You only wanted a taste of my brown sugar skin, to kiss my lips that are made from all my sins, you never wanted to dance with me, only wanted to **** the sweetness straight from my veins, your tongue was quick, painted me a new horizon, made me feel like my brown skinned body was worth something to you, until you stopped, until I wasn't worth something to you, you've ****** the sweetness from me, my heart no longer beats like a drum, I lost myself inside of your watercolor eyes, I'm still trying to find my way out.

Falling*

                          That’s the sensation.

                                                     ­             You don’t feel the *pain
                                                          ­                            or hear a slowing heartbeat.

You see
lights,
pretty
little
fairy
lights.

You start to


remember


all of the

things
you
lost.
The
places
­ you
hid
and
how
to


escape.


You
want
it
to
just
                                                          ­ end.
Maybe
you’ll
finally
find
what
was
always
missing.
Maybe
you
won’t.
Maybe
you
will.
You
may
never
ever
know.




You have formed
a suicide pact
                                                            ­                          *for one.

You have to take care of yourself
Watch out
Don't go out alone at night
be afraid of every noise
but why are you so afraid
you don't need to be frightened
you're just weak
it's nothing

Would a voice in heaven
sound beautiful
and inviting
or serious,
constant
and still
maybe sounds of a harp
possibly playing atop
pristine
waters
or Pavarotti singing
up in the mountains
or would it be a moan,
with intention
and focus
maybe just a recording
over loud and annoying  
speakers
with instructions
and a schedule
maybe if I am lucky
I would hear
My father’s voice
telling me how great it is
but sounding nostalgic
and homesick  
a plea for his soft leather chair
wearing his hounds tooth hat
smoking his hand crafted pipe
if death could speak
what issues would it bring up
rehashing troubled times
would this voice
guarantee pearly gates
willing
It beckons me,
conflicted with temptation
when your soul knows
that this is
a voice not
from any place
but from
the best place
where Jesus takes us
to reach
for something
knowing doubts exist
that you would rise
to be with us again

July, 2013  (RIP Dad) In memory of C. Dan Piccolomini

Not all the poetry I've shared
is up to my current standards
some hurts to read
knowing I thought
that it was good enough to share
but I don't want to delete any of it
because if I delete who I used to be
how can I prove I've grown

I'm not here for small talk
I want to avoid the wave of
okays
and blank faces
I don't wish to drown in
meaningless conversations

How are you?
This isn't a surface level greeting
Dig deeper
How are you feeling?
Is your mind your enemy today?
Or your friend?
Or is there a disconnect, like an acquaintance?

How's the weather today?
I'm not talking outside
I can check that myself
but what is the weather in your head
Is it bland?
Is it nice?
Do you need protection?

Do you like this place?
This physical space
When you fully engage in the world
Do you like it?
What would you change?

What do you like to do?
How do you spend your time?
When the world is crashing down
What helps?

I'm not here for small talk
So don't get alarmed
When I try to get to know you

My mind is hurtin'
from the words that were said
I can see your body
still imprinted in your bed
memories gone by
thinkin' they are dead
45 years of a sinnin' life
and my veins have all been bled

I had three children
and he was the other one
the only  two men I'd ever love
turned out to be my only sons
I was a lovin' Mother
I was a lovin' wife
the only two things that
I got right
in this... God-forsaken life

Hey Heaven
won't you open up that pearly gate
I'm hoping there's still a chance for us
and you & I
can end this hate
No I ain't no Holy Roller
and I know that it's your thing
But every once in a while
you
might wanna...hear me sing

I sang to you darlin'
when you were just a boy
when everything in life
looked like another toy
I wrote down those lyrics
in a favorite ol' song book
so I hope you open it up tonight
and give our life,
a second look...

Hey Heaven
won't you open up those pearly gates
he's standing in the front
so tall at six foot eight
Oh, I ain't no Holy Roller
but I'm askin' of the king
if I can join the angels
when they come to you and sing

I'm tired of wasting
and our time is growing old
I got more to say dear
our stories should be told
was ready for the lake of fire
and hopin' for the land of gold

I'm raising voices
and I'm not the only one
you and I we share this sound
and it's been a real good run
sang country, blues and rockin' roll
hell...
it was a lotta' fun

I sang for my lovers
and  I sang for my friends
times so sweet that I recall
remindin' me of when
I'm askin' as I go,  
and I'd do it all again

Hey Heaven
won't you open up those pearly gates
I hope you're not closing
I hope I'm not coming late
No...I ain't no Holy Roller
but you know
I can't stop this thing
and every once in a while
I see you when you smile
and I know you  like...
to hear me sing


Cherie Nolan 2016

i love you
          i'm sorry
                    i don't know what i did