a year lost
stolen
taken from me
and now
a year later
i'm still recovering....

i took a few brave steps
to drag myself out
of the hurricane in my head
i was so ruled by fear...
but i conquered it

and as a reward
a few months of bliss
emotions soared high
i could've done anything
on top of the world

but eventually i adjusted
stabilized
then started dropping off
going numb
feeling cold

i was convinced nothing mattered
haunted and plagued by the past
depression took root
everything was wrong
i'd flatlined

to pull myself back
towards reality
i've been searching
for pleasure, pain
anything

i'm reckless
i'm destructive
I just want to feel
Feel my pulse, my breath
Feel the bliss, the wounds
Everything. All of it.
I desperately seek a reminder
I'm trying to wake myself from this nightmare
Jar myself into reality
Because I keep finding myself questioning
If I'm even still alive...?

I’d like to spend some time
Away from reality
A little out of my mind
I’d like to lose it
Do something dumb
Inebriate myself
Dizzy and happy
Just for a bit
But so many rules
So many people
So many expectations
Reputations
Pull me away
From my much-needed break
I can see it
I can smell it
But I can’t taste it
I know it’s better this way
But I want to fall
I want to fall so far from here
So far from myself
I don’t want to feel
At least for a while
Please, let me lose it

I fear what I am becoming
What am I saying?
What am I doing?
Am I insane?

Where's my shame?
On the inside...
Where's my guilt?
Threatening to break lose...
Will I let it go?
Maybe...
What am I?
I don't know...

- Jay M
May 7th, 2019

I can feel my pulse in my head
Pounding, banging, aching
I just need a little time
A little longer
Away
From this reality

Like your heart beating faster
Mine is beating faster
I feel like there's something wrong
I feel like someone squeezing
My heart
Right now
I feel losing air.
What's going on

Approaching the day
Oh that day
Fate tempts
Yet I ignore it
Telling it
That was the past

Fear and excitement
This is something I can't escape from
No hiding
Pacing back and forth
Looking to the clock

Tick
       Tick
               Ticking

The days pass by
In the blink of an eye
Wait
I'm not ready
I'm not that strong
Not another year...

30....
Feeling my soul; so *****
Tainted
Dragging me down
To the depths of the unspeakable

1...
None, nothing
Inside I feel nothing
But everything all at once

2...
You raised me
Yet what do you know
Of my pain?

3...
A sea
Waves crashing down
Like everything I touch

4...
Knocking on the door
How could I do more?
I am in constant wonder

5...
Survive
That's all I have to do
Right?

6...
Fix
This
Mess

7...
Today is the day
Throw my life away
Or should I stay?

They sing
They dance
But they don't know

8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13...
14...

The day I planned
The day I longed for
Now fearing
Leering...

Plan ahead
Don't dread
It's all in your head
It's all in your head...

The past is the past
Don't cut the cord
It's not your place
To erase all you know

- Jay M
April 30, 2019

Why do I try?
Why do I carry on
When I can barely go on?
Every breath
Every footstep
Each is forced

Nights of restlessness
Only a few hours of rest
Of peace
Turned quickly away
Ushered back to reality.

- Jay M
May 6th, 2019

When the light turns
When dawn breaks
Illuminating this land
Unknown to the innocent
All too familiar to the ******

Some make themselves at home
Others run for their lives
While I perch
Overlooking the city
Filled with the dead

Here again
One of thousands
Miles apart
Yet never closer

I've lost so much
Yet almost nothing at all
Finding everything hard to bare
Yet taking it on in a heartbeat

It still exists
Though it shouldn't be
Not to me

Not supposed to be in pain
Not supposed to be down the drain
Washed over and over by the filth
Toxic waste of the world around me

There I was
Here I am
And always will be

- Jay M
April 23rd, 2019

So much to say,
So few people to truly listen.

A labyrinth expands before me,
Its only prize, the truth; reality
Awaits the shrewd of mind.
At every turn lie misdirections,
One wrong choice and I am
Lost, for perils lie ahead;
Webs of lies lie waiting for their prey.
I pray for wisdom that I may not fall,
Misguided by a ghost I thought I saw;
My own illusions turn me from the light.
The path ahead is cobbled from the shadows,
Bits of truth among them shining gold,
The only light to guide my weary feet
As Darkness beckons me with gentle hands.
Temptation offers respite from my search:
“Sit down and rest, poor ragged
traveler, you search in vain
For worthless lies. I tell the truth;
One as beautiful as I is honest, sure.”
I pay no heed. The truth is rarely beautiful or pure.