i finally have everything
i have ever wanted
in a human

yet it does not feel enough

he is kind
he is caring
he is artistic
he is hard working
he puts in so much effort for me

yet he is not you
he will never be you
i know that
i understand that

but ****
this is so hard

i am petrified
i will never feel
the way you made me feel

love does not hurt
love does not paint your body
into a mural of blues and purple
love does not raise his hands in anger
love does not use your weakness against you
love does not scare you into making choices
love does not isolate you from your
friends and family members
love is not you, John

i waited for you
to swallow your pride
but all you did
was choke on it

Even if you were to forgive me,
I never can forgive myself,
For I am the monster under the bed,
That haunts my own head,
I'm the demon that possess the sane,
Molecules in my own brain,
So don't pity my decision,
It wasn't made without precision,
I thought it over so much in my life,
That I'm surprised it didn't happen before tonight,

So do not weep for the years unlived,
I would've of suffered every day I did,
Do not cry for the time we've lost,
Because they would've come at too steep a cost.

So relish every day I am free,
Reliquished from the sights I'd seen,
Inside my head for years and days and hours,
That had done nothing but soured,
Every minute that I gave to this world,
All the time I was smiling like a good girl,
So celebrate the times that I forgot,
This life I lived was a tainted lot,
And just know and never ever forget,
I loved you all without regret,

So do not weep for the years unlived,
I would've of suffered every day I did,
Do not cry for the time we've lost,
Because they would've come at too steep a cost.

The lights dimmed out in my life long ago,
Yet some still make me fight to live in a world,
Who's soil is soaked with the tears I've cried,
Over people who I thought, cared, but lied,
And yet I walk over the ground,
Soaked to the bone with my blood,
Carrying on as if my feet aren't cracked,
And oozing all the love I lacked,
And craved from some who could fix me,
But there's no hope on the horizon that I see,
So I dream of an existance,
Where I'm not in it,
But wishes don't come true,
You taught me that, didn't you?

In the basement of my mind,
I cower and I hide,
From the memories,
That haunt me,
Please someone help me out,
I can't seem to shout,
For help anymore,
And I'm sorry I didn't try more,

I try to crawl now that my legs have no more strength,
But my hands can't seem to grasp at anything but hate,
Hate for myself, as a demon just like you,
And if only, if only I knew,
That you suffered as I did, day after day,
Then maybe, maybe, I might be okay,
But your life is perfect,
A partner and kids, it's kind of sick,
And twisted in the worst possibly way,
That I'm over here dying to be okay,
And you've got the life of the little girl,
Who's light you snuffed out, without a word,
Just a grunt and moan,
And now, I'm just done,

In the basement of my mind,
I cower and I hide,
From the memories,
That haunt me,
Please someone help me out,
I can't seem to shout,
For help anymore,
And I'm sorry I didn't try more.