If you sometimes see doubt in my eyes when you tell me you’re here…
I’m sorry because it’s true that all I want is to have you near,
But a voice in the back of my mind replies to your words quiet but strong
With the words, “Yes.. But for how long..?”

Because although you don’t know it yet..
There will be no country home with a huge library for me to store my many loved volumes Where you can find me any time of the day.
Just to lay with me as I let the beautiful words roll of my ******* flood…
Because they always just seem to pulse through my very blood..
There will be no glen just inside the forest that - even if we have to clear it ourselves -
Will be the perfect place to train when the sky is clear and the winds warm..
There will be no training room with polished wood floors and walls of glass for us to train
Even if we would rather just go walking in the rain
Because we are both spirits of water..
Yes we both have fire within us also, but water is what we crave.
It is the flash of lighting, the roll of thunder, the sound of water falling from the sky
That brings up peace that will save.…

And it’s not that I don’t want these things..
Gods I want them with my whole heart,
But I have made choices which render those dreams null and void..
And may even force you to from me part..
Because although these choices mean never living with you..
Never sleeping beside you..
Never feeling your warmth by me every moment of every day..
Perhaps even make you stray..
I will never regret them..
Unless they cause me to lose you..
And that is what I worry about the most.

That is why my mind races.
Why the darkness in my soul swirls
My feet unable to stop their paces..
This instability is what truly my emotion kills.
And I can’t seem to remember which what is up and which is down
I honestly feel as if I’m going to drown…
Because I don’t want to lose you..
But because of all these things that I know and you don’t..
When you whisper to me that you are here…
Although all I will ever want is to have you near,
A voice in the back of my mind replies to your words quiet but strong..
With the words, “Yes.. But for how long..?”

I'm not sure what's worse
Getting your heart broken
Or waiting around for a love that will never come

Privilege: written on my skin
I swear I'm on your side
Though I lock my doors when you pass by.
Try to ignore what's within
The enraged masses to whom I spoke
Though I'm guilty of what's battered down their throats.
Get me by the *****
The phallicist marvelously displayed in power
Squeeze out every drop of lust; watch me shrivel and cower.
Place me within these walls
Walking along your glass ceiling as I dream
Fondling your ******* on behalf of the company.
I'm no passerby
Though I weave you on the street like a fleeting ghost
I serve like you're a growth and I'm the lucky host.
It's a **** good lie
To myself; believe I'm not guilty too
Of all the hate and greed that's crippling you.

Mrs. Claus was at the door
Making sure that Santa knew
He had to see the doctor
He must be there by two

Santa gruffed and grumbled
Said there's too much to be done
"You know I hate the doctor"
"The doctor's just no fun"

Mrs. Claus held fast and said
"You do this every year"
"and you always have a new excuse"
"when the appointment time is near"

Santa, said he'd do it
Although, it was done under duress
He could run an elven workshop
But the doctor, was more stress

He made it to the office
At two, precisely on the nose
The first thing the nurse said was
"Santa, take off all your clothes"

"You know we have to weigh you"
"It's in the contract that you signed"
"A little extra weight shift"
"Could get the sleigh all misaligned"

The scale said way past jolly
He was twenty pounds past plump
He was just below horrendous
Santa Claus was one fat lump

The doctor read the clipboard
And made a tsk tsk tsking sound
He said "Santa, you're much bigger"
"You're almost 5 full feet around"

"I have with me a letter"
"That the vet asked me to read"
"It says unless you drop some blubber"
"Four more reindeer you will need"

"Now, every story book out there"
"Names eight reindeer in line"
"And since you hired Rudolph"
"A lot have you with nine"

"But the vet now says you need thirteen"
"To get up in the sky"
"You've got to change your diet"
"Santa, please lay off the pie"

"I'm not saying all at once"
"But, you've got to drop some weight"
"Or, you'll be dropping gifts by plane"
"And you'll still be over weight"

Santa tried a little laugh,
Not a full out ** ** **
Truth be told, he'd lose his breath
He knew the weight would have to go

He got down off the table
Put on his hat, and Santa Suit
He looked as red as ever
When he tried to reach his boot

The doctor said "Good God Man"
"You can't go up like that"
Santa said "I'm fine doc"
"The kids want a Santa that is fat"

"There's a difference between jolly"
"Like the elf you're supposed to be"
"But Santa, count your chins man,"
"I lose count at twenty three"

"The elves are under orders"
"Not to load the magic sleigh"
"Until you commit to weight loss"
"And you promise right away"

"I know that you are Santa"
"And for this I may get coal"
"But, your wife, Santa...she scares me"
"She said she'd put me in a hole"

"Santa, lose some poundage"
"Give it just a little try"
"It's not right...thirteen reindeer"
"Flying through the Christmas sky"

"I know it's confidential"
"what has happened here today"
"But, Santa...I will tell her"
"If you don't...and right away"

Santa, said he'd try to
He said "just tell me what to do"
"Truth be told there doctor"
"The woman scares me too!!!"

You made it clear that you moved on
without texting me "happy birthday"
five months ago.
That's what we always did, even
when we fell out.
Now it's your turn to turn twenty
and I don't know how to deal with this situation.
I want to let you know
that I think of you all the way home
rooted in thoughts that wonder
what our lives would be like if we still talked.
I want to let you know
because you ignored me
I do not want to ignore you,
but I feel that given with your apathetic, unexisted reply,
I have no choice.

I know I've been looking the wrong way
I've been trying,
trying for all my days
for something i know
is never going happen
no matter what they say.
that one day I'm gonna be perfect
that one day practice will make me:
perfect,
perfect in every way
but i know the truth now;
see I've been practicing and practicing every day
yet it always ends
the exact same way.
you didn't try
try hard enough
well how much is enough?

so maybe I'm not perfect
but you know what they say:
perfect is just too boring
to live with everyday.