Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Cjf Apr 2020
Hey ez. Just wanted to say, you would be 5 months now. Almost to 6 baby girl. Cousin Ellie just got to 7. Shaydens at 1. Liliana is at 8. You would’ve been right in between. Just perfectly spoiled rotten with love. We miss you. I do. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I don’t think of you often. But thinking of the could’ve and would’ve beens leaves an ache inside that hurts too much. I guess I’ve associated you with so much pain that I think of you when I’m feeling low. I’m happy for the most part. You know? Like.. things feel okay. I held shayden the other day remember? I dreamt of you that night and felt like I was holding you and I felt like that was a push from you to tell me that it was okay for my arms to hold a baby even if it’s not you. It’s just hard for me tho. To have to be awkward and laughed at and watched over as I hold a newborn when I should’ve been used to it by now. I should’ve been the one to be able to tell the best way to angle the head and even know how to burp them. I know others don’t mean to be insensitive it’s not their fault.. I’m the one who always shows them how strong I am and that im not still healing. Thanks to you. I don’t know some times wether to thank you or not because if you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what I’m capable of. If you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what being strong means. You showed me the purest love in the most simplistic way and I wish there was a way I could feel that again. Maybe the hurt inside me when I think of you is that love still just not so pure anymore since it’s marred with losing you. I know it’s bad that I don’t talk about you. But baby, it’s only been 5 months. How does anyone expect me to just be okay with it now? 5 months of you being alive would be you still being brand new. 5 months of you being dead means that I’m still holding on. 5 months of me trying to go back to normalcy. Staying with friends, going for drinks, laughing and making jokes. Some of it feels more fake than others. I don’t think you realize how much happier I would be with you here. I sometimes get a thought in my head that is terrible, but that I think is my way of coping because it isn’t how I really feel. You know? That maybe I wasn’t ready for you. Maybe I was too ill prepared. I mean come on look at us. I can barely make it by and there’s just two adults. No car. No home. No baby. And we’re still struggling. So sometimes I think, yes maybe it is better for you.. that way you won’t ever have to know how much this world really is just a climbing ladder and a lot of the times we’re at the bottom. Maybe sometimes it would be easier if you were here, maybe you would be motivation. Something to get us out of our hole we’re in. Or that I’m in.
I don’t know what’s right anymore. I wish you were here so I could just talk your little head off again. I miss those morning drives of just telling you what I had in store for us. Of complaining about nonsense and always losing track of what I was saying but actually feeling listened to for once. You made me feel so much peace just by talking to you. I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. Everyone has their own problems and me adding to theirs when my problems are easily fixable seems pointless. Idk. I just miss you. I’m sorry that I’m a bad mom. I didn’t deserve you but I thank you so much that you gave me you.
This is more of a letter than a poem. But I guess poetry is what we make it. Side note: It’s now been a year since we’ve lost her, these were just words I wrote to help the process.
Cjf Mar 2019
“They won’t make you super happy, they won’t immediately take the sadness away, but they will help”
I’m growing up and getting help for my sad ***
Cjf Mar 2019
“Writing is your escape. You should do that to help you heal” she told me.
But every time my ink meets the paper, the words dry inside my brain.
How can I explain how I feel to paper when I can’t even explain it to myself?
How do I describe the indescribable hurt that courses through my being more than my own blood?
Do I write about how I eat just to keep my family happy more than I do for my own survival?
Do I write about how I’m on a ongoing fight with my demons and every day I wanna lose?
Do I write about how lonely it is?
Do I write about how every day I’m scared to think of the future because the future is where she is supposed to be?
Yes, because if she was here, you would dream of your future still.
Yes, because for 9 months she was your partner in your belly and it is lonely without her.
Yes, because every fight you win against your demons is another tally mark for your angel baby to add up.
Yes, because even though your avoiding foods that remind you of your cravings with her, at least you’re trying to survive still.
And even though sadness is doing laps in your system, don’t forget she helped To make you happier than you would have ever thought possible.
So write.
Ezra Rollin Williams is my forever baby and my strength when I’m feeling weak. Rest beautifully baby girl.
Cjf Jul 2018
The vision is so pure and so raw and so filled with need  
My stomach swollen with a love that being full isn't satisfactory, it's greed
It's a feeling of wanting more and more and not having enough of the fill that has your name
That makes me synonymous to greed; one and the same.
The feeling that accepts you as you
And expects nothing but truth
A feeling of jealousy so knee deep
It's hard to throw away & easier to keep
Cjf Jul 2018
The harder I fall the more I fall away
It's self preservation at its finest
But why do I want to fall from the one who loves me?
We're at a cliff and I'm hanging on with one hand
and he's at the top begging me to not let go
It's temptation it's fear
It's a lifetime of leaving before I'm left
It's a lifetime of leaving blame on everyone else
It's a lifetime of loving so hard my heart can't handle it
But he assures me he can shoulder the weight of my burdens
My past, my present, and future
It's trust he's trying to hand me and that my hand can't reach for because it wants to let go
And go and go and fall and drop
It wants to reach out for him and pull him closer to me and with me.
I want him on top and on bottom and I want him near and away
But my body betrays me and the magnetic force is always trying to turn the opposite direction so we can't click together
I don't know why I am the way I am and I don't want to be me sometimes
Cjf Jul 2018
The feeling of November
Cold harsh nights of secrets and confessions
Of stories untold but with each other's ears we talked until they bled and I remember that feeling of peace I hadn't felt since May 2016
and who knew you were the perfect recipe?
I look back at my past with a sense of regret but hearing you tell me of your chapters of the book that is still being written made me review my life in the eyes of another and I look at it as a novelty.
You held my hand as we dissected the who's and the why's of our lives and we laughed
in the darkness of your room on your air mattress and we was more than melting into each other in the night, even before I knew I loved you, we were
kinetic, energetic, magnetic
A heart that had to much pride to let go
A heart that had so much love to give
Bodies that were making their own temples of unity
You always held me firmly
You opened my eyes to you and I felt you everywhere and you were the only thing I felt and I seen you and you're still the only thing I see and you proclaimed your love to me
So sweetly
You love me
"Did you hear me?"
You asked, worriedly
Your voice was already engraved into my heart of course I did, but I couldn't get those words out of my throat and
my voice stopped working, suddenly
"You don't have to say it back, I just wanted to let you know"
I want you to know too, but..
You love me though!
You dropped me off that night with a full heart and an even fuller smile. I'm addicted.
Working, sleeping, face timing, talking, laughing, hiding, dating..
One night singing old blues and show tunes lying in your room, our legs tangled into two and looking at you
"Da-dum da-dum da-dum" my heart was beating so loud to the beats of the phrase "I love you" that kept getting caught inside a fight with my pride right behind my teeth and at the tip of my tongue
Our love won the fight
"You do?"
You asked, happily
"I love you too"
Cjf Jul 2018
You were the epitome of cliche jokes and the feeling of a warm fire after being in the cold.
You were the glue to keep the 1000 piece puzzle together.
You were forgiveness in hardships
You were hammer and nails on the tool belt that a worker wore with pride each early morning and every sweltering day and all the long nights
You were dancing to commercial jingles
You were waking up excited Christmas morning to pancakes
You were trust
You were more than 2 family gatherings on holidays and having time stretched thin between the different 5 ones we had to go and choosing which one we wanted to attend
You were a secret holder
You were making weekends an hour long trip every weekend
You were holding hands with my mom while you drove and talked and laughed so
You were taking the role of "dad" when the one who fathered three kids didn't want to be
You were love in its best form
Until you weren't
Next page