I love you
as much as I loved myself
You love me
the best way you possibly can

But,

I don't love myself anymore
and you?
You just simply can't find reason
to love me anymore

Today
is
the
worst
15th.
I'm sad.
I'm disappointed.
But I still love you
and I feel like a fool.

It was the 15th day of October
When i first known you
It started as an ordinary day
But ended as a wonderful one

Who would have thought?
That I'll meet my forever through an online game
A very weird game, i don't even know why i started playing
But I'll thank that game over and over again
For it led a **** like me to a goddess like you

You are not as friendly as the others are
Yet you caught my attention, i don't know why
You don't find me funny when i made my jokes
But deep inside, i know i made you laugh

You eventually warmed up
Thanks to my charm
We started as friends
A complicated one

You were broken but still inlove
With a boy named Drake
I hate him so much
For he made you cry and left you behind

I was taken and still inlove
With a girl named Jaja
She's beautiful and kind
She's all that i talked to you about

Our friendship grows as days passed by
Constant communication through online
So when the time i got so broken
Coz the girl i love left me without warning
You were there for me all the time
Made me feel fine even when you're not

I made mistakes and made you fall
For me to have fun all along
But then my guilt is eating me whole
I admitted to you the greatest lie of all

You hated me for being a ****
Yet you still accepted me after all
I knew i have fallen to you as well
I'm just too coward to accept it all

We started a new friendship
On a very clean slate
With renewed limitations
And a little reservation

Twenty-eight months
That's how long we waited
To take a risk on this friendship
And make it an official relationship

Going back to the day of October 15th
When i known the girl of all my dreams
The girl who gave me love and peace
The girl who make me look forward for more 15th

I always have this feeling

that I'm not doing as much as I can in this world

or I'm not changing the world in any way,

So what's the point of living?

I just wanted to erase my existence,

but then a dreadful moment happened

I lost my mom to cancer

it made me feel like it was selfish of me to choose to die

when some people don't even have a choice.

What's the point of existing when you're not needed anymore?

I just don't want to live in this world anymore.

The day i was planning to **** myself
A friend of mine attempted suicide
Mixed emotions rushed through my body
Sadness
Envy
Anger
Relief
Thoughts like "that could've been me"
I could be in that situation
And them in mine

The friend who did it before i do
I saw him as a brother
Someone who protected me
I remembered my father said
"Suicide is so selfish,
I can't lose anyone from it"
And that is why I'm still alive.

The truth in six words....




You cannot make a person happy.

You can make them laugh
You can make them smile
You can make them feel good
But whether they are happy or not
Is out of your control
Because happiness is a choice
A choice you make for your own

Make yourself happy ☺

Sometimes,
I walk around
Scan the crowd
Randomly sit on a cafe
And wonder if that is the place
Where our paths will cross.

If that day happens,
Would you randomly sit with me
As if we've known each other
For a very long time
Would you start to walk with me
And never leave my side?

There is something i would like to tell you

I figured out some time ago







This could break something really precious
And might cause so much pain

Things have changed to what they are before
I am not who i used to be
I still love you and care so much for you
But those are not enough

I am lost and couldn't find my way back
I'm struggling everyday
I even question my mere existence
In this wild and crazy world

You are right, i am such a coward
I back out the moment things get hard
I am weak and will not stand to fight
Even for something which my heart desires

So now, I'm saying goodbye
Through this poem I'm sure you will read
I know you deserve better
Than just a poem that is full of nonsense

Thank you for all that you've done for me
Thank you for standing up for me
When others kept mocking and doubting me
Thank you for everything

And just like this poem
The thing between us needs to end
Not because i lost my love for you
I love you and i always will
But it's now time to face the truth
Things are not like what they used to be
So baby, let's end it.

She radiates happiness.
Smiles.
Warmth.
Positivity.
A beautiful sunshine.

And me...

I am filled with sorrow.
Chaotic.
Cold.
Gloomy.
A dark storm.

How can we be together?

It is just the 2nd day
But it already feels like a year

For 3 years,
You've been a constant in my life
We may not talk as often as
we do on the first year
But the thought of you always around
Enables me to endure each day

Today is day 02
of me being single again
It's the decision i made
so we can both move on with our lives
It was not an easy decision
I contemplated about it
and know that I got my heart broken
in the process of fulfilling that decision

Everything is just too painful right now
I keep checking your blogs
So that I can have an update about you
I badly want to message you
But that'll be too selfish
Knowing that you would want
some space for now

I can't eat
I can't sleep
I don't even want to do anything
Because I'm too afraid that
if I entertained myself with something else
I will lose my grip on the memory of you

D
you're Dangerous
when you're mad
it is also for long Drives
i know you love those

E
you're an Enigma
very hard to decipher
i wish you can open up a little more
because I'm willing to give you
Everything

F
you're Friendly
you always make sure
that everyone around you is okay
you're Funny
do i really need to elaborate this?

I love you
I miss you
I'm sorry
Be happy
Those are the words i often say to you

I love you.
I love you so much.
I feel like dying right now.

I miss you.
I miss you very much
I miss you every second of everyday.

I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I'm sorry for hurting you up until now.

Be happy.
Always be happy even without me.
Your happiness and smiles are important to me.

This is not a confession
But an act of appreciation
For such a wonderful creation
That is full of passion

You shine the brightest
Uplift me when I'm at my lowest
You only want the best
For me, you're already the greatest

You smile at the simplest things
You worry about everything
Your genuine care and constant reminding
Is what makes you so admiring

I have known you for only a few years
But i caused you thousand of tears
You are my biggest fear
All i want is for you to be near

With this love, we start anew
A long journey for me and you
For now, all i want to do
Is to tell you how much i love you

Sadness
Happiness
Fear
Love
Doubt
I feel all those crazy emotions for you.

You remind me of my favorite song.
You remind me of my favorite movie,
my favorite place.
Staring into the perfect view of the beach, along with the perfect view of you
You remind me of comfort,
when you watch videos of dogs and
other simple, silly things.
A fun and crazy person
I always wanted to be.
When i see you dancing your favorite song
Like no one is watching.
You remind me of happiness,
when i see your smiles.
You remind me of how annoying you are,
when you flood my inbox with random messages.
You remind me of my favorite shirt,
when you wear it as if it's your own.
You remind me of the late nights,
when we have long conversations.
Maybe it's the look in your eyes.
Maybe it's your melodious laugh.
Maybe it's everything you do,
that reminds me of how beautiful life can be.
You remind me of everything i love
and everything i love, is you.

But the one i love, doesn't exist,
and i don't know if it ever will.
You're a figment of my imagination.
I created you in my mind
as perfect as you can possibly be,
and i fell inlove with the thought of you.
You dont exist and you may never will.

You now reminds me of the nights
I struggle against sleep
You now reminds me of everything
I can't and will never have
You remind me of the pain that love brings.
You remind me of everything i love,
and everything i love will never be me
if i don't have you.

Don't think...
Don't worry...
But also don't stop...







Just have faith that it will work out for the best.

I stood there
in front of everyone
staring at me
mocking me
waiting for me
to commit a mistake

I trembled
I came unprepared
lost in the situation
with judging eyes
piercing through my core
ready to eat me whole

I opened my mouth
uttered my piece
broke the silence
that covered us all
fighting for my existence
and proving them wrong

I offered you a hand
to help you up
But you've insulted it
because it's full of scars
You just don't know
that those scars
Are the results
of me
protecting you from harm

G
You're the most Generous person
that I've ever known
I wish more people knew
how Gorgeous your heart is

H
You're the epitome of Hard Work
you work hard in everything you do
I admire your Humility
I want to be just like you

I
Incredible
No other words
for this word alone
describes the kind of person you are

Hello!
How are you?
Yes, you.
I'm acknowledging your presence

Hello!
How's your day?
Is it as good as mine?
Yes, you.
I'm acknowledging your existence

Hello!
What are you doing?
Yes, you.
I'm acknowledging your actions

Hello!
Yes, you
I'm really talking to you
I want you to know
that even though we don't know each other
I appreciate you
and everything you do.
So, keep up the gopd work
'till we see each other

Haven't heard from you for so long
Feels like I don't know you anymore
I wonder where did it all go wrong
Let's go back to how it was before

I visited your blog today
Hoping to get an update about you
The first thing that caught my attention
"Help"
I felt sad after i read it
For i am screaming for the same thing
I was supposed to be there for you
To make you happy
But i know i failed after i read
"I tried killing my sadness by killing myself"
I so much wanted to be saved
And forgot that you needed saving as well
I texted you but never got any reply
I worry about you
Please be strong
Please be safe
Help yourself
And I'll do the same

We played a game
and i am "it"
I started counting
1, 2
Go and run fast
3, 4
Hide where I can't see
5, 6
Walls, shadows and words
They help you disappear
7, 8
I keep on searching
9
I'm starting to get tired
10
Peakaboo!!
I see you.
You're finally found.

Your eyes
Full of sadness
Mirrors the cruel world
How can it still be so beautiful?

Your hands
Full of scars
Reminder of struggles and pain
How can it still be so soothing?

Isn't it unfair?
How can you be so you?
How do you do it?
How can it be?

How far can it go?
My undying love for you
Will it reach you?
I hope it does

How far can it go?
Your patience for me
Will you choose to stay?
I hope you do

How far can it go?
This relationship of us
Will it be forever?
I hope it is

How far can it go?
This whisper of confession  
Are you listening?
I hope you are

Distance between you and me
A challenge for us to conquer
But no matter how far it is
My loyalty will forever be yours

You are my always and forever
You are my sunrise and sunset
The beginning and ending
My ups and my downs
In case you didn't know
I Love You so much