I wish
I found
Anyone
Who could vibe with my crazy,
Untamed mind.

The possibilities are endless
If you're willing to go on an adventure
With my thoughts.

**** getting to know my demons
Because they hardly exist.

Take my hand and indulge in all of my
What if's.

And yes I am a broken record
That always spins.

I'm sorry for the unpredictable
Predictability.

Life is a **** deal.

No matter how great the cheap thrills, tricks, and food is,

It isn't worth its counterpart.

The pain isn't worth this chaos carnival ride

And the only ones who think it is

Are the clowns.

For some reason I keep thinking
That love is getting swept up
By a tornado,

But really I should be grateful
For the soft, light breezes
That delicately float between
The tiny hairs on my cheek.

The way it silently bends
In gently moving peace,
And dips down ever softly for a kiss,
Before it slowly leaves.

We are all canvasses walking around,
Clueless, that we are also the painter.

What kind of masterpiece are you going to make?

Every day feels like another nail in the coffin lid
but almost like it doesn't have any point anymore.

There's no use in continuing to hammer it in
When I'm not dying fast enough.

I waste away slowly inside,
Chipping pieces away from my soul.

Such boring existence.
Repetitive and old.
Patterns that remain the same.
Around and around we go.

Our charcoals are dying down
But you are trying to rush in
Breathing as fast as you can
On something that can't
Reignite.

You could say instead of using her eyes to see the world

She used her heart to look through a kaleidoscope of colors.  

Loving the twisting images and finding the beauty

in every odd shape

this life has to offer.

I think at times like this

I blame You.

I burn with such an intense hatred for my pure existence.

I didn't want this.

You created me and I have seen too much to believe You don't exist.

I know you hear me.

I know You hear me cussing and cursing the Universe and shouting until my throats raw and my lungs give out.

I'm defeated.

And when my tantrum is over and
I've cried and pouted, sat with it for as long as I could...

Then the worst realization always
Begins to sink into my bitterness.

Now to return in humility and fealty.
To come to You at my knees
And admit my powerlessness without You.

Begging in vulnerability for some
******* help.
For love and support,
My apologies with open heart.

Existing is painful so I blame You.
Existing is blissful so I thank You.
.  .  .
Being You must **** too.

But oh,
How I strive to be just like You.

You don't even know the power you have over me.

The tiniest thing could melt me.

The way just a lick could send me caving in,
Like cotton candy,
Dissolving
Into
You.

How will you ever learn to fly

if you don't let your feet

leave the ground?

I have this desire lately
To become one with the
Spaces in between the stars.

The darkness,
The black matter
Where there is nothing
But also everything.

To be One,
Whole,
Infinity.

Stand tall and triumph.
Show them that you don't wear your crown on your head
but on your heart.

Show them that love rules all.

Sometimes I really worry
That the grief will eventually
Be so weighted on my chest
That I won't even be able to take
My next breath.

The longer I go on
The more am I amazed by the way pain can take us in it's hands like a fresh sheet of paper
And crush us into a tiny crinkled ball of mess.

But the cool thing about us humans is
How we flatten ourselves back out
Wrinkle by wrinkle,
And we can fold ourselves
Into beautiful works of origami
Over and over and over again.

The cry it out method must have
Stemmed from God.

Because you know
They hear the wails
yet they do nothing.

The world acts like I am the crazy one for loving without restraint.
As if it is some rare currency that they will run out of and they hide and bury it.
Spending it on only those they deem have enough value.

A soul purge so deep

That no one could be there to hold me in it.

A fire so englufing,
that if anyone had tried they'd have just been burned.
I lose control and only love the ones I have hurt.
How does that work?

The surrounding sounds muffle out as my chest caves in.
The kind of silence you endure as your surroundings completely disappear.

All you can feel is your chest pain burning like a thousand suns about to incinerate you alive.

You fight the urge to become a rage-induced animal
Because the pain is unbearable and no one gives a ****
and even if they do they CAN'T do anything about it.

I have to swallow it all and digest it.
I have to fight to not be overcome by it all.

But what do you do when you feel like your soul
is being filleted alive, soul stripped in all directions,
Bare, and ******* raw now..

The shedded lining burnt to a crisp in tatters across the floor around me and the pieces charred flying through the air.

Another phoenix stage of rising through the ashes
But where the **** does the sky take me?

I have been here before.

There is no where to go.

I give up.

I cut off my new wings.

The layers of pain that exist
Are so much deeper than the very
Layers of Earth's crust
Before you get to her core.

So
Much
Pain
That comes and goes.
That never stops
But definitely slows.
Sinking into the quicksand.
Dragging me through and
under the mud.
Buried by the layers
Of it all.

I was a wonder among them.

They were so used to seeing statues.

Froze.

Like red and green light

Changing poses but still

Making sure we don't

Impose.

Then when one finally decided to

Dance with the rhythm of thier soul

They didn't know what else to do

Other than stare in amazement.

The way we do the stars.

I was a wonder among them.

They were so used to seeing statues.

Froze.

Like red and green light

Changing poses but still

Making sure we don't

Impose.

Then when one finally decided to

Dance with the rhythm of thier soul

They didn't know what else to do

Other than stare in amazement.

The way we do the stars.

I twist the black smoky quartz crystal between my fingers,

Staring into the void of the darkness in it's shimmer,

Remembering how the stars predicted

That I would be, and am destructive.

I used to be the angelic who thought they could do no wrong.

Never fathoming dancing with the Devil.

Oh but not I, no longer.

Satan himself sees me at the ball and bows.

He knows to kiss my rings

Cause what a privilege it'd be to waltz with me.

Lilith my Mother, the one who will never bow.

I glide my tongue across my canine's

Only imagining the fangs of a lion.

I am a fallen angel, who painted her wings black.

I stare with blank deranged eyes, knowing I could disconnect

From whatever little soul I have left at a moment's notice

If it means ripping out throats to get what I want.

There is a fire roaring in my charcoal heart

And all I want is pure power.

More power, ferocious all consuming power.

But nay, not over the everyday people,

Only those who dare cut their eyes at me the wrong way,

the ones who question what I am capable of,

The ones who try to steal freedom,

and most importantly,

The ultimate power over myself completely.  

I stare at the crystal and throw my head back in a deep maniacal laugh, reverberating through my throat.

They have no idea who I am to become,

and really neither do I but one thing I do know is,

No one will be able to match my fire.

I drop them in the footsteps I am leaving behind as I walk my path.

The untruths I have carried inside me for so long.

Little to big stones, I press them between my thumb and fore finger,

Feeling the edges and smoothness as they slide through and drop.

I leave the things no longer serving me

And walk towards something better

With lighter step.

Hold me delicately,
Like the soft, leather petals
You caress between your fingertips,
And slip me in between the pages
Of your favorite love story
To keep me
Forever.

Oh how deliciously in love I am
With the you I made in my head.
I'm quite fond of daydreams.
It keeps away the dread.

Toxic fantasies.
Tantalizing delicacies.

Lies so sweet that they almost feel real.
Deceit to myself
Has always been better
Than anybody else.

I could bathe myself in the darkness.
Rubbing it into my every pore.
Licking it off my fingertips
As if it's the most decadent dark chocolate,
As it rains and drips down my
Cream colored body ever so slowly,
Like black, hot, candle wax.

I surrender.

I succumb to it.
I let the pure dark
Touch me in every place I ever tried to hide and cover.
I tried to deny my own animal
And now I'm ready to be ravished.
Teeth and nails sunk in.
Desperately clawing my soft skin,
Breaths that hardly make it in.
Agonizing for release.

I surrender.
Here for the taking.
Naked and bare.
And God I want you,
ohhh how
I want you.

I'm so desperate for peace
That a part of me
Is tempted to do something
Drastic to get it.

Like jump off a building
Thinking I'll fly.

If I could set you on fire with the flames that fly off my tongue I would
But I think you'd like it too much.
Quite the ******* I've found.

My hatred for you,
A never ending pit of hell.
Sparked from agony and knowing
You've never wished me well.

The devil tries to hide behind your eyes,
But you can see him when you smile.

I said, "go **** yourself,"
But really my soul was trying to say, "go find yourself."

I'm so beyond tired of flipping through this book
Trying to be on the same page as you.

Do you still look for me

In all the people

You constantly escape in

To forget you're running from

How much you hate yourself?