Never again,
Never ever again,
Will I ever type my work up!

I'll save myself from computer err
By handwriting my poems.
Then and only then
Will I put them to the computer!

The self hatred,
The hate for technology,
Increases as my rage boils over.

Realizing that all the words,
All my emotions and feelings,
So thoughtfully phrased and typed,
Are lost,
Is a feeling like no other.

Rewriting the words,
Trying to remember exact phrases,
Is just painful!

Never again,
Never ever again,
Will I ever type my work up!

To my Daddy on Father's Day

When I was young and small,
I was your *little girl.
As I grew and grew,
I stayed your little girl.
Now, 18 years later,
I'm still your little girl.
When I am twenty,
Thirty,
Forty,
Fifty,
I will still be your little girl.
No matter where I go,
Or how old I grow,
I will still be,
Forever and always
Your little girl.

You were my cheerlearder,
Calling and whistling from the stands,
Since I was smaller and tinier
Than all those who played.
You were my coach,
Helping me and teaching me
Giving me confidence
Showing me what it meant to be an athlete.
I took what you taught me
And applied it to my life
Making me,
Forever and always
Your little girl.

You were my personal chef,
Teaching me to love the finer foods
And that cooking is an art.
Healthy and not
Food was to be treated specially
Cooked and baked just right.
Nothing has ever compared to what you have made.
Spoiled and exposed to the best
Making me,
Forever and always
Your little girl

You were my supporter,
When I was upset and had nowhere to turn.
You taught me to be tough
And to be strong.
You said I could do anything,
Be anything I wanted,
That being a girl made no difference.
You taught me to love myself,
To take care of myself
To defend and stand up for myself,
Making me,
Forever and always
Your little girl.

When I was small and tiny,
I was your little girl.
As I grew,
I remained you little girl.
Today
I am you little girl.
Tomorrow and the day after
I will be your little girl.

No matter where I go,
No matter how old I grow,
No matter where you are,
No matter how old you are,
I will
Forever and always*
Be your *little girl.

Happy Daddy's Day
I love you <3

Congratulations!
It’s finally over!
You’ve climbed the mountains and trekked the canyons
Now it’s time to meet the future.

The past four yeas
Have been challenging and rough,
But we’ve chosen our careers
And high school’s not enough.

University’s on the way.
There are many more paths to tread
And more adventures to slay
All widespread.

We’ll be all across the world
Some here and some there
Not knowing the next place we’ll be hurled
But we’ll be well prepared.

We’ve all known each other for a while
Some longer than other
But through the years our lifestyle
Will keep up close together.

Our travels and experiences
Will unite us
Across the long distances,
Shortening the crevice.

Congratulations!
It’s finally over!
You’ve climbed the mountains and trekked the canyons
Now it’s time to meet the future.

if you're my friend
then why do you never listen?
if you're my friend,
then shouldn't you care that i'm hurting?

i thought we were friends
because i have always been there for you.
i thought we were friends
because i stood up for you.

if you're my friend
then why do you always talk over me then laugh when somebody else says the same thing
if you're my friend
then shouldn't you at least pretend to care that this is the way i am?

i thought we were friends
because we did almost everything together.
i thought we were friends
because i showed up to your dance recitals.

this is not a real friendship!
this is only one-sided.
can a friendship even be one-sided?
can i ever just walk away?

the day that you realize
how much of my hurting comes from you
is the day
that it will be much too late.

friendship is both people caring
both people listening.
friendship is both people being there
both people taking away the pain, not causing it.

what we are
is not friends.
it's time to say good-bye
so good-bye, it was nice to know you

Feel the wrath
From the devil.
Feel the fire
From hell.
Feel the burning
From inside you.
This is what it feels
To leave those you love.
This is what it feels like
To no longer care about those who thought you did.
Feel the fire in your veins.
Feel the heat in your lungs.
This is your guilt.
This is your revenge.
This is what you brought
Upon yourself.
Don’t bother me again,
For I no longer care for you.
So leave me now,
And go your own way.

It's been a year since you left,
Six months since you last visited,
(But I didn't see you then).
When you left,
I thought I'd never see you again.
But when you came to visit
I thought that that would be my last chance
But you barely even left the house.

When I heard you were finally coming back
I figured that you'd be lazy
And not want to leave you house.
But your brother dragged you out
And I finally saw you.

As I turned down the road
And saw you for the first time
All I could think was
"Oh God!  Not again!"
An infinite amount of emotions
Slammed into my heart
All at once

It was all I could do
Not to throw myself into your arms
And cry tears of joy.
We fell into our comfortable insults and jokes
Just as soon as we saw each other.
It felt like you had never left;
Like it was any other weekend.

The next few days we just hung out
Talking, joking, insulting one another.
It seemed like we were thrown into the past
When nothing had pulled us apart
Before either of us made the mistake
Of telling the truth.
Watching movies
And giving commentaries
While eating pizza and soda
As we lay of the bed.

I wish we could rewind time
Just so we can relive those amazing moments.
But looking back on the past few days
And all those years we were together
I realized
I really do love you.
Never before
(Or after)
Have I ever been so close to someone
(ANYONE!)
Never have I told somebody so many secrets
Never has someone known me so well
Never has someone been able to say
"Oh she would say this"
Or "Don't say that, it'll make her mad"
Never have I been able to be myself and not feel uncomfortable
Never except when I'm with you.

I wish we still lived in the same country.
I wish there weren't oceans separating us.
I wish that I had the courage to give you these poems.
I wish you were here to help me through this move.
I wish I was in Sweden with you
(Or you were here in America with me)
I wish
I wish
I wish.
Only wishes are left.

I wish I could tell you I love you
I wish you knew how much!
I wish you knew I never loved someone as much as I love you.
I wish I had the courage
The courage to send you all the poems
I've ever written about you
Because there are so many
With so many words
That you'll never hear.

I wish
I wish
I wish

When we first met
We couldn’t stand to be around one another.

When we first met
Your boyfriend and I were best friends.
Making it hard to be around you both.

Finally we started talking
Realizing how much we had in common
And we became inseparable.

As the years flew by
Our friendship solidified.
But then the day came when you had to leave.
I was the last to find out
But only because it was impossible to say good-bye.

That first year we talked and talked and talked
Bust as the days passed,
The conversations died.

It’s been four years since you left,
But unlike then,
We never talk.

I tried to arrange a day to talk
But again and again
You blew me off.
Now here I am
1000 miles away
And you still won’t say
A single word.

I thought we were best friends…

I'm all alone with no one to hold.
One second I'm here
the next I'm there.

Everything used to be so clear.
But now,
now my eyes are closed.

I can't see the light in the sky.
I can't see the way out.
All I see is an abyss of darkness in my heart.

It's all thanks to you.
You didn't listen when I asked for help.
You shied away, even though you knew me best.

Now I'm standing 5 meters away
Watching you watching me,
And waiting.
Just waiting.

Hoping these wings will grow back
with one simple act of kindness
on your behalf.

But I'm falling farther and farther
by the second.
Titanium steel and broken wings are pushing me down.

These masks that hide the emotions
are becoming harder and harder to put on.
All because of a broken promise
from a fake friendship.

This pain that you have helped to cause
is hidden behind a mask.
Making me feel alone in this dark world
with my eyes closed to all
waiting for you waiting for me, to make the first move.
But I'm no longer here,
I'm gone forever.
A lone prisoner in my own life.

I'm not the type of girl
Who flirts to get out of things
Who fawns all over you.
I'm not the girl
To get dressed up
And put on a mask of makeup.
I'm not the one
Who wears her heart on her sleeve
Or pours her emotions out for all to see.
I'm not the girly girl
Into the latest fashion
Or the new trends.
I'm not the one
To get all pretty just for you.

I'm the girl
Who plays tough.
Dirt and grime never bothered me.
I'm the one
To play with the guys
In sports and games.
I'll beat you in your favorite video game
As we eat the fattiest foods.
I'm the tomboy
Who loves to just be comfortable.
I bottle up my emotions
Hiding from them behind a wall.
My exterior is just a facade
Of strength and toughness
Held up by sheer will.

I'm not going to change.
I love me for me
But I hope that you can see
Past the mask that covers my interior.
The passion that hides behind the fence
Waiting to be found.
The romantic who needs a push,
A sign to know it's real.
A nudge in the right direction
Is all you need to give.

Showing me you care
And telling me are two different things.
I'm not the girl who reads up on relationships
Trying to decipher the meaning
Behind every word,
Every movement,
Every little thing.
Instead, I'm the one to take it at face value.
Don't play games with me
Just make it clear as day.
Are you here to stay?
Or are you here to play?

If you're here to stay
Then just let me know.
I can't stand these mixed signals
Hovering between just friends
And something more.
If you're here to play
Then I need to know.
I don't like these games
Of cat and mouse.
I can't stand the doubt
Which plagues my mind.

To me you're more than just a friend.
We've been dancing for 6 months
Between the two stages.
Each time I think I know what's going on
Something you do turns me around.
This dance is getting old
And I'm getting scared.
The more time we spend together
The more attached I grow.
But I'm afraid that I have no right to you,
Because you seem to keep changing your mind.

I'm not a girly girl
I'm not the one to open up easily.
But you're growing on me
And I feel a desire to tell you everything.
But I'm afraid that you'll leave,
Just like everyone else had.
I've been through too much
To wear my heart on my sleeve.
I've grown tough even as I hide.
My emotions squeezed and confined
Want to burst forth when you're around.
I don't know how to tell you this
Maybe I should let you read instead
All my words and poems.

I went through my pictures today
And I realized I used to be happy.
Something I haven’t been in a while.

The person I see in those photos
Is not the same person looking back through the mirror;
There’s a faint resemblance, nothing more.

I used to smile and laugh, always so joyful;
I still do, but it’s no longer genuine
No longer healthy.

People used to say my smile made their day
And all I could think was
It’s just a smile, how can it make such a difference?

I never understood what they meant
When they said the smile should be seen in the eye;
That there should be a glitter, a sparkle.

Now when I laugh, when I smile,
It’s polite, lacking reassurance
Missing the light heartened warmth

I went through my pictures today
And I realized I used to be happy.
I finally know what that glitter, that sparkle is.
.
.
.
It’s what’s missing from the mirror.

Hush child let me tell you a tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

There once was a girl
Who believed in the paranormal
And would turn at the slightest sounds in a whirl.

Hush child and listen to my tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

She would always turn on a light
To illuminate what lay in the shadows
When she went about in the night.

Hush child and devour my tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

Living alone was she
When the darkness sought her out
And attempted to corrupt her psyche.

Hush child, now listen closely to this tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

As she left the door to her room
She froze where she stood
As she gazed upon her doom.

Hush child, pay attention to my tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

There stood a man in a top hat
Across the hall
He seemed ready for combat.

Hush child, do you hear the truth in my tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed?

The man stood across from her
Staring and nothing more
But his dark silhouette was a blur.

Hush child, hear now this tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

As they stood there
Watching one another
The girl felt a flair

Hush child, accept my tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

The girl took a step back
Closing her door
With a resounding SMACK!

Hush child, for this is my tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

The girl was frozen and feeling insecure
Staring at the back of her door
For what she felt was simple and pure.

Hush child, it’s almost over, this tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

The man in the top hat
Across the hall
Radiated evil, pure and simple as that.

Hush child, the end is near of this tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

She stood staring at the door in her room
Never wanting to leave again
For fear of having an early tomb.

Hush child, give ears to this tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

There once was a girl
Who believed in the paranormal
And would turn at the slightest sounds in a whirl.

Hush child, just listen to the tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

She would always turn on a light
To illuminate what lay in the shadows
When she went about in the night.

Hush child, this ends my tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed.

She lives in fear of the ghost
For she knows he will return
When she thinks she is safe the most.

Hush child, do you believe my tale
Of a ghost and a girl
When darkness assailed?

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye.
But I hesitated.

You grew worried,
Unsure of yourself.
So I pointed to the shelf
Where all the pictures stood.

I knew that you finally understood
As realization dawned upon your face.
So I told you a story to erase
All of the tension that had built.

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye.
But I hesitated.

You asked me questions
As I told my tale.
But all I did was flail
As I tried to explain.

I revealed that I couldn’t trust
Not when friend after friend
Brought an end
To every relationship.

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye.
But I hesitated.

They broke me
In ways you can’t imagine
As they left my heart and soul all barren.
I don’t know how to trust.

I want to trust you
But after end and end
You must comprehend
That I don’t know how.

You asked me to trust you
And you expected a reply
I saw it in your eye.
But I hesitated.

This one's for my best friend
Who cared for me when I was tiny;
When I was small, big, and grown.
The one who was there
When I was sick
And when I hurt.
The one who will be there,
No matter what.

This one's for my best friend.
The one who has my back
Through thick and thin.
The one who has been there
From the very start
And will always be there
Till the very end.

This one's for my best friend.
The one who loves me unconditionally,
Even when I'm a pain in the ****!
And even when I threw up on her shirt!
The one who sat there and held me as I cried,
Over the scratches and broken bones
And through the broken hearts.
The one who will love me
Till the end of time.

This one's for my best friend.
The one I come home to
No matter how far I strayed.
The one who taught me
By being an amazing role model.
The one who will be there
Forever and always.

This one's for my best friend.
This one's for my mother.
Happy Mother's Day!

Wake up
Go to school
Play sports
Do homework
Eat dinner
More homework
Go to sleep.

Everyday the same thing
Why is it always the same?
It's so
Normal.
But normal is not who I am.

Growing up 9402 miles from where I was born.
Traveling the world.
My best friend is Pakistani.
And yet
Everyday,
The same thing.

School
Sports
Homework
Dinner
Ever so normal
And yet
Not so normal.

Monkeys hanging from trees
Snakes on the field
Lizards on the walls
More monkeys in the pool.
So normal
And yet...

Is there such thing as normal?
Or is normal different
For each individual?
But then there is no normal.
And yet it's the same
For students around the world

Wake up
Go to school
After school activities
Do homework
Eat dinner
More homework
Sleep.

So normal
And yet
So different for each
And every person.

When did I become a joke to you?
When did I become the person you build up and up,
Only to tear down piece by piece by piece?

When did you start thinking it was okay to mess with my mind?
When did you start thinking that I was the perfect person
To break down and humiliate?

First I became your diary,
Then I became your therapist,
Next it was the advice giver
(Even though you never listened),
And now I’ve become the one you pretend to make plans with
Only to cancel at the moment you're supposed to arrive.

What gave you the idea that any of this was okay?
I’m so tired of the drama you bring.
I’m so tired of trying to help when you won’t listen.

I don’t think I can do this anymore
I don’t think I can be your friend;
Not if this is where it leads.

We planned an entire day,
And yet, here I am,
Writing this poem while watching TV
As I sit at home alone.

If you were looking for my breaking point
Then I can congratulate you on finding it,
You’ve finally hit the last straw.
No more!
I’m done!
This isn’t what friends do.

you were the nicest guy
i ever talked to.
i wish we had the chance
to meet.

you were the funniest guy
who made me laugh
i wish we had the chance
to talk face to face.

you were the weirdest guy
who made me feel normal
i wish we had the chance
to settle these oddly funny disputes.

i never got to actually meet you
i never saw your face.
but you were my best friend's
best friend.

when i heard you were sick
i knew we would never meet
face to face.  

but all those conversations
were enough
to last a life time.

i felt that i knew you
i felt that we would have been friends.
i wish we had the chance
to have been friends.

you were funny
you were weird
you were nice
all i wish
is that i had a chance to meet you.

It's 1 am and he called to wake me up.
Foggy mind,
Sleepy brain,
Sluggish limbs.
I answered not really paying attention to him
I'm too tired to think
Too tired to realize what's being said.

It's 1:15 am and I'm taking the elevator down to meet him;
But I get downstairs and finally realize what's happening
I'm not seeing him but rather I'm looking at you

It's 1:20 am and all I can think is that I shouldn't have picked up the phone.
I'm waking up
But it's too late
I've sealed my fate,
I'm still a little foggy
Still a little sluggish
I keep walking with you as I try to figure out if this was a mistake and if I should leave.

It's 1:30 am and we're in the bathroom and no one is around.
I'm fully awake
And you've asked,
I'll give credit to you for you did ask
But I was hesitant
I don't actually know you

It's 1:40 am and you're getting annoyed because I said no and all we're doing is talking
Talking
Talking
Talking
You want more
But I don't know what to do
Say yes and word is spread:
She's a ****,
She's a *****,
She sleep with everyone.
Say no and who knows what happens:
She's a *****,
You'll do it anyway,
You walk away.
Either way it could turn bad for me,
For you don't seem the type to take no as an answer

It's 1:45 am and I say no so you ask if I like music.
You say let's dance as music flows from the phone speakers.
I'm pushed against the bathroom wall.
No one is around.
It's quiet but for the music.
Night is fully present outside.

It's 1:50 am and I'm pushed against the wall with your body completely covering mine.
I don't want to be here.
I want to leave.
I'm not comfortable.
I said no.
And yet those are you're fingers pulling aside my shorts
And those are you fingers pushing my ******* away.
That's your other hand holding my hips in place
While your body holds me immobile.

It's 1:53 am and I'm panicking
I'm terrified
I don't know what to do!
What's happening?
I said no.
Is this my fault?
Did you read into this as me leading you on?
Why is this happening to me??!!

It's 1:54 am and I'm held against the bathroom wall when all I want is to not be here!
Slowly, you've pushed my pants aside,
Now I feel you pressing against my back.
When did you take your pants off?!
Slowly you're sliding yourself inside me
Hoping that I won't notice?
Hoping that I change my decision?
Hoping to ease my mind?

It's 1:55 am and the panic has taken control
Adrenaline is pumping through my veins
Fight or flight is pushing for my survival.
Unknown strength kicks in as I push off the wall
I knock you backwards
You trip over your pants wrapped around your ankles.
I rearrange my clothes so they're back where they should be
And I run for the door.
You call me a ***** and tell me not to leave until you put your clothes back on.

It's 2:00 am and I'm walking away, waiting as the minutes pass so you don't follow me home.
I'm standing outside the elevators
Debating whether or not to take it up
Or run up the stairs instead.
I don't want you to know where I live,
Even he had never been to my home.

It's 2:04 am and I'm still standing outside the elevators when you text me
Not knowing what to expect,
I consider deleting it without opening it,
But truth be told, curiosity gets the better of me,
5 words is all you write:
You're a ******* fat *****.

It's 2:07 and I finally decide I've waited long enough and take the elevator.
I walk into my apartment and head straight for my room.
I fall on the bed.
Everything plays back through my mind.
I question everything;
Why did I answer my phone?
Why did I go downstairs?
What was I thinking?
Why didn't I leave sooner?
Was this all my fault?
What did I do to deserve this?
Why me?
It's my fault.
It's all my fault.
My fault
My fault.
My fault.
My fault.

It's a few weeks later, New Year's Eve, and I'm out with a friend.
I tell her about him and I tell her about you
And the first thing she says is that you tried to **** me.
You tried to **** me
**** me.
****. Me.
****.
****.
****.
The word circles my mind.
It's the first time the word connects with what happened.
With what you tried to do.

It's minutes later, as we move away from the crowds waiting for the fireworks so we can have privacy.
****.
I argue that it doesn't connect
For you weren't inside me for long.
The word seems far fetched
Like that didn't happen to me
All because you never had the chance to ****** inside me again and again.

Days, weeks, months, years pass and I "come to terms" with what happened.
I realize it may not be categorized as **** but it was ****** assault.
I keep what happened close to me.
I don't want the memory of you in my head
I push aside what happened
I refuse to think about it
And when I do, I down play what I went through in those few minutes.

It's 3 years later and I'm finally realizing that what I thought was my "acceptance" of what happened was only dreaming.
I know I haven't recovered mentally
Not yet
Maybe I won't.
But I'm finally realizing I have to face that night
I have to face what happened
So that I can move forward
So that the memories stop haunting me
So that I don't live with the shame and embarrassment.
But most important of all,
I'm finally realizing that
IT
WASN'T
MY
FAULT!

It's been 3 years this month and I'm facing what happened.
I was assaulted.
I was forced into something I wasn't comfortable with.
And it wasn't my fault.
These are the facts.
3 years and I'm finally coming out and saying what happened to me.
3 years and I'm finally acknowledging what happened to me.
3 years and I'm finally facing what happened to me head on.
3 years and I'm finally willing to talk about what happened to me.

Just leave me be
And I'll leave you.
Me and you
Were through.
You ruined my friendships
You ruined my year.
You yell at me,
Ignore me,
Pretend to like me.
And yet I know,
What is really happening.
We used to be friends,
But now were not,
All thanks to you,
For ruining my life.
So leave me now,
And never come back,
Because I don't like you,
And you don't like me.

Five years.
So much can happen
In that amount of time.

Five years ago you left.
Five years ago I thought I'd never see you again.
Five years ago seems a life time away.

Four years ago I found new friends.
Four years ago I didn't know how I'd get through.
Four years ago is so far away.

Three years ago I wasn't sure who my friends were.
Three years ago I saw you again for the first time.
Three years ago is so far gone now.

Two years ago I thought I found a new best friend.
Two years ago you came to live with me for a few weeks.
Two years ago is a distant memory.

One year ago I was shunned by my friends.
One year ago I said a final good-bye, unsure of how long until I would see you again.
One year ago is something I'm holding onto for the years to come.

Four months from now I won't have any friends.
Four months from now you and I, we will be reunited.
Four months from now is a future I'm grasping desperately.

Five years is a long time
To go without a best friend.
To go without my sister.

In a short span of months
We can finally see each other!
We can finally stop saying good-bye.

The next four years
Will be the best!
We won't have to wait and fly thousands of miles just to see each other.

From Prague to Kuala Lumpur
Takes so much time and is so far
We only see each other once a year.

Manhattan to Bronx
Doesn't take so long and is not as far.
Now we can see each other whenever we want!!

Five years.
So much can happen
In that amount of time.

But now,
Now we are together
Once again.

Wake up
Wake up
Its time to go
You’ve said good-bye
Now let’s go.

Eight years of my life
Flashed before my eyes
(But really it was only four)
It was time to leave.

Two weeks spent travelling
A seemingly endless time
Upon return
There’s nowhere to go
No place to call home.

Let’s go
Let’s go
It’s time to leave,
You’ve packed your bags
Now let’s go.

A few weeks for exploration
Then it’s time to meet new people
School starts
And the months go by
I want to be home.

A year is up
So much has happened
I’ve made new friends
And it sort of feels like home
Without the memories.

Goodbye
Goodbye
You’ve made new friends
Now it’s time they leave
Now they go.

A new year has started
More friends to make
New countries to explore
Time flies by
Where is home?

The year is ended
Flights are booked
Home is in sight…
But at journeys end
It feels like a different world.

Hurry up
Hurry up
It’s time to make your second goodbyes
The tickets are ready
Now it’s time to go.

Without a thought
A new year starts
Old friend’s new friends
All together
Not tearing apart.

Another year passes
Where has the time gone?
It’s halfway through the year
Another goodbye
The end of the year; add three more.

Wait!
Wait!
It’s time for me to go
I’m not ready to say goodbye
Now it’s time to go.

The months drag on
As I make new friends
(There are no old)
The year is almost up
I’m longing for a home.

Summer is gone and school has started
New cities to adventure to
Sports in different countries.
Friends have changed
And some stayed the same.

Farewell for now
Farewell for now
It’s time to leave
But I’ll see you all
At summers end.

Friends and drama
Fights are breaking out
All I want
Is to disappear
And go home.

School ends without a change
(Fights and drama surround us all)
A new year starts
Things finally work out
But it’s not the same.

Come on
Come on
It’s time to leave
It’s our last trip
Now let’s go.

Our final year
Things are weird
The truth is pushed aside
Where no one can see it
The year goes on.

Graduation
Nobody wants to be the first
To say the unwanted words
That will bring an end
To the past four years.

Goodbye
Goodbye
It’s time to go our separate ways.
I’ll go here you’ll go there
Now it’s time to go.

9 years have flown by
Now I’ve left and I don’t know who I am
I’m meeting new people
And trying to find my way
Away from everything I knew.

All I know is
I’m American; but not really
I’m Malaysian; but not really
I’m a part of a different culture
Mixed between the two.

Here I am
Here I am
It’s time to embrace the new
I’m here now
Now it’s time to explore the new.

When the thought of a simple call
To the bank,
Or the doctor,
Leaves you in tears.

When working up the courage to call
Your best friend you just texted,
Or the pizza place down the road,
Leaves you with acrobatic elephants in your stomach.

When getting up on time
To go to class,
Or your job interview,
Leaves you nauseous.

When you sit there ten minutes later thinking
Why does this happen every time?
Or why can't I be normal?
Leaves you feeling like a failure.

Just say "hello"
Nope, that'll leave you wanting to *****.
Smile to them
Nope, that'll leave you shaking and sweating.
Give a wave
Nope, that'll leave you on the floor rocking back and forth.

At the end of the day
When all you can think about
Is how you were so terrified you couldn't move,
Or that you just want it to end and go away,
But knowing that it'll just keep happening

When all they can say to you is:
Just do it already.
Why do you have to make things so difficult?
Get over it!
Can't you ever act normal?
As you learn to hate yourself just a bit more
Each and every day.
As you slowly fall back
Into a downward spiral of depression.

You said you loved me,
but I see no sign of that love,
no sign of that care.

You said you'd always be there,
but now that I need you,
you've walked away.
Where are you?

I need you!
I don't have anyone,
not even you!
I'm all alone.

What happened to your promise?
What happened to tear us apart?

I told you the truth,
thinking nothing would come of it
But the truth
is what happened.

Now we never speak.
Now we never act.
So here we are,
waiting from afar
Waiting for the other
to make the first move...

Continuation of Life is Just a Metaphor and The Lone Wolf*

The wolf howls,
A piercing sound
And yet there is a note,
A note of happiness;
The wolf is rejoicing
For he is no longer in despair.
After moons upon moons,
The lone wolf
Found a pack mate.
Another wolf
Just as lost and alone,
Another searching,
Searching for a pack,
For acceptance.

Finding another
To join the foreign pack,
Helped to ease the tension
Built up in the pack,
The pack the lone wolf
Intruded, forced himself into.
The unwilling acceptance,
From the pack,
Of the lone wolf,
Gradually becomes
A shakey understanding,
Developing into trust.

With the help of his new friend,
The not-so-lone-wolf
Is finally allowed
To be part of the pack.
Every day he thinks of his old pack.
Remembering those gone,
But rejoicing at his new family.
No longer alone,
The wolf howls
His angelic sound
Along with his pack
As a hunt begins.

For those nights when you just want to cry
But the tears refuse to fall
For those days when you just want to leave your bed
But your legs fail to move.

When your mind follows an endless cycle
Of frustration and anxiety
Resulting in a downward spiral of depression
Into an abyss of darkness and self hatred

The only thought being your desire for the emotions to just stop;
The wanting to exist without the feelings;

The feelings of failure;
Constant self condemnation;
Endless frustration;
Unbounded worthlessness;
Inexhaustible mental agony.

When there's a war in your mind
As you battle against yourself
Day after day
Week after week
Constant, never ending fighting.

these anchors on my feet
are all that are holding me
they are too heavy to move

each time i try
they slip out of my hands.
too heavy and too slippery.

these weights are holding me back
making me stay when all i want
is to spread my wings and fly.

but my feet are anchored.
my wings are tied together.
i'm stuck.

these steel ***** hold me here.
each time i try to leap forward
i'm pulled back and slammed back down.

how much longer must i be a prisoner
a prisoner of my own life?
how much longer must i be pulled back
and thrown back into the same cell
before i realize i must be patient?

i'm a prisoner in my own life
and yet i can't free myself!
my feet are held to this earth
by the titanium blocks
of a high schooler's reality

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I'm tired of the sadness and tears;
Of the loneliness and despair,
Of the constant silence and emptiness.

I'm tired of the fear and darkness;
Of the memories that crawl through my mind,
Of the shame and terror they inspire.

I'm tired of the lies and pretending;
Of the words that leave my mouth,
Of the false "I'm fine" phrases.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.

I'm tired of the worries and stress;
Of the horrible scenarios,
Of the amazing scenarios.

I'm tired of the headaches and pain;
Of the emotions cartwheeling around,
Of the spiritual and emotional drain.

I'm tired of the heartache and failure;
Of the feeling of never being enough,
Of the quiet before it all hits.

I'm so tired,
So tired of it all.