I wanted to hug you
Close enough to hear your heartbeat.
I wanted to sleep to the sound of it.

And so I did.

I hugged you.
I heard it.
It was as beautiful as I expected.

But I am afraid I hugged you too close.

I heard too much
That I was not able to sleep
To the sound of it.

I heard how it did not beat for me.
It kept me up.

Still, I took my time listening.
Then I thought
How I will never be able to afford
Something that beautiful.

I failed to feel it beating my name.
It tore me out
So I just slept to the thought of it.

Sometimes
I tell myself to go back.

Back when everything was pitch black
In an unreachable depth
Where it is cold and lonely
Yet the safest place I know
Away from everyone else.

Sometimes
I tell myself to go back

To being an ocean
Where the underlying danger
Only comes from myself.

Sometimes
I tell myself to go back
But then I don't do it.

Maybe because I am fully aware
That the ocean
No matter how mysterious it is
No matter how beautiful it is
No matter how magical it is
It is not the safest place to be.

But then again
Like the ocean
I only have myself.

Where else would I go?

The time you felt I started giving less
Was the time I started giving more to myself.