step 1: de·ni·al
noun
the action of declaring something to be untrue.
i thought about sending you an email today.
i got through four drafts before i quit.
i haven't talked to you in three months. i haven't deleted your messages in three months. i haven't stopped thinking about you in three months. my heart is still synced with yours. it stopped beating 131,487 minutes ago. please leave a message after the beep.

step 2: an·ger
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
i'm glad you're gone. you were a house but you were never a home for me. i've moved three times since i left.
you shoved your fingers down my throat and left me retching in the snow, excuses tripping on their way out of your cherry bitten lips.
you made me your slaughterhouse, blood on my hands and heart.
i am made of too many things, a conglomeration the size of a galaxy, thirty people sewn into my skin. there is a hole in my chest the size of your fist. please leave a message after the beep.

step 3: bar·gain
verb
negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction.
(maybe if i had loved you a little less you would have learned to love me back)

step 4: de·pres·sion
noun
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
i spent more time thinking about you than i ever did about myself. i'm not sure if this is selfish or selfless and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i hung up on you once and you didn't speak to me for a week and i'm not sure if this is love or hatred and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i haven't spoken to you in seven months. please leave a message after the beep.

step 5: ac·cept·ance
noun
agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.**
you told me that acceptance was the same as tolerance.
i don't think i believe you.
i haven't spoken to you in twelve months.
please leave a message after the beep.

A feeling of acceptance.  
Within these  four white walls.
Within this house.
Within this open air prison.
Rebellious.
Bound by night and day.
A slave of time.
Destined to follow the rules of nature.
Following the rules of space.
Rules that you can't break.
I abide against my will.
Rebellious.
Within the parameters of this atmosphere.
Within this solar system.
Within space and the infinite possibilities of what lies beyond.
Within infinity itself.
Am I, unimaginably small and
insignificant on a cosmic scale.
Yet within these white walls
I am rebellious.

Angels don't cry for me
Shadow light sprinkle lightly on my head don't you see. .

Sparkles lightening in the sky
Dying grey day envelopes the way
Where hearts surges to follow the silence of art
with wind beneath your wings
I beg you not to cry ...

Having taken the journey
from dark to light
became the beginning of the end
discovering my own source
hence the reason to look within ...

Soft wind prayers surrounding the hearts
That fluffs like the peaks
Of the valley alms that leeks
Where random fathoms live so well
High on the hills that ring their bell
In a gentle sweet sound
Finally To be found. ....

Angels Don't Cry for me....*

Debbie Brooks 2014

Pearls of wisdom
from the heart
When you leave me
when we part

Like a bird my spirit flies
to be beside you, there it dies

a thousand deaths
in hell to burn
'til you return

“I messed up.”
I only wish it didn’t
take you this long
to realize.
“Can we talk?”
My whole body aches,
yearning to say yes.
“Are you there?”
Yes, I am here.
“Please answer.”
I surely don’t think
I have that strength.
“I still love you.”
My heart beats,
my stomach churns.
“You were the best
thing that ever
happened to me.”
Funny,
I used to think the same
about you.
“Why aren't you answering?”
“Because for 7 months;
I waited.
You tore me apart,
it felt like I was drowning.
You didn't even look back.
Not once.
How can I just forget that?”
I hit send.
“I’m sorry…”
“I’m sorry too.”*
Except this time,
I don’t hit send.

My silver lining's changed to jet.
Developed wings and flew away.
The cloud's filled up with tangerine,
A scent of orange fragrant rain.
I hate oranges, unless of course they're Christmas time satsumas.
My eyes sobbed aquamarine tears,
Never a boring shade of blue.
My heart became a tennis ball after playing many games.
And did those feet walk upon England's green and pleasant land.
Like hell they did.
These feet danced on the hilltops, if the mood was right.
Paddled in river's and slipped on stepping stones.
They fell,
Fell in love.
Got picked up by the lover.
The one who surrendered to my love without even trying.
My feelings for him fell into the stream,
together our smiles are dying.
Now she's the one.
Who's sometimes still crying.
Not as much anymore.
All done and dusted.
Two ice cubes drifting away down the river of dreams.
(C) Livvi