There are words within me
that flow through keys into music,
or ink into paper,
when I write the ballads of sadness and love
that are contained inside my head,
yet nothing comes to my tongue
when I stand in front of you.
I have never been verbal,
one of the poets who stands
and speaks their beauty to others, tongues
of silk weaving their words into impermanent art
that will soon be forgotten.
Instead, I write poetry
which your eyes will never see
in the hopes that I will find a way
of saying how you make me feel inside.
The way you capture me
and manage to see me as an entirely new being.
The way you make my laugh permanent
with a single image, childish and playful.
The way you are so unapologetically you.

All of it.

I want something just like this,
I want everything like this,
and I don't know how to say it.

I wish I weren't so shy
Maybe then I could tell you why
I have reason to hide
The way I feel inside
But I can't, because I'm shy...

I wish I could tell you
How much I love your smile
And how your existence
Makes life more worthwhile
But I can't, because I'm shy

Without you I am incomplete
I feel an emptiness deep inside
And not being able to tell you these things
Makes me want to cry

I wish I wasn't an introvert
Afraid of every guy
That simply says hi
As I happen to be walking by

I'm shy
Without a reason
And don't understand
Why this has to be

I don't want to be shy
At least not in front of you
I want you to know who I truly am
And tell you every reason why
I feel the need to hide
But can't, because I'm too shy...

Days like this, I just need to be alone.
I am the chord that resonates within,
yet my music is tired and needs time
to breathe and build its strength again. I need
to have nobody to hear my wretched, desperate
song for one day, yet there is no time to
catch my breath and become strong. There is no
time to be tired. At the expense of myself,
I must look after others and my own life,
so I must continue onwards, despite
the blood seeping from my wounds of exhaustion.
Days like this, I need to pretend to be
social so I can try and fulfill the
expectations of everyone and everything
surrounding me, except it is all for nothing.
Alone, I am not good enough.
In company, I am not good enough.
That word destroys me: "Anti-social", for
it is no fault of mine that I find solace
when the door closes, the whine of tinnitus
bites into my skull and I am left in absolute silence.

one day I said to you, "I'm an introvert"
because you didn't understand why I was acting the way I was
and you said, "no you're not"
but I think I would know
and how could you have any idea
you aren't inside of my brain

it's why I was reluctant to take you to concerts
even though I wanted to go too
I couldn't bring myself to it
all the anxiety
all the noise
we could have our own private concert in the comfort of the living room
but that's not what you wanted

it's why on the way home at night in the dark I wanted to enjoy every moment of silence I had with you
every last word in every last song
traveling down the dark road looking up at the stars

you couldn't understand though
all I could think about was you saying, "no you're not"
and then I had to calm you down when you got mad at me for not talking to you
because apparently I "didn't care"
when in all reality sitting in silence in the dark car
with the lyrics
and the stars
and your breath shifting between your lips
meant more to me than a casual conversation ever would

I don't know how to talk.
I don't know how to express.
I don't know how to understand.
I don't know how to undress.

I know how to feel.
I know how to see.
I know how to write.
I know how to sing.

So don't make me speak
let me endure until all is done.
Don't make me divulge
let me behold what can be won.
Don't make me learn
I beg you, let me inscribe.
Don't make me unravel
let me croon
don't let me die.

"You need to talk more"
They say to my face.
"She needs to socialize"
They say behind my back.
Twenty years I cried over this
Twenty years I tried being better
Twenty years I hated every fibre of my being
Because I was something I thought I disliked.
But you know what?
*******, ******* who tell me to change.
*******, idiots who made me uncomfortable in my own skin.
I make less noise, did you ever think of that?
I don't bug others to TALK, TALK, TALK more.
I'm least interested in the dull details of your lives.
A simple 'Hi' suffices, don't you think?
I have people I adore, friends who are wonderful.
I'm fine as I am. I love myself.
I love being by myself.
I don't need you to tell me how to be.
I didn't ask for your ****** opinion, not at all.
Go jump off a cliff, won't you?
There'll be a little more quiet in the world.

My mind gets exhausted
and my body reacts.
I was feeling too crowded,
Now I'm half-dried.
When there's everybody,
I can't be alone.
Now I'm a pantomime.
The sheer weight of the universe
is on my own.

Me against myself,
concrete and stone.

An introvert sees the world as it is,
deciding still, not to engage.

An introvert pretending of confidence
An extrovert whom cannot grasp the suffering of others
Attempt to mingle, but blend best
As water and oil
Past conflicts bubble randomly
Through the thump of old music
Faking it until one makes it
is easier said then attempted