I wonder if anyone hears me at all....

Be my saving grace?

I keep things in
It's the way I work
I don't tell
My drama to
Everyone
Everyone doesn't need to know
So I keep
My mouth shut

I keep all my pain and hurt locked inside
I keep my ideas and opinions to myself
Who knows who would get offended

So I keep things locked up tight.
*Who has the key?

Why does everything seem to happen right at the beginning of something?
Although I suppose that you cant have a beginning of a book, without something happening, or at the beginning of a new chapter.
I just wish sometimes things would slow down, or just stop all together.
Second semester hasn't really even started and I've already had my absolute worst day ever..
But things are semi looking up, I think.

How long did you know?
Was anyone going to tell me?

It was a miracle that I found out in the first place
Did he think I would be mad?
Take drastic measures to get even?
He really doesn't know me that well
How many other people knew?
Perhaps everyone but me.
I don't know-
I  simply don't know anymore

How much pain can one person bear?
All by themselves...

I am damaged.
I am broken.

Something I wonder if I am ever wanted.

Maybe we've both matured.
Maybe we've just drifted.
Maybe we were meant for only a short amount of time.
Maybe we were meant for this fate..

That doesn't mean I don't miss you though.

I have a few options:
A. Nothing
B. Everything
C. Give up
D. Accept I can't do it and get help

I don't know....
Help??

I've been talking to you for a while now...
You seemed interested.. But at the same time not.
I thought you knew I liked you.
I guess not.
Because now you have a girl.
And it's not me.
Oops.
I guess I should get over these feelings then.
Sorry.
I'll stop.

What do you see in me?
When I smile?
When I cry?

What do you hear?
When I scream?
When I whisper?
When I don't say anything at all?

What do you admire?
When I'm talking about my passion?
When I'm singing?

What do you see in me?
*What do I see in me?

What I like most is not the flowers
not the rising sun
or the falling moon

What I like most is not smiles
or fun
It is not the few looks of love
neither the looks of admiration

What I like most is not summer nights
or school days
It is not snow or rain

Now even though i like and even love majority of what I mentioned,
This is what I like most;

*The moment before a performance or rehearsal
Where we are all ready for our director to speak and instruct,
And we are silent.
Right before we take that first breath to begin the song,
Where we all feel connected, through Music

Hate it when
You fall apart


Peice
By
Peice

When you look into my eyes,
Sometimes I wonder what you see.
Do you see how I feel about you?
Do you see the pain behind the walls I built?
Do you see the beauty beneath it all?
Do you see me?
When I look into yours eyes,
I wish I knew what they were thinking.
Can I see your soul reflecting mine?
Can I see the scars of past mistakes?
Can I see the heart of gold that I know you have?
Can I see you?

Look into my eyes.
I dare you.

When I look in his eyes
I see all what I do
I see his soul
I see me.

When he speaks
It's like everything stops to listen.
You have to listen- no matter what

When he's actually serious
You know there's no going back.
He'll throw you a bone
You just have to be willing to go get it.

When he plays,
You can't help but feel intimidated
You can't breathe standing next to him
He is like a god

When he sings,
Oh, how my heart melts
Help me, I think I'm drowning.

he left an imprint
On my heart
On my soul
On mind

*if only I could tell him that

Why do I love so many,
yet get no love in return?

Many people have asked me why I haven't done it
What I'm afraid of..

It's not just that I'm afraid
It's that I can't bear to accept the fact that he's gone.
That I have to fill his shoes
That I'm expected to.

I feel like maybe this is the one thing I can hold over his head.
Ha! You left and look that's what happened- it didn't sound right..

I don't know anymore myself.
But it all comes down to tomorrow.
We'll see what happens

You asked me why I love you.
Why don't you accept my answer?

Why do I feel the need to cry my eyes out?

Why is it that,
When I read love stories
And listen to love songs,
I start to cry?
Why?

There is so much to say
That I'll never be able to get past my lips

There is so much in my heart
That I wish you knew

There is so much
That I feel I will break if I don't let it out somehow.

I haven't written anything it seems in  years,
No thoughts or ideas have popped into my mind.
I have a blank slate of a brain....

Born- my parents hadn't planned me.. I wonder why?
One- life is good- no worries except if I should drop this bowl on the floor- I think I will.
Two- same old, same old- I'm beginning to talk..
Three- learning all about the interesting things in the house- is that a stove?
Four- pre-K, I'm learning that my brother is a little weird...
Five- kindergarten- I don't really enjoy school at this time..
Six-school starts- I'm weary at first but then I start to love it. I also get my first look at love- his name was Jonathan- but then he moved
Seven-I get to see my first taste of snow, breathtaking
Eight- I begin helping the special kids at my school- I think one if them falls in love with me.. I was the only one who could calms him down.
Nine- I begin my journey of my obsession with books. Ms Newman helped with that.
Ten- I enter fifth grade- my last year- I loved my teachers- they were preparing us for the middle school changing of classes
Eleven- middle school- I'm in band, playing french horn- it was exciting. I loved it. I also learning about real friends during this time...
Twelve - in band again- I play a solo- and I did good. I form a club at my school first priority. My brother has an open heart surgery- I realize how precious life is.
Thirteen-eighth grade- I cried at the end of it- mainly about band.. I made a lasting relationship with my director, Mr. Williams and Mrs. Larson- I loved being with the band.
Fourteen- high-school- I wasn't prepared for the drama and problems that would arise- I meet my largest problem- my section leader in band- let me tell you that I loved marching band it was(and still is) the best.
Fifteen-I was still having problems with my section leader- now turned drum major.. But I think that we are good now..I also fall for him as well. So..
Sixteen
I haven't gotten that far yet- only two weeks and I'll be 16, but let's hope that my life has taught me well.

To him,
Who understands me perfectly.

I love you.
And am falling every time we touch.

I wish you could see that.

I see you in my dreams
You haunt me every waking moment

I imagine what you'd say if you were here
That we'd laugh about the same things

Make jokes like we used to
Get nothing accomplished like we used to

I imagine you walking in the door
And th  butterflies that erupt in my stomach

Every feeling that we ever encountered
Every advice you ever gave

Oh, how I wish you were here.
My muse

What power do you have?
To make me feel this way?

Why have I fallen hard?
Even harder, in the time
We've been apart

Why do I run when I see you?
What can I not bear to face you?
What am I afraid of?

*How can I be afraid of you?

Do you know what you do to me?
Do tell....

Do you know how much I want to kiss you?
To hold your hand?
To have you love me?

No, you don't.
Of course not.
Why would you?

You don't see how you've hurt me.
You don't see my pain.
You don't see why I'm so afraid,
Afraid of you, afraid of talking to you.
You don't see your mistake.
You don't see your failure.
You don't see anyone but yourself, do you?

I hate this feeling.
Of worthlessness
Of pity
Of "I told you so"
Of being used.

Especially when it's from you.