her heart beat too fast for him,
too hard and too loud.
he loved to dance to her rhythm,
but his arms could not hold
onto her for long,
could not stand the wildness
radiating from within her.
so she held her breath,
she rejoiced less and was quiet.
her bounding heart slowed to
a whisper
and quickened only when
beheld by him.
she missed the feeling of life
in her chest always,
and soon she herself
became a whisper,
enveloped in the cool silence
of his arms
where she slowly turns
instead of dances.

he filled my bones with
    moonlight and cicada songs,
his kisses tasted of
    slow lazy days
and even when i felt the seasons
    change,
i couldn't let him go

Happy New Year!
Reflection
"He made the team!"
Lots of basketball
Back to school
Time to decide on a college
"Hey, you want to join Speech and Debate?"
Instant best friends
Lots of practice time after school
"And 2nd place goes to..."
"Hi, my name is Max"
Lots of foreign kisses and adventures
Time to apply for college
Mom, I got a scholarship!
Prom is just around the corner
Would you go to the prom with me?
Graduation is just around the corner
No tears, I'll see you soon
Job interview
"We'd love to have you"
Difficult work days
"One of you kids is throwing up in the bathroom..."
Tears
I can't do this
Smiles
"Sit by me!"
Saying Goodbye
"You made my trip to America. I can't forget you"
Buying textbooks
It's how much??
First day of college
"We're in this together"
Several coffee dates later
I'd punch myself in the face if you weren't here
Feeling disconnected
"Welcome to the BSU"
Finals week
Ingest coffee. Cry
The pay-off
4.0
"Let's go to a theme park!"
Park closed until Wednesday
Let's hang out!
"I'm in Denver..."
"Let's hang out!"
I'm on my way
I missed you.
"We'll hang out before I go back"
"I miss you!"
You'll be back soon, love!
Happy New Year!
*Reflection

its been long enough
that the memories
are starting to fade
from the glare
of reality.
but the one moment
i still feel
as vividly now
as i did then
is when he stared into
my deepest parts and whispered
this? this right here? its real.

the only thing i feel
more vividly than that
is the hurt from realizing
**it wasn't true

That smile, right?
He was smooth.
He could tell you the sky was
green and you'd believe him.
Soon you felt special.
You were the escape,
the safe haven, right?
Promises were made in seconds,
and were supposed to last forever.
Like when you talked about running away.
Leaving one town for the next, heck, even
a new country.
All doors seemed open.
Until you started to go through one and
BAM!
You smacked into the glass lens of a
CNN news camera
Alone.
The smile was gone.
The promises broken.
Now it's inquisitions and allegations.
It's the 6'o'clock news and tear soaked pillows.
It's memories that were burnt into your mind
waking you up at night.
But who hasn't been taken in, only to be shoved out?
I mean, it takes 2 to tango, Monica,
but we all have dance cards that we wish weren't punched.
I guess the only difference between us is
*your guy was married

If I danced with the sun,
would you curse my shade,
or take care of my shadow?
Let lost things
be rediscovered,
give in to wishing with me.
Taste the height of our adventures as
we race towards heaven
darling.
Learn to love Life,
who has always loved you,
who might love me

i have a lover
      tender and innocent,
who tucks in his shirt
and brushes my arm
        when he walks by.
he is passionate and giving,
listens to classical music
and caresses my cheek
         when he kisses me.
i think i love him so
because of these things
          and also because
*he is the opposite of me

Autism prays for...
Chuck E. Cheese
Maya and Miguel
Huey, Dewey, and Louie
Mom and Dad
Pizza rolls
Subway sandwiches
Grannie
Greeney phantom
dogs,
the Brady Bunch
His greatness
His provision
and comedy cartoons
to watch all day.
**Amen

I'm found wanting the lion's share
of life,
often reaching for the stars and
taking the moon as well.
Youth courses through my veins
like gemstones as
blind ambition promises the world to me,
served on a platter forged of wanderlust and
childlike curiosity,
as a dowry.
He pecks my cheek and speaks of
what's to come,
of our progeny-
every wish that's made on a falling star and
every innocent kiss between lovers.
These and more I'm to have-
nights spent under foreign skies,
sincere love notes that were never delivered,
and cherished songs who lost their lyrics but
are still hummed to little ones.
Because of him,
these are to be my gifts,
they are to be my children,
they are to be my legacy.

My lover is
     strong, kind and tender,
but when he held me in his arms
he confessed that he felt
                                          less of a man
because we were clothed only in
vulnerability
but hadn't known each other yet.
                   "Any other guy would jump at this opportunity" he said.
"But you're not any other guy,"
I said.
"And that's why I'm laying here"

His love confuses me,
it came on fast
and hit me hard
so that I'm left spinning.
He took me in his arms
and practiced Russian
by whispering sweet nothings
until all hours of the morning,
until his lips could do nothing
but kiss mine.
He took me dancing,
and tangoed with me
until dusk,
until his hips could do nothing
but dig into mine.
He loved me over time,
in ebbs and flows
like the sea loves the sand,
until he couldn't help
but fall into my tide.
And now he's away,
he'll always be "away",
today Bloomington,
tomorrow Berlin.
And now I'm aching,
I'll always be aching,
today for Indiana,
tomorrow for Germany.

Things are slipping,
sliding,
careening,
inevitably out of my control.
When did the ropes I tied so carefully
begin to
fray?
When did the hands that held everything
begin to
fatigue?
Were there hints;
subtle looks and comments that
shot past my naive senses?
There must have been.
Because now he's slipping,
sliding,
walking
out of my grasp.
Leaving.
The unspoken reality that pierces a
hole in me no amount of
faked enthusiasm can repair.
Intentions are good,
minds are innocent,
but tensions are high.
I want the best for both,
but only think of one.
It's rough.
Like the proverbial sand I'm
trying to stop from escaping
my grip,
but not as rough as realizing
*there's nothing I can do

My heart has know every kind of love it can

If it wasn't love,
the hole she felt
in her chest
told her it was
***** close

Two entities, the ***** and the harlot, have a conversation in my mind:

Harlot, you can't go running after every guy that smiles at you
Yes *****, but you can't go frowning at them every time they look at you either
There's nothing wrong with playing hard to get
The way you play makes them think there's nothing worth getting
Listen Harlot, if it wasn't for me, every man you met would have gotten some
But you need me, *****. You let your head and heart get filled with all these silly romantic dreams, and then there's no one around to love you. If it wasn't for me, you'd be a lonely soul
Maybe you haven't noticed, but I am lonely. Every time you let a man in, I have to push him out

Maybe if you cut loose once in a while you wouldn't be so alone
And maybe if you tightened up you wouldn't have such a friendly reputation following you around. I know you think its fun when you're stretched out in their arms, but we both know that they always leave, and I come out and put my arms around you. I'm the one to fix the hurt, mend the wounds, and field the emotions
**...That may be true, but if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't know what love is, wouldn't know what its like to hear someone whisper your name. You say you hate me, but I know its stuffy holdin' those clothes on so tight.  
So you may be ashamed of me,  you may clean up my mess, but the reality is, *****, you need my past. You need my confidence, and you need to learn that I may be quiet, but I can not go away.
I will be your shadow, I'm the darkest part of you, and even when the lights are on, I've done things we can't undo.
So let's make a deal, a pact, to coincide in peace. I'll be on my best behavior if you'll take care of me

I'm not scared of waking up alone.
I'm terrified that you're not.

on a late night
you filled his mind with thoughts of us
and told his mouth that they should be shared

so you didn't just fill his mind
you filled mine,
with hidden away things
brought out only by wine
and sad movies

now we both have full minds
slurred speech
wanting hearts
and a problem.

Dance with me,
my soul cannot be still
around *you.

They loved each other so deeply,
They never resurfaced

I dreamt that you
   were laying beside me
   but instead of ribs
   there were constellations
   and half mumbled wishes
holding you together.
You took my hand and
    held it to your chest
    telling me to take a
  fallen star for myself,
to remind me of you.
When I couldn't grasp one
    I looked at you
   desperately,
    and you laid back with
    your blue eyes closed
And told me to *"keep reaching"

I missed you
even when I was in your arms
because
I knew
the lips you were kissing
weren't mine.

I listened to his heart beat
night after night.
I felt it beneath my ear
my hand
my lips.
I traced it and cherished it.
I even tucked my own away
inside it...

Few things hurt more
than the realization
that it doesn't beat for me
like mine does for him.

If my bones poked more readily
through my skin,
would more men
long to cut themselves
on my edges?