Despite the screaming in my head,
The tears in my eyes
"I'm fine..."
Is what I said
"I'll be there in a few minutes..."
Then I put down the phone
And ran into the street
My suicide
"An accident" they'll say
The perfect plan.

The average person lies four times a day,
The most common lie is
"I'm fine"

I nvisible
'
M arred
F ucked
I nsecure
N uerotic
E mpty

You know that feeling when you walk into a room full of purpose
and then instantly forget what you were doing?
The intention, the action, then the frustrated attempt at recollection.
That's how I feel when I wake up.

You know that feeling when you reach the top of a rollercoaster
and your stomach drops before the ride does?
The anticipation, the adrenaline rush, and then you feel sick.
That's how I feel when I step outside my door every morning.

You know that feeling when you're just going about your life
and then you get a sense that something has gone terribly wrong?
The relaxation, the peace, then the chills across your skin.
That's how I feel when I cross the road.

You know that feeling when you are listening to a song
and then one line loops and loops and loops, like a broken record?
The rhythm, the melody, then the repetition (repetition, repetition).
That's how I feel when I speak.

You know that feeling when you get a new pen, put it to paper
and then it glides, tracing letters cleanly and smoothly?
The impact, the initiation, then the ease of creation.
That is how I feel when I write.

h.f.m.

My sister,
an annoying blister.
In the depth of my relaxation,
she bombards me with such nonsense and retardation.
Like she's designed to disrupt every source of silence,
while I'm diving in the ****** of my imagination.

My sister,
full of spirit and laughter.
Her jolly heart is something I feel obligated to look after.
My sister,
Although having her endless branches of imagination,
says that I'm her inspiration.

Step 1: Get out of bed
Step 2: Look in the mirror
Step 3: Practice your smile
Step 4: Eyedrops to hide the red eyes
Step 5: Conceal the dark circles
Step 6: Breathe
The curtains are almost up
Step 7: Lock down the pain
Step 8: Ignore the weight on your chest
Step 9: Silence the screams inside of your mind
Step 10: Choke down the sobs
Step 11: Ignore the stinging in your eyes
Step 12: Swallow past the tightness in your throat
You’ve put on this show a million times
Step 13: Don’t let them see
Times up. Curtains up. Camera rolling

my flesh
is your canvas.
your hands smooth over my body
like a paint brush.
my body is covered in goosebumps
adding texture to the picture.
my body is throbbing,
aching, for your brush strokes
long stokes, filled with passion
fast short quick strokes that leave me
breathless, gasping for air.
your hands continue to trace the
outline of my body, like a pen on paper
they graze my *******, your fingertips
grip around my ******* as you twist and
pull.
your lips come into contact with my pale pink ones, your tongue is a satin brush caressing mine, swirling your brush around the inside of my mouth like you were cleaning off the excess paint.
your lips trails off down my neck
your teeth nibble on my skin
creating a masterpiece of deep purple tones.
I crave every inch of you inside of me.

t.h.

of one thing
i am sure
and that is
that i am
unsure of
myself
and it’s funny
how i can’t
sleep but my
chest closes its
eyes and hums
with a heartbeat
that is unsure of
itself, too.
i try to morph
into a body
i don’t feel
belongs to me
just so i can
fit somewhere
fit in somewhere
and i tell so
many stories
about the
universe, it
forever feels
like i am trying
to remain lost.
i am unsure
of myself;
connecting the
moles on my
skin as if they
will spell out
something bigger
so i can feel
like i matter,
at least for
a little while.
i sleep beside
myself, stare at
a reflection
so unfamiliar
i couldn’t even
identify it in
a crowd of
strangers, but
i am trying.
and one day
i’m sure i’ll
be sure
of myself but
until then,
i’ll morph into
someone i can
be proud of
and hope that
the universe
sends me back
to myself.