~

On the waves of a dream,
I lay waiting on shore,
a cold beach this night
beneath a burdened moon
crying stardust


I sink slowly
into the wet sand…
pleading with the waters
for answers to shamed questions,
while counting the shades of violet
framing a weeping sky


Thoughts flow like the tides
on an endless journey,
weaving contours and
bends deep within
this sorrow that washes
over me


I watch as these waves slip away,
carrying hopes still lingering
and exposing the loss I feel
fiercely crashing
before my eyes,
in opaque foam


I can barely move,
my body is still,
my breath salted and tethered,
as I reach
for shadows of my memories,
only to find them…


whispering goodbye
*on the breeze

Death strap
Hanging at the gallows
I feel like I'm in a death trap
Waiting for ghostly hallows

Brushing at my skin
Claustrophobia sets in
Always choking me
I just wanna be free

When I have to wear it
I wanna tear it
I throw a fit
This is bullsh*t

I always feel welted
Each time leaving a new scar
Every time I'm seat belted
Into this car

Trekking down the road
I'm giving up hope
Failing under this load
At the end of my rope

Heading towards a way out
I just want to shout
As cars whizz by
I just wanna die

Come such a long way
With such a long way left
I am feeling bereft
Stripped of my senses

This long awaited heat
Now a curse as I sweat
Stopping to rest my feet
I begin to fret

A fresh cut, a new mar
Soon just another scar
One more to add to the collection
Every time I look in the mirror

Yet I still seek my reflection
A fresh cut, a new mar
I can't help but keep collectin

The sort of cuts I make
Could make minds break
And still I seek my rejection

I don't know how much I can take
My mind it's strong
But everywhere
There's another mirror

There's no escape
When the blades
Are my own eyes

Staring with their haunted cast
At a shadow cloaked in lies

These scars are ugly welts
I stare at shamefully
But the cuts need to be made
For I hate what's become of me

Some guys will leave lip prints on your body that will fade away, but will leave cuts in your heart that will last forever.

Wonder why I'm here
Am I here again?
Why can't I leave,
Just like the wind?

The steel blade makes a ****,
A deep slash.
Blood pours down the drain.
Am I pretty now?


I cover who I truly am.
I hide myself from the world.
I ask you...
Am I pretty now?


I have had my fair share of battle scars.
Heard words that stung like bees.
Each time we hear those words, we ask ourselves:
Is it true? What did I do?


You make us weak.
You break us down.
You make us think:
Am I really ugly now?


Look around,
Take a good look.
We hide from the world,
Because of your words.


You make us feel unwanted!
Like a disease that can be contracted!
What gave YOU the right,
To make us feel like this?


I never understood why,
People talk like this.
Have they got no heart?
Have the got no soul?





What makes them feel,
Like this is all right?
To make others suffer,
With no friends in sight?


What gives them the right,
To make fun of us?
They don’t know us.
They don’t know what we have been through.


The worst part is,
After you realize you’ve pushed too far.
They are gone,
And they are not coming back.


You mourn for their loss,
But why bother at all?
You are the one,
Who caused it all.


They might have grown up to be brilliant,
But they can’t.
They were robbed of that chance,
As soon as the first word left your mouth.


There is one word that describes you perfectly.
BULLY!
Your ruined their chances,
At a thing we call life.


It’s your fault.
They never did anything.
Why them?
What made you choose them?


It’s really disgusting.
What you did.
You know that,
Right?





How do you feel?
Proud? Happy? Accomplished?
Or do you feel ashamed?
Think about it.


YOU JUST MADE SOMEBODY
END THEIR OWN LIFE!


It’s all your fault they are gone.
So think to yourself,
‘What Have I done?’


I ask you...
Am I pretty now?

it tastes like bile in the back of your throat
feels like tears stinging behind your eyes
like a migraine just beginning
like a high pitched whine at the highest volume

it seeps into things unrelated
tinting your favorite colors
flavoring your favorite foods
putting white noise in all your favorite songs

it leaks onto your friendships
staining arms after hugs
leaving laughs polluted
reflecting in eyes that’d trust you with anything

it screams at it wins
the sound one of terrifying joy
“burn!” it commands
but you are made of stone and mortar

it fills your chest with unease
your fingertips with trembles
your mind with final conclusions
your lips with lies that taste like sugar

“I don’t” but you don’t mean that
“I don’t want” but you do
“I can’t” but you can
“I won’t” but you will.

Lonely silence is the loudest silence of all
You always notice it
It's in the air around you
And inside of you too
And when you get home
After locking the door
The silence is louder
You set your keys down on the table
Goto a fridge full of food, but there's nothing to eat to make this lonely silence go away
You go up stairs to your bedroom
To a neatly made bed and books scattered among the floor
You take off your jacket and clothes
Then leap into the shower
You can still feel the silence
And it's weighing you down
You slide down to your knees wearing a frown
You want to cry but sit there till the water runs cold
Then slip out and put on a night gown
You lie in bed thinking this boring life never gets better and will I ever get better? Will I still be lonely forever?
Then you close your eyes as billions of the same questions run around your mind just like every night
Then you fall asleep
After drinking your bottle of solution and downing all the gin you could take before finally dying
And now you've woken up from a dream you were hoping was real
Just like every night
*It's full of lonely silence

I hate this **** we call life
I wish I could give up
I wish I could cry
When I just want to die

I wish I knew what to do
I wish I had a clue
But I'm clueless
I'm the most clueless person out here
I don't know what to do

Do I cry or do I deny?
I deny everything
But I can't anymore

I'm growing up
I don't want to grow up
I'm not ready
And I didn't think I ever would be
That's why I tried to take my own life
That's only part of the reason
Everything else is what makes it worse
The pressure
The expectations
The stress
The everything
Becoming an adult
Everything
I'm scared
I'm tired of it
My time to be an adult is almost near
Why can't I be a kid again where I didn't remember or cared about these things?
Sometimes I feel numb or overwhelmed with it all
I just wanted it to end
Why can't you take me?
Why won't you let me die god?
I've tried to hang on, but I'm tired of hanging
Just take me
End my life and bring me to you
Why do you let us hurt when you could end our pain?
You know we hurt
And we'll seek solace in anything to make it better
Even death
I tried seeking solace in death time and time again
Why can't you let me die?
I'm not good for anything but taking up space and time
Why can't you
Please tell me why can't you

I read all of our old messages
They make a bitter smile come to my face
They make a bitter laugh come out my mouth
I am glad you at least told me the truth

However,
The truth you told me makes me feel worst
And for some reason it makes me smile

How does that make me smile?
It made me laugh too

I really must be as pitiful and as messed up as you said I was

And Ne'coe said it too

I still find it amusing

He had a girlfriend who was a harlot
And he was a church boy
She cheated on him loads of times
He knew it, but was blinded and deaf by his love for her

Mirruh,
I don't know much about you
Maybe that's one of the reasons why we weren't ever friends
Sometimes I catch myself regretting not being good enough for you
But you knew me well
You told me how you felt about me
It almost crushed my heart at the time
But I reread those messages and laugh at how I want to cry
How I want to make you feel what I felt that day
I'm still holding on to what was lost when it was never found
I sometimes catch myself being that same pitiful way
The way you told me I was
I hate myself even more now
I hate being this way
I keep holding on
I don't know how to let go
How do I let go what I still want?
I got one of the things I wanted
It was what I denied
That I was pitiful
And I am messed up
I got her and Ne'coe to admit it the hard way
I set myself up for it
I'm glad you said it
Cause now there's no way for me to deny it
Cause you admitted it too