Muffled screams
Caged behind my lips
     Just keep quiet,
Says the voice in my head,
          *People have real problems.

"Be happy." They say.
I can't.
"At least pretend to be."
Why?
"Because no one likes a sad person."
*Oh

I got a taste
Of your absence
From my life
When I woke up
With my eyes wet
And hands clenched
Visions of your leaving
Swirling in my head
I became stone
And not one part of me
Wanted to move
Afraid I may crack
But only after
I fought through the
Haze of last night
I realize I was only dreaming
My heart is removed
From the guillotine
And relief washes
Over my stiff body
Oh deary, this isn't
The first time
My dreams have
Pained me like this

She entered her son's bedroom and found him playing hide and seek.
"Shhhh mommy. Don't make a noise, he'll figure out where I am hiding."
His mother smiled and ruffled his hair, "Okay sweetie, just come downstairs for dinner when you're done playing."

"Honey, what's our son up to?", her husband asked her while reading the newspaper.
"The same like always, playing with his imaginary friends.", she laughed.

Inside the cupboard, their hiding place, they whispered slowly.
"Don't tell mommy that we play together, she'll think you're crazy."
"But you're my brother, I am sure they'll be very happy."
"No. You don't get it, for them I'll always be the dead baby."

She cries late
                  every night
     Turns off all the
                           lights
         Sits in bed
bawls
             her eyes out
      in the dark
Cutting out pieces
      of her heart
No one can see
                          the scars
           of her sewing
back up her chest
       Soon she will be
             an empty shell
        Hopefully
                    putting her soul to rest
If her heart
                    is no longer there
It can't get broken,
              right?
If no one can see
                          the tears
Then she never cried,
                     right?

It's hard to say
When the first onset
Of insecurities
Had taken place

Was it at 17?
When I stared deep
Into the mirror
Despising the reflection?

Was it at 15?
When I dug my fingernails
Into the side of my thigh
When he made me feel like used garbage?

Was it at 13?
When I showed
My mom that award
And it was carelessly tossed on the table?

Was it at 11?
When the snickers
Of my classmates
Reached my heart?

Was it at 9?
When I watched
Mother try to desperately
Cover her imperfections with powder?

Self love?
Self love?
Self love can't dwindle away
When it never existed.

And now at the age
Of barely 20,
I've been searching
The ground
For a speck
Of confidence
And trying my best
To piece together
A backbone
That I never had.