I could make the most amazing thing in the world
And not know it
Not let anyone see it cause I think it's terrible
I could be very beautiful
But I hate my face as well as my weight and body
I could be anything I wanted
But I think I'll fail at everything so I never try
I could be a lot of things
But I am one thing
A writer and a poet
And if you don't mind me by asking,
What could you be?

I'd rather be rude by staying silent
Than be rude by saying something

I'd rather be rude by telling the truth
Than to be rude by telling lies

I'd rather be rude by not giving you a hug
Than to be rude by punching you in the face

I'd rather be rude by cutting conversations with you
Than to be rude by telling what I really feel about you

I'd rather give out tight politeness
Than to be loosely rude

I'd rather be this,
don't you agree uncle?

Being alone and being lonely are two different things
Feeling alone or feeling lonely are two different things too
Alone, meaning no one is around
Feeling alone means there's people all around, but in you mind, heart, and soul you're all alone inside
Lonely, meaning you're single and searching
Feeling lonely means you're always alone, no matter the place or people

Alone
Or
Lonely?

I am both

I feel alone and I am alone
I feel lonely and I am lonely
My soul is cold and empty
But my body is warm and full
My body is heavy
And my spirit heavier
My mind the storm and my heart the war

Will it ever end?

The overcrowding loneliness and the loud silence that comes with it
Or the feeling that I'm alone

I cry
I mourn
But what am I crying for?
What am I mourning?
Am I crying for death to take me?
So that he can warm my soul and unburden my spirit?

Am I mourning the life I'm living?
Am I mourning the future I think I'll have?
Am I mourning that death doesn't want me, or that he doesn't love me the way I love him?
Am I crying and mourning the deep thirst I have for him?

I think I am
And I'm not sure if I'll ever get over him, or stop wanting him
He was my only solace except writing
He was the only thing I thought I could control
But I don't
He controls it
He decides whether to push me away or to bring me closer

This burden I carry
It breaks me a little each time I feel I should die
Why haven't I died? I think
I should be dead. Someone else who deserves to live should have the rest of my years.
I always think this
Then I think of others
The pain ebbs, but still flows much more greatly later, when I'm thinking too much, feeling too much
Am I alone or lonely?
I think I'm both
And as I said in one of my last poems: Am I trash or golden?
I'm not sure
Am I trash because I'm too broken, or am I golden because I'm broken in a beautiful way?

Trust
"Trust in me" they say
"I would never hurt you" they say
Truth is
You can never trust them
Trust no one
Not even yourself
They say "sometimes you hurt yourself more than others do"
I think they're right
Cause you always risk yourself when you trust someone
So you hurt yourself just as much as they hurt you
So trust no one
Not even yourself
Cause you're part of the reason that you got hurt
*they are the reason too

All these whispered thoughts inside my head
They hate me
I hate me
I'm fat
I'm shy, awkward, and quiet
I'm not beautiful either
Not like other girls
I'm different
I'm weird
I'll never be loved by any guy, even if I loved him
None of my dreams would seem to come true
I won't be the writer I want to be
I won't get married and have kids like I want to
And I'll go out like Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, but without my Romeo because he won't exist
Or I might drown my sorrows in my own blood and wine
Red wine
The blood of wines
I'll drink it down till I don't feel anything anymore, but warm tingles and numbness
I might fill up the bath and grab something to end my pain
But even that is a dream
And it won't come true
None of them do
I've seen better people fail
I'm no better
At least I don't believe I am
*This is what I think of me...

"Say something
As I say nothing but useless ramblings
Say something
As I stare at a painting
Say something that will let you in
Say something
Before my heart goes on lockdown
Say nothing
Say something
Before I decide to close up on you
Don't say it
What you're thinking of
Don't say that either
Don't ask what you're gonna ask
Cause it's too late to say it,
to ask it
It's over now
There's no chance
There's no fixing it now
Just leave me and my friends alone
You never cared
You were just someone who I put up with really."
That's what she said
The person who I thought was my friend