i put the things
you gave me
at the top
of my closet

so i don't have to look
so i don't have to think

i don't love you anymore

(i'm sorry i broke it)

it's hard to face the eternal grandeur of the cosmos
where every dark, empty space is full of mysteries
that are unfathomable distances away


i wonder if the star i'm looking at tonight
in the space on it's left, a couple million light years past
has a planet with a being
who feels the same things i do
while looking at the sky

as i stand, naked, before a full length mirror
i look at myself in confusion
and i desperately search for why
in every crease and line
throughout every dimple and bone
in between the spider veins and stretch marks
pale skin and scars
this isn't beauty

as i lay, naked, in the warmth of your arms
i look at you with sincerity
and i calmly understand why
in every crease and line
throughout every dimple and bone
in between your blonde hair and blue eyes
pale skin and scars
this is beauty

you're just like the others
i don't want to be with you
i've learned my lessons
and you're only out to hurt me
saying you cared about me was a lie
you only care about yourself
and you want me to fix you
since you can't fix yourself

i'm not your band-aid
i'm not your babe

pour into the palm of your hand
lather gently though your hair
rinse and repeat
rinse and repeat
until you're clean of me

when i was a child i had a siamese cat
we found him, alone, abandoned
outside of our home
we took him with us when we left

he never liked to be inside too much
but he loved me with all of his soul
refusing to leave me be and
resting on my lap until my legs were numb

he was aggressive and mean to his own kind
never letting other cats wander upon
his territory, but he expressed a tolerance
for the young kittens next door

one day he began searching the house
climbing into the bathtubs, across furniture
on the counters, meowing incessantly
until he decided to go outside

we opened the door for him and he happily
trotted away, and in the morning we
discovered he found what he was searching for
he was searching for a place to die.

there is a very
large disconnect
between what you think of me
and what i see in the mirror
(and it feels really nice
but i wish i was the only one)

when 815 miles becomes 2214.5 miles
and 10 miles becomes 478.3
at least i know i'll still have you here with me
because with everyone's lives continuing
and ours not
i have a vague hope that
you'll be forced to try
and be here for me

(and it's probably the saddest thought
that you are the closest
that you are staying
but i miss you the most)

i don't want to date you
you're unemotional
walled off
if we were going to connect
we would have already

you don't put much effort
you don't respond to my messages
although i try to be there
a constant variable
for you

i understand that you don't mean it
to be a negative thing
it's just how you are
you see everything i send
and sometimes you mention them to me
whenever i make enough effort
to get you to see me

regardless of how understanding i can be
i don't want to keep you
i don't want to own you
i don't want you to be mine

i just want to feel your lips against my neck
and your nails dragging harshly across my skin

sensually wrapped in thin skin
barely enough to hold anything in
she gave you all she had
and you wonder why she's left mad
when you couldn't appreciate anything more
than the curves of her body and the way she tore
her clothes off for you,
and you have no clue
the world wasn't made with you at the center
and you can't hold her down until you find better
to suit your tastes and wants and desire
and now she's on fire, fire, fire
her trust is gone

you travel alone sometimes, to distant stars, to the distant future
you go where you're needed but not where you're wanted
delicately walking, your presence undisturbing of the dirt below you

you make the greatest impact to yourself only
an observer, a thinker
trying to make things slightly brighter

I'm scared to be alone sometimes, and selfish too
I go where I'm wanted but not where I'm needed
and I pick blossoms off of trees and put them in my hair
and I leave footprints in the mud

your need to be alone is fascinating, taking in sights, colors, sounds, smells,
with no one to share it with

I admire your strength and willpower, you admire my desires and the flowers in my hair

I hope once you reach new lands, where the ground is softer and the trees glisten in the light of their star,
you think to yourself,

"she would like it here."

with death comes new breath
new life, love, longing
a grand sense of belonging
and a fresh taste of hope
that what was once broken
can be restored once more

flowers will continue to grow between the cracks of the pavement
and trees will continue to escape towards the skies
and I will continue to love you in each breath I take, even when it slightly singes my lungs

i'm ******* honored
to be the exception

to be the only girl
you think is cute
with short hair
because of your stupid generalized rule
that short hair is unattractive

*******
and **** that your compliments
no matter how backwards
still make me happy

A longing for the places I've never been
And a longing for the unknown
Because maybe it's better than this
Perpetual cycles and lists
To Do lists
Grocery lists
Lists of symptoms for my therapist
since I seem so happy in our sessions
Thanks, I'm dissociating
And I have no sense of self

I want to run
I want to leave
I want to scream

I'm just too young

a lot of the emotions I've once felt are nothing but distant memories
small faded parts of me that are hidden deep within,
reignited by specific switches that come in all sorts of shapes and sizes

small faded parts of me tucked away so neatly and carefully
as to forget they were ever a part of me until they are randomly selected to switch on once again.

I've never really been sure who I am or what I'm for, but I know I'm sure I'm going to die one day, and sometimes that's comforting enough.

i've actively avoided
listening to the music
that my father used to

i suppose it's ironic
that this is the only thing
that expresses how you
made me feel

maybe my warnings at the start
weren't enough

maybe you thought my feelings
had changed

maybe i thought my feelings
had changed

"i will find a center in you"

it wasn't fair to either of us
i've given you
too much reason
to write

i just wish i could feel something

i am so lonely

this was the summer i fell in love with you
and it was wrong of me
i was dating someone else, i know
but i always wonder if you remember
the car ride home from the festival
when you told me you thought
i was beautiful?
and you made me smile so much
but i couldn't accept my feelings
and i never embraced them
and when i was alone again
you were already gone
and i wonder when you'll come back
because i really miss you a lot
and i've made a lot of mistakes
and you've seen me cry about them
but even if you never ever feel the same
i miss just watching movies together
on my couch
until 3am
and falling asleep on your shoulder
and i just miss you being here for me

(do you still think i'm pretty?
i'm starting to think you hate me)

i can't be alone with my thoughts
so i douse them in alcohol and fire
and revel in the burning deep within
the constructs of my chest

nothing makes sense anymore
my intuition is lost
and the fire isn't warm enough

The way I hate you washes over me in waves. The weight of the water crushes my rib cage, and I want to scream louder than I've ever screamed before.

The way I love you tears at me from the inside out. My heart bursts under the pressure of the pain you've given me, and I want to scream louder than I've ever screamed before.

Physical pain is incomparable to this.

Your attitude towards pop culture.* Just because I happen to enjoy things like pop music and those stupid little round chapsticks doesn't mean I deserve to be belittled by you.

2. Your inability to move on. Okay, so she didn't like you back. Alright, that really *****. I understand. It's not the end of the world, either, and shouldn't have hurt you quite nearly this much for this long.

3. You make everything about you. Maybe if you spent as much time trying to know me as you did talking about yourself we wouldn't be where we are.

4. You will lie to get what you want. Yeah, you ****** up. You brought up the major "L" word incredibly too soon. It's fine. You were drunk, and I got my space. But as soon as you edged near the concept again and I caught you, you immediately back-tracked and tried to make me think you were still what I wanted.

5. Your classic manipulative tendencies. I understand self-hate. I really do. But it's not okay to use your own self-hate as a tool to make me feel guilty.

6. You're immature. Sure, I don't claim to be absolutely perfect. I'm an eighteen year old girl, I have a long way to go. But after not talking to me for three days, isn't it a bit *young of you to delete me off of every single social networking you can think of off the top of your head? I understand a clean break, but you didn't even try to talk to me first and measure my feelings.

7. You're passive-aggressive. It's really cute how you would write negative and mean things about me where you know I would be able to see them. Really cute.

8. You didn't want to know me. I opened up to you. I truly did. I expressed many things to you that took a lot of time and work to be able to express to my therapist, a person who I literally pay to talk to about my problems. But, unfortunately, anything that didn't fit in the schema you shoved me into, you promptly forgot.

9. You never listened to me. I told you exactly what I wanted. Exactly what I was looking for. You told me you could do this, but as soon as you wanted something else, you fought tooth and nail for that instead, completely disregarding any feelings I may have had about it.

10. You're probably going to read this. Leave me alone. I pushed you away because of the reasons above, not because I'm pushing everyone away. Feeling lonely and writing about it doesn't mean I don't have close friends that I talk to and love very much. Which I suppose you'd know, if you bothered to know me.

you get on my last nerve
you never want to talk to me
you tell me i'm your best friend
then you completely ******* off
for someone better

i really want to hate you
we've been friends for too long
but you never notice when i'm angry
you don't care when i'm upset
you're not there when i need you

but oh god
when you're drunk
off of tequila sunrise
and i'm drunk
off of a margarita
i love the way you want me

four pink, three blue, five yellow, two green
i don't know how you manage to make it seem
so easy
to get up in the morning
to go to sleep at night
to sleep soundly
to do your job
everything you're supposed to
i don't know what i'm meant to do

four pink, three blue, five yellow, six green
what is it all supposed to mean
i didn't ask to be here
i have no effect
no purpose
nothing more than another girl
who writes a lot

five pink, four blue, six yellow, eight green
never really been too keen
never good, no good
useless, worthless
and sad

you have an amazing ability
to avoid the blame
that is rightfully yours

a truly amazing talent
to justify your actions
to yourself

i never said i was absolutely perfect
but wow! you're not handling this well

and i guess neither am i
because now that i've had time to myself
i'm ashamed to find
that i am in fact
missing you

driving down a windy road 35 miles per hour at seven thirty in the evening with flowers and balloons in the back seat shouldn't have ended with me being suspended sideways for thirty minutes while they tried to make it safe to get me out of what was left of my first car and no matter how many times i draw a bath i can't get rid of the feeling of my left hand covered in my own blood and the small slivers of glass that are still in my hands or the swollen over-sized bruises that adorn my legs and my face  

and regardless of the scent of lavender and apples i cant look at my damaged body anymore

did you ever really love me at all?

I want to like everybody.
the cashier, the man with his dog, a woman
crossing the street
my coworkers, my interactions

and yet despite trying my hardest there are just a few who leave a sour taste in my mouth
some just don't leave an impression
I've tried and tried and tried
but it ***** the energy out of me faster than they'd notice a sliver of effort, difference

I'm tired! I've slept eight hours and I'm still tired!
my body aches and my muscles tighten
Trying to be the best, kindest, most generous I can be
Treating others the way I want to be treated
And getting walked over like a stone gravel path
unnoticed, unappreciated
and with every step my heart breaks
But I don't want to close myself
I don't want to build up walls of brick, stone, metal
I don't want to stop loving and trying for the ones that are hard
Because what does that make me?

your hand in mine feels like where its meant to be
and next to me in my bed is where you're meant to be
holding me when i'm half awake at 5am
in the soft light of morning

you're so warm and familiar
yet so distant and new
i don't know what you want with me yet
but i hope for the best.

She brewed herself a cup of coffee,
her husband already fed.
Sent off into the horizon
with provisions and well wishes
and kind professions of love
to keep his heart warm.

She brewed herself a cup of coffee.
She'd lain in bed an extra hour,
Awake,
hands reaching to the spot where her husband belongs.
She sips on her coffee
two sugars, splash of cream,
and stares at the bleak horizon.

She brewed herself another cup of coffee,
she wasn't going to sleep anyway.
The rain pours and pours, the wind rattles the windows
and her fragile frame.
She tries to quiet her thoughts with reading
and she lays on the right side of the bed.

She brews herself another cup of coffee,
and it tastes extra bitter,
but it's the coffee she's always had.
She sleeps on the left side, as always
just in case.

it's the memory of a time
stripped down to my underwear
wrapped in your bedding
wrapped in your arms
the closeness we shared,
the laughter
and the happiness
that i want to relive

maybe only momentarily
and very rose-tinted
i want to feel you again

this sinking feeling in my stomach
is all too familiar
maybe it was a bit forward of me
to think that your words meant something
to think that i meant something
but it isn't your fault
you're impulsive
and you get what you want
and i wish i could too
but i really really wanted
to be something that you want

but what you want is to feel different
to erase the negative feelings
and replace them with artificial positives
and i understand
because i'm not above it

the speed of light
is 299792458 m/s

edgar allan poe
was born in
boston, massachusetts

string theory is
a theoretical framework
in which the point-like particles
of particle physics are replaced
by one-dimensional objects
called strings

sukiyabashi jiro
is a michelin three star restaurant
in ginza, chūō, tokyo, japan


and yet i use this ability
to listen to sad music
and think about how much i miss you

i suppose nothing quite compares
to the absolute disheartenment
upon learning that those you adore
feel nothing close to the same
for you

The rose captain knows my name
This perfume breath I breathed
For you my dear, my love will never leave*

dear love of old,
they say absence makes the heart grow fonder
but as i've separated myself from you
my feelings have only become colder
i used to adore every part of you
but now as we get older
i see that my rose tinted vision
wouldn't let me listen
to what i should have realized sooner:
you're only out to hurt me
even if it's unintentionally
the kind of you and the kind of me
are, truly, never meant to be
and it's not a flaw on us, you see
it's just something that is
like the tides of the ocean
dictated by the moon
and the cycles of life
we all must endure.

dear love of new,
we haven't faced much hardship or strife
since we have crossed paths in this life
our lives are young, and we are fun
and we've been hurt too much
we confide our sorrows
and look toward tomorrows
with optimistic views
and watch the news
in hopes that things will get better.
but for us, things are on the ups
because we have found one another
and things are simple,
things are fun,
and my feelings for you make me want to run
through green meadows and pick flowers
and you make me think
that things could be okay
and i will be okay

red blood cells live for about four months
white blood cells can live for over a year
skin cells live about two to three weeks

slowly, hour by hour
day by day
week by week
month by month
year by year
my body will die and replace itself

and surely enough
some day
eventually
i will have a body you never touched
and hair you never pulled

the best way to tell when you're in love is to look up at the vastness of the stars and think of the things tying you to the earth.

the force of gravity, sure, if we're being technical, but what is keeping your soul here?

your movie rental late fees and your brakes squeaking and the bruises on your legs seem like nothing compared to your innermost desires projected on the cold night sky

and when I looked up, I thought of you holding my hand.

with an unknown force
you drag me in
by my wrists
i know i shouldn't want it
you're no good
i'm too much
you're too little
too many near misses

and right when i'm done
the bruises have healed
the thoughts repressed
you tell me again
that i'm pretty
and it starts all over

you kissed my flaws
you made them feel
something other than worthless
and i miss you
and wish you opened up for me
like i would for you
if only you'd ask

In the summer months you were a source of warmth
Burning too hot to touch
But as the weather outside cools down
Your skin became my blankets
And your heart became my pillow
But as the weather outside became cold
So did your heart
And as the rain fell down in drops, ice-cold
So did your words
And as the wind bites my skin harder
So did your thoughts of me
And as the days became shorter
So did your time with me

And soon enough I slept alone
With no blanket or pillow to keep me warm

patience is a virtue i'm uncomfortable with
and i was never taught how to love
no house has been a home
so i try to find home in people around me
but people are temporary and fleeting
and i am temporary and fleeting
my mind wanders easily
and i can't find focus
"you've got to pull yourself together, girl
you've got to watch out for your health"
but all i can hear are my walls caving in
and only small things ring through
it's the year of the snake
once a mighty dragon
sly, calm, quiet and
lonely

i remember
the sun beaming down on my back
as the wind blew through the tall green grass
the hot air creating a sweat on my brow
running through the field to the large tree
in the middle
climbing up high to view the neighborhood
as few others had seen it this way

i remember
riding down the large hills
on my bright green bike
feeling the wind rush through my auburn hair
feeling the breeze rush through my chest
faster and faster i would try to go
to get the feeling of flying
and oh, how i wanted to stay

i remember
coming inside from playing
to hear yelling and screaming
from deep within the house
and a deep, sharp noise, a leg through a closed door
"is this what you want?
did you want them to hear?"
i hoped for it to stop

i remember
my father coming over for easter dinner
and getting a little too much alcohol
and yelling at my mother
for turning us against him
"what do they know?
they're just kids!
stupid, young kids"

i remember
in the corner of the playground
where he used to play with me
a game i didn't understand
and wouldn't for a while
until he got caught
by an older student
and expelled

i remember
meeting him again at another playground
where you asked me
with a smirk on your face
"do you remember our game?"
i lied straight to your face
and told you i did not
but i really can't forget

i remember
the first time i felt ugly
looking in my full length mirror
in my purple painted room
i was seven
and just about to have another growth spurt
and had packed on weight for the transition
and my mother told me it will be okay

i remember
the yellow roses
planted outside the living room window
that bloomed once in the spring
then faced a terrible storm
and were never quite the same again
but they always tried to grow

your external self has changed greatly,
but i will always know you.
you may feel your new friends and cigarettes
have changed you,
but you're still the same boy i know so well
even when you're high.

my fingers feel like ice
my face feels red hot

forget, forget, forget
bury it deep inside
deep in the caverns
under vast oceans
no one will dare venture to
and a place i'll never go again

the way you kissed me
is like a double-edged sword

i loved it
but you'll never
do it again

i'm accepting it

with no concept of right or wrong,
i will do what feels right to me
and you make me feel all right.

I trusted you
Wholly and genuinely
I told you things about myself
That I couldn't bring myself to
tell others,
and you tore me apart
from the inside out
manipulation and betrayal
don't have the connotations
to how badly you've hurt me
I love you and I love you and I thought you did too
but actions speak louder than words,
and I don't know if I can forgive yours
and maybe that's why I can't
run away from the taste of blood in my mouth
and the blood in my hair and the blood in my favorite sweater
there was so much blood,
and you weren't there

it's impossible to not want to be kissing you every second that i'm with you
but i also love hearing your voice and your stories (good and bad)

i want to know everything about you
i want to know your mind
and the curve of your spine
better than the back of my hand
and i want to trace every line and crease of you
with the tips of my fingers
and i want to memorize your favorite things
so i can know you better
than i've known anyone else

the back of my throat scratches as a smile is forced deep into the muscles on my face, taking along with it ounces of the strength I have left

It's draining, it really is,
watching the spiral of water go down the drain, stained by my hair dye, reminiscent of what used to be

Days used to be easier than they are now, but they also used to be harder

Time passes anyway.

it's refreshing, isn't it?
the cool ocean breeze
the sand beneath my feet
a breath of well-deserved happiness
a sigh of needed relief

i've been thinking about you a lot lately
you've been very good for me
you take only what's given
and expect nothing more

sure, it'd be nice to see this go somewhere
but it doesn't have to
i'm happier than a clam
(and clams are very happy)

right now you're a comforting place
a trip to the ocean
the sand beneath my feet
and that's okay

it's refreshing, isn't it?

i've never felt more comfort
than of the heat that radiates
from your skin
i've never felt more alive
than with the love that comes
from your lips
and i want to hold you close
closer than i've ever held
anything

and i don't want to let go

your eyes remind me
of the slightly overcast
january mornings
i spent walking at 6am
cold, crisp
blue and bright

i want to paint
my new bedroom walls
in the comfort i feel
when you smile
because of something i did
or said

and i want you
to feel happiness
because you deserve
only the best out of life

the future is uncertain
both of us know it
and we know to enjoy
the "now"
and the "then" will come
and only then
will we know what will happen

you're delicate
you make me feel light and airy
you remind me of sunrises and
foggy, chilly mornings
and bright sunflowers
which are my favorite kind
you're soft and kind
you make me feel happy

and i want you to **** me with everything you've got