Am I awake or am I just breathing
Just want to be proud of a life leading
Now let me rephrase
Sickness sinks this is how I'm feeling
If I was just born to dig an early grave
And like a sitting duck
Smell of rust
Running water

Darling when you're shaking
Death will hold with still hands
This world is too small for our taking

Carefully your mind assembles
Brown eyes turn dead black
Your body trembles
Look down

The void seems empty and bleak
Nothingness is numb and lukewarm
Reaching out now, old bones creek
You begin to vanish into the void


The wells are dry
You choked on that one last wish

My soul has a deep cut
I would stick a plaster over it and I would keep going
But I have none and nobody gets close enough
To see that I am bleeding in the inside,
To see that I need to be saved.
Nobody would waste their good feelings on me.
Nobody wants me in their life
The same way a child doesn't want a broken toy.

I am a broken toy.

I want to get smaller and smaller, to turn into a ghost, a shadow, to be able to hide in a wormhole in the ground.
I want people to forget about me. Because I hate myself and I hate everything I do. Because I hurt everyone I know and I destroy everything I touch.
I want to stop the time, to live forever in this moment, I want my life to stop advancing in space, because I don’t like where it goes. It’s like my body, my whole existence, is composed of mistakes and I am like this gigantic fault magnet, no matter what I do, no matter where I go, failure is there, waiting for me.
The demons inside my head build a hell for me every day and I have to carry it with me all the time. And I can’t stop them. I am so used to this hell that I am afraid of trying to get rid of it. I’m afraid of becoming happy.
So I hide.
I feel weak, I feel cold. I feel a sharp pain in my chest.
My bones are empty.
I fall.
I shatter.
I am small, but not small enough.

I feel like I am one of those sad songs
nobody wants to hear at a party
because they wake up memories,
open wounds,
make you bleed inside
And because in a few moments they ****
Everything that’s left of you.

Because they hurt.

There’s something that makes me spend
more and more time in my room.
It is a dark place,
the lights never get through the window,
there are monsters under the bed,
but they never sleep.

People are not allowed in my room
they can’t even knock at the door;
Some of them know it,
they just let me be alone.
—or maybe they just don’t care—
But sometimes new people arrive in my world,
they try to save me
so they just come in.
And that’s when I hurt them.
And then the monsters make me lock the door,
light a small candle
and read from the book where the pain
writes poems every day,
while they show me pictures of all the people I've hurt,
of everything I've destroyed.

And then my entire being starts screaming, mad at me,
until I shatter and pieces of me cover the floor.
After that comes the silence.


You don't know  how afraid I am
of silent, dark nights
how something just makes me go in there
every time I start feeling
love.

And I wish I could let people in
without hurting them.

But I can't.

So please, don't come in
don't even knock.
Don't try to save me.

There are monsters in my room
and I am the worst of them.

I crave a love so deep the ocean would be jealous.
I loved the stars so fondly even the moon looked back at me.
The truth is I dont need someone in my life to tell me that I am special, god told me I am.
He wants me to give love and all I get back for that is tears on my face and scars on my body.

Its not complicated to be the girl nobody truely cared about.
You may be miles away but my demons aren't.
They would never mistreat me and mistake my tears for a smile.
The prove of being ugly isnt a sign of the stars, it comes from the heart.

I have cried a lot of tears knowing nobody would cry for me.
So maybe this time it is good to be alone in the dark.
Try to pull yourself out this time and make a promise not to tell a single soul
about our little secret. Not that someone would really care.
They see your outside not knowing what is going on, on the inside.
I can't drown my demons they know how to swim. They will catch me sleeping.

I was the girl who never was afraid of anything in the world. They called me fearless.
I always was a good actress, being the lovely and popular girl never was a hard role.
Being a dissapointment is another thing. My life is fail wasted with a bottle of *****.
My life isn't going up because my thoughts are falling down and wanting to be dead,
never was this of big deal this year. I am scared to get close and I hate being alone.
I long for that feeling to not feel at all. I never was good with my emotions anyway.

The blades make me feel comfortable and the cuts make me feel like an outcast.
I always knew I was different from my friends, they never called me this but deep down
inside I knew I was the ******, the outsider and nobody really did like me.

When people want something from you they will do anything to get that thing.
Even if it is just to get their needs, yes I am talking about man.
Being a doll in one of this stupid games always was my biggest struggle.
I am a believer in love, knowing I will never get it. because nobody really cares.

The blood makes me feel alive. It reminds me that I am not dying. not yet.

I always wonderd what heaven looks like, even though I am going to hell.
Being a good person is the hardest thing I am dealing with in my life.
May god forgive me for the things I have done and for the things I am going to do.

My head is going to explode soon.
Tell Satan I said hello.

All I remember was a bang
A flash but no pain
I remember the feel of the hollow barrel
Stuffed in my mouth
The discomfort of the seat
And how far the trigger seemed
Now I'm here
Finally able to grasp deaths hand
Yet my hand she refuses to take
Like a ******* she requires money
The ferry wont leave this dock
Till I pay the toll
Yet I have no money in my empty pockets
I only have the hearts and souls
Of every tear that fell when my funeral began
When the last black rose fell 6 feet
When the last petal wilted away
I can't pay deaths toll
With the limbs and intestines
Of every skeleton in my closet
I can't pay deaths toll
With the smell of my scattered brains
Still painting the corner of my room
My empty pockets can't pay death's toll
So I guess I'm off to living
The life I was never meant to live
**** it was just a dream
I'm making sure
I have money in my pockets
Or at least the still beating heart
Of my angels voice
Always wishing me goodnight
Just before I dream of never paying deaths toll

It's been a long time
Six months now has it not
I thought we agreed to never see each other again
But skeletons in the closet don't smell to great after a while
And your the corpse always in plain sight
So why not greet each other one more time
After all your the reason I'm still here
Every scar you gave me made me stronger
Now here I am talking to you like a stranger
Your my trusted side kick
The vault I always threw my secrets in
My last resort when I'm feeling down
My dear friend its been a while
Now you're all rusty
Collecting dust in the corner as you wilt away
Flowers bloom and flowers decay
But my love for you against my skin
Will never decay
Now my old friend dance across my wrist once again
Cleanse yourself in the rain your dance made
Hello my friend
It has been a long time indeed
It's nice to meet your friendship again
I missed you
Now help me clean out my closet
I have a story to tell you of my adventures
While in your noticeable absence

You did a really good impression of my dad
by walking out of the front door
and never looking back

and I think that’s quite why
I was so interested in you in the first place

you talk like a man
and walk like a ghost

and you disappear every afternoon around 5 pm
and you don’t show up until a little after 12 am

and you left me home with my mother
and this loaded gun

But they say home is where the heart is
and yours has since run cold