days will not pass
   nights always come
   too late
when you are not with me

the cloud that is not you
hangs over me like fog
   strangely transparent
my senses have grown blunt
for anything that is
   not as intense as us

but people smile at me
and I can talk and act
   it seems
quite normally
   they do not know
   that they are only speaking
   to a friendly shell

my real shadow
is holding yours
in our dreams
until we wake again
   and walk  
into each other’s arms

grief can be a temptation
and relief

you plunge into it
immerse yourself
dive to its depths
look at the world
as through a glass
darkly

you meet the others there
   who plunged before
you talk to them and feel
the water slowly rising in your body
and recognize that they
drowned years ago
and you have not

yet

the pain
of having to let you
go your way

after such loving days

pulls my face
   into a joyous smile
makes me speak
   words of reassurance
   crack jokes
   ostentatiously enjoy
      a Manhattan at lunch time
   and boisterously hug you
      au revoir

anything
   to overcome
      unshed tears
      the hardening lump in my chest
      the tightening knot in my stomach
      the cold fist that grips my neck
      tightens my throat
      makes my eyes dry
      with the knowledge
         you will not be
         by my side
         for weeks

              * *

grey times
roll over me
with their silencing howls

they close my mouth
cling to my thoughts
press me downward
where light is not

they love the dark
where one is like the other

no more difference

everything grey

gruesome

the words
we whisper to each other
   of love  of comfort
   longing  and desire
cross separating oceans
with the speed of light

your voice so close
that I can  
   almost  
feel your body next to me
and catch myself
not to give in
to the temptation
of touching air

      * *

Everyone wants me to get better.
Except for my own body.
My bones want to stay sore.
My brain doesn't want to stop.
My heart doesn't want to heal.

self pity
should I let you in
self pity
perhaps today I deserve you
wasn't today hard enough?
can't I wallow in sadness
and beg my friends for attention?

self pity
for now I'll keep you on arm-lenght
because I want you
but I like you
a little too much

I am a slave to myself,
My emotions dictate my ways.
Everything external feels illusive,
Though I know its not.
My carnality nudges me, ?correcting? my thought.
I have a shell shielding from the praise of peers, but im vulnerable to my inner critic.

Don't wait for the perfect time
That's possibly never going to come
Grab the ****,
Walk out the door,
Seize all the hours of the day
And get that one thing you've been praying for.

He likes pretty girls
And I don't quite fit




© Leigh Herondale  *June 2015