Hey ez. Just wanted to say, you would be 5 months now. Almost to 6 baby girl. Cousin Ellie just got to 7. Shaydens at 1. Liliana is at 8. You would’ve been right in between. Just perfectly spoiled rotten with love. We miss you. I do. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I don’t think of you often. But thinking of the could’ve and would’ve beens leaves an ache inside that hurts too much. I guess I’ve associated you with so much pain that I think of you when I’m feeling low. I’m happy for the most part. You know? Like.. things feel okay. I held shayden the other day remember? I dreamt of you that night and felt like I was holding you and I felt like that was a push from you to tell me that it was okay for my arms to hold a baby even if it’s not you. It’s just hard for me tho. To have to be awkward and laughed at and watched over as I hold a newborn when I should’ve been used to it by now. I should’ve been the one to be able to tell the best way to angle the head and even know how to burp them. I know others don’t mean to be insensitive it’s not their fault.. I’m the one who always shows them how strong I am and that im not still healing. Thanks to you. I don’t know some times wether to thank you or not because if you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what I’m capable of. If you were here I wouldn’t have had to find out what being strong means. You showed me the purest love in the most simplistic way and I wish there was a way I could feel that again. Maybe the hurt inside me when I think of you is that love still just not so pure anymore since it’s marred with losing you. I know it’s bad that I don’t talk about you. But baby, it’s only been 5 months. How does anyone expect me to just be okay with it now? 5 months of you being alive would be you still being brand new. 5 months of you being dead means that I’m still holding on. 5 months of me trying to go back to normalcy. Staying with friends, going for drinks, laughing and making jokes. Some of it feels more fake than others. I don’t think you realize how much happier I would be with you here. I sometimes get a thought in my head that is terrible, but that I think is my way of coping because it isn’t how I really feel. You know? That maybe I wasn’t ready for you. Maybe I was too ill prepared. I mean come on look at us. I can barely make it by and there’s just two adults. No car. No home. No baby. And we’re still struggling. So sometimes I think, yes maybe it is better for you.. that way you won’t ever have to know how much this world really is just a climbing ladder and a lot of the times we’re at the bottom. Maybe sometimes it would be easier if you were here, maybe you would be motivation. Something to get us out of our hole we’re in. Or that I’m in.
I don’t know what’s right anymore. I wish you were here so I could just talk your little head off again. I miss those morning drives of just telling you what I had in store for us. Of complaining about nonsense and always losing track of what I was saying but actually feeling listened to for once. You made me feel so much peace just by talking to you. I don’t have anyone to talk to anymore. Everyone has their own problems and me adding to theirs when my problems are easily fixable seems pointless. Idk. I just miss you. I’m sorry that I’m a bad mom. I didn’t deserve you but I thank you so much that you gave me you.

“Writing is your escape. You should do that to help you heal” she told me.
But every time my ink meets the paper, the words dry inside my brain.
How can I explain how I feel to paper when I can’t even explain it to myself?
How do I describe the indescribable hurt that courses through my being more than my own blood?
Do I write about how I eat just to keep my family happy more than I do for my own survival?
Do I write about how I’m on a ongoing fight with my demons and every day I wanna lose?
Do I write about how lonely it is?
Do I write about how every day I’m scared to think of the future because the future is where she is supposed to be?
Yes.
Yes, because if she was here, you would dream of your future still.
Yes, because for 9 months she was your partner in your belly and it is lonely without her.
Yes, because every fight you win against your demons is another tally mark for your angel baby to add up.
Yes, because even though your avoiding foods that remind you of your cravings with her, at least you’re trying to survive still.
And even though sadness is doing laps in your system, don’t forget she helped To make you happier than you would have ever thought possible.
So write.

The harder I fall the more I fall away
It's self preservation at its finest
But why do I want to fall from the one who loves me?
We're at a cliff and I'm hanging on with one hand
and he's at the top begging me to not let go
It's temptation it's fear
It's a lifetime of leaving before I'm left
It's a lifetime of leaving blame on everyone else
It's a lifetime of loving so hard my heart can't handle it
But he assures me he can shoulder the weight of my burdens
My past, my present, and future
It's trust he's trying to hand me and that my hand can't reach for because it wants to let go
And go and go and fall and drop
It wants to reach out for him and pull him closer to me and with me.
I want him on top and on bottom and I want him near and away
But my body betrays me and the magnetic force is always trying to turn the opposite direction so we can't click together
I don't know why I am the way I am and I don't want to be me sometimes