Why should not
A  man

Experience

Briney beauty

Of emotional
Release

Even though I've held it before,
the gun felt heavier
And even though it was still cold,
the handle felt warmer than usual
As if it knew what was going to happen
and didn't like it

I placed the barrel to my head
And took a deep breath
As two thoughts came to me
There's no reason to hope..
Nothing will change..

i am not the kind of sick
that leaves the body flushed
at 104 degrees
in the middle of the winter.

                                                               ­                  i am not the kind of sick
                                                            ­                         that causes every breath
                                                          ­          to force
                                                           ­         its way

                                                               ­    back up

                                                             yo­ur throat
                                                          ­             while dragging razor blades
along the inside of your neck.

                       i am not even the kind of sick
                       that comes with a vaccination
                                  or an antibiotic
                            that will chase it away.
no.
                                                                ­                          i am the kind of sick
that leaves you locked in
the bathroom during class
because you can't seem to stop the
             flow of tears
                       running
                               down
                                     your face.

i am the kind of sick
that leaves your hands
sweating
and your voice
shaking
when it's your turn to order dinner
at the diner you've been to
a thousand times.
                                            
                                             i am the kind of sick
                                         that leaves you feeling

l o n e l y
                                              in a crowded room
                                           filled with the people you've
                                           known your whole life.

i am the kind of sick                                                                  ­                                that nobody sees
                                        because it's all in my head
                                      and cannot be cured.

I was lost
Felt like a *** of paper
Tossed to the side
To unimportant to be picked up
I've never felt so low
I was broken
Like fire fly
Who's **** didn't glow
Maybe I should buy a gun
And scattered this wicked thoughts in my brain
But I've never been the one
To hurt myself
By my own hands
I couldn't slit my own wrist
Or even punch myself
With my fist
Even if I ever did contemplated suicide
I couldn't commit

I saw you gasping
Thrashing

Mouth gaped open
Pearly white teeth

Laughter gone
Misery glued to your face

Dying
Sinking

Blue eyes
Blood shot red

Inches from death
Hero, I am not one

The savior is dead
Threw you a life jacket instead

Saved your life
Except, I'm the one drowning

A Saturday night, I'm all alone
But I don't mind being on my own
I listen to the music I love and
My wife is out visiting her mother

I sit and drink, listen to The Fall
No, it's not a bad night at all
But some parasites are​ on my back
They would love it if I cracked

The dealers text, the dealers phone
I wish they'd leave me the **** alone
Like a shark can taste blood in the water
They think I'm a lamb easily led to slaughter

But they are wrong, I can be strong
I'll ignore be their advances all night long
I turn up the music, pour another drink
Yes, I'm stronger than they think

Tonight I may end up a drunken mess
But I know I will have passed a test

Have you ever wondered if this world is the actual
hell we live in and if we are being tested
by how well we deal?
We are living in a place where pain, suffering,
and then ultimately death are of everyday existence
I understand that perception is everything here
and this world is an illusion generated by our perception
I am not trying to be a downer but the more I live
in this world the more I see it as a nightmare
that some days I just want to wake up from

This is not coming from my religious beliefs and I am
not saying that I am not grateful for everything I do have
Compared to a lot of other people in this world I do not
have it so bad and I know this.  This is coming from
a thought process I have been trying to come to terms with

Is there a bright light at the end of this very dark tunnel?
Of course we all have different journey's to take to get us
to that tunnel but while we are here our paths do cross from
time to time and we all have some of the same pains
sufferings and even death to overcome

My point is this...
We are all living in this hell together
Let's get through this hell together
This thought has become a shining
Ray of light in this dark
Find some comfort in this
and
Perhaps there is hope for us all