Andra

Andra Jan 2021

keys

you sit
and look towards the sky
for nothing.

the rain can wash your cheeks
but your soul stays the same.
impure.
tainted.

and all you can do is continue
like this;
with a clean pinkish face
dragging your soul by the hair.
and you smile because you don't know.
hey you!
naive!
the rain doesn't heal!

#rain #keys #sky #soul #smile #sad

Andra Nov 2019

maternal time

stop crying
my little baby

time will pass
and you'll grow.

no more diapers
no more baby food

and you will finally have
a sister
to love
to argue with
or even
to steal stuff from

time will pass
and i'll grow

no more baby
no more responsibility

and i will finally be
a sister
to love
to argue with
or even
to steal stuff from

how long will you need me?
how long will i need you?

as long as
there's stars on the sky
as long as
there will be water flowing in that river

how freaking cheesy
you'll read these and will laugh
how much can you sugarcoat everything,
you'd say

come on, now
go to sleep
it is late

i love you.

Andra Sep 2019

my mothering arms

will my body be able to home a human being?
will my body grow like this?
will my feelings grow when i'll feel that?

i was never attached to you
through any cord
but when i look at my arms,
my hands,
i see you.

i see a tiny little purple bunch of cuteness
i first said "are you sure he's ours?"
but then i held you
and i knew.
you're mine.
and i swore.
i will protect you from it all.

these hands
these arms
have held you
have hugged you
have caressed you
have bled for you when i got carried away cutting those potatoes while cooking for you
have caught you when you fell
have pushed you.

away now. my body is empty.
no one to caress
no one to hold
not like that.

Andra Sep 2019

140414

when you think you know...

when you think that all is
as you know it
as you'd like it
there's something that happens then:

someone pulls your hand and shows you that
life
and
the world around you
is different than you thought.

that the grass' green is stronger
that the birds' flight is more beautiful than you could see it
and there's nothing left for you to do than... believe.

"believe and you shall see.
believe!
if you believe, you will see the flight and the sun's light and the sky's blues...

search without a fear, without a care and with no doubt.
you won't find the answer in an instant,
but it will come to you.
maybe only after 20 years in Tibet,
but it will surely come to you."

-a few years ago (about five, to be exact) I asked someone I looked up to a deep and quite personal question. we talked for hours. Before going to bed I wrote this.

#believe #belief #searching #search #life #doubt #grass #flight #bird #colour

Andra Sep 2019

morning coffee or how i act again like an idiot

he was always a mystery to me.
no matter how much i thought i could observe him from afar.

i know
his style
his gestures
the way he lights up a cigarette
how he argues
how he jokes around
i know the dimple in the corner of his mouth that appears when
he smiles.

i never had the courage to even hope of being next to him.
it's strange to work with someone you admire in a way
you don't even understand.
cause it was not a "fell in love" type of feeling, but more like a weird chemical reaction that was happening
within me.

and last night
i thought i was discovering him.
that i will get to discover him.
but he only left me with more mystery.
with every thing he showed me
everything he revealed to me:
the affection
the caress
the kisses
even that birthmark,
the more mysterious he would get.

today i discovered
how much he wants to be a father
how much he wants someone
how sensitive he is.

and i know i should not be sad thinking now, alone, about what happened
but i should be happy that the moment existed.
that for a few instants,
in the intimacy that we built together
he was mine only,
he gave himself to me entirely
and let a few masks fall.

"Coffee, yes?"
well...

and now i ask you, stay!

but i'll pour another glass of waiting. this bar is never closing.

#masks #discovery #mystery #mine #love #feelings #intimacy #smile #sensitivity #reveal

Andra Sep 2019

24/14

june.

a year.
it's been a year since i have been a totally different person.
and i don't know if i should
thank you
or
hate you
for turning me into
this person that can't love
anymore.
this person that can't feel
anymore.
this person that doesn't care
anymore.

everything is flat and colourless.
everything is 1D now

and i miss those moments when
i felt everything so strongly that i wanted to smash my head against the walls.

i feel that now,
but out of frustration that
nothing wakes up in me.
nothing good.

only tar, mud and slimey walls.

i look in the mirror and all i can see
is a pale, skinny, vacant face.

and i pull myself
to be like before.
before you.

but she is so foreign from me
that i don't know how to get to her.
how to rediscover her.

and like this
i drag myself
from one day to the other
hoping that
tomorrow
it will be
better.

closed in a dark soundproof room
which i can't escape.

and you...
you think i'm hopping around picking flowers...

#darkness #closed #feelings #hate #love #myself #lost #you #tomorrow #walls

Andra Sep 2019

red lights

home is where it wasn’t home.

home. it felt more like a place but felt like home when leaving.

home is my brother and his blue eyes.

home is can you make me breakfast and watch TV with me?

home is the hot soup grandma makes.

home is Janis Joplin singing.

home is where birds are chirping dancing.

home is that door never closing.

home. is that door open anymore?

home is Venus… and my cosmos.

home is red and red was home.

home is where it wasn’t home.

home is where i wish was home.

home? where is home anymore?

#home #uncertainty #place #leaving #grandma #red #music #lights #confused #brother