Yeah she was there first.
I was nothing but a tool.
A tool to help you get over her.
Guess you never got over her.
You really loved her huh?
Love her enough to call me your best friend.
Get me to trust you enough to tell you everything about me.
Then turn around and stab me.
You ******* ripped my heart out.
Thanks man! Means a lot.
Always love it when the person you cared about kills you inside.
Not the fist time this has happened.
First was my dad.
**** the list is too long.
all these people have like killed me.
You hurt the most though.
I hadn't cut in months.
Now my leg has an x on it.
And ex for ex for friendship that didn't work out.
I remember the plans we made.
How you told me you wanted to be with me.
Then everything changed so fast.
You said you never wanted us to get close.
And then I meant nothing.
I was just a ghost who came into your life.
Then was shoved out again.
Tossed out like garbage.
That's what I am.
A ghost.
I'm dead now.
At last.
But only on the inside.
I don't know who I can trust.
Way to **** up my trust with everyone.
By hurting someone with trust issues you pretty much hurt everyone around me.
Now imma be hesitant to tell anyone anything.
I'm going back to living in the shadows.
Back to drawing on myself with a blade.
Na I won't go that low.
Even though I did last night.
I love you.
But I still can't.
I'm weak.
Not strong anymore.
You were everything to me.
I obviously made a horrible mistake.
I spent countless nights wondering if you were okay.
You probably didn't care.
You told me that I'm alive because love keeps humans alive.  
I asked how.
You said because I love you.
You obviously didn't.
I'm sorry for ******* this up.
So sorry.
I'm sorry for loving you.
Sorry for caring.
Sorry for hurting.
Sorry for letting the pain control me.
Just sorry.
But no I don't regret meeting you.
I don't regret a single word said.
I don't regret kissing you.
I don't regret sneaking out of class to be with you for a minute.
I don't regret anything.
I regret loosing you.
I regret not being whatever you were looking for.
My friends say I should hate you.
I can't hate you.
You can't hate someone you loved.
And I loved you.
I remember you told me not to love you.
That i was making a mistake.
And that your a better friend than a girlfriend.
I'm sorry.
Sorry that you thought that.
Sorry that your back in what you called a toxic relationship.
Sorry that I'm sitting here reliving the past.
Listening to your favorite music.
**** that.
I love you.
Love is evil spell it backward and I'll show you.

Anger, sadness, depression, pain...
All those emotions swept over me.
When you actually care they never see.
See how much you cared for them.
You mean absolutely nothing in the long run.
So now I sit in the darkness of my house.
Tripping on the shadows I see.
Actually listening to the voices.
Cut yourself.
The scream.
Take a pill.
Take another.
And another.
Till you finally fall into a deep sleep.
When you can't sleep at night
Just take pills.
They help.
Help a hell of a lot better than the voices.
Just
Take
A
P
I
L
L
Then feel numb

*******!
Told me to trust you.
Told me you loved me.
You lied to me.
God I really loved you.
This is why I don't love!!!
This is why I hate people.
*******.
Go **** your tall stupid *****.
Stupid ******* trust.
Always comes back and stabs you.
You were everything.
**** this.
I'm dead inside.
You just killed me more.

I am quite.
Nobody listens!
Hear me out!
I am small.
Passive.
Invincible.
I just want to be heard.
Listen to my screams.

The dark allows my broken heart to rest.
When the pieces are shattered they have time to fix a bit.
Not anymore.
The dark haunts me.
It used to peacefully whisper to me.
Sing me to sleep.
Now it screams in pain.
Screams in her voice.
**** I loved her.
Why do I let people do this to me?
I'm such an idiot.
Everyone I've ever loved has torn me to pieces and left me to bleed.
Bleed drowning in memories.
I'm dead now.
Wandering around aimlessly.
No purpose.
No purpose at all.
No reason to live.
Why should I fight for life.
Why not just let go.
Let the earth **** me.
Enjoy the death.
Maybe peacefully drown.
Eat something I'm allergic to?
Athsma can do the trick.
Run three miles.
Just disappear.  
Leave like how love left me.
Broken.
Broken and ghostly.
Wandering pointlessly.

I wanted to help you.
I wanted to make you happy.
You brought music into my broken world.
I wanted to bring music into your.
Yours was getting darker and darker.
I watched as you sunk down.
Deep into the depression that used to loom over me.
I watched you scream inside.
I heard your silent cries.
I couldn't save you from the darkness
Because I hadn't been able to save myself.
Sweet love I can't promise the darkness will never touch you.
I will fight to keep it away.
I will fight with every ounce in my body to where you don't have to feel the same pain I have for all these years.
Leaving an ex is hard.
Chae killed what was left of me.
You brought new life.
Then she killed what was left of you.
I wanted to be the light but didn't know how.
I had no clue how Emily and you managed to light others up.
You said you were depressed.
Said you needed time.
Sweet girl I understand.
Moving on is hard.
I asked if you wanted me to disappear like nothing ever happened.
No you said.
But it was only because you couldn't do that to me.
Never once did you mention that you wanted to stay.
Now I lay here knowing I ****** up.
Lay here knowing it's not okay anymore.
I'm always going to be in the darkness.
Maybe I can help lead you out.
I'd rather walk in the dark with you
Than walk through the light alone.

To most breathing is a natural thing.
The body must take in air to stay alive.
I though sometimes forget.
My body forgets how my lungs work.
Then I shut down.
No air enters my system.
You are not breathing.
Trying to catch my breath.
Yes I am fine.
Until panic sets in.
Panic attack makes it harder to breath.
God I'm so ugly when I cry.
Kristen made that go through my head.
Telling me that countless times.
I need to stop crying.
I need melody.
She helps me when **** happens.
It's okay just go to class.
The teacher will let you go to the bathroom for a minute.
I walked quickly on the verge of tears.
Eyes red and puffy.
This is how someone would react if they got dumped by their lover.
Not because they couldn't breath.
I locked eyes with rianna.
Oh ****, now she knows I'm a wimp.
Crying when I can't breath.
Almost to class when the bell rang.
Can I use the bathroom I said.
Yes grab the pass.
T
R
I
G
G
E
R
That caused a full panic attack.
The simple words allowing me to go to the bathroom caused me to break down.
The teacher looked at me.
What's going on sweetie???
She asked concerned.
C-can't breath!
The school nurse came and walked me down to her office.
Your okay she said.
Now tell me what has been going on?
I can't breath!
Yes more specifically.
I ran and couldn't breath then I had a panic attack.
Yes this is my life.
Barely breathing sometimes.
Having panic attacks over little things.
This is how I live.