She felt his skull could crack under the passion in her fingertips
And wouldn't that be beautiful
To end here, in the immediacy of desire
And wouldn't that be kinder?
Than the drawing out of this pain of inevitability
The guttural ache
Before the final crack
The splintering, not of bone
But of two hearts
Prised apart by the fingernails of realisation
That their shattered fragments can never make each other whole.
I stopped writing about you
That's when I knew I wanted it to be over.
My heart is unruly
And the key you keep will break its locks
No matter how they mould and change
But it is locked all the same.
The doors are closed
To impish jealousy and green eyes of mischief
To the stabbing knives of rejection
That fly in like butterflies, waiting for the sink of realisation.
To the pain of unknowing
A perpetual roller coaster without a harness
To the sweet agony of your peaks and lows.
Loving you is too hard.
I try to think of you as poison
To feed on feelings of heartache and injustice
But I know, in truth
You are a tempest
Fraught with indecision and rage
You run deeper than an ocean
With limitless currents
That chop and change beyond your control
Too frantic and complex for me to ever comprehend.
I can't put you in a box
Lock you away
I can't make you the enemy
I can't regret everything we've had
But I can't go on like this.
I need this to be over.
What happens then,
When we finally reach that bridge
The unsteady footpath of decision
That only one of us can cross
When our hands part
And you walk the shaky steps of commitment and truth
With a single glance backward
Avoiding my eyes
As I watch you walk away
Only a few steps apart
But with a lifetime of history and emotion stretching it's cavernous yawn beneath us
Do I forget you?
As you stride out, leaving of the mists of my adoration
Should I cleanse my mind of love
Crush the butterflies that sit in my stomach
Awaiting your every word
Do I scratch out your face from the photographs of my mind?
Reforge falsified passion
Ignore the beauty in the delicate brush of wind against a sheltered forest,
The bittersweet sting of cold rain against warm skin
The rush of blood to my cheeks at a black and white image I know only you could love.
Do I embrace my senses
Turn my back
Allow us to be separate entities in a world where we were supposed to be whole
Or do I follow the solitary wake of my heart
Cross legged, silent
Patiently waiting at that edge for the moment you may return
For the moment you realise
Life cannot go on without us
And you turn back
To leap the chasm that keeps us apart
Wait for the flames of your outstretched arms to reignite the fire in my broken heart
For us to connect
In the unending circle of emotion and connection
That makes us whole within ourselves
That feeds us
Free to blossom into the multitude of colour our wistful lives have always promised
Can I wait in vain
And let my heart forever overthrow the sensibility of the mind
Expose myself to the elements of rejection and sorrow
For the promise of something perfect
Sublime and intangible
Can I forsake the solid ground of reality?
I already know how this will end
When we reach that path.
My body can let you go
But my heart will never forget
If only he'd called last orders
Even though the sun still threw its summer blanket over my lazy shoulders
And burned my reflection into the black screen of your glasses
A reflection of who I was
No premonition of who I would become
While the last cigarette still lingered on my tongue
Leaving the taste of nostalgia and bitter familiarity in my breath
And daring excitement and rebellion on yours
As your words twinkled and danced around an undeniable truth
In innocence half feigned
Half in hope
Half in dream
Took one step forward
Edging towards your tango of inevitable wounds and tears.
If only they'd rung the bell
And we'd knocked down the last of that lukewarm wine
From watermarked glasses that threw distorted shadows on the table before us
As the dusk swept in like a curtain
Smothering our small talk
Leaving only an enduring flame built of history and kindled with confessions
Around which we huddled, as night fell,
Singing songs no strangers have a place to sing.
If only we'd walked our separate ways
Instead of throwing our liquored words along the train tracks
Loud enough for only us to hear
But a deafening scream in our heads
As they hurtled over an invisible line
And plummeted down a cliff face of caged emotion from which there was no return.
If only I'd never let you into my head
With nothing left to do but flush you out
With the same sickly wine that put you there
To drown the hole i feel growing in my stomach
Gnawing at my inside
Before I lose myself to anger or to pain.
Before I admit I miss you.
Before he calls last orders.
We reach a time in our lives
Shuffling along our own dusty highways
In the warmth of a whisky stained dusk
Watching the honeyed heat of our future seep along the horizon
Into bruised sky of overburdened past
We each meet the same crossroad of decision
The two sides of our soul extending welcoming arms
As we stand, a prize in the feud between mind and heart
Practicality and passion
Security and sensuality
Who am I to choose which gravelled path to follow
Whether to take the wrinkled hand of prudence
And crunch the stones of wisdom and logic with each familiar step
Does my future lay ahead
At that point where the sun kneels to kiss the ground
And throws its glowing arms across the earth in a blanket of safety
Not in passion, but affection
In the comfort of routine
The reliability and purity of what is, and what has always been
Or does it sit within the flicker of a fiery heart
In the sigh of breath that creeps along with the breeze
That trickles down my spine
And dares me to turn my head, to look down roads of impenetrable darkness
To embrace the possibility of the unknown
And the leaping tongues of flame that might lie where those paths end
To be engulfed, and to know myself within that destruction.
Is it the voice that whispers inside my veins
"should there be more than this?"
I stay static
A spectator to the conflict of the soul
Stuck fast in a deadlock of inertia and indecision
Awaiting that moment
When the last glimmer of sun has bled through the cracked earth
And I open my blurred eyes to icy silence, shapeless and pure in its clarity
To see, without obstruction
That the decision is clear.
My future transparent.
That there was only ever one road I could take.
I found you
Found your arms in the secrecy of an encroaching dusk
In the shade of trees
The coveted corners of quiet
I found the hidden pieces of your soul
As they sat beside mine
In the comfort of silence
Whispering through the air promises of belonging
Of two broken pieces becoming a whole
Two unknowns becoming the known
Two wrongs finally becoming one right
You found me
As your delicate fingers ran across my skin
Laced through the curls of my hair
Carefully stitching the gaping caverns of suspicion in a doubtful heart
Placing together shattered confidences with a tender touch
Holding them firmly with the power of your affection.
We built each other as reflections of ourselves
As better forms of the shadows we'd learned to become
We found each other
With skin upon skin
A world away from the troubled minds we used to live in
We found each other
We found peace
We discovered love.
I've been here before
Listened to your feet crunch the shards of glass and shattered hearts
Wiping the remnants of liquor and bitterness from liar's lips
As your night of sugarcoated revelry comes to an end
The facade falls
Echoing with the slam of a shotglass that pulses through ears
And thumps through my brain with your sneer of rejection
Your eyes don't shy from mine
But they are discolored with arrogance
Hardened by vanity
As cold and empty as the bottle that sweats against my palm
If I close my own
I could reach for a memory of the past
For a sunbeam's reflection highlighting the contours of your skin
Or the childish purity in unquestioned belief
But tonight, they will stay locked
I will watch the candied venom drip from your curling lips, drawing me back under a veil of falsity
And see us for what we really are
I am no longer the same.
I won't be your entertainment
Your pastime or plaything
The show is over.
I've been here before
But this is the last time I'll come back.