I wake feeling alone

I sleep next to
a live carcass

seems impossible huh

Maybe it's me
I'm  the carcass
just maybe huh

I have no feelings
or
I'm feeling too much
wanting and needing to much

I was told;
"no matter who I'm with
I'll never find happiness"

Maybe this unfeeling
non-understanding Carcass
has it right

Maybe it's me and always has been
I should feel alive and content
only thing I'm feeling is pain and confusion
judged and judgement
every day of my life

I thought being with this so called man
would be a wise investment
figured I'm hard working plus very family oriented

He's hard working but when it comes to family
I don't see it

He doesn't care unless its about him and his,
I never had someone so disloyal and selfish

Maybe that's why I'll never be happy
least not with him
but he's not been the only one to shun me
or disregard my feelings

as if  the words I say make no sense to him
like I'm speaking in a foreign tongue

He seems not to comprehend anything
no matter how many times I've expressed or explained
and I'm so tired of asking *******

Seems to me I'm always begging
& Naw I ain't to proud to beg
but it's become tediously boring
and no-productive

Sick of myself and not liking
whom I've become
no longer am I care free
I'm more pessimistic than ever
& I just want to be alone!

Love?
um I don't think so
I've been in too many relationships
all based on the pretenses
that it was out of "love"

I'm tired
I no longer wish
to be involved

Is it wrong
that I've
given UP?!

And  is it wrong that
I no longer wanna be
with a living Carcass?!?!*

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I loved him
I truly loved him
But you shouldn't fear the one you love
At lest I think you shouldn't

He loved
He truly loved me
But you shouldn't yell at the one you love
At lest I think you shouldn't

I would always say I love you
But you would never say I love you too just love you too
You would yell and throw things
I would say it's ok. Please. Stop.



I loved him
I truly loved him
But you shouldn't fear the one you love.

He loved me
Or so I thought
I guess I knew he didnt from the start

i. Cut your heart open
Take a knife, twist your heart open. Watch as everything you have bottled up
spill on the floor. Break it into pieces and trample on the glasses. Listen to
what it’s trying to tell you. Uncover every hidden desire and side-swept secrets.
For once in a long time, be honest with yourself. You’ve spent so much time
locking everyone out. You’ve even kept your own identity from yourself. This is
how you start writing a poem: Cut your heart open, be honest with yourself.

ii. Give yourself the freedom to feel
Face yourself. Touch your reflection if that’s what makes you real. Remind
yourself of your inner core and get rid of your inability to feel. For so long
you’ve masked the pain, ignored the numbness and forgot about the rain.
Feel the anger running in your veins because of all the time you’ve wasted
on someone who never deserved your love. Let a river’s load of tears gush
out your eyes, feel the despair of how you have loved but lost. Feel the loathe
you have for yourself because you’re so pathetic; because no matter what
you’d do anything to have him back. Clutch your chest as you feel the
physical ache in your heart because it’s broke and distorted in a way
it’s never been before. This is how you make a poem great: Give
yourself the freedom to feel, share with the world your raw emotions.

iii. Take the bitterness and turn them into pretty words
Take a paper and pen. Translate the way you feel onto a clean sheet of paper.
This is the only time you’ll ever have a clean start again. Take all the words
you have at the back of your mind and write them down. Let the pain and the ache,
the anger and the hurt, make their way on the paper. Don’t think too much
about it, the words you have they’re all who you are. Tell the story you’ve
kept in for so long and let them glide from the pen through the paper. Write
all you think that is necessary. Don’t think about what people will say. Because
a poem is a poem, it’ll be bitter and pretty. That’s the glory in the poem, it’s
ambiguity. This is how you write a poem: You stay bitter yet it will come out
pretty. No matter the bitterness, you always have the ability to make it pretty.

It was once said that we "accept the love we think we deserve",
and I think of you and all the ways you'd shatter my nerves;
when you'd raise your voice or even a hand
every time I did something wrong - a mark on my skin you'd brand.

I was your canvas and your punches were the paintbrushes colouring me in,
painting me in explosions of blue, purple, red; completely covering my skin.
I took the poison you leaked and absorbed it entirely,
calling it love and I thought of you very highly.

I'd just wipe away my tears and apologise for making you mad,
convincing myself that I was the one who was bad -
but really you were the gunman shooting me down,
and the one pushing my head under the water hoping I'd drown.

It was once said that we "accept the love we think we deserve"
and as I sit here reflecting our "love" with reserve,
I realise I thought I was worthy of nothing but your violence,
but now I know better and the compassion I truly deserve is priceless.

Everything I touch,
Feels like a memory,
Of when you touched me,

Can I ask why you're still here,
Cluttering my mind,
Dominating my thoughts,
And making my body ache with longing,

Touch me,
Or walk away,

The choice is yours,

But I have no choice,

You have burrowed yourself under my skin,
And I can't find a knife sharp enough to,
Dig,
You,
Out.

I am a therapy of sorts.
I can listen to your woes
Massage your tired feet
Perhaps make you some cookies
Or other kinds of treats.
But I am not medicine.
I cannot cure all your worries,
Or stop the consistent aching in your heart.
I cannot stop you from going over the edge
Or tearing yourself apart.

So this is the way it is
After all our mistakes

After you dragged me
With all your friends

What can I say happy birthday..
You didn't remember mine
But it's ok

And if we're to see you
Today I would give you
A hug

But I wouldn't
Go back

Because I want you to stay
In the past

Even  after hear
Your songs

I love forever & always mom
no  matter   *what