following your heart as if a flight of birds were the only trace of memory of something that was amiss (you)
but something taught in fairytales how wronged it is
how wronged the feeling of what was supposedly fate
some bitter sweet written fairytale without an ending in sight
this dilemma i must face does indeed bring me disgrace
and I’m sorry
horribly sorry
maybe i’ve got a hole in my head where everything waterfalls in and drips out slowly
taking
its
own
sweet
time

fruit tea in hand i am exposed to the wilderness of the light misplaced in the night
taking shelter in some temporary cafe soon to be gone
just by a few months
like us, most probably

mixture of emotions i can’t quite comprehend
nonetheless the hues and tones all blended together like lemon juice
makes the palette very sour
like the taste buds of your tongue when you snap at me
and i  don’t put up a fight
words take flight before tomorrow even makes its stand

the sun washes and spills like watercolour
and i’m alone in this coffee shop just off the road







maybe the concept of love is unbelievably hard for someone like me to grasp
so eager to fall so quick to lose the game
when all i’ve ever seen is the quick glimpse of love on my broken television screen
static and all
the path chosen in the path to go
the only picture i’ve ever had of this mystical thing was from a blind artist
so beautiful in his work and yet everything’s nearly see through

boy with his dozens of crowns
nose in the air
the beautiful boy i love.

though i’d like to crush glass bottles with my palms
boy with words of ecstasy, vibrant as  peacocks
electric blue
but i’m not a poet of love of any kind.

nothing too rigid but he was able to cup it within his palms
it caught the light and reflected it into his eyes
as pure as a candle without being lit
no one will ever know        until today
and the rest is still stuck in my mind
brick foundations shaped into pins
struck by what was once so dear
misfortune never misses
even if you did miss her grand entrance

we all know greed will fade to gold
a face like stone
the pain begins to show
he’d never admit
the existence of splinters
made from holding onto an illusion too tight
an illusion thats turn to ashes
up in flames
memories sizzling away like the seconds it takes
for you to walk towards me
on the way back home
better catch up
aren’t we both equals now?
i asked you once,

“are you mine?
     or just mine to hold?”

once and never again.

our last hope i threw to the beggars along the cold streets in order to get a couple of looks of approval
oh i never know how much i let you down
but its coming back around

i’d rearrange parts of our living room
but the ceiling will come crashing down
regardless,

i feel you in every heartbeat
the beats i won’t feel against my chest
the howls so inanimate
of the wind
the cries have been replaced by remembrance and a void
i void i can’t replace
can’t replicate

i read your name on every wall
tell me is there a cure for anything at all
and if there is a cure
would you let me apply it
to the wounds
the gunshots this rifle has created
will you let me apply it to the scars
and will it take them away
let me go back to yesterday


we’ve got no place to go
we’ve got no where to run
they’ve all got loaded guns
oh no, please god tell me we’re dreaming

i’ve come apart and      you made me

bury me underground with your sweet talk because darling we both know there's tons of it to go around
as plentiful as the soil found in your backyard, both you never gave a second thought about
say it in a nonchalant way as if you really couldn't care less if i was caught in the storm

lie to me! let me delude myself for a moment!
give me a reason to wallow in my own ditch, the one i dug for the big bad wolf i heard that was coming this way
i was free falling, i lost my bearings on the ground as the omega and alpha diluted with each other forming a shade of indigo

indigo.

indigo reminds me of the sunsets we used to see, the occasional yet daily coat the sky would drape itself in
but as if it got tired of the same old same old shade! same old story that has just begun after it the last page was flipped.

so here i stand, tracing the sky. trying to find that familiar hint of indigo, just to have something to grasp onto
it's gone and all is lost. lost and gone like many things i used to parade around my backyard because all the eyes I needed was mine.
i didn't require permission or say, acceptance for whatever i beheld. i didn't require a panel of judges with set opinions no matter
how many times i changed the game!

i had you and that was something i lost in the storm. regretfully. necessarily.
i could search the woods once more  from treetop to the smooth bottoms of azure blue pebbles or i could learn the art of letting go.
in all my emptiness i am trapped in this sun bleached room once more


i can't ever take you there or show it to you but i can tell you what it feels like if you lean in close and just. listen.

it's like i'm trapped within an ice cube but there's nothing there to trap me, it's cold. cold and lonely you could say.


hold on,
let me just grab my suitcase full of nothing.

turquoise jagged blue streaks against her fore-arm, some would believe it to be from the multiple shots of continuous melancholy she swallowed drip by drop almost coloured like the underside of cyan nearly opaque seashells the tone she’d flicker in and out like the rays of light only paler -- in hopes of finding, all the while searching.

searching for what, you question? what to search for, you’ll continue to question without punctuation to cut. you. off. mid. sentence.

she never spoke breath fainter than the splash of dull watercolour you’d leave against your canvas, the one you never brought home.
collecting dust above her eyelids the pair that kept the blackened inverted world shut and disclosed. curtains without colour of any sort be it blue or red, it lacked the hues you could have used when you left home for the weekend.

weekends were fire escapes the kind that you’d paint a shade of moon one that catches like nearly a reflection you were and still are replacing with your shadow the one that darts outta the door each time steps are heard creeping in.

you can’t leave me if it was never meant to be.

IVE BRUISED MY KNEES A SHADE OF SUN-KISSED INDIGO ATTEMPTING TO CRAWL AFTER YOU ON THIS UNMARKED TRAIL YOU PICKED OFF-HANDEDLY FROM THE MAP YOU KEEP IN YOUR BACK POCKET. I'VE SUNKEN SO DEEP THE TRENCHES HAVE BECOME THE SECOND HOME I SHARE WITH CREATURES OF THE NIGHT, THE ONE'S MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME TO FEAR. THERES ONE SHES OVERLOOKED, THERES ONE IVE OVERLOOKED AND ITS BEEN STARING AT ME IN THE FACE UNBLINKINGLY. I BLEED CONSTELLATIONS, THE ONLY DIFFERENCE FROM THE PAST OF MY SHADOW IS THAT SHE DID IT FOR YOU AND IM ONLY DOING SO RIGHT NOW WELL BECAUSE THE SKY'S A LITTLE EMPTY AND IT'S HARD TO FIND MY FOOTING IN THE DARKNESS, WITHOUT A JAR WITH THE HEARTS OF COLLECTED FIRE-FLIES THAT YOU KEPT AROUND YOUR NECK. WHERE MINE USED TO BE. I WONT BRUISE FOR YOU. NOT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW. NOT EVER. I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THIS.

love is crooked lines. love is eyes that sting. love is short people tiptoeing. possibly the smell of a forest fire. love is the waves crashing against the shore. the sky changing hues. a watercolour palette with all the neon colours now blue. love is pairs of birds above us, fleeing from the cold. or maybe a curtained window blocking our view of the world. be my guest, interlock fingers. kiss rosy cheeks.  light the bridges. pay to be on board a shipwreck. love is you in the hallway, asking me to leave. love is okay, i'll go soon. love is you're right, i'll go now.

your fingers are caught in my hair and honestly i don't quite mind.
as long as it keeps you here and the distance within centimetres, everything'll be perfectly fine.
we'll be perfectly fine, or at least we'll find a way to convince ourselves
find a way to convince ourselves that we'd hold onto each other while we're caught almost this mad and utterly brilliant world.
and when you build a wall to keep yourself safe, don't forget to install a window.

it'll be a pity to forget how the sun never fails to shine down on us each passing day while the moon bathes us in a ghostly glow
and i think of all of this, while your fingers are playing with my hair

you're lovely, so incredibly lovely and i wouldn't mind telling you this every second of the clock
maybe when you look at the stars and realise how their beauty can't compare to what you withhold, you might just believe it

we'll see, won't we?
we'll see if you promise to stay.

because I'll be sitting here, staying at the corner just off the main street near the alley where you left me

i’m not going anywhere soon