Caring and understanding
Both are feelings from the same zone
Only one leaves you alone
The other fills you with joy
Ones just a ****** ploy

We are a species unknown.
We are stuck between,
got lost in transition
from adolescence.

And
here we go again
a taste of sweet
a lust for ***
a journey down
a path already walked
we know the ending
naked bodies
touch and caress
another one night stand

There’s times when I wish I forgot
everything you said
and everything you did
the times when i end up like this
with other people seeing all the
hurt you did
- just as i was a kid -
Now, I’m 24, i’m in a psych ward
thinking this is all my fault
I should have been powerful enough
to make all these words and thoughts stop
I’m here and I don’t want to be
but there’s nowhere safer from you
      - and your destruction
I guess there’s no better way
to remove all the thoughts of betrayal
I wish you were just washed away
with the dirt on the your porch
but instead i’m still lingering
locked down with this burnt out torch.

I sat in silence
In a room full of sound
I watched the eyes of others
All of them passed me by
I was nothing to look at
I was too shy;
The girl in the corner
Didn't even want to be bothered.

I don't want to come off depressed
However that's what this is nonetheless
I lay in bed
And I lay on couches
I think about how there's places better than this
I think about how I'm tired of the circles I've been running since April.
This is what September brings.
Thoughts of irrational things
Thoughts of harm
Definitely thoughts of death
It'd be this month that this depression overtakes me.
It'd be this month, the ninth one, to teach myself a lesson.
Depression is more than this.
It's when words make you cry
     Though I did
It's when a person's touch makes you tremble
    Which it did
It's when you're in denial
      Which I am
It's when you can't be alone for fear of self
       Here I am
       Scared to death
That's what September is.

this forgetfulness has to stop
its eating at my brain
taking all of every day
they flutter away
it makes  me feel ashamed
to forget the simple things

I haven’t had to lay it all out.
A few tears gets my thoughts out.
A few good songs,
removes those thoughts
the ones that used to be so easily bought

Trembling hands
Shaking feet
There's a fine line
That's where they meet
Like a cold winter day
Mixed with July heat
My heart sinks
Knowing what I think
And wondering what they might
I just know I'm tired of this fight

I don’t really wanna be that girl
that girl that was just a hurdle
to get over that ex
that caused nothing but a mess

I would like to be that girl
that you can come home and kiss
and tell her that you did miss

I like it when you kiss my cheek
and my forehead
the tip of my nose
I like your eyes
and when you touch my thigh
when we’re driving down the road
it’s a nice place to be
you next to me.

I'll dance with you so freely
Never like I have before
Being beside you is easy
You have a presence that touches my core
In some ways I've felt this before
With you though it's better
Better than the rest
Most possibly the best
I've never had something like this
Someone I can say how I feel
And dance like no one is watching
I think I might be falling

Our bodies making music in the sheets,
These are memories we need to keep.
Our whispers echo softly
Into each other's soul
Overlapping and corresponding to each beat
We make music in the sheets.

these racing thoughts
always interrupt
when i am calmed down
from the last up
it’s really hard you know
to decipher when
i’m ok to be alone
& when i need to be in an isolated zone

the real world scares me
because i can’t really be me
not a whole lot of people have to deal, you see
there was that chance i had
to stay gone forever
i guess i was too weak
to pull THAT lever

it worked in the end, ya know
one phone call
and a few missed ones
i was able to see the strength in me

now’s not any different
i just have to **** it up
and ask for assistance
not only from my mom
but from everyone i know
in some way as long as i am
able to return the favor someway

i’m not alone in this
i just have to remember that
there is a list i have
and people i can count on
my life isn’t a con
just a bare miss
i only need to remember
I Am Not Alone In This

laying with my head at your feet
i think of things
and the way we meet
i think of things
and wonder of all your stories
i wish i knew who you were
you'd be more than simple company
i think of things that could have possibly
brought you there to here

enveloped in your embrace
sinking safely to the
netherland where
my lipstick meets your face
sticking calmly to your cheek
an imprint made to last, I
could feel it for years after
I grabbed the memory
from the air as it was created
knowing the moment
would fly by with
such speed, but i can still
feel your skin through my shirt
and your fingertips tracing
my chin, cheek, and hairline
I can feel your eyes as they
wander amazed as i sob
tears in your passenger seat
and conclude with a warrant
to kiss you
not knowing if i’ll have
the time again
to show how much love
can pour from my skin
and into yours lighting a fire
that would still be burning
the afternoon after
the coffee and cigarettes
were gone. There’s beauty
in disaster and truth in struggle
and i found both of the better
with you. Smiling and laughing
and asking about my day
and always being tucked in
so tight
like i was precious cargo

We’ll drive all night with nothings to
speak, but everything to hear. only
of course to leave the house of
what we know and expand our mind,
a trip across the universe. such is no
waste. I am free.
I am free. I
am free.
and the only thing I need is to know
How in the world do I go back?
we used to drive all night. I’ve
missed your face and the space
your body encapsulated as the
beat blared through our bones
Again, can we do that again?

I wish you would stop
These stupid petty games
The ones that I'm supposed to play
The ones where you don't let go
After I said that is it
For Sure
I'm not coming back
I don't want friendship
I don't want your apologies
I want nothing to do with you
Then
All of your angry words
Just make me out to be the worst

i picked you up and sang this sweet melody
to you here instead of through the telephone
you my girl deserve a smile
that’s so genuine
it will make all the others cringe
with envy at the thought
of you and me ending up
to be the two best friends
either of us could ever have

I want to kiss your cheek
and grab your hair
and just in case
I’d like to kiss your lips

most of all,
I’d like to be visible
more than just to you
and more than to your friends
I’d like to be the visible
I was two weeks,
even three weeks ago.

when I was that visible
I could kiss you
and I could cuddle you.
I was allowed to want you,
and i didn’t feel ashamed to see you

there’s this unspoken talk
that we didn’t need to have
but there we were
on this rocking love seat
you asked if you’d be
the only one accepting my kiss
I didn’t need to look at my feet
to tell you -
you’d be the only one kissing me

here we are now
& I’m waiting on this conversation
the sober version of
you referring to me as your girlfriend
your best friend says
-he cares about you.
& ever since I’m wondering
-does this still hold true?

I don’t want to end up blue
if this ends up downhill
after being stuck like glue
almost every day to you .

I will always be that girl
the one who took your heart
I took it and tore it apart
and here I am
needing it stitched back together
while im still stapling myself

floating in the air
staring at the water
and the waves around
you
making magic fly
from my fingertips
higher in the sky
more than i’ve ever
been knowing that
i’m worth it
looking back in moonlight
the darkness appears

i have a nice apartment
two beautiful cars, a loving mom
and caring friends
ones that have
bent over more than once, more
than what i ever would have thought
they would just make sure i could
still stand on somewhat solid ground
looking to be found
i’m not really sure
if it’s by me or someone else
but, ****, it seems like hell

standing here alone and looking out
at all these people who care about me
yet i still feel like a burden
sometimes it’d be easier
if they’d shut the curtain
if they’d closed the doors
and let me be the girl outside
still looking for her way

How are you supposed to eat
When you don't have an appetite
But know you can't
Because it just makes you sick.

i stroll down the path i know, yet i
feel warmth crawl under my skin
you tap on my heart making sure it
breathes, sparks flutter through my veins.
on cue, it seems i fall to the floor. beneath
my fingertips, imprints find those
bones i want to call home.
so lips meet new lips, the sole way
i know how to convey. i
peel the shirt, the art off your
back appearing are the scars
my eyes knew were there. your new
skin sparkles like winter mornings
and the empty sky above isn’t enough to
let you let me tap on your heart, too.
you storm away and i am left
inside with my clothes still on

People always tell me, “he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth,”
But how did his mother form a spoon of silver?
Was his mother made of gold,
Placenta made of diamonds?
Perhaps, instead, the doctor placed it
As he placed the eggs with daddy’s *****.
Where is it, then, can I find a silver spoon
To insert into my ******,
Believing my procreation will hold
It locked between her lips as she makes her exit?
Dreary days await,
Between a dying black mother and a teen
Without abortion options,
Between unaffordable housing and
The pricy whole food grocery store,
Between budget draining formula and
Deprecating comments from men without
**** - or kids.
So, tell me, then where is my silver spoon?
How can I put it inside,
Store it away to upcycle into education?
But it sure would be nice
Not to walk down to the corner pawn shop
And request an education - her education.
I’m not asking for a handout,
Because look where we are, drowning
Amongst failed startups in
Pursuit of the American Dream.
I’m asking for simple decency,
And for you to share with the future
The very means in which have buried
Your sensibility
To maybe lessen the anxiety
And suicidal rates of a country
Founded on freedom
That is trapped by pharmaceuticals
And the choice of living rich
Or dying broke.
I’m only asking for some decency,
To share your boat with sinking dreamers.
I’m only asking for you to plant a seed.
I can do the watering.

I’m only asking for a little bit of decency.

I fall back down and I
wanna stay here underground to
steal all the seeds that
your hand holds in front of me
soul to soul daisies will grow
and shoot above the ground
hide behind the grass, only
you can see the flowers
in between my ears, my oh
my these roots are like
treasure hidden inside my
chest sprouting to heal old wounds

ice drops from my fingertips
air crawls over my skin
i can’t escape this feeling
where do i go from here
being traced like a french girl
laying bare in your place
the only place i want to
continue to know
where do i go from here
drowning in my own skin
drowning in yours

Do you love her, friend?
With the way you hold her,
and flowers that you send.

Are you going to care for her?
make soup when she’s ill.
Are you sure, sir?

Can you swallow this pill,
as large as a horse or
be still in the sill?

Do you burn to the core,
friend, laying dormant
at night wishing for more?

Is this the wretched torment
wished upon me,
watching our lives ferment?

Poppies floating in hair,
golden flecks of red
It will never be me.


I’ve only thought of things you’ve said.
I digress, it’s she you have undressed.

magic mornings here with you
grasping for a piece of grace
fingertips paint the fields
rooting within the ruin

The satiation that went unmet
Thoughts unraveling
As I touch the sky
Wrangled back in
Contemplating the exhilaration below
The dilemma of silence
Pushing the fog aside
To let myself feel
One more time
Rooting in elation
As branches dance in
Letting go of gravity

              Or trying to

I am a chrysalis who only
wants protection and
to be protected, because as I
sit slowly unwinding my energy is
down, slowly propelling to the ground
and i shatter as i meet the pavement
hearing nothing but crickets, not even
your voices pretending to quiet my
mind’s racing thoughts

I am still on the sidewalk, they
don’t even look at me, the
want to walk right past,
to crush me under their soles,
leaving fragments as evidence.
anyone, anyone don’t leave me
behind

but as you sink i float on
we’ll separate like dew on grass the
need to settle in the ground appears
to me, not to you having yet to
learn with simplicity comes strength
to overcome a raging past to
live again freely
with sadness in your eyes and the
most fragile mind i have experienced
of course you fly away
the remnants of your story just
pieces to the puzzle you wished were
missing lost in the woodwork

Options whirling as the past creeps upward
All the heavy desires and life long infatuations
exhausted the present's daunting boundaries.
To drive in this tornado, I could surely find the answer to
alter perceptions: a bottle of this, or that, a conversation
my mind disappears in. An alternate
reality that doesn't reside here, a reminder that
disease exists, the slab of stone this dream
is standing on, right beside the pedestals we
only kept each other on. The lonely words of gratitude
spreading smiles across our faces, pushing past platonic.

It's pulsing through my veins, fearing excitement is
about to turn to hesitation when my lips begin
to touch yours. Crumbling in the arena before we
get the chance to dance behind closed doors.
The lights begin to dim, flickering with rage.
Last but not least, please tell me one more time
of the thoughts you hear. Will you be defeated with
me?

you sit in a daze filtered with street lights
At eyes length and ears depth
You wonder how you got to be
The ******* the second floor balcony
Chainsmoking as if you heart would flatline,
Your blood stop flowing
Through your veins that
The tiniest bit of alcohol was seeping through
To the skin that only sometimes felt comfortable
If you stopped

Only comfortable
When someone else was admiring it
And the shadows that dance behind you
Are the shadows that you wished you were
In your eyes, when anyone says I love you
Clinging to it
Believing that at the end of the day
That they won't stay
Whirring sounds of cars pass by
Thoughts become softer, the world becomes louder
You're not quite sure what you adore more
The silencing of your being
Or the loudness of your heart
As every chore you do is reciprocated
In ways you prefer to love
And be loved.

And be loved.
To be loved, to be loved.
What a sight I imagine as my children grow
To see the life I sought
With homemade cookies
And scrambled eggs for dinner
With snapdragons and lillies blooming
As rain water collects by the play set
Outside in the plethora of greatness

To sit on a second floor balcony and consider
The life that brought you here
With too many cigarettes
And enough bad decisions to
Create the life you always dreamed
Wouldn't be your own
Stuck between what could be
And what is

Underneath the rubble
Long forgotten worms
Squirm above, below
above again
Searching for decaying
Fruits to consume
Recreating the beauty
Existing prior to the
Earthquakes

my fingertips travel grounds untouched
Mountains known, thrashing through the skies
my eyes wander to the sights on every magazine
Little hideaways, masked within the archives

i strip the body in the mirror
Foreign attractions, morphing to native

my feet rooted over the dust
Crumbling statues, melting closer
my ears absorb the language of the wind
Ethnic songs, no one performing for me

i pare the mind healing me
Former homes, vanishing to nothingness

my palms press stained glass windows
Spiritual structures, exhaling grace
my hips wave through existentialism
Rejuvenating air, blanketing energy over me