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  May 2015 Colleen Harrington
Perri
The only way I know how to describe depression
to people who don't understand what it is like,
is by telling them

"Imagine,
you had this awful ache
inside of your soul.
It embeds itself so deep,
like the darkest, most painful bruise you ever received,
but it has attached itself like a leech, to your soul.
It is a part of you,
constantly throbbing,
which makes other parts of your body hurt.
As the throbbing in you soul continues,
it branches off into your head, where it grows like a ****.
Your brain starts to throb to the point where you can almost feel it
becoming too large for your skull to contain.
You almost want to do unthinkable things,
to release all the pressure in your head.
The throbbing continues into all your muscles.
Every move is painful and draining.
You go about your life, into the world as a normal person
putting on a facade,
when really,
you can't even fathom how you are taking every step and every breath.
You are just one big ball of throbbing energy.
Now imagine feeling that everyday."

That is the only way I can describe it.
There’s days when my mind
can’t seem to stop
all these racing thoughts
the thoughts of us
the thoughts of my past
any thought that comes to be
it just never seems to stop
even after all everything I do
all these racing thoughts
just never ever seem to stop
And here is this rabbit hole
light easy and free
nothing there’s a daul.
I would like to fall.

deep down taking the fall
everything is so calm
so calm and dark,
like the color of my shirt
nothing here hurts.
I thought we were simple,
and I thought we were capable.
I thought we could work,
but I feel like a ****.
I thought I could be,
that girl you would marry.
Now, here, I don’t even want to be.
I don’t want to be the one
holding your hand
and saying it’s okay.
I’d rather fight my demons
on my own
in my solitude.
I’m not trying to play the victim.
I’m trying to help my situation.
I’m trying to help myself.
I’m trying to be the best I can.
I’m not trying to play the victim.
I’m trying to find solace in silence.
I’m trying to find a place where it’s ok.
I’m trying to find a place where I’m ok.
I’m not trying to be the victim.
I can’t say I see the future
but I know today is brighter
because I’ve become a fighter
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