Solitude used to be my retreat
But now that it's become a constant state with no choice in the matter,

It's turned from comfort
To a slow burning hell.

The same scroll and click, scroll and click.

Close.

Reopen,

Refresh,

Re-scroll.

I can't stop.

I sip this bitter coffee,
Swirling the creamy signatures across each taste bud,
Sitting with an aftertaste I wonder,
What would it taste like on your tongue?

I'll always dream of early morning coffee in bed,
But sadly,
You're not a coffee drinker.

I hope I get to see the fear in your eyes ignite in wildfire.

The terror you turned down to a low burning flame as you locked in the chains.

I hope you hide away when you watch me break link by link, and drop the things that have weighed on me.

The princess you shut away in the dungeon, so afraid she'd take your kingdom.

I hope you watch me take back all that was mine.
My birth right.

You will fall from so high
And you'll watch as I rise.

I will no longer bow and obey.
I am the queen and you're about to learn the tale of
The slave.

You say you want to drink it all away.

Bottom to top,

Bottles empty.

                                                Yet, when you sober up,
                          
                                  You'll
                                               pour
                                                         more
                                                                    alcoholic
                                                                                     thoughts

Down your brain.

                         I don't know if you can cure the alcohol poisoning
                                                 Soaked in your head.

I get to watch you drown even though I've taken the bottle away

Cause I can't take away the repetitive toxic songs you decide to play.

I dont want to continue to love people more than they love me.

How do people condition themselves to grow in inches instead of feet?

The sun doesn't stop shining just because there are people who hate the heat.

I can't seem to figure out the ones who prefer the shade.
Why can't it be as visible as those wearing sunglasses and covered in sunscreen so I know to just stay away?

Be alive.

Maybe that means something different to every single person
But for me it is laying under the night sky, closing my eyes,
And feeling the universe breathe into me.

I woke up to the fact that I've been compartmentalizing people.

Sectioning off different aspects of their personality and treating them like strangers.

As if they aren't just one and the same.

It's gotten me in trouble to fall in love with
The good you's and developing too much leniency for the bad you's.

Almost ignoring the bad altogether.

But sometimes we have to put it altogether to accurately make an assessment on someone's character and if we really love them,
And even if you really love them,
Is it safe for you to love them?

I can't hide from the whole anymore.

Its gotta be all or nothing.

For once I did not secretely crave his rescue.
I did not want to be scooped up
And have my pain smoothed over
By kisses.

I wanted to sit alone
Hold my pain in tightened fists
and stare at the wall.

As if I was looking for an answer to my misery.
Staring for another world to hide in but all I saw was a blank slate
And when I pressed my forehead
To the cold paint,
I did not hear an echo
Or a whisper to help solve my problem.

All that there was in this room
Was empty

Including me.

Do you enjoy the light I cast upon your shadow?

Or do you slip ever so slightly further into the dark?

Come sit among my angels

While I battle your demons.

Come into the light

And let me show you Heaven on Earth.

Settle down little thoughts,
You have troubled me through another night.

You ran around endlessly screaming gibberish,
Worried about the next day we have to struggle through.

Like little children tugging on my brain
Poking, prodding,
Peeking around corners waiting to show themselves.
Laughing and playing innocently but I can't help but feel
mocked.

I am sick of playing hide and... surprise!
I am exhausted and you all are tearing down the only home you have to live in little by little.

My mind is turning to pebbles and dust
But the thoughts
just
won't
stop.

I breathe in the smell that lingers on my pillow in the mornings before I have to begin my day.
Before I have to leave every comfort that is laced within these sheets.
The safety that I am wrapped in by my warm blankets,
I breathe it in.

The smell of my home, my own smell nestled within it faintly,
Almost like picturing myself laying on a window seat peering out
With trees that tap on the window.
An annoying scrape against the glass pane
Bringing me back to reality.

Now I must leave with one final breath inward
To be able to make it today.

Somehow, the pleas in my heart that begged for simple mercy
Reached flight through the universe
Like a paper airplane that flew directly into your heart
Across the Galaxy.
Bouncing off stars and whipping past meteors.

I could smile on the outside
Even though full well knowing that
Inside,
The tree of life was dying.
Leaves falling and decaying.

No one could water me.
No one could shine on me enough.

I kept dying anyway.
Thinking maybe, that I was just meant for this fate.

Yet, when I thought it was just about too late and I almost reached a point where I could've never been saved,
Then came the rain.

He came with thunder and lightening
But he still came with water too.
He poured life on the wasteland of what I had became.

So calm the pitter patter.

Sprouts have broke through and you can see the green again across the land begin and my tree is holding on, the heart that I could never nurture alone.

After his healing tears had soaked the soil, clouds began to part and he was also Sun. He was also warmth and fire and life giving in more ways than one.

The tree roots grew deep within the Earth finally strong enough to stand. Strong enough to give back and strong enough to have the branches reach out to him.

Leaves glistening now,
She reached.
Hoping to the unseen forces,
That if she could continue that she could show him how much he's changed.
If she grew, all encompassing,
Strong and unmoving,
That it'd be enough to show him the
Gratitude if only through her beauty.

Here's to waiting on your life giving rain.
My weather God.

Look at the candle,
The wick,
A beautiful skeleton
Covered in wax.
A flame burning in it's chest.

It burns and burns... Yet,
In the end nothing's left.

Except maybe, the scent.

I suppose my dreams will burn so much that they will reduce me to ashes,
And trust me,
The smell it leaves behind
Will not be pleasant.

There's a pull
So strong it's almost a push

And no..
I don't know where to
But I feel it in the air.

It's almost like I can feel wisps of hair
Tickle my face with the breeze.
A smell lightly floats on wind
And yet I've never smelled it.

Who are you?
And why do I need to touch you?

Grasp softly, handfuls of hair and let my wrists rest gently on your neck as I get closer to your lips.

As I
Stare
And want.

As I close my eyes and lean in
And all I'm holding disappears
Blowing away in the wind

Because you either are a past live's memory
Or you are a fuzzy,
Familiar,
Psychic dream.

I cherish holding your tiny feet while they still fit in my hand
As you sprawl out on the couch
And for now,
Lay on me to feel safe.

My thoughts inflate into daydreams
The way air does to balloons.

Like a balloon seller,
I've got my vast collection, except
At times I blow up more balloons than I know what to do with.

There is so many they start to lift off
Without me.
I rush to grab on, only to find myself
going higher and higher.

This is often where I end up.
Up in the clouds,
Barely holding on
To the multiple strings
Attached to multiple daydreams.

I realized that maybe people think that when you write about pain and misery it's beautiful
Because it's relatable.

We all know pain,
So it's beautiful because you know you're not alone.
They say it in a way,
You never thought was possible.
We thought it was a secret that we would just keep to ourselves,
But really,
Pain is no secret.

A soul as fragile as glass
But don't be fooled by its beauty and delicacy.
Glass can cut as easily as it can shine.

Be careful how you hold her
and hope you never break her.

She'll crack and she'll never come back.
Even though glass is smooth
Doesn't mean her soul isn't strong.

Be careful how you hold her
and hope you never drop her.

She'll burst into beautiful pieces
but they will be only be as soft as shrapnel.

Be careful how you hold her
and hope you never lose her.

I felt the birds in your spirit
From the moment I met you
And I feared the day your flitty
Heart would migrate you elsewhere.

Now that it's time
I just want to be your shelter before winter.
Even as guilty as it'd make me feel to be your cage,
Just this once,
You're the one I don't want to watch
Fly away.

Why am I so **** hard to swallow?
Again and again repeat
"You're just too strong."
What does that even mean?
Like black coffee?
You just have to acquire the taste...?

Do I have to dilute myself with heavy cream?
Will I be bearable then?

I am ineffable
and you'll choke a little every time you realize
I don't always have enough sugar.

Silence can spread cracks through my heart.
Loneliness like the pressure on broken glass until it finally breaks.
There is no solution for this kind of ache.

My mind blank and my chest slowly heavying,
I stare at a bright white screen
Looking for my remedy.

As you claim your power,
As you begin to love you,
As you free yourself from the burdens you so unconsciously placed upon your shoulders,

You'd be amazed the amount of those
Who so dearly "loved" you
Begin to shout
"Selfish!"

Oh and of course they will,
Because they know that definition well, don't they?

They know nothing of the word selfless
Because they have never
Been it.

I felt alone in the night
And I shouted in my mind
Give me a sign!
The wind went still and I felt like an imbecile.
Then the clouds moved past
And I was scared by the sudden moonlight cast,
I turned around, smiled and said,
"Hello to you too, Universe."

I am stuck inside the skeleton
Of what we call our home
Trying to mend these brittle bones
But they will crumble nonetheless
From all the pollution
We have consumed.

Rotting flesh and a weak heartbeat
Kiss the lips of the skulls teeth
Say goodbye to our dying world.

My mind is breaking down
And I'm speaking words at walls.
I see them float out of my mouth,
Letter by letter
Like the Alice in Wonderland
Caterpillar.

They float and stick along the brick.

I'm so done. I'm so sick.

I can't keep speaking because it doesn't get through
And it doesn't matter what I do.

I keep asking, is it all me??
Am I the one with a problem?

Then I can feel my mind start detaching
When it goes through all the possibilities
Until the thoughts go so fast that my mind can't even see them anymore.

It starts to slow down then turns into one giant bomb.
And I can't stop...

My reality is twisting and turning.
Leaving me behind
And I can't make sense of anything anymore.
I'm ****** up.
I have a broken mind.

So many times would I rather just be a broken toy.

Let my parts disassemble and fall apart.

A broken recording replaying the same thing again and again

Missing paint and chipped edges.

My wind up doesn't work anymore.

I
am
exhausted.

Let me lay on the floor in a jumbled mess

Without someone trying to put me back together.

We are being crazy and reckless
But only cause we're young

You've got that coy smile
I've got the fire in my lungs

If we are movin' too fast then the world better catch up
Cause I'm runnin' with my heart baby
I'll win the World Cup

Love doesn't have a rule book
And it's harder when you're hooked

Grip my hand and grip it tight
Cause the world will see us
And know we're ready for a fight

We are crazy and reckless
Probably cause we're young
And we have that fire burnin',
Fire burnin' in our lungs

I picture pieces peeling
White and withered
Flying,
Like wood ash from fire,
I am tiring.
A soft powder trailing
From whomever I used to be.