Missing and regret
veil the morning
the sun's heat
won't break the chill
I seek sanctuary
in the kitchen
dogs at my feet  
vigilantly hoping
I'll drop something

I let them outside
to run and sniff
the frosty folds
for coyote and raccoon
while I take in the view
the Sound so sun-bright
it mists my eyes
blue Cascades beyond
dipped in new snow

I wish to be
that pristine
no footprints
marring my surface
all I ever was
but will never
be again
frozen, buried
gone beneath.

Chained to a fate
Surrounded by a fire
Its searing flames lick
Bruises and burns
All over my soul
An infernal pain
A suffocating misery
Scratching the soul
Leaving me tormented
Every now & then
Oh thee lord
Grant me salvation
Or else
Break my chains
And set my spirit free

If you sometimes see doubt in my eyes when you tell me you’re here…
I’m sorry because it’s true that all I want is to have you near,
But a voice in the back of my mind replies to your words quiet but strong
With the words, “Yes.. But for how long..?”

Because although you don’t know it yet..
There will be no country home with a huge library for me to store my many loved volumes Where you can find me any time of the day.
Just to lay with me as I let the beautiful words roll of my ******* flood…
Because they always just seem to pulse through my very blood..
There will be no glen just inside the forest that - even if we have to clear it ourselves -
Will be the perfect place to train when the sky is clear and the winds warm..
There will be no training room with polished wood floors and walls of glass for us to train
Even if we would rather just go walking in the rain
Because we are both spirits of water..
Yes we both have fire within us also, but water is what we crave.
It is the flash of lighting, the roll of thunder, the sound of water falling from the sky
That brings up peace that will save.…

And it’s not that I don’t want these things..
Gods I want them with my whole heart,
But I have made choices which render those dreams null and void..
And may even force you to from me part..
Because although these choices mean never living with you..
Never sleeping beside you..
Never feeling your warmth by me every moment of every day..
Perhaps even make you stray..
I will never regret them..
Unless they cause me to lose you..
And that is what I worry about the most.

That is why my mind races.
Why the darkness in my soul swirls
My feet unable to stop their paces..
This instability is what truly my emotion kills.
And I can’t seem to remember which what is up and which is down
I honestly feel as if I’m going to drown…
Because I don’t want to lose you..
But because of all these things that I know and you don’t..
When you whisper to me that you are here…
Although all I will ever want is to have you near,
A voice in the back of my mind replies to your words quiet but strong..
With the words, “Yes.. But for how long..?”

These winds on that late evening sunset,
Bringing wisps of the broken past.
Atop the concrete terrace did I sit,
Watching the heaviness ebbing away.
Far away did they go,
With these winds that rushed past me.
To the abode of entombed dreams,
Where the land never meets the horizon.

blue notes
blue smoke
conversations, ****!
no solid occupation
dreams shatter, wither within