You came in to my life unexpectedly,
You had that look that intimedated all, all except me,

That bad boy aesthetic,
That mysterious vibes.
Which makes me more drawn to you.
And your presence..
Somehow inviting,
Somehow kind.

You kept glancing and so did i.
Both too shy and both scared to approach each other on the spot.
Both trying to steal small moments.
Small moments to keep,
Small moments to treasure.

Try to approach and speak but to no avail.
But you, you are really something else.
And that's a good thing, a very good thing.

For a very long time i've been wishing for someone like you and now it came true. You were that miracle and unexpected blessing.

Someone who's like the perfect missing piece in the puzzle of my life, you're that guy that every girl wishes they had. A guy who's tall, handsome and very caring and everything that describes the perfect person that i thought only existed in the books. A guy who's loving and is like the reflection of myself but in every way better. A guy that will sweep me off my feet and would still keep me grounded.

You appreciate every single detail about me and it amazes me how even until this day someone is still amused by me. Me, a girl so simple, average to say the least. It still amazes me on how someone still sees the beauty that radiates in me even though i am a flower thats losing its beauty and grace by the tiresome duties of life.

You're the embodiment of perfection.
So difficult to describe but so easy to see what i mean. Because when people look at you, they would understand the perfection that i mean.

You're everything i want and need.
You're more than just a pretty face.
You're more than just somebody who makes me feel like im home.
You're the guy who brought back life in to my life.
You're the guy that made me believe again in this thing.
You're the guy that i was praying for to have, even if prayer does or does not work.

You're that miracle i was waiting for.
You're you. And well, i won't say it yet. Not yet :)) but thank you.

To live to love,

To love to learn,
These are the things i lack and yearn.

Im young and naive,
And would easily believe.

To have faith, to have trust.
To do the things i must.

To live to love,

To love to learn,
These are the things i need to earn.

To find myself and be me,
To find the person i truly want to be.

To have faith and not doubt.
To whisper and not shout.

To feel beautiful in my own skin,
To radiate the beauty from within.

To make mistakes
And do what it takes--

To make them right,
To sleep tight at night.

To live and love.

To love and learn.

These are the things i have yearned.
These are the things i have learned.

Living is not about just breathing,
But being happy and beaming.

Loving is not about ****** and other ******,
But being kind to yourself and be jolly.

Learning is not about the books and school lessons,
But being able to make mistakes and making them right, to do the confessions.

To live and love.

To love and learn.
These are the things we have earned.

For we are all living, loving and learning.
Everyday. Every morning. Every evening.

Congratulations!
  A little birdie told me that you finally found someone after years of thinking of what we could've been in this present time. I told you that you can do it, and you did it. You've finally moved on. I couldn't be any happier that you are now happy in the arms of another and finally starting a new journey in life. Make sure to get this one right okay? You should do the things that you lacked in our past relationship. You check up on her, constantly remind her she's important, shower her with attention that she needs, set the both of you as top priorities and never leave her in her time of need. Never let her feel that she is nothing compared to the other females in the world, especially to me. Because I know she's a lovely human being and I'm glad you are with her.

To my former lover's new lover,
  You've got someone who's a real keeper but we didn't last because we were lost, young and naive. I hope he'll shower you with constant love and affection and that you will do the same for him as well. I am glad we did not end up being together because he was meant for you as I am meant for my current lover. Now don't you compare me to you or you to me. We are different people and we are unique. I will not interfere for this is an innocent letter for both of you. Smile honey, he loves you not me.

Back to my former lover,
  You do well and be well. As I am in a journey with my current lover, I hope you'll enjoy your journey with her and never stop loving her. Thank you for what we had before. If it wasn't for us breaking up, we would've never met someone better. So in the end I do not regret the "us" that we had, I hope you feel the same way too.

                                           Sincerely,
                                             your former lover.

I don't know if I bother you at all. Like on a regular day, do I sometimes pop out in your head? Or a post or quote and instantly, you are reminded of me? Do our memories together and your memories of me bother you at night or even bother you at all?

I know that for me this is a fact. That you bother me. My thoughts still lead to you. I think I know why but I don't want to assume, I think it's because maybe I'm not really over you.
That what I did feel for you was and is still true, that you were the dream come true yet you were the sugar coated worst nightmare to ever exist.
I don't know if I bother you like you bother me, I don't even know if what you've said you felt for me was even true at all.

You see and you know I've always had trust issues because of people leaving and I try not to care when they leave me. But you, when you left... I felt like crashing down and it was like a pang of reality that people do still leave me and I do still care and that I do still break. I don't know if my thoughts are just lingering memories of the imaginary us and the what ifs in my mind and the unfulfilled plans and desires for the supposedly love story of us.

You don't know how much I broke down when you chose to stop loving me, you don't know how angry I felt towards myself because yet again I was not enough and still was just an option and the least option that you'd ever pick, you don't know how much I wanted to beg you to stay but what's the point of you staying with me if you've already chosen another and you're unsatisfied with me?, you don't know how I have deeply loved you even though we only had the shortest "becoming to be" love story, you don't know that I still care for you deeply and silently hope you'd come back for me, you don't know how much I want you to regret leaving me but I am not cruel enough to make you suffer the way you made me suffer...

You don't know how much your memories have poisoned my mind, heart and soul.

I always want you to be happy, even though you're not with me. I know you'd suffer when you'll stay with me longer so it was really better for you to leave... but, you still don't know that I am both selfish and selfless for you.

You don't know at all.
It was truly over before it even started.

That moment when you're caught off guard and you suddenly see the face of the one you used to love.

You repeatedly steal glances at that said person and just miss everything about that them. The way you hug and you feel, the warmth, security.

The way you hold hands. So tight and like never wanting to let each other go, holding on and feeling the tips of every finger intertwined with yours.

The way you'd stroke through every hair strand and feel it ever so nice as it glides through your hands.

The way you'd kiss those lips so soft and warm. When you kiss, you feel the love and you're sure, in that moment of blissful awestruck. You're sure that you've set your feelings for this person.

But, it wasn't just about the physical things you miss about the one you used to love.
It's also about the emotional investment you have that was wasted and gone with the wind.

As you stare at the face of the one you used to love, you remember every moment you had and feelings that came along with it. And you're sure, in that moment.. You still have set your feelings for this person, and it's not going to fade away any time soon.

I do not know what to feel.
Should I be happy? Sad? Angry? Betrayed? Relieved?
I don't know.
But I know I'm hurt
And yet, I'm okay.
I really am.
I feel hurt but in a sense that I knew it all along and I denied it.
I feel okay because now, I at least know that I don't have to continue on suffering and keeping myself in denial.
I feel fine, numb and sad the exact same time.
I don't feel sane and yet I am as calm as an untouched sea.
But I feel so chaotic and broken and at the same time I feel fixed and calmed down.
I am a mess that somehow was flattened down and was taken care of.
I feel anger and jealousy within me, but at the same time I don't.
I feel fine but I have the urge to cry.
I want to be able to say I'm hurt but I just can't.
But I am and at the same time I'm not.
I want to feel something
Just one thing.
Not everything.
I don't know what to feel...

It's unhealthy for him,
It's unhealthy for me.
It's unhealthy even for everyone to see.

It was love and it was nice.
But now, again its time to roll the dice.
To find peace among myself,
And place my feelings on the shelf.

To move on but not forget,
And to never regret.
That this love was true,
Oh but the love was getting blue.

To love him back, may be soon,
But not forced fed by a spoon.
And I hope he would agree,
That love was sometimes me.

So this time I say goodbye,
But please, my love, do not cry.
For I will set you free,
and in the future time you would see.

That letting you go was the hardest thing,
But in the future, when you put on that ring,
You would be happy that I've set you free,
And I know someday soon, you will thank me.

I write because I don't know any other way of properly expressing myself. But only through pen and paper. It calms me down. It relaxes me and I don't know how, but it does and that's what's important. I release all of the stress and tension that I've bottled up. Maybe for years or maybe even just minutes.

It releases me, from all the hurt and anger I've felt towards others and myself. It makes me happy.
It frees my mind and documenting in a creative way makes me smile.

I don't just write because I'm in a horrible situation. But I also write when I'm happy or over joyed that I just cant contain the happiness inside me and emotions just burst on the paper. Because true happiness doesn't come around as often as I'd like it to. Unknowingly, I just write my heart out.

I also write, because I think no one would see my silly feelings. But I also write so if when the time comes that I'm brave enough to let everyone see what I've written, they'd learn something new. It may be about me, on how i feel or felt for someone or something, and maybe even learn something from what I've written and apply it in their own lives.

I hope that what I've written would make them feel that they aren't alone on anything. I hope they'd know that someone out there was like them, was like me.

I write in hopes that in my future, I could help people. Through what I've written. So they wouldn't suffer like I did.

You were my first.
My first in a non ****** way.
You were my first emotionally,
The first one I ever took seriously,
The first one that I've loved,
The first one to make me actually care.
The first one that made me cry about someone that really mattered to me.
The first one to ever see me as me,
The first one to accept me,
To care for me,
And to say that you loved me.

You were always the first.
Emotionally.
But, you lacked in showing me that you loved me.
You explained why.
You said that those times you couldn't talk to me, is because you cherished me.
You were in awe, that's why you were so silent.
You were in doubt that I loved you. Because in your head you kept on wondering how could such a beautiful girl with a wonderful soul could ever be with someone like you, a boy so fragile.

Well, my answer to that is simple.
It's because I love you.
Not because of your looks and what not.
But because I love you. As you. As a whole.
I loved you in a sense that I felt this warmth and content by just being near you.
I loved you by the way you were very cautious. In a good way.
I love you simply because it was you.

But, it's too late to say those things.
Because times change and feelings grow old and rot just like us mere mortals. But that's not true. Somehow, those feelings survive and will continue to survive. Still, it's too late. You've given me a reason to let go. You wanted me to. You were not aware that you wanted me to let go.
But how could I?


I love you..



No. I don't LOVE you..
I LOVED you...
I still have feelings for you, yes.
That will never change.
But I LOVED you.
You were in the past.
Yes, you were my first.
But you aren't my last...

It's hard..
Being trapped alone in a world of depression.
To be anxious all the time.
Not because of what other people will say about me.
But..
These demons in my head
They'll judge me,
Ruin me. Ruin everything.
But the comfort they bring,
The sweet lies they tell me.
Its so amazing.
They've wrapped my world and became my bubble of depression.
They've trapped me.

It's not their fault.
Well partly it is theirs.
But mostly,
I'm to blame.
I let them cover me in a warm blanket of lies and drown me in depression to the point that this depression is normal. Very comforting..
Yes..
But truly.. there's no mythical demons around me.
But instead,
Those demons covering me,
Is me.
My own thoughts.
My thoughts about a perfect future.
For him,
For me,
For us..
But there is no future.
There's no future at all...
With the girl that cant control her demons.

My fever for you has died down.

But oh i can't help it but blush when i remember your cocky smirks and flirty gestures.
The way you caressed me in the most gentle way and woo me with your smooth talks and loving features.
You knew exactly how to make a girl go crazy for you. That's why my fever for you has died down.
For good.

You had me convinced that if i left everything for you, you'd stay with me so i can fond over you and your physical traits. You made sure that i'd be safe and yet i was on the edge, hanging on for dear life. My fever for you was so high that it had blinded me for what i was and what i had become. I became the girl that nobody wanted to know but everybody wanted to have.

It was only then when i realized that your words and so called promises you've made that very intimate night was all lies. Lies that were already on the surface but i was too blinded to see it. All because of my fever for you.

You were and are and forever will be that drug, that beautiful face that siren like beauty that drew me in to the water because you morphed into what i wanted to see and dragged me down and drowned me until i thought i could've breathed under water just to stay with you and lie next you.

But, that was all in my head. All because of my stupid fever for you.
Im very happy that it had died down. For good.