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 Apr 2014
Traveler
Blessed are the eyes of the poets
who see a deeper truth.
 Apr 2014
eunsung aka Silas
Hello me,

I'm you. I'm the older you after multiple suicide attempts, and lost in a haze of ***** and drugs.  I am also you who sought and searched for some meaning and belonging, only to find hypocrisy and pain.  But all that aside, I wanted to thank you for not giving up on life even though you wanted to.  Finally asking for help when you did, even though a part of you didn't care anymore.  Thank you for letting hope grow in you one day at a time.  Thank you for letting me love you, so I can love me today.  Life is pretty amazing today, and we would have missed out on this beautiful journey because we were so locked in our pain. Now, you and I can share our story of pain and suffering to help someone else.  We don't have to stay in a hopeless state of mind and body.  Thank you for having the courage to surrender and admit you couldn't do it alone anymore.  I love you very much.

Love,

I'm You
This is a reminder to myself that I am not alone, and a love letter to myself , to my friends, and strangers yet to be friends who are struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.
 Apr 2014
LJ Chaplin
Another drunken phone call at two AM,
Moonlight filters through the window
As I sob beneath the sheets,
A ghost of a boy,
A shell of a human,
Where there once was love,
There is only me,
A loneliness that's haunting,
Slowly I rise from the bed
Like an exorcism taking place,
The floorboards creak and groan,
The splintered cries of a heavy burden,
A heavy heart

You are somewhere I cannot fathom,
***** dripping from your lips
Like the tears rolling down your
Mascara stained cheeks.

The loneliness follows me around,
Down the stairs,
Into the front porch,
Out into the night.
It can take your place
If you let it be so,
And while I run beneath the street lights,
The transparent arms of loneliness hugging me
And dragging behind me,
I search frantically to find a place to clear my head,
To drown out the drunken slur of your voice,
The violent sobs and cursing that crackled
From the other end of the phone.

The loneliness listens to me when you're not there.
It comforts me when you are nowhere to be seen.
© L.J. Chaplin
 Apr 2014
Chalsey Wilder
Who am I?
What am I?
I am a girl who can't ever be defined by few words

How do you define something you have never come across?
How do you define what you have came across, but don't know how to describe correctly?
And you can only describe it in a few words
The words aren't enough
It's a part of what I am
But not who I am
How do I define myself so I can fix myself?

Everyone is a mystery to themselves
I know what I do or don't like and what my intentions are
I'm sure everyone else does

But who am I?
What is my essence?

I thought I defined myself before
But those are only words that could change at any moment

I am still those words
But
I think there's more to me than just those few words

Who am I I ask
I say *I am myself
I'm still confused about who I am. I haven't found me yet.
 Apr 2014
Chalsey Wilder
It's gotten worse

I feel like I literally can't breath
My heart feels like it's trying to come out of my chest
I try to move, but every time I try to move it pulls on my heart strings in a bad way
Every time I try to breathe my heart feels like it's closer to escaping me and pushes at my ribcage violently
And it feels like someone is pressing down on my chest
Making the feeling worse

I've tried waking up
I've tried screaming
I've tried moving
But it hurts to even try to do anything
I can't fight
I can't move
I cannot do anything

Am I so messed up that I even get tortured in my sleep?

I haven't slept good enough in a while
These last for hours of the night

It feels like they're trying to **** me in my dreams
These nightmares
I'm always close to dying in them
I'm frozen in it
Never able to get out until I'm almost dead
And when it ends
I get back to my normal dreams
*Which I think is better
My normal dreams are random and weird. Sometimes I don't remember them.
 Apr 2014
Chalsey Wilder
"I can't take it anymore" I said
"I hear the voices, I hear them scream"
"What voices?" he said
"There aren't any voices. Only you and I are here."
I look up
"The voices are too much for me." I said

Next thing I know I'm in an asylum
"What are the voices saying?" they ask
"They're saying everything." I whisper
Then they scream and I fall to my knees and scream with them
The screaming voices are my silent screams
If you read my other poem called Silent screams you might get this a bit more. Or maybe not.
It just came out this way
 Apr 2014
Chalsey Wilder
I hate this **** we call life
I wish I could give up
I wish I could cry
When I just want to die

I wish I knew what to do
I wish I had a clue
But I'm clueless
I'm the most clueless person out here
I don't know what to do

Do I cry or do I deny?
I deny everything
But I can't anymore

I'm growing up
I don't want to grow up
I'm not ready
And I didn't think I ever would be
That's why I tried to take my own life
That's only part of the reason
Everything else is what makes it worse
The pressure
The expectations
The stress
The everything
Becoming an adult
Everything
I'm scared
I'm tired of it
My time to be an adult is almost near
Why can't I be a kid again where I didn't remember or cared about these things?
Sometimes I feel numb or overwhelmed with it all
I just wanted it to end
Why can't you take me?
Why won't you let me die god?
I've tried to hang on, but I'm tired of hanging
Just take me
End my life and bring me to you
Why do you let us hurt when you could end our pain?
You know we hurt
And we'll seek solace in anything to make it better
Even death
I tried seeking solace in death time and time again
Why can't you let me die?
I'm not good for anything but taking up space and time
Why can't you
Please tell me why can't you
I still hate living
 Apr 2014
Chalsey Wilder
I find you so scary and amusing
I'm scared to experience you
And I find how amusing it is that people are controlled by you
I'm scared of falling for someone
Someone who's going to break my heart to pieces
I'm scared of hurting more than I already do
You're amusing
Cause I don't think you can touch me
And if you do I can escape easily
I know it's not true
That you can't touch me and I can run away from you without you catching up to me or coming back
I'm not clever nor cunning enough to do that
I never want you to touch me
That's maybe why I hate being touched and touching other people
Or feel you
But I will

You're scary and amusing
So light and heavy
And you help fix and break hearts
People who use you breaks hearts
People who are broken sometimes get fixed by you
Saved by you
I find you scary and amusing
*And for a good reason too
I find love so scary and funny
 Apr 2014
Chalsey Wilder
Slash my heart
And hope to die
I pray to god
My soul you keep
Keep it safe
Keep it locked away inside your heart

I pray to the souls that know me to be happy without me
Do not mourn my death
You'll be with me yet
I may not die now
But my time will come
Naturally or by choice
*I pray to god my soul you keep
 Apr 2014
Chalsey Wilder
I read all of our old messages
They make a bitter smile come to my face
They make a bitter laugh come out my mouth
I am glad you at least told me the truth

However,
The truth you told me makes me feel worst
And for some reason it makes me smile

How does that make me smile?
It made me laugh too

I really must be as pitiful and as messed up as you said I was

And Ne'coe said it too

I still find it amusing

He had a girlfriend who was a harlot
And he was a church boy
She cheated on him loads of times
He knew it, but was blinded and deaf by his love for her

Mirruh,
I don't know much about you
Maybe that's one of the reasons why we weren't ever friends
Sometimes I catch myself regretting not being good enough for you
But you knew me well
You told me how you felt about me
It almost crushed my heart at the time
But I reread those messages and laugh at how I want to cry
How I want to make you feel what I felt that day
I'm still holding on to what was lost when it was never found
I sometimes catch myself being that same pitiful way
The way you told me I was
I hate myself even more now
I hate being this way
I keep holding on
I don't know how to let go
How do I let go what I still want?
I got one of the things I wanted
It was what I denied
That I was pitiful
And I am messed up
I got her and Ne'coe to admit it the hard way
I set myself up for it
I'm glad you said it
Cause now there's no way for me to deny it
Cause you admitted it too
Her real name isn't mirruh but that's what we called her. Her real name is chyna. Ne'coe's girlfriend did cheat on him. But I can't personally say she's a harlot (she cheated on him a lot), but he loves her. I'm still trying to let go. And the funny thing is I guess I did want them to admit it, that I'm pitiful and broken. And they did. And I hate that I did that to them. Sometimes I wish we were friends again, but other times I don't. But now that I have found out I did want them to I will have to deal with it.
 Apr 2014
Poetic T
She hides in the dark places
where people will not see,
for she is of the night, a lover
of the darkness but she wishes
to be free.

Wanting to feel it, to touch
what she can see, to glaze
her skin. But to those of the
night the light is not there
companion, it is their demon
that burns them in the light.

Skin a flame when the sun
caresses there naked flesh,
but the craving to be one
with the life giver is to much,
as to those of the darkness it
is the highest of sins.

She wants to feel the warmth,
to feel the caress of heat as it
touches her skin, to feel mortal
not of darkness where no heart
beats within.

Walking in to the light to feel
the heat burn within, the ecstasy
of the sun as it burns the flesh,
but at the last moment a heart
beat felt within. Joy for a moment
as life is felt then to ash she falls,
her darkness burnt away from within.
ashes to ashes dust to dust....
 Apr 2014
Dreypa
A man once told me
Watch for snakes
Keep your friends close
Because your friends relate
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