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Bright lights are deafening
And sounds cloud my vision.
Voices are magnified and
Spaces are enclosing as I
Gasp for breath, as I
Muffle small cries.
Faces. So many faces
Blurring together and I
Grab at the air, begging it
To quit it's fighting with
My stubborn lungs.
It's incredible.
All this noise, all these screams,
And I haven't moved an inch.
Inside the mind.
 Mar 2017 Squid the Russell
From time to time your eyes weaken,
your face reddens, and body trembles.
And in those moments my soul is crushed,
the heart of this flower grows cold.
Despite your emotions, your actions, flaws,
I've never loved someone more.
But when you begin to shake,
my body aches, hoping this time that I can help.
You tell me to let you tremble, let you cry,
but what if your earthquake pulls down our house?
Despite my fears, my sadness, hopelessness,
I allow you to shudder and weep.
And when it is over, I go and test the grounds,
looking for damage to our home.
But you've assured me once and I'm starting to see
that your tremors do no harm.
And the aftershock is a stronger Love.
I do not want to be a fishing float
adrift on the waters of existence,
allowing myself to accept stagnation,
bobbing ever buoyant to
the ebb and flow of the mundane.
Reel me in and cast me again into living waters.
Wash away doubts and anxiety —
the fears that snag my line, my vexation.
Give me peaceful rest in fresh water
that is replenished by Your rain.
10:45 PM, 3/14/17
Inspired by a lakeside photography escape after class, the fishers that I met, and the following verses.
John 4:14
Matthew 4:19
Isaiah 45:8
Check them out sometime.
There were never any sad moments
when I'm with you
It's when I'm away from you
that skies start to dim
and the drowning sensation begins
I wraped myself around you
and prayed the skin between us
would melt,
so our hearts could finally be together

your smell haunts me
in taxis and airports,
my heart is not made
for moments like this

my ears bleed
on the Wednesdays
they play our song
on the radio
but I can't
make myself
turn it off

ever since you left
I've been taking half breaths

I want to be able to tell you
I didn't breathe a full breath
without you
There's a guy in my life who I adore,
As a friend,
As a brother,
But nothing more.

No romantic feelings lie between us,
And that's okay.
To be honest,
We prefer it this way.

He is beautiful,
A true best friend.
We have a lot of good times,
I'll love him 'til the end.

In my heart rest our memories,
Of us walking,
Making big bonfires,
Or staying up all night talking.

I'll never forget our cat,
But I cannot wait
Until we see him again.

For I'm proud to call him my family,
My brother,
And I know,
We'll always be here for each other.
I love you!
I am an open book, yet not a long one.
However, I seem to not be easily read.

I am not tucked into a nook or cranny, but know some
Sticky pages should be pried to see inside my head.

At times, I feel like a journal of dreams,
Scrawled into and left beside a bed.

My cover, it alternates, older and sewn with intricate seams.
My author is only He who bled.

Do I have a title?
No, yet I was named with a purpose.

It would be unfortunate to find me an eyeful,
And stop when you have yet to scratch the surface.

I can only pray for my pages to add
Substantially to my true story.

To see experiences passed down to younger ages, I would be glad,
To share true wisdom before I am in glory.

I am an open book, but certainly not a long one
I want to share love any way possible and be blessing

Either a single work or in volumes, how ever it is done
It should be one that only adds to life, never lessening.
11:50ish PM, 8/13/16 - 11:26 PM, 8/14/16
 Feb 2017 Squid the Russell
Like a sweet apple pie,
or perhaps a chocolate cake.
Regardless, my love was sweet;
Yours was bitter
like coffee without the creamer.
I don't believe in god
but I know you do
and I find myself afraid
that my love is not enough for you
And so I pray again tonight
to a force I cannot see
to a deity I do not feel
from a faith that's not in me
For truth is true to each and every one of us unique
And I'll lie to me a truth to you
if it can grant you peace
For I love you more than my pride
more than honouring my view
I'll help you walk toward pearly gates
Though I can't go in with you
I'll stand beside you every step
If you'll have me on your way
To a heaven known by one of us
Until my dying day
For my views my truths my foolish pride
They aren't worth losing you
For the pain I'd feel to lose my heart
Is what I hold most true
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