Musings of Crazy People

Sep 2014

Ambivalence

"Mama, I can't sleep. There are monsters," I would say.
Mother shook her head and chuckled.
"Don't worry. It's all in your head, sweetie."
She tucked me in, kissed my forehead and laid beside me until I fell asleep.
I was four.

"Mama, I can't sleep. There are monsters," I would say.
Mother shook her head and sighed.
"There aren't any monsters. It's all in your head."
She tucked me in, kissed my forehead then went to bed.
I was ten.

"I can't sleep. There are monsters," I would say.
Mother would leave the room without saying a word.
I never saw her much after that.
I was fourteen.

"I can't sleep. There are monsters," I would say.
No one would listen.
"It's your head," the doctors would say.
Nurses gave me pills to help me fall asleep.
I was seventeen.

"I can't slee-" They wouldn't let me finish my sentence.
Nurses rushed in to strap me into the bed.
They injected something into my arm to make me fall asleep.
I never made it to eighteen.

<a.t>

Sep 2014

Riot

You win

Its horrible that you can look into my eyes
And lie
Its horrible that its so easy for you to say
Goodbye
And all I want is to be able
To cry
But I can't

Because I'm exactly the same
Inside

Sep 2014

Molly

Learning to Live With It

Should I be concerned about the state I'm in?
I'm not sure how bad it is,
honestly
I can't tell because
what used to be bad days are good days now
and I guess that's what people mean when they say
you'll learn how to live with it.
I think you just become one with your demons
and soon you're saying things you never thought you would
like maybe happiness isn't all everyone says it is,
maybe weakness is a kind of strength,
maybe I just won't get better and that'll be okay because
recovery
is a marathon, not a sprint
but some days I can't even bring myself to get out of bed
so that trek seems impossible.
I am getting used to the emptiness;
I hardly think about it now,
and by that I mean I always think about it so
it doesn't seem like a big deal anymore
and these days crying is a nonevent,
my eyes are bloodshot more often than they are clear,
and my friends have stopped asking how I'm doing.
I guess I seem pretty stable and
I guess that's accurate,
I'm pretty regularly in a state of numbness
manifesting itself in
tequila and
the word okay and
art that people choose not to see the underlying meaning in.
I have written a suicide note every day for the past six months
but I call it poetry
and that somehow makes it okay to say these things-
by putting my turmoil into stanzas
it becomes a metaphor rather than a cry for help and
nobody will take this one seriously, either,
nobody seems to be concerned about the state I'm in.
I am learning to live with it.

#suicide #sad #depression #recovery #relapse

Sep 2014

Francie Lynch

My Cavity (10W)

My dentist
Strongly recommended
A cardiologist
To fill
My cavity.

Sep 2014

Yellowflowersandtea

Erosion

I will love you so fiercely
that the sun's love shall never again feel the same
nor hold you hypnotized in its beauty.

I will drill my way
down
to your heart
though it may be a tedious task.

I will peel you
layer by layer by layer
until all that is left of you
are your organs and your soul.

But;

Once I too am inevitably consumed
eroded
by the tide of this ordinary life.

If I have not ******
the life
out of you
in an attempt to show you how strong my love is,

And if you happen to outrun this love of mine:

Play hopscotch
on my tombstone
and pour tea parties in the graveyard
in my memory.

I promise to attend.

#love #poem #sun #morbid #party #sea #tea #erosion #hypnotized #teaparty

Sep 2014

Shruti Atri

The Cosmic Conspiracy

The thorns that you were caught in,
The petals that you destroyed,
The leaves that fell, crumpled, lay on the ground.

But the sunlight still nurtures a new sap,
The air sustains it's nutrition,
Water still nourishes the bud that grows.

A new flower will blossom,
Just like the old, weathered or the destroyed;
The same fate sealed for all, through all of time:

One: To grow old, shrivel and die;
Two: To weather at their peak and rot;
Three: To be used as decor and be thrown away;

Can we call it a fate sealed with the option of three doors?
Are these the clutches of nature's cruelty?
Or is it that, 'such is life'?

--
She had resigned herself to ruthless fate.
For she'd been through all three doors;
And was convinced it's a conspiracy of the cosmos;

She had chosen door Three,
And she walked out with her pride.

She was asked to try door Two,
And was still alive when she crawled out.

Enraged, they shoved her through door One,
And found her still form was breathing--

Till merciless time silenced her for good.
--

Her black-blue bruises,
Her decaying soul and
Her wrinkles of experience are proof--

*An end will always come to what grows...

Is it death that scares us? Or is it life?
It ends, that's scary;
A guarantee of expiry without a date...

#life #death #abuse #time #nature #humanity #struggles #growth #rot #decay

Sep 2014

Epic Monkey

Drying Rivers

Nothing is more boring
than the sunset's beauty
abused in every painting
Nothing is more dying
than a river drying
under a sun of spring
Nothing is more deceiving
than a leap over the waterfall
if not on the water you fall
But land on your head instead
or on your *** on dessicated GRASS

Yet ...
You still swoon in the sunset
Float on drying rivers
Blindly trust a waterfall's onset
Addict yourself to HERBS

Then you see the sun at noon
Burning and colorless
Uglier than the moon
Blinding and emotionless
The river, straightforward
Promising and regretless
Washes your anxiety
until you swell with hypocrisy
and deceptive ambitions
You start craving to fly
You start aiming high
Surrender to sense-less decisions
Above bottomless cascades
Until you meet your doom
Far below in the shades
On grass that doesn't bloom

And so you swoon again in the sunset
Re-float on drying rivers
Blindly trust another waterfall's onset
Re-write your fate on dying herbs

You forgot to find bliss!
in warm days and cool waters
in waterfalls' grace and the flowers'
You only aim for more than this
To lift yourself from the abyss
That keeps digging deeper
with every drying river
and herbs that you will again miss

Until your wings can't fly enough
or someone embraces you with love

For every addict out there

#addiction #need #happiness #rivers #deception #substance

Sep 2014

Camellia-Japonica

Who am I?

Yes I laugh. Yes I smile.
But deep down I cry all the while.
Yes people like me. Yes, some love me.
But deep inside I want to shout go away.
Yes, I look sane (whatever that may be)
Yes, I look happy, not in pain.
But, happiness and pain share one thing, tears.
Tears of joy, tears of sadness. One and the same.
I cannot differentiate anymore.
Do you think some people are just born Eeyores? I do. I'm one.
If you always start low there's nowhere to fall.
So, who am I?
I'm a lie.

#depression #confusion

Sep 2014

Riot

you're the first to know

she hid under the scars on her skin
long sleeve summers, no one saw her walls cave in
her eyes aren't windows they are warnings
between you and her, there's a wall of what she want you to see
and you’re the first to know
she not alright
blinded by the sight of a perfect girl
the writings on the wall
are in her eyes
and everyday she hopes that you will find her in time

because she's
locked in

she's running out of time
running out of time

but she
hear's them

telling her she's done enough
but don't let her give up
because she

told you everything was alright
you let it go, knowing she's already in the devils sight
don't just let her drift away
say what you need to say and
find a way
cuz you're the first to see
her loving eyes
falling into a world of death and life
and you're the first to kiss
her hateful lips
right after the father who has left her in a ditch

because she's
broken

waiting for the day
that you let her
let it end

but you heart is
stolen

so you take the knife away and say
"i'll take the torture away from you baby
and all you gotta do is love me

we'll pick up the pieces in time
for you to be
with me as my loving bride"

and in her glowing eyes
that day
she said i'll stay
forever and always

and as they said all their " i do's"
she said i have a word or to
for you

"all the stars shined
brighter than the nights i had without you
though i'm still trying
i know by the end of time i'll have the pieces back
and i'll be able to say goodnight
without going back to those nights
without you

you were the first to know
i had a light
the love my father never gave was right there in your sight
and i'm the first to kiss
your loving lips
after all we've been through
i know we'll be the A team
in our time

*and this little light of mine
will shine

Sep 2014

Elizabeth Kelly

Seed

Funny how a small success
can make a large struggle
seem worthwhile.

The struggle pushes on your body
like the thousands of pounds of air pressure we endure every moment, adapted since birth when we were exposed to the atmosphere for the first time.

We've adapted so much. It feels like nothing at all.

And such is the struggle, a gradual acceptance,
until one accidental success -

a perfectly carved moment of zen designed to seal one crack in our exterior, to smooth an otherwise rough outline of the idea of your person.

One crack we didn't know was there until we look more closely.

And suddenly - we see - !

Are we made up of billions of cracks,
of shattered thoughts and ideas,
dreams and plans and places and bandaids over the wounds that never really healed?

Are we scarred beneath the flattened affect of the I'mFines and the Don'tWorries?

What a shock, then, when you finally discover the one smooth graft in your otherwise undetectably shattered self.

Oh! The elation!

One small, well-placed celebration
The seed of a new foundation

Can you declare a body unfit for inhabitance?
It's time for total renovation.