i.

night,
smudged
like the
moon-inks of
mascara,

dark waves,
torn below
the ephemeral
mists of
the sky,

course grasses
scrape the paths.

ii.

in a second
of life,
bulbs with
their pearl-
paper
baubles
nudge
the earth

announce
themselves,
whisper they
no longer
hide in
the cold
that they
never feared
the dark.

iii.

sky of flooding
blossom rests,
whisper of spring
in shadows of
warming isles,
coast of riotous
song sweeping
its way along those
sandy paths.

iv.

boy, we
were here once
before,
so long ago,

i'm dissolving
cloud-like
in love,

memories of
our hearts
their crazy
love, those
emotions like
dance and
desolation.

v.

the emotional
blues of our hearts,
emotion, i will
never forget,
love like a midnight
sea sweeping out,
how i melted for
you, sea, star, night-
cloud of love,
beautiful boy.

.
How I wish I could lay my head
down gently on your thighs,
to make you moan and sigh aloud
and slowly close your eyes.

How I wish I could use my tongue
and give you more than rhyme,
to bring a flush up to your cheek,
of feelings beyond space and time.

How I wish that I could speak
in words of feathered certainty
and so entice your curious mind
to lay down with me for eternity.
.
.
© Pagan Paul (2017)

It's obvious, isn't it?
When two similar planets pass by
each other
and get caught in
each other's
gravity.
It's obvious what must happen here.
The words not said
scream loud enough to
bridge the hundreds of miles,
and we still don't
say them.
Not yet.
It's obvious we haven't been here before.
Into uncharted waters,
we move so
very
slowly,
careful not to create waves
before we meet in the center,
careful not to misstep,
so that we can
do things right
for once.
It's obvious.

Nine years and still
we cradle our grief
carefully close,
like groceries
in paper bags.

Eventually the milk
will make its way
into the refrigerator;
the canned goods
will find their home
on pantry shelves.

Most things find
their proper place.

Eventually the hummingbirds
will ricochet against scorched air,
their delicate beaks stabbing
like needles into the feeder filled
with red nectar on the back porch.

Eventually our child
will make her way
back to us. Perhaps.

But I’ve heard
that shooting
****** feels
like being
buried under
an avalanche
of cotton *****.

For now it’s another
week, another month,
another trip to Safeway.

We drive home and wonder
why it is always snowing.
Behind a curtain of snow,
brake lights pulse, turning
the color of cotton candy,
dissolving into ghosts.

And with each turn,
the groceries shift
in the seat behind us.
From the spot where
our daughter used to sit,
there is a rustling sound—

a murmur of words
crossed off yet another list,
a language we’ve budgeted
for but cannot afford to hear.

My mind doesn't make sense.
It changes
Doubles
Destroys
Designs.
It cascades in on itself
Creating rubble,
Only to rebuild something
Twisted,
Unsettling,
Squirming,
Swelling,
Bursting.

My mind is a place that
I tend to fear.
It's a trap,
A net
Tangling me in
It's sick web
Of spun tales.

To it,
I'm a slave.
No escape
Nothing left
But shadows
And lost artifacts
Best left in the dark.

It's almost funny;

I performed one action
Metaphorically
And it made me want
To do the same thing physically;

*I fell off the cliff of despair

We're gonna make it through this, right?
we can put a stop to these endless nights
Of comparing selfish sides
Until we see the blazing light
Of the fire that burns in our throats
Oh wait that's the mourning light
Shining in through the window bright
Illuminating the stubborn golden gild we wrapped around ourselves tight
Tinted with twisted satisfaction and delight
Take a bite out of this sour apple
Let your teeth sink into it until you have my sight
Because we both screamed what we wanted
Until it didn't feel right
Until our lungs felt tight
And our hearts pulsated In our throats
The absence of each other
Left us raw with the insight
That Reminded us why we hold on so tight
At the end of it all
We just want to make things right

how do I find strength in silence
where do I find courage in darkness
my heart can't take blows one after another
I know you can't help it
yet please
tell me your hidden thoughts so I can carry them
tell me your anxieties so I can allay them
let me be strong enough to carry both our worlds
even if my spine snaps or my shoulders break
trust me
I'll be strong enough to carry both our worlds