I hate when you talk about depression
"I use to have you know " You say with this ridiculous pride
hiding in your tone.
I bite my tounge. Soon I will either break you ore just
break everything around me.
It  hurts . No it angers me.
Depression is a life sentence
it´s not like the flue nor can you "cure" it.
You cannot have depression for two months
and one day wake up from it.
You cannot  cure  depression with a cup of coffee.
Ore  a few  "positive songs".
Depression is born
the day  you feel that first wave of pain.
That moment when you suddenly
dont feel there is room for you in this world.
Depression is the illness that
you deny your whole entire life.
Because you cannot afford one single
moment of utter sadness.
You never dwell in your agony
you simply  hide it.
You go forward despite being pushed back.
There are people who are in denial
about their depression.
Because  their either to brave ore
to afriad to acknowledge that
they are HURT.
And filled with misery
despite being full
you get that ******* free refill
every  ******* day.
Depression is not  a mood.
Its being locked inside
with your demons.
It´s being left alone
with your abusive thoughts.
So dont talk to me
about depression

I'd isolate myself and sit for hours if I could
Paying little mind to the things I know I should.
I'm slowly losing interest,
I feel misunderstood.
If I could fix these problems in a heartbeat then I would.

I hate this world
of noise
and greed
That grows
much smaller with
each day.
Terror
Is the dawn
Of light,
Solitude serves
To shape the clay.
I fight
Though there is
Nothing left,
Struggle yields to
Slow decay.
Remember me
As darkness blooms
Know
My heart has
gone away.

a knock on the door
nobody answers- yet
curtains in the window
slightly moving
yet nobody's there.

rain clouds falling but
you're not wet-yet
a totally drenched mind
moving slowly
yet nothing can be found.

tension fills the air but
you feel nothing-yet
there's air floating in
your head
yet nobody's there.

souls torn with damnation
no peace found-yet
a heart filled with lots
of pain
yet nothing can be found.

when last have i had a 3am kind of conversation,
with my star like emotions scattered all over the darkest parts of me,
mimicking the sky,
my moon like persona that always returns back to hiding me away.  
when last have i felt safe enough to let somebody in,
to not have visions of my vulnerability being tied to the bed after he locks the door behind him,
his voice like some sort of broken record that keeps on repeating that
"it's gonna be okay."
when last have i had a shoulder to cry on that isn't my own,
for my neck to stop worrying that the tear filled sea on either side won't get waves big enough to drown me.  
when last okay,
when last has it felt good to be me.

He was the brightest star the world had ever seen,
but no star can burn bright forever, although that was unforeseen.
He was a man who brought joy to all those around him,
so that he never had to show them how his life was grim.
He made them laugh until their stomachs hurt,
even though inside he was full of despair, sadness and disconcert.
Like a clown, his smile was painted on,
only when he removed it did you see the wretchedness in his deep blue eyes; that’s when it dawned
that he was a slow dying flower,
fading petal by petal and losing power
until the day he’d been poisoned enough by this ghastly world,
and he died once and for all by his own hand – that’s when the truth of his life really unfurled.

Sometimes it feels like I’m looking a stranger or maybe even a ghost in my mirror. Dark eyes with no sparkle stare back at me and part of me wonders when I started looking like a corpse. Meals get skipped more often than I actually eat and my body starts feeling like it’s made of glass that people keep breaking while she tries her hardest to put me back together. And when I get sick, because it always happens, it’s like my bones rattle as I shiver and each cough feels like my throat is being torn apart from the inside out and after each fit I try to be surprised that there’s no blood. When I’m asked about medical history I have to tell them I don’t know because I really don’t. I’m so stupidly afraid of getting some preventable but hereditary disease because I never knew it was in my genes. I find myself turning the same words over and over in my head while I lay in bed every night: they didn’t want you and they didn’t love you and it’s your fault. It’s gotten to the point where I believe the lies my anxiety-ridden subconscious tells me. The logical part of me knows the lies aren’t true but how do you console yourself in those lonely hours when you’re alone and no one can hear you cry yourself to sleep? Six nights a week it’s all fitful sleep and when I wake up I’m still so exhausted it takes everything I have just to haul myself out of bed to take the pill that makes it so I can just barely scrape by during school and even then it’s not good enough so I find myself failing and then I realize I just don’t care anymore. There is no in between for me, I can’t just kinda care it’s all or nothing and ninety nine percent of the time it’s nothing so I lose myself in my video games and ignore the screaming in the back of my skull that tells me to get up and do something productive with my life but I just can’t. It’s not that I don’t want to try it’s that I physically cannot make myself care enough to do anything and it’s almost like I can ******* feel my muscles begin to atrophy.

It's easy
Why are you so sad?
Cheer up!
Buck up,
It's like you're
not even trying.
Quit moping
Quit thinking
Smile,
It's your
own happiness
You're denying.
Some people
have real problems,
You're just faking.
Positivity
cures
all.
Quit your
bellyaching.

We hear this all the time,
Do you think it really helps?
Those endless
thoughtless platitudes
You spit when
we get sore
Maybe if you understood.
Maybe if you knew.
You'd talk a little less,
and listen a little more.

Dreadful Monday
Sitting here
Among the idiot
Chatter severe
Blank expressions
Garbled words
Under the radar
Unseen, unheard
Counting seconds
Losing my head
Anxiety stricken
Better off dead
Another appointment
Facing the spotlight
"How have you been?"
Everything's alright
Exit in haste
Sickening refrain
Back to uncertainty
Into the rain.

All the love that I disgraced
All the time I chose to waste
All the pain that I denied,
Just left me dead inside.
All the happiness I feigned
All the damage I sustained
All the hope that I supplied,
Just left me dead inside.
All the lies I told myself
All the conflict that I felt
All the bitter tears I cried,
Only left me dead inside.

Those deleted words that
didn't fit.
Ugly lines became
Ugly li_es.
Unfaithful
Misrepresentations
No better than
Knee **** I love you's
Said to prevent harm.
These lines
Should speak my name —
Painful, raw
Like cuts on skin.