I don't even know you, but I'm scared for you and it's driving me crazy...I can't think of anything else.

I hope you'll breathe, I really do. And I hope you know I've been in the same boat as you, where my mind has almost pushed me to the limit and I almost payed the price...and you don't think the price will be much - to you, you'll just be gone and faraway from any pain....

But you matter, and perhaps nobody ever told you, but you matter. You matter on the days when you wake up feeling lost and broken. You matter on the days when you feel like you know exactly what you are doing. You matter on the days when your mirror should be replaced with an "you look absolutely stunning" sign.

You are as stunning as a newborn, bloomed flower, but you are not a flower...if your petals fall, you can still live. Through winter, summer, autumn and spring,  you can still bloom and grow taller than the polluted skyscraper city that is your mind. You are not a flower...don't let them rip you off from the ground and destroy you.

Confession:
All this ramble that I absolutely meant still hasn't distracted me from the fact that you could already be gone, and we are all just hanging on a lifeline.

Confession:
God gave us wings, so we could fly, and I hope yours find their flutter again; you looked so stunning underneath the blue ceiling we call 'the sky.'

Confession:
I will crumble completely if you die.

Is this obsession?
Possession that I feel
Or simply the oxygen burn of my fire for you.
Is this how I am destined to see you?
Through eyes disturbed by my own historic fears
When I envisage better fingers upon your skin
A satisfaction I fear I could never achieve.
Is this defence?
My worry that soon I shall be the mundane
That makes you seek the excitement of another’s mystery.

Jealousy does not come from distrust
For I have never doubted the integrity of who you are
I am jealous of actions, not people
The looks, the contact
Elongated conversations
The freedom to be able to say yes
Inhabiting the same space
To share an embrace

I imagine the world looks upon you as I do
With desire and uncontrolled emotion
Where I am the least deserved suitor
And everyone else has more to offer than I
I fear the imagination in my mind
And how it can hurt me more than you
When I shall shrink until you no longer see me
Under the weight of my own self-deprecation;
Eventually leading you into someone else's arms who remind you of who I once was before I became no one

Yet the truth remains
That it is only without you that I am no one.

i wanted to clench a
lithe, flimsy sky in the thicket
of my veins like
preserved butterflies

seize gale, glitter
pollen, laughter between laced
handcuffs
quietly, lovingly beneath
the tender protest of old stars
i wanted to break something beautiful.
i wanted to hold you between
the rubble
cluttered consonants on my tongue,
your cracked glass soul, the constellations in your smile,
i wanted to
cradle you like a dream, and break you
like a promise.

The sky painted itself
the color of candied raven
and the tingle of your touch
still flooded
the river beds of my soul; false bravado
tattooing its flaxen lies beneath my eyelids and
blood stains on my wrists
i crushed my own heart seventeen times a day

but you were so beautiful with your hair dyed the color of freedom
wings perched, loud crimson lips and hollow nightingale cages
a sizzling sip of obliteration

like pallid ceramic
angels on forsaken
attic shelves,
teardrops from rusty faucets
decaying family portraits
swooned on
glassy tables—

i fell
i dropped
i cracked
i shattered

i broke along
*with you

I like this pub.
Not too loud so you can't think.
Not too quiet so that you can't
help but think.

An old Cambridge pub called
the Portland Arms.
I've recently taken to drinking
whiskey straight, enjoying the burn.

The music is mediocre but
the people seem genuine enough.
Not that that matters anyway
when you're drinking alone.