I met her when her hair was black,
Mine was covered with a cap,
As I grew,
We knew each other,
My hair has been many colors,
And now,
While she approaches night,
Still pulled back,
Her hair is now white,
The thought of her loss,
Makes me afraid,
My eyes wet,
and premature gray
BLCostello©2023

Ours is something
To be explained away;
I love you
But– I think to myself.
I love you
But– there will be a day I do not.
I love you
But– I do not know what love means.
I love you
But–

You gifted me a vase
Rose, iris, baby’s breath, chrysanthemum
In purples and pinks and whites
They wither quickly
Alongside the spider webs in my closet,
They crack and brown
Buried in the darkness of thick winter blankets,
Hidden within the folds
Of that green dress I wore
They rot.

I stay awake until
The old clock ticks in silence,
Sound bouncing off empty corners and into the abyss,
I unsheathe the vase from my closet and hold it up
To the yellow-orange ceiling light,
Blinds drawn tightly,
Damage control;
“Live, please, live. Just a little longer.”
I press my nose into it,
And baby’s breath becomes hemlock,
Iris into nightshade,
Chrysanthemums now oleander,
And the roses–
Stay roses,

I press my nose into it,
Tears replenish dried water,
Feeding the poison,
Dying, slowly, in darkness.

I love you
But– this cannot be love.
I love you
But– I have not sacrificed,
Have not pained or labored or suffered,
I love you
But– If this is love
Then what have I known?

Ours was something
Of swimming pools and summer air,
White boy indie guitar,
Art museums and coffee,
Flowers, book stores, paint drops on your cheek,
It was leather car seats and upstairs lofts,
The frantic finding of fabric
As doors creaked open.

I bury my face into purple roses,
I swear they smell of you,
“I love you, I love you, I love you,”
A million times,
“I love you, I love you, I love you,”
Until the words melt
Into a meaningless sludge,
No one to hear them,
Sound bouncing off empty corners and into the abyss,
I love you
And–
I am leaving you.

I feel that my presence as a human
isn’t needed much.
I don’t contribute much to life.
I’m slow at making lunch.
I’m not a big help ‘round the house.
I don’t make much money,
and I’m surely not an ideal spouse.

What is my purpose?
Bringing people joy?
That’s about all I offer.
I am just a toy.

I’m creative, but does it matter?

I’m athletic, but does it matter?

I’m resilient, but does it matter?

My presence on earth won’t last forever.

I’ll just become dirt again.
When I do,
then maybe I will matter.

Goodnight sweet taste
of yesterday of last night
and three months ago

Your allure lingers on
my fingertips as a dream
upon wake will fade

In memory throughout
the day light wonders
and with that becomes

Like a word one can not
think of when describing
a certain experience

To pass through this
timeline into next year
and be a forgotten name

Which was never known
to begin with so goodnight
and farewell, I say

Thank you for what
it was and now I turn
to something of present

To take my attention
further away and will not
forget about what fits

cut me open,
or just wait patiently while I sluff of all the important bits
of myself.
self depreciative
eventually I always fall
all the way apart
and surrounded
by those who took my heart
things often go missing.
My family is comprised of so many things
But for the sake of these themes
I can  call them all thieves.

I'm nothing but the fading shadow
of who I was before
nothing but the fleading sounds
beating echoes
soft crasindoes
of wave on crashing shore

I used to fight the monsters inside men
I held my fist to
addictions caged in forgotten shells
that called themselves men
that called themselves urges
that called themselves
uncles,
sons,
sorry,
called themselves friends
called themselves
more names than
anyone could occupy in honesty all at once
all i saw was
an angry vacancy,
full of nothing
hiding in everything.

except for the children i hid behind me,
there light
showing me
always where I ought go.
always where I ought next step ,
nothing big enough to run from
big enough to fall to
with them behind me.

columns standing my heart up like a fold up tent,
the only tangible connection to
goodness,
to godliness,
to hope in my chest
to love
they were all the loveliness
I have ever possessed.

without them, I fear
simply the ever growing darkness,
the expanse in my chest,
this lost alone feeling,
of not knowing
where I ought step.

I only fear I will forget,
that the things I held so tight to  
can actually exist.

I am not but a ship awaiting the wreck
my lighthouses
all
extinguished

Did you hear that distant murmur of imagination?

The door is open wide to make all the dreams you can possibly dream, a reality

This mustn’t be of surprise because every time you set your mind on a goal it eventually becomes part of the present

Apply your wildest hopes to the checklist and start moving toward those, you shall find them easier to attain than you once thought

Truly it is all within your grasp and the only barrier is of ruminating upon fear

Let there be no distance between you and your imagination

Allow yourself utter freedom to find joy and create space for making it all happen

Now, right now… please

For through these moments
and all of this time

Was an instance of
releasing the control

Of looking for sincerity
in spontaneity to be real

To seek instead a way
of being that just flows

And in doing so giving
trust to the surroundings

With hands and heart held
open to whatever happens

So that there is no worry
no contemplation, no undoing

Instead what is found is
simply grace and easiness

Then the calm rushed in
so silently yet instantaneously

With sweet dreams of the
sunshine tomorrow brings

It isn't the quality of the words that measure truth
it's the men we all see with such clear eyes
Two brothers trapped in a pitched battle
echoes of their roots displayed in a contest of wills
two brothers follow the same dream
two brothers dance the same songs
We can never stop being who we are
we can grow thriving under a perfect sun
but our roots forever spread from the single source
our birthplace and home
Two brothers trapped in a pitched battle
find peace at last in each others truth
we are the same inside the dream
we are fellow travelers
whose nature it is to find hope and love
in the cloudiest of days

The silence has become deafening
Encased
Submurged
Surrounded
By the silence
The chaos is not ceasing or changing its course
Destined to whirl around me
Twisting and pulling me in ways i could never explain
Pushing and pushing
And pushing
Until i cant hold myself anymore
My stregnth has shattered
Within the silence
Into a thousand tiny pieces i lay strewn on the floor

I miss you
Not just in the physical sense
In every sense of the word

Your unique way of doing things, its like watching a symphony of noise
You're either in complete harmony with it
Or consistently fighting against it

Your laugh
Oh your laugh
It fills my whole body with warmth
A sound I crave to hear

The smell of the top of your head, comforts me
Like a mothers embrace, I know I am safe

Day to day living never felt less mundane
Always helping wherever we felt we could
Exploring, guiding each other
Always finding refuge in one another

Life is not the same without you
Never will be without you
The emptiness, at times consumes me
Swallowing me whole
The crator you've left within me
Can only be filled by you

I hope
I have to hope