i would understand it
how they treat me
if i were cruel
if i never tried
if i didn’t care
if i weren’t easy-going
if i had different friends
if i put up with *******
if i were quiet
if i couldn’t think for myself
if i were stupid enough to

except i’m not those things
so i don’t understand
i don’t understand how they could
walk all over me
ignore me
say mean things
lie to me
lie about me
patronize me
tell me to hush
put me down
make me feel like this

when all i ever do
is try my best
not to be like them

to be better

as i lay here
it's impossible
not to think about the good times
you loved anything that rhymes

how you'd make me laugh
how your touch would tickle
with just a few words
hushed whispers so no one else heard

your hot breath brushing my ear
your contagious laughter
how we never ran out of things to say
your brilliance brighter than a summer day

but now it's too late
you've moved on
and i thought i had too
clearly that's too good to be true.

what might have been
if only the grass weren’t green

what might have been
if only the sky weren’t blue

what might have been
if the rainbow were in a different order

what might have been
if noah didn’t build his arc

what might have been
if gravity didn’t hold us down

what might have been
if light were darkness

what might have been
if darkness were light

what might have been
if death were life

what might have been
if life were death

what might have been
if you were still here

what might have been
if you never left

what might have been
if you loved me

what might have been
if you never stopped

is this what a panic attack is?
a race horse instead of a heart
static numbness prickling fingertips
the weight of every insecurity sitting on my lungs
forcing a battle to be fought with every exhausting breath
spiders crawling to and from upon my spine
whispering my greatest fears
giggling at my mortality
weakness in every inch of my being
constantly under attack by my own body
my own traitorous body
hopelessness shredding my self worth
driving my fragile state into a frenzy

what’s one more rose
in a field of flowers?

what’s one more book
in a library of literature?

what’s one more tear
in a flood of water?

what’s one more voice
in a choir of song?

what’s one more feeling
in an ocean of emotion?

what’s one more protester
in a crowd of anger?

what’s one more cut
in a collection of wounds?

what’s one more body
in a graveyard of people?

what’s one more loss
in a world of death?

what’s the point
of one more anything?

funny how
with one sentence
you can change
everything
about a person

one thing
i do not need
is someone to piece me back together
when i want to be freed

i can’t take it
they don’t understand
what i want
it isn’t a man

i want to be myself
without you
without him
without anyone will do

i might be broken
but honestly i’d rather
be the one to put myself
back together