I feel more aware
I can see it in the night air
They have ignorant thoughts
I am becoming less distraught
Understanding that
It wasn't just my fault

She stares at the bookshelf
The top is cluttered
she cannot bring herself to clean it
For she is too small
Instead cleans from the middle down
It wasn't hard at all
If only she were tall
Then again, she prefers
to be small

I think it's all too much
lately it's just been a rush
yelling to myself
"shush"
cannot speak about it
but I'm aching already
I don't know
if I'm starting to eternally bleed
these are the things
of which I cannot speak
I'm sorry if I came off strong
honestly I don't know where it comes from

lately I've just been in my feelings
trying not to say them out loud
but lately it just won't come out
bottle it up so they don't investigate
I'm trying fix all this self hate
the things that are around me just aren't great
can someone help with this self hate?
and not leave me there like an ingrate
sorry for all the things I can't complain
it's all in my head, right?
I can't even say it
so I bottle it up like it's nothing

I drown in my thoughts
You made me forget
But now I'm regretting it

Fine lines
The same old lies
In your eyes

You promised
Yet you relapsed
And now I'm snapped

I don't know if you know
But you're dazed
stuck in a haze
Won't let yourself escape

You have four beautiful daughters
Yet your mind
is on your own slaughter

I'm sorry I tried
But you ignored my pleas
On my knees
Can't you see?

You're falling
And I can't even stop it
Do you hear me calling?
All you hear is a whisper
My vocal chords are shredded
But it doesn't amount to a thing

You don't know the pain
You're bringing to yourself
All for your own game
In vain you are dying
Slowly I know it
Decaying
Time is ticking
But again
You relapsed

You promised that
Once to a girl crying on the phone
I guess you forgot that girl
Your own daughter
Just because you have free will

I don't know if you just don't care
Or if your demons are there
But I'm here
I can't watch you disappear

I love the way you smile
The way you look at me
Even when I don't see with my eyes

You have malice in your eyes
You're upset inside the fire
Or perhaps
You were the spark all along

How long
Just how long
Until we can come together
Where there is no violence
No need to hate

How long
Just how long
Until there are no school shootings
No one is left behind
No one is discriminated
For simply being who they are

How long
How long will it be
When we are truly free

In our streets there are diseases
In our faces
In our eyes
Out loud every one cried
"Stay at home or we will die"

My eyes start to swell
Tears were the only thing that fell
I always ask myself
What am I doing wrong
Because it seems as though
It's been this long

I've been swimming
Swimming through countless oceans
Trying to find a name
For my condition
I've sunk under waves
Trying to find my place
Trying to assure myself it'll be fine
Only to come across
No, it's not fine
It's not fine anymore and I can say it
I can say it with knowing
That everyday I'm turning
Far away into desolation
My eyes hurt
I want them to close
My heart aches
I want it to be ripped out
Thrown into a lake
But everyone else loves
This ugly mistake
Someone who shouldn't have been
Someone who was carried
Only not to be wanted

Alone I start to break
My memories all clash
The feeling of living slowly faded
From the blood in my veins
I cried out wanting it more and more
Asking God
Why did you save a wretch
Only for this world to break her neck

in the grave
going under
my mind starts to blunder
the shouting never rests
my body is shaking
the heart breaking apart

I think I want to disappear
she said that all I do
is disappear
it couldn't be anymore clear
that I'm not needed here
my fears
were what turned to be truth
all I needed was
to hear it from you
all I seem to do is run
but now I'm permanently faded away

She led him dead
He said "We bled"
She said “Not fed”

The words fall from your lips
My heart felt more broken
So I tore out my heart
And presented it to you
However it wasn't the best gesture
As you screamed and threw back
In my face
So I picked it up
Placed it back in my chest
I wasn't feeling the best
So I acted like I wasn't impressed
Not anymore by your beauty

I think it's going to rain
when I die
my life doesn't even feel
like its mine
there's a crossed line
and it's fine
if I've already crossed it
I know that I've lost it

lately i have been crying
for things that are dying
changes are crashing in
the tide has become too deep
buried under the sand
i continue to weep

inside my heart
there have been multiple
those have passed by
stopping at the bus stop
to get off
and never return

wires in my brain
tell me i'm insane
i dare you tell me i'm insane
i know i'm far gone

one of these days i know
that young face of yours
will grow old
but my love for you
will carry on

torn faces and worn out streets
listening to a band
I fall asleep
walking but here I dream
inside of my mind
no one can reach me

I wake up again
the feeling is never the same
each day
will we ever see the end
we won't ever escape
crying out
"hell is empty"
but it is our hearts that are not filled

how is it I'm so uneasy
how is it that you've been fine
life reveals what it's dealt through seasons
circle comes around each time

you're above
over me
you're feeling the love
above
craving unconditional love

twisters inside my brain
feeling tired from the cold
withering in my bones- old

decaying and dissolving to ash
the colors begin to clash
red, orange and black
blue on my lips
i have lost my tricks

fire- endless as it burns
inside my chest
it engulfs me into flames
knowing there is shame

teeth in the mouth
blood is spilling out
my heart is at an end
never will I say it aloud
but inside it is loud
teeth in the mouth
won't someone get me out

lately it has been getting darker
the days seem to be even harder
where i cannot find a light
nobody can find me
alone in a place so empty

i lay my head down
music is in my ears
sighing; completely angry at the world
where i feel empty
out of place and gloomy

cut me into pieces
rip me apart slowly
never thought it would be this way
where I feel so lonely
without you it feels cold
desolate as I float into space
you're my gravity
that pulls me back
in your arms
where I need to be

my words are becoming stale
there isn't exactly a way for me to say it
at least not anymore
I'm taking a breath in
and letting them out slowly
hoping my heart reaches to you
tells you how much I need you

You breathed new life into my veins
the second you lifted me up
in your arms
holding me tightly
just never
please never let me go

i need you here
right beside me
for i cannot be
complete
without you
without you

i can't exist alone
i'm dying here
alone again
knowing inside
to let my walls fall

you look me in the eyes
feels like the first time
all over again

inside of my head
I knew
I should have been dead
but then again
I didn't know you

now that I am with you
it feels like I knew you
the entire time

will you stay with me my love
for another day
I am afraid
don't wanna be alone
without you

I spit out fire
from my lungs
the ground shakes
it all comes crashing down
all over again

I don't want it to wake up
the evil inside

Again I breathe you in my lungs
resuscitate me

I take another breath
maybe the first
maybe the last

my heart beats
maybe the first
maybe the last

the pain
I don't dare speak

You are callous
a cold sheet of ice
quickly do you melt
the fire burns you alive

Red, orange, yellow, white
the colors mix together
you can't find yourself
the pain it hurts
the pain I don't dare speak
to tell how I feel inside
all in all
it feels like a crime

You punish yourself
with words you can't take back
It's all fading to black
hit it , **** it, rip it apart
stop yourself from falling apart

the pain it hurts, it hurts, it hurts
the pain I don't dare speak
to tell how I feel inside
don't ******* tell me it's fine

Dealing with these emotions
tell me how you're still breathing
tearing yourself
just try to find the way out
the pain
it hurts
I can't stress it enough

I am shaking
as the room caves in
the tears rush down
I can't breathe
unable to scream
unfound
lost
alone
caved in

I don't understand you
I would like to
You are inside the mirror
we do not exactly get along
I know you are hateful
even mean

You don't have to appease anyone
however I would like you to love me
and in return
I could learn to love you
you, myself

I know I am horrible person
You don't have to keep reminding me
With that look on your face
the hatred in your eyes

Crying and screaming out
yelling at me
spitting out venom

You're in the mirror
you are me
crying my tears
spewing out my venom

punch the sink
hell even the mirror
it does not matter
for you are
the sinner

I am letting go of this monster
she has no name
Can't be tamed

She will stay
Crawl inside my bed
as I pray

The monster inside my head
telling me, whispering softly
I am better off dead

I've tried to refrain
from certain habits
The hurt inside
that comes out from me
Attacking me
Spitting out venom from my lips
creating the edges on my skin
bleeding out from every gashed bruise

The world crashes down
every step I take as I ruin it all
I'm tired of living
have to keep going
a smile can not shield me
I fear for the worst

Listening to myself
it just angers me
I don't even mean to be myself at times
It all just comes out
a tidal wave
that destroys the beach

It would be better
to be a hurricane
that is a better comparison

Who shall you be today?
Loving me or despising me
It does not matter now
Since you practically want me dead
I am worthless
A burden
Cowardice is my definition
I wanted to live
Believe me, I did

Crying again
all alone and tired
shaking in my bones
cold and decaying
tell me if you would care
but no
you do not
lies
that is all I hear

Broken, ripped apart
my heart bleeding out
as the stitches come apart

How should it be today?
You don't see or feel
as I do
You don't even feel at all
do you?

All the things I could say
all the things I could express
but nothing could be enough
I'm not enough
and I know that
just tell me if its what you need
What is it you want?

Let's lay together
in this deathbed
a garden of ashes
Decomposing among them

A god
but of death
I fell in love with you
I'm bound to you
we're bound together

Am I a healer?
Or just a lover of pain?

You whispered something inaudible
as you slipped away from me
The tears were slipping out

Remembering a summer day
where everything was tranquil and pure
Your eyes shone brighter that day
than any other

You feel it coming down
don't you?
The meltdown that you had to have

"You're crying again?" Your friend asked
As you just got done seeing your parents fight
"You're such a crybaby" The boy said to you
After your best friend passed away
"All you want is attention" Your parent commented
After you just got done cutting yourself in the bathroom

You feel it fading away
you wanted death so badly and no one ever understood
"Why aren't they back yet?" Your friend asked
as your desk was empty again
"They're probably just sick" The boy said
trying to reassure himself
"What could we have done?" Your parent wept
as they looked at your lifeless body

Maybe they could have paid attention
or at least tried to understand
Your friend abandoned you because they found someone else
and they never stopped to ask if you were okay
That boy despite him loving you
he never said it
And your parent
they were too caught up in their own problems
and trying to tell you it was all your fault

The street was light
filled to the brim
the most purest place

After a while
and it was no longer purely white

The dark showed up
the street lights came on
shadows were following behind

but then they were gone
and I was alone

Let me let go of the pain inside
I'm not sure anymore
about anything
I guess I was the dime in the dozen
because you just picked up something else
new and far better

I'm sorry I'm the replaceable one
I didn't realize you were that shallow
and I'm glad I grew up finally

I've learned to accept that I am alone
I may not be okay
but to you
it's fine
because I'm not important
at least not anymore

I'm the one that hurts you, right?
I'm the one that makes you miserable
I drag you down

Maybe I just need better friends
I'm better off alone anyway

I feel as though the world
has gone cold
especially without you
here right beside me

No one knows I cry in my sleep
I wake up feeling horrible
it is a normal procedure for me to feel like this
I'm feeling down
I want to stay home and never leave

Avoiding people isn't normal
but that's what I do for those I don't know
or anyone else I just can't be around
I'm scared of making conversation
and if there is a way around the crowd
I go away
even if it means going the long way somewhere

All my friends have somewhere to be
it's good for them
but I have nothing
I feel like I bother those around me
and I can't control how I feel

I sound mad and annoyed
but really that's my cry for help
my internal panicking keeps me from acting better

I stay up all night wondering why
I'm tired and nervous all the time
why I'm not important
I have so much time so I question everything

"It's just a phase in life"
"You can overcome it"
"Normally teens are prone to the emotions you feel"
"Why do you do this to yourself? Why make us worry?"

Oh well
why don't you tell me?

I've been wandering my whole life
trying to find this "missing piece"
The doctors have all told me that
medicine is what I need
but I don't think it's right
to be even more messed up than I was

Trying to breathe again
you messed up again
you made everyone worry about you
yeah I'm not okay
in the space that I've always been
but I'm suffocating
and wanting the world to end

Yet you can help your friends
without hesitation
you always help everyone else
and here you are killing yourself even more
Yeah I'm falling apart again
and I'm giving in
but I'm not letting go

That "missing piece"
that isn't some type of medicine
or someone else
maybe that can help
but it won't completely help on it's own
that "missing piece"
what I was searching for
it was my own will
self love
that's what it is called

You ignore me and deny it altogether
you're starting to really irritate me
and honestly it's driving me insane
so you better stop getting in my way

Unbelievable it'll hit you before you know it
all the people know
I am not afraid to cause a scene
by now you should know I do it all the time

"the world is ending today"
it said on a screen from the T.V
we're all messed up anyway
and the world isn't what it used to be
a place where we hate one another
and judge for people's race
or where they came from

A world where everything hadn't changed
like they had said in the history books
from back before our generation was born

"You're the generation of the future"
Oh, well I guess
you'll enjoy watching this world fall apart

everything should go back
to before people were created
it stands on the line
where humans are cruel

and there isn't any light
just a fragment of such
the sun will swallow us up anyways
and the planet would be no more
along with the others

There would just be open space
no more hate
just the memory of one

oh, wait
everyone would die
because it would be
The end of the world

This relentless world where
I am tormented beyond belief
However
here is an upside down Eden
Saying words that mean nothing
and those that cut in deep

A selfish heroine
with an immense taste
for her own medicine

Looking in the mirror
she said
"do you really represent justice?"