i want my perfume
to be your
favorite
smell

i want you
to hold me
closer
than you've ever
held anyone

i wish you
were here
to tell me
i will be
okay

the more and more i reminisce the more i realize the love you gave me wasn't meant for me

i was your pretty illusion
and i was your garbage dump
for all your whole lies
and half truths

i bit my lip and felt sick for you
but no amount of sick was enough
for you to want to learn me
to know me
to understand

you made me climb to the tallest mountains and scream out the name of a boy i never understood because he didn't want me to know who he was.

He looked back into his childhood, back into the dusty, rural town he grew up in. It was a sparse and boring place, houses separated by large fields and the roads into the town proper were just dirt. Even though the town itself didn't have much to offer him, these years were the ones he looked back on most fondly. He would spent hours in the dark attic with a flashlight, reading dusty old books a father he never knew left for him. That, and the pictures left behind were the only connections he had to the man.  They had the same ears.

Warning, 25%

He was raised by his lonely mother, who did the best she could to provide for his insatiable curiosity, but he still occasionally saw the deep sadness in her eyes, especially when she looked out the windows. She never seemed to be looking at anything in particular.  She always made sure he had plenty of books to read, as he went through them as most young boys go through pants. His mother was very proud of her son, who every day was looking more and more like his father.

Warning, 20%

He didn't make friends very easily, but he never felt he needed them. Knowledge was the only thing he really wanted, so it wasn't a surprise to anyone when he worked as hard as he could to get into the best college available. He studied and studied and studied, and somehow in between he met his wife there. She was the most beautiful creature he'd ever met, and he loved her dearly. He did, didn't he?

Warning, 15%

They had a son together, and he loved his family, but nothing could have ever interfered with his love for the unknown. And what's the greatest unknown there is? Space, of course! Any time he didn't spend reading was usually spent staring at the dark, light spotted sky. It wasn't long until all of his texts were replaced with astronomy textbooks and journals, and his family no longer had any hope of reaching him.

Warning, 10%

He'd always felt out of place. He never craved the affection of others, and as a result he never experienced what it felt like to be home. It never really bothered him though, because he was too busy reading and studying and learning. Now though, he wonders if it was really a taste for knowledge, or actually just a search for home.

Warning, 5%

He stared off into the darkness all around him, nothing to touched for millions upon millions of miles. He drifted endlessly through the dark, with small lights surrounding him. He took a deep breath.

Finally, he was home.

i don't think i could ever be interested in the things that you do with your other friends

willingly taking things into your body to cause you to see things that aren't there

do you know what i would give so that i couldn't see the things that aren't there?

i can't be alone at night without the lights on and the doors locked

because i keep seeing them out of the corners of my eyes

help me please help me

i haven't slept

i don't know who i am anymore

why won't you let me focus on you? they disappear as soon as i look their way

why are they here

what do they want

please help me

i will never make the mistake
of letting anyone that close to me
ever again

it's gone too far
too long
too fast

it's been too much
too soon

it's not your fault, not really
but you deserve someone
who knows exactly
what they want

you just have bad timing

You're a liar
a sinner
You're no good at all
I don't know what you're looking for
but I hope you don't find it
you tore me apart looking
and didn't bother to fix
the mess of me you created.

I'll pick myself up
and dust myself off
I don't need your help
I never needed it.

i want to be someone you can talk to
unload your struggles on,
let me hear them
i'll offer advice, if necessary
but above everything
i'll be an ear to listen
a shoulder to cry on
someone to hug you
to hold you when you're down

i'll be your distraction
i'm here to soften the blows
quiet the loud noises
and maybe boop your nose
whatever will help,
whatever you need,
i'm always here

a strange world we live in
where i can hear
your last moments
and feel a connection to you
although you can't feel
anything

anymore

how do you learn yourself after years
of ignoring what that could be
chasing after dreams of potential popularity
so you write down your incomplete thoughts
as a means to get to know yourself

can't act like a person you don't know
unless you start trying

bind my wrists in silk
tenderly tie me up
sweetly sharpen your knives
and don't hold your tongue

tell me you like me
tell me you see me
for who I am
and who I was meant to be.
gently create cuts in my skin,
and get to know what's inside

Sent Jun 29th, 12:10am

i just want someone to want me
to fall in love with my personality
and not the temporary
aspects of me

my clammy my hands grasp on to my humanity as bit by bit slips through my fingers creating a more numb version of self what's left of me i don't like one bit but i can't help it i am trying and trying to hold on to once was as it floats in the air like the balloons on my thirteenth and the string gets too high much much too high and i yearn and i grasp and it slides from my fingertips up and up and away and away and i can't give a **** i'm a husk of what could be what once was floating through the stars i loved you i loved you i really did try but it wasn't enough not enough time not enough love not enough life
i lost myself and i can't find her and what's left of me can't care to try

who knows if you're still looking
who really cares?
I've written multiple messages I've never sent
and I never will send them.

I will probably never talk to you again.

I spent so long being bitter over the words and actions you gave that hurt me that bruised me and left me distrustful and angry

but honestly

I was the one who allowed you to walk all over me
I was the one who let you come inside, decorate me the way you felt I should be

I was the one who let you use me.

I was your muse,
I was your lover,
I was your project,
I was your excuse.

And that's okay.

becoming so in tune with my emotions feels like a mistake

I wish I could take it back and learn how to fall asleep sober

I've wanted to **** myself since I was 12. I don't know when it started or how, but there are many whys. New reasons have come every year, and old reasons have an interesting staying power that you wouldn't really expect. Sure, I forgive. My traumas are not the result of active hate towards me. They are ramifications, small waves from a rock dropped in a pool that gently washed over me and through me, caking salt in the fundamental components of my heart and soul. They are me and they are not me. I've made so much progress, and I have so much to be proud of but I'm not. I try to convince myself I am in conversations with my friends, mother, therapist. You're so eloquent, they say. So introspective. Am I? I'm just lying. I'm only happy when I'm ******, drunk or both. Sometimes I seem okay sober, and sometimes I'm more okay than others. Even when I'm more okay I still want to die. I could be driving down the road listening to my favorite songs and I will still think of five separate things I can do to **** myself. But it seems selfish. My mother has brought me into this life, not exactly intentionally but she raised me the best she could and has a lot of pride in the woman she thinks she's caused. My friends rely on me for support, or even advice on how to help other friends because "they know I've been though this already" as if it's not still happening. I don't want to **** myself. Not really. I want to disappear like ******* Hermione, you know? Just forgotten, no one gets hurt. I'm loved. But it's not enough.

My heart is so full of love but none of it is for me.

I want to create love for myself inside my own heart.

I want to understand I am fundamentally flawed without hating myself for those flaws.

I want to give myself the same benefits I do others.

I want to hold myself to the same standards as I do my friends.

I want to feel good. Whole. But for now i feel empty.

I guess it's easier to put it into a four letter word but it still doesn't hold the same. I hated you for a short time and now I just want you to understand what you've done and how much it affects others. You live your life pleasing yourself and feeling bad for yourself and using others for your pleasure and I, in the time I've known you, ever seen you truly care for another past what they could do for you. Sure, you're good at pretending, but as soon as someone stops doing what you want, they don't matter to you any more. And that's what I've become.
-
I was a temporary masturbatory aid that you pretended to lay feelings in until I became a real person to you.

It's absolutely incredible that something as small and meaningless as i feel my existence to be can find something so incredible as you in my lifetime
You have small galaxies in your eyes, warm light brown surrounded by shiny green where so many great ideas live and breathe and thrive
You have strong shoulders and arms from a sustainable work of lifting and carrying and moving and helping and i cannot help but feel anything but safe wrapped in them
I've known you fully for so long and it's been simply amazing to watch you become the man you are today and i feel so incredibly lucky to take a part of it

I hope you sleep next to me just as you are now for the rest of our lives

I miss the me I was at the peak of my eating disorder. She was worse than me, but more distracted. She had purpose. Talent. Control. She knew how to get through a day and she knew how to stay small. She loved the way her body was changing. Now she is small. Pushed back to the furthest corners of my mind, until I look in a mirror. Then she is quickly hushed. I miss her ideas and her thoughts. But mostly I miss how much I don't remember from being her.

I dreamt about you last night.
It's been months
since the last one

I dreamt that you missed me
And it made me feel better
like I was worth something to you

You saved the things I gave you
In a brown shoebox in your closet
and you showed them to me
one last time
-
I woke up with a bitter taste in my mouth, which also reminded me of you.

Internal conflict is a mental or emotional struggle that occurs within a character
External conflict is a struggle that occurs between a character and outside forces, which could be another character or the environment.*

what i want vs. what is safe
what i need vs. what i want
what i think vs. what i know

and i don't know much other than what i've been told
but it's hardest to tell if what i'm told is the truth
or the shadows of what i want to be the truth
and what you want me to think

and i want you to want me to think
i want you to want to permeate my thoughts
crack open my sternum and pick apart my little ribs
and find your way into my heart

if i were to be asked how i was feeling i'd probably tell you i was fine. i wouldn't be lying, but you're not actually asking because you want to know, you're making conversation and that's okay. if i were to be asked how i was really really feeling, it'd be best described as a gaping hole in my chest. it's getting hard to breathe when i'm alone and i get the shakes so bad i can't fall asleep. i haven't been eating as well as i should and i know that probably factors in but if i look at all the facts objectively i am definitely, truly fine. i have those who love me and i'm happy in my personal relationships and even if i wasn't i have the constant companionship of a pet cat and the support of my mother and i'm doing everything i'm supposed to be doing. and i guess there doesn't have to be a reason to feel this way it's a neurological problem and it can just occur with no rhyme or reason but that being a fact almost makes it worse. i feel determined to find a reason to find something to be insecure of to solve the mystery of why i've been feeling this way but the answer isn't clear and it's frustrating.

pt. 2

my bones are made of iron and i am strong-willed and cautious. i don't need anything but my own determination to get better and i'm confident that i will.

I don't mind that you leave,
but I constantly crave your touch
and your warmth

I wanted you to never let go of me.

slowly walk into the bathroom
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
step onto the cold linoleum
the cold hurts your feet
slip your skin off
wash off the mask
you don't need it right now
kneel to the cabinet
under the sink
pull out the small square
put it on the floor
in front of your feet
deep breathing exercises
count to ten
again and again
one step forward
right foot to match
clenched fists, white knuckles, shut eyes
count to ten

the number blinks at you
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've gained
you've GAINED
YOU'VE GAINED
the room becomes smaller
you drop to your knees
warm tears roll down your cheeks
move closer to the porcelain
both hands taking turns in your mouth
get it out
get it out
get it out
get it out
now

a deep breath, a sigh of relief, the sound of harsh running water
you won't eat tomorrow
you don't deserve it

I've lived a life without emotion
Repressed feelings and thoughts
But nothing can hold so tightly to anger
As my whitened knuckles can,
absolutely desperate to not let go.

I once knew a girl named Mary
With long blonde curls and dark brown eyes
She knows the depths of me that no one reaches
I wonder if she can remember me,

and I wonder if she writes

I've spent so much time in my own head I'm not sure if I know how to leave anymore

Sometimes I look out the windows and think about the things that could be

Then I turn away and go back to where it's warm and comfortable.

Recently, i cracked the window a little;
the breeze is nice.

your voice was as toxic as poison
and as alluring as a new song
trapped in your cycles
I found myself

I broke out, I broke free
I'm healthier than I could ever wish to be
I threw myself into school, work
I'm making new friends

I smoke a lot more, sure
but that's not the worst it could be
I haven't lost any weight
and I'm saving my money, see

So leave me be! Leave me alone!
Your toxins don't deserve my mind

where did you sleep last night?
in your own bed or the arms of another
trapped facing the corner
screams running through your mind

it's easy to do and it happens to the best
over and over and over
the emotions running over your chest
each a new kind of noise echoing
in your ears? in your soul
in your being through and through

your pale face, unrecognizable
Distraught
your mouth forms the words but they won't come out
You killed him! you killed him! you killed him!
blood on your hands, streaks on your face
Who? Who was he?
a young boy, no more than three
innocence, a feeling,
Where? Where is he?
I scream and I scream and I scream

and no sound comes out,

Who am I to be deserving of such intense emotion?
But I can't imagine who else I would be
I wouldn't trade anything about myself because it gives me the perspective I deserve
Humble and cautious; unabashedly me
the slight differences that could be, would be
A butterfly effect
A small subtlety
and an entire different self

But what I desire is what others can give me
Attention and affection is what makes me feel good,
what makes anyone feel good.
I don't deserve it more
than anyone else
But I may want it more
Or else I'll find it in inhuman devices
where the devil himself has taken part
Luring me into things one should not rely
but I can't sleep without him
and he understands his hold.
The idea of commitment entices me,
one person to love me for the rest of my days
But what else? Whom else?
Love is freedom and flowers and chocolate cake
And I can't eat it and expect it to be there the next day.

I remember making fun because "jo" was a boys name and I didn't apologize until there were tears in your eyes
I remember your long curly blonde hair and your crooked teeth
The baby fat on your face
The freckles across your nose
I remember you better than I remember him
We were only eight or nine
Falling in line
One After the other

But I've fallen in love with you over the years,
Thinking of you tenderly only when it hurts the most
And I desperately hope you're okay
(Or at least as okay as I claim to be)

i have memories of being told
on an old science show
that everything is matter
everything is something
just because you can't see it
doesn't mean it isn't there
a person is a person
no matter how small
but oh, how small i feel
compared to you
your magnificence is
unparalleled
incomparable
and the lessons i've learned
of equality and importance
have no meaning here
because it's not meant
to be you vs me
it's a matter of opinion
and everything is matter
even the smallest speck
compared to the biggest tree
unbelievable
that we could have the same
origins
come from the same
matter
at the beginning of time
beginning of life
beginning of me
beginning of you
we're all the same
but we're oh so different
you're the greatest building
the tallest
standing 2,722 ft tall
in dubai
and i am the smallest city
0.17 square miles
population 783
and my deep breathing
exercises
aren't working like
they should
i want to be lovely
for you
i'm not worthy
to be received
in the same manner
i receive you
but everything is matter
and everything is something
and a person is a person
no matter how small

i feel a desperate need to apologize
but i have nothing to be sorry for

sorry for not being ready?
sorry for not believing you
(when you've given me evidence
to prove the opposite of your words)?

the more and more you opened up
the more and more i began to see
the parts of me that i hate the most
inside of you
(and you didn't bother to hide it)

you never bothered to know me
you only bothered to know
your interpretation of me
and it was wrong
(don't argue with me)

i am not everything you hoped i'd be
and i'm sorry for that
but you did this to yourself

i know exactly what you're going through
i know exactly how you feel
but please
just
shut the **** up

(you never listened to me anyway)

I don't want to think about you anymore

I can't get the things you said to me out of my head

Please just let me sleep

i don't know why you still reach out to me
when i give you no arms to grab on to
your name makes me angry and nervous
and i couldn't care less what you want from me

but maybe i do give the you benefit of the doubt
too much
but i'll be ****** if you see me care enough to
respond in little grey text
Seen.

nothing compares to the empty feeling
that you've left inside of me.
you tell me lovely words,
and then leave me alone
to my own thoughts and creations
i never wanted to love you
but here we are
here i am
alone and confused
and i can't tell you
oh no, no way
you'll judge me
hate me
the way you do to my opinions
my dreams, wishes
my thoughts
you're no good
not for me
not at all
a bad friend
a worse lover
but wow, if i could change you
now wouldn't that be something
make you kinder, more open,
more willing to talk to me,
like you once did
more understanding, more caring
less cold and distant
less painful and agonizing
more appreciative and mannerly
and maybe if you made me cry
a little bit less
with your take take take
and only enough give
to make me crave more and more

wow, if i could change you
now wouldn't that be something

pale yellow, for the dreams
for when I wake up screaming
yet can't remember in the morning

for when I wake up scared
but don't know why

for when I toss and turn,
to write the reasons for every motion.

baby pink, for the thoughts
for when I order something extra
in the drive thru

for when I chew gum instead of a meal,
or convince myself a glass of water is enough

for when I eat nuts or crackers
and convince myself that the substance is better than nothing
.
and yet their pages are blank.

in two year's time
you won't remember
my favorite color
or my favorite food

in five year's time
you won't remember
the texture of my hair
or the feel of my skin

in ten year's time
you won't remember
my name or my hair color
except that they were both odd

in fifteen year's time
you won't remember
exactly what i looked like
(were her eyes blue or green?)
except that you thought i was pretty

in twenty year's time
you won't remember
me at all

except when you're hanging out at the bar
with the guys from work
and you talk about young romance
and you say
"there was once this girl,
but i can't remember
her name"

i think you're perfect
but i don't think we would be
your personality is softer
but your feelings and actions
are much harsher

if i were raised a little less like my mother
wanted me to be
showing me what not to do
as she placed the cigarette between her lips
maybe we would have been more alike

i know your internal struggles and feelings
all too well
as they are ones i've experienced before
and experience now

although your friends problems seem
all too real
as compared to mine
which are all in my head

although i'm still having dreams about him,
you're what i thought about
when i first woke up

i hope that's okay

I scream into the trees,
"I want to leave!"

and they whisper, through the voice of the wind,
you can't,
you can't,
You can't.

i haven't been able to find something to wash out the bitter taste you've left in my mouth.

except maybe *****, but that only works for the night, and it's unreliable.
drinking because i'm sad usually just leaves me sad and drunk,
and that's not a good place to be either.

but the ability to forget what you've done to me is worth the risk, so i'll drink alone. i'll drink with friends. whatever i can get my hands on, really. and maybe i'll think about you, and maybe i won't. but it doesn't matter, because maybe i'll fall asleep.

and maybe i won't have bad dreams.

It's easy to fall back into old habits
Old dim places that are all too familiar
Might not be where you wanted to be
May have lost a lot of pages
But it's warm here in the dark
-
Waking up has never been easy
Especially when you're already conscious
Knowing what needs to be done has always been easy
I just can't remember how to start
-
Three different notebooks
Right now they just make me feel bad
But maybe with consistent record
I'll find the patterns and save myself faster
-
I want to help the me I'll become
I've stuck up for myself when I normally wouldn't
I'm going somewhere, someday, somehow
Thirty steps forward, ten steps back

A man's influence is not one that he himself can fully comprehend
A man's influence is not one easily seen until much, much too late

I don't know what he felt in his last hours and I can't tell you the last time I thought of him before now but I can tell you I am heartbroken in a way I never could have expected

And I'm sure neither did he.

i believe that a glass is half empty
or half full
depending on which way
the liquid is going
if you fill it halfway
it is half full
if you dump out half
it is half empty

i feel like half of me
has been dumped out
and i can't manage to care
about him or you
all i want to do is hurt myself
"because i probably
have it coming anyway"
and i'm sorry

i know it's a lie
i do care
i care a lot
but i feel so numb
i don't feel care right now
and i'm sorry

and all i want to do
is be drunk
and be touched
and be loved
and i don't know
if it's a good idea
because you are broken and so am i
and i am sorry

and in less than four hours
you will know
exactly how
broken
i am
and i am sorry

your smile is incredible
your laughter is incomparable
your voice is unlike anything
i've ever heard before

your hands are delicate
your eyes are intricate
your words simply shake me
right down to my core

it's selfish to wish
that you would
one day
smile and laugh
because of me

i don't see any benefits to your existence
you are a waste of space
i don't want you in my life
you are an awful excuse for a man

"but he is your father
and he loves you"
has become overused

you are not the man of my childhood
he would never have said
or done
the things you have
where is he?
where are you?

it's safe to say that i do believe in soul mates
and you're the closest i've found
through feelings and thoughts and weather and boys
you'll be a constant source of comfort and reassurance
as we brace the cold front of adulthood together
and bare our souls out to each other
during dark and drunken nights
to the tune of top 20 pop music
and you're the only one
i've found safe
to consider
forever with

i know this is just what i'm like because this is how i've felt every time i've gotten emotionally close to someone and i don't want to tell you what's wrong and i don't want to admit that i am sad inside because you like me well enough as it is and i don't want to ruin that. i don't want you to worry about me because i know i'll be fine and i'll be better and this sadness i've felt inside for the past six years doesn't define me and doesn't determine whether or not i should be loved. if anything love is something i know i deserve and maybe will help the effects the sadness has on me but i know how it feels to be hurt and my mind tries to pick and choose certain moments to try and disprove everything that you've told me because how? i look in the mirror and i can't see what you see and although that doesn't mean it isn't there they say seeing is believing and how can i believe something i don't see? my legs ache and my stomach hurts and the emptiness in my chest wants me, begs me to find some sort of control and i can't. this isn't something that is able to be controlled or manipulated. it happens or it doesn't, and that's just it.

i suppose there is a lot of unsung symbolism in giving someone a plant, as plants have become an average gift to give in occasions of celebration, such as moving into a new home or graduating from school.

every moment i am with you is a cause for celebration.
you are a celebration.

no matter how many plants i can give you to put on the windowsill in your bedroom will symbolize the celebration i feel in knowing you to it's true color.

because i feel fireworks in my chest brighter and louder than the ones we kissed under and i feel happier and bubblier with you than drinking the alcohol i like to drink too much of and you give me more pleasant thoughts than the color i chose to paint the walls of my bedroom

and no matter how many poems i write
and no matter how many words i say
none of them quite amount to the sheer immensity of what i feel for you

i used to always have bruises on my knees from the cold tile of the bathroom floor. the texture and the goosebumps is what i really miss, although i think that's the strangest thing about it.

why would i remember that part so vividly?
and why did i bruise so easily?

it means so little but it says so much
that the details are what i focus on the most
the feel of running my fingers over the porcelain
and how it was always so cold to the touch

i never remember why
but i remember the encouragement
the desperation
the tears in the mirror
the tearing at my skin
and the small woman with an accent
over the deli counter
who motivated me to get better

i've never been with anyone
who i didn't understand
i've never loved someone
who wasn't close at hand

but i must admit
it's very bland
to be with someone
you must command

where ****** favors earn you yours
earn you niceties
earn you plans

i need someone who isn't
swayed
attached
infatuated
latched
just because of the things i can do with my mouth