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Sara Jones Jun 2017
You know that moment that most classify as your heart "dropping"?
When someone tells you something or you start thinking too hard
And suddenly you can feel your chest just stop?
Someone's holding your heartstrings so tight that they stop vibrating.
They stop making the music you've grown comfortable with
And make it start throbbing and makes your knees weak.
For me, and many people, it gets really bad sometimes.
Sometimes it gets so bad that you can't breathe quite right.

Like when your fiance tells you how worthless you are when you thought things were just looking up.
Like when your mother tells you the news that he left you with nothing but your anxiety attacks in the middle of the night.
sometimes you can't help but wonder why.
I know I wasn't perfect but I did everything I possibly could.
So when you hear the news he's going to be a father your world stopped and your heartstrings try to sing but
They can't
Because as he walked out he dragged them behind him
As if holding you there forever is such a possibility.

As if you'd follow him forever.
With your back breaking and knees clanking and palms sweating
You'd stay there just for him.
You'd deal with your anxiety attacks.
Youd try to no avail to silence the voices that have done nothing but break you down bit by bit.

You know that moment when your heart drops and you can feel your heartbeat in your toes?
As if that's where your heart has lived your whole life?
As if stepping on the veins that circulate every blood plaitlet in your body didn't hurt as everyone stepped on it.
As you stepped on
Because darling one of these days you're gonna take a wrong step and crush your own ******* heart.

So pick it up.
Pick your heart up from the soles of your feet.
Place it back inside that cage you call a chest and just keep trucking like you always
Because time does in fact heal all wounds but
God you wouldn't know that because you don't stop dwelling on the subject to let Father Time do his work.
Pick up your sharp edges and twisted senses.
Pick up the pieces of your broken mirrors and safety nets.
Baby it's time you learned how to fly and stop loving your life underneath the surface.

Pick it up.
Spread your wings.
Fly on the songs of your heartstrings
And never let
Your nightmares turn to reality
Sara Jones Apr 2017
I've never been one to take a punch without either dulling my senses or punching back
But this punch back feels wrong
Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing
I'm drifting through life
The corridors of my heart have been empty for years and I don't know how to fill them anymore
From my father to my first love to you I've been abused
I've been bruised, talked down to, manipulated, and confused
And you did nothing but confuse and dull my senses as if there was something I was supposed to see and you blocked it from my view
I've never hated you, I can't find the time to
But between when you left me barely functioning and now I've learned to love you without being next to you
And hearing you hurt and holding back the pain in your voice broke me and I didn't know how to respond.
So when you told me not to speak to you
Not to tell you that I loved you
Not to tell you that I missed you
I decided that because I do love you I was going to respect your wishes.

I check your Facebook now and again
I make sure you're still posting on your instagram to make sure you're still breathing
If I could ask you how you were doing I would
But you don't want to hear from me, it hurts to much
And I keep fighting the urge because baby
You learned how to control me
And now I cannot free myself.
Sara Jones Mar 2017
Sometimes I wonder if you find yourself here
Scrolling through the words of my past
Wondering if you're still in my mind
Or even scrolling further back to see all my love poems to you
Well if you haven't noticed you haven't left my head

So if by chance you've stopped by this page today my darling
Hello.
Sara Jones Mar 2017
Don't worry about me, baby.
Just let me drift in and out of consciousness like I tend to do.
Open your mind, see things as I do.
Let the darkness take its toll as the music begins to grow
Until you can't hear the voices inside you
As if you finally learned to close the door.
  Mar 2017 Sara Jones
elizabeth
Tragedy struck
At just age 13.
My innocence-
Murdered in the rain.
Not the physical rain,
But the rain of my tears.
My story is different,
But just as terrible.
He stole the beauty
Of my soul and heart...
Leaving me dark and alone.
He ripped my confidence
Away with a single tear.
"I love you."
The lie he told
Has made me unable
To be loved.
"You're so beautiful..."
Another lie he told
Has made me unable
To believe this truth.
He ruined my beautiful,
White wings from God.
He replaced them with
Skeletal outlines of what
Once was.
My lovely face has been
Scarred by the streaming
Tears down my face.
Clawing at my skin,
I try to wash away the guilt.
"But the guilt is not yours."
They say.
"It isn't your fault."
"It isn't your fault
That he is an evil man.
It isn't your fault
That he targeted you.
It isn't your fault
That he took advantage
Of a little, naive girl.
It isn't your fault.
It isn't your fault.
It isn't your fault.
*It is not your fault, Elizabeth."
March 1, 2017.
My story is a different one, and it was very difficult to write this piece as it brought back a lot of terrible  memories. But it's only different in that, I didn't actually meet up with what turned out to be a 50 year old man. Most girls end up meeting them and having terrible things happen to them. And I am so sorry for that. I'm sorry someone stole your innocence, beautiful girls.
My story is this:
I was targeted online by a ******* at 13 years old. He told me all kinds of lies and I agreed to be his "girlfriend". He was sweet at first, saying he was 18 and he couldn't wait to see me, etc. But they all start out sweet. He began talking explicitly to me, and I complied and said the same things in the messages. A decision I regret to this day. My parents found out I was speaking to someone online, and the police were called. Three years later, after trials and fighting with him and his lawyers, he is finally in prison. But he has left me with scars and demons that haunt me every day.
My depression, anxiety, and minor PTSD have stemmed from this situation. And my mental issues may be worse than that.
I was inspired to write this out because of John Baverstock's poem "Jamie's Story". So thank you for that.
I hope you will not judge me for this.
Sara Jones Feb 2017
Sometimes nothing feels right until you light a few cigarettes.

Sometimes you need that moment of silence when you feel your lungs fill with smoke

Sometimes you need to think about your life as you spend five minutes outside alone with your thoughts

Sometimes you just need a cigarette break
Sara Jones Feb 2017
Why can't I forget you?
I'm doing so well, I have a family of my own
Then why can't I keep you out?
Why is it when I'm driving home from work at 3am,
and I know that he is home waiting for me
And I know that the kids miss me
That I think about the way you kissed me?
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