The smell of cigarettes
Flows in and out
Of your coat pocket

And sometimes that hurts
Sometimes it hurts that
Although we still talk

We are no longer close
Do you know how old I am?

The wound is still fresh
I've aged, of course
But I still feel 12 years old, confused,
Excluded,
And abandoned

It still stings
When we don't have
anything to say to eachother

Still hurts
That the longest conversations we've had the past five or six years
Have been arguments

The smell of cigarettes
Follows your steps
And although I hate cigarettes
Hate the way you treat your lungs

It's calming
Because now I smell cigarettes
When you visit
And I smell them
In the arms of my closest friends
And I smell them
When people are struggling, but still getting by

I hate them
I hate the way they burn you
I hate how you know that they hurt you
And you still buy
Pack after pack
Because tobacco companies don't give a **** about about the 16 year old kid
Who's friends rely on the smoke in their chest
They don't give a **** about us
And our breath

I hate cigarettes
And I hate how
You do too
And you still can't get rid of them

I hate cigarettes
But it calms me to smell them

It calms me to know that
Things could be worse
That you've gotten better

That maybe you feel better

The smell of cigarettes
Huffs into the air
When you laugh with us
And when you joke

Do you feel better?

It seems you do, and yet
I worry
Because still you're struggling
And still your skin lays so close to bone
And you joke about it all,
But
Do you feel better?

I hate cigarettes
And I hate worrying about you,
But I have to.

Because as much as you made me cry,
You're also my brother
And when we were young
I didn't have memories without you in them

The smell of cigarettes
Is stuck in your hair
I can smell it
Even in pictures

The smell of cigarettes
Lies in your frail figure
In a smile that reaches your eyes,
And yet looks worn.
And too mature for your youth

I hate cigarettes
But the smell surrounds you.

It wafts from your being
when you acknowledge me
When you acknowledge Jupiter

and in these moments

I love the smell of cigarettes

Angels laugh,
At my suffering.
My body is no temple,
And when you touch me
They are entranced
My silent sobbing
Is the music,
That falls in the back
Of their Sunday evening soap.
At least I'm entertaining.

Desk seats are warming
The room filled with
Still summer air.

The hazy film
Of warm weather
Rests on our eyes

Pulling our gaze out the window.

Focus is loose
Note taking bores
The scratching of mechanical pencils

Sniffle
Sniffle
Sniffle

Itching to play
As if we are
Back in elementary

Itching for a recess
Not an off campus lunch

Itching for youth

Itch
Itch
Itch

Rosy cheeks
Skin plump with sun

Not hot enough to hurt
But warm enough to shed our coats

The hazy film of pre summer air
Resting softly
In our hallways.

We itch to play
To run and laugh
Itching to dance
To stretch

Itching for sun

Itch
Itch
Itch

Itching for youth

A year ago
I wrote you a poem
About birthdays
It was a love poem
It told you my fears
Of you leaving me behind
My nightmares of laying in bed alone and sobbing your name in my sleep.

March 9th 2015
I was so scared of you leaving me
I was scared that I wasn't enough
That it wasn't enough
So I gave
And I gave
And I gave
And you took
And took and took and
You stole from me
Ripped at my skin and
Left bite marks on my neck
Your saliva running through me

And you took and took and took
Until there was nothing left of me
Except for fear
And self loathing

I thought I wasn't enough
So I let you steal
I bit my lip and silenced my crying
Letting tears fall when you
Couldn't see
I thought it would be enough

I tried to tell myself it was fine
Tried to will away the fear
The icky feeling in my chest
Between my legs
Tried to tell myself I loved you

Birthday ***
Birthday ***
Birthday ***

You took and you took and you took

Birthday ****.

March 9th 2015
A year ago I was scared of you leaving
March 9th 2016
Now I'm scared of you coming back.

fishnets grip my thighs
With the commitment of no other
Clinging to my skin
In a way that reminds me
Of how I cling to you
Threads of affection
Catching on loose nails,
And tangling themselves
between your fingers.

Red string
Criss crossed against my calves
A pattern of faith
And soul
Inviting glances
When I only desire your gaze.

Stretch marks line my hips
Tights leaving holes
Where your hands should be placed
I desire the rough skin of your palm
Slotting against mine
I want to gaze at you
And freely show my reverence.

My nails trace
Patterns into soft, translucent skin
The thin inner muscles of my forearm
Flexing underneath a milky abyss
Of fluffy feelings,
Twirled into light pink candy floss

I sleep easy now,
With the sweet residue of sugar
Coating my thoughts
And your floral being
Is the lavender bath soap
That helps me rest easy.

My shoelaces tie themselves together,
And when I see you I stumble
Words tripping
Across my freshly shaven skin
My s's slip into
Thhhhhhhh
The soft whistling of songbirds
Tilting my world
Until I'm upside down
Legs dangling in the air

The fat on my body
Feels light
Like a tub of fresh cream
Whipped into soft peaks,
I feel as if I could melt into you,
And your bones could become my haven.
I feel as if you could become my haven.

the fabric of my skirt
Catches on door knobs
And I fear being bare
I fear being vulnerable
I hide my intimate thoughts
Tucked away underneath
Layers of thick fabric

Philophobia,
The buttons on my blouse
Make my fingers fumble
I shake with
The fear of love.

Fishnets grip my thighs,
With the commitment of no other.
I admire their perseverance
But I fear
That they will eventually rip to shreds,
And fall away.

All I can ask
Is that You please
help me glue them back together.

White lace,
represents purity.
I never valued it,
Until you took your scissors
And cut the delicate fabric
To shreds.
I wish I was given the choice,
Because now
I don't have enough left,
To make a wedding dress.

They kissed me,
To the soundtrack of gunpowder
Red white and blue
Fire burning in my eyes
I didn't want to kiss back

I'm scared of fireworks,
Scared to feel the
Wick run down
And hit my fingernails

Coated in the scent of someone I do not love.

You're different
When I kiss you there's no fireworks
No burning in my eyes
Or fear in my chest

When I kiss you I see stars
Legs turning to jelly with the lack of gravity
I'm floating in space
With your chest pressing against mine

Independence Day is coming up

And this year,
You'll turn fireworks to stars

Maybe burning that drawing was disrespect to your art
But you disrespected my body

I can see the flames curling on the paper but under the embers
Is your hands on my chest

Maybe it was unfair of me to break up with you so sudden
But it was unfair of you to touch me

It was unfair of you to start this in the first place

14 I was 14 and you were too **** old you should've stayed away
They told you

Why didn't you listen

Maybe burning that drawing was a disrespect to your art
But you disrespected my body

And if you think I'm gonna forget that then you don't know me at all

Close to me
Trading shirts and I
Feel your skin on mine
Casual touches,
Never been more than friends
Although we once wanted to,
I might still want to.

I'm scared because you
Make me feel something
And I don't know what it is.

I'm scared because I
Feel something for
Too many people.

I'm scared because
I don't know what I can agree to anymore
Because the last time I said yes
I breathed in on a no.

I'm scared because I love you
And I'm still not sure how.

Close to me
Trading shirts and I
Love you.

And I'm scared
To let you know.

I feel like an angel
Pressed down by your chest

I've been wishing for this,
So many nights on my knees
******* my sheets
And grasping my heart

I feel blessed,
The warmth of your body on mine
Soothing the cold I've been feeling

I have found heaven in your love,
I no longer hope to die,
I only hope to kiss you

Please crush me underneath your
God like gaze
I want to melt into you
And live forever

I feel like an angel,
Pressed down by your chest

Im out of breath

Hands glide across my back,
Fingers stroking against
soft pink lace.
I want to be bare,
Heat climbing through my veins
And burning below my shirt
Want you to pull it over my head,
With your gentle eyes
And heavy breaths,
I want it in the moment,
Which I never have before.
I used to cling to the fabric,
And tug it back down
But now I wish it would ride further up,
I wish you would push your leg between mine
and let me press against your thigh
I want your hands
everywhere that they can reach
And I want your lips against my neck,
I want to be surrounded in your scent,
And your body
I want to be surrounded in you.
I wish your hands,
Weren't hesitant
Because I'm not,
And I would let you do anything,
Because I want you to,
Not because I'm scared
of saying no.

10 Things That Are More Heartbreaking Than You Leaving Me:
1. Demi Lovato's iconic bop "move me" isn't available on Apple Music
2. Sistars disbandment
3. Wonder girls disbandment
4. Developing lactose intolerance and NOT BEING ABLE TO EAT ICEBOX CAKE ANYMORE
5. When the left headphone isn't as loud as the right one???
6. Growing up
7. The look on my moms face when she realizes I've lost weight again
8. Straight girls who don't like me back because I'm trans and effeminate
9. Unfinished songs
10. Your smile. You didn't have to leave me for this to be heartbreaking, it always hurt to look at.

Ghost hands
Smoothing over
the ridges of my spine,
Through my teal jacket
My glasses clouding with
Salt and heavy breaths

Hold my hand
When I'm fearful,
For my skin
Is crawling,
And the only way to make it stop
Is to grab.

Your name
Is nails on a chalkboard,
Slipping from my tongue like the slime of unwashed plates.
Vowels left unattended, a man at the door asking to be let in
Whom I don't know.

Your name
Is the creaking of a staircase,
Sending chills up my spine, for I am the only one who's home.
Syllables upended, a vase of ashes on the rug knocked over
By what I tell myself was the wind.

Your name
is the clicking of a lock,
opened from the outside
When only I own the key.
Consonants only hinted, a stillness in the air that settles on my skin.

Your name
Is haunted,
And it's ghost sleeps on my sheets
leaving behind the scent of roses and stomach acid
In it's wake.

I'm a mess,
A tangle of long dark hair
Circling my throat.
Whether it's a necklace or a noose
I do not know.

I'm a mess,
A flutter of wings
Pressing out from my ribcage.
Whether it is a soft warmth or a forest fire
I do not know.

I'm a mess,
A thumb rubbing circles into my palm
Air leaving my lungs.
Whether the breath comes back
I do not know.

I am a mess
I cannot fall for you
Because that is all it would be,
Falling.

Your heart beats,
For straight girl after straight girl,
Girls Who
are deeply in love
With a boy
Who loves them back,
But not as much as you could.

Your heart beats,
For straight girl after straight girl
Girls who
Cringe disgustedly at people like you
If they knew how you felt
They'd cut you open
But in reality they already have

When she walks near you
You choke on your own breath
she doesnt notice how
Everytime her arm brushes yours
You blush and look away

Your heart keeps beating
With unrequited feelings
To a girl who's never even looked your way
She doesn't think she can

And when you call her beautiful
She doesn't understand
That she is all you ever want to see

Soft hairs between my brows
And coat my legs with
Soft kisses.
Hair brushes my neck,
And tucks behind my ears
In soft strands.
Colors stain
My fingers,
The dye rubbed into locks
With tiny hands.
No need to shave
The things that make me happy.

This house doesn't feel safe anymore
You're yelling so loud
That i can't even hear
How hard I'm breathing,
The pain ripping through your voice
A sob in the middle of the night.
Why'd you have to come home high?
The skunk of ****
Prefaces your existence
And everywhere you go
I smell cigs
Put out on someone's skin
Was it your own?
Don't run away from me.
While you were out
Sleeping on the bare ground
A tent cradling you
letting the acid melt on your tongue

I sank into my bed,
And let my stomach burn
I ran away from you

I forget what it feels like
To look up to someone.

You're hurting.

I can't help you,
And I definitely can't help myself
I let a monster into my heart
And I have bile rising up my throat from the thought of their tongue
Against my crooked teeth.

This bed doesn't feel safe anymore
Sheets stained with the filth
Of adulthood.
I'm still a baby.

I wish I could text you
And ask you to protect me
I miss when we were young
And you still wanted to be my friend.

Things are getting better I guess
But when he comes home high
I'm reminded of you
He was too young to remember
But I was awake for the fights
And the yelling match
Echoes while he lights a match
Inside

I'm not afraid of fire,
But I'm afraid you're gonna burn this house down,

And when all I have left
Is ashes

I'll put up my own tent,
And run away.

Her lungs are filled with
Hurt and
Words and
***.
She smokes in hopes
Of burning you away.

your fingers on the soft skin of my stomach
remind me that I am allowed to eat, every tickle and pinch tells me
I don't have to worry about my size, I'm counting the kisses
instead of calories,
and the pressure your smile elicits in my chest
is more important than my weight

"I love you."
He says, but it sounds more like a threat than a promise.

"I love you."
His hand encircles your wrist, keeping you in place in the middle of the hallway filled with students.

Expectation hangs heavy in the air
The cluster of faces closing in.

A whisper of excitement.

"I love you."
He says, but it feels more like a threat than a promise.

"I love you."
And you run.

Everytime you look at me
I feel sick

My cheeks flame
A fever blossoming in my chest

Casual touches
That my body memorizes
Filing away your movements
So I can fret about them later

I feel nauseous
Butterfly's climbing up my throat

You make me want to hide
Guard myself from embarrassment
But you also make me want to
Leave the house
Just to see you

I feel sick
Infected with your voice
Everything is funnier when you say it
Everything is brighter when you talk

I hate this
I hate me
I like you

Do you have no care for
A young boys feelings?
You do as you wish,
With no regard for my hurt.
Today is thrown off
By your voice
Laced with yesterday
And the knowledge
That I am alone
And I wish I could cry,
But that would ruin my act
And I try my best
To stay in character.

I'm melting under pressure,
Body separating and dripping onto the floor.
I want to hold it together for you
Want to hold myself together for you
I'm melting under pressure,
Who will hold me?

I want you
I want you to lay next to me
Sleep in my bed for just tonight
Let me hold onto you
Let me trap your legs
Between my thighs.

I don't own a plain pillow
Because nothing feels right on my neck
Except a chest breathing in an out
To the tempo of a deep rest.

I want to be able
To avoid the nightmares
Because someone's there and
No one else can touch me
I want to know that
No one else can touch me.

I want to feel protected
And loved.
I want to feel important
And needed.
I want you to want me.

Let me hold onto your shirt
Ball my hands into fists
Cling onto you.
Let me sleep next to you.
That's all I need.

I twirl orange sugar
Between my fingers,
And let it stick
on glitter nail polish.
As my thoughts float upwards,
Above my long neck
mingling with angels
Who coo at my feelings
For you
They aren't insignificant to me,
But for an angel,
My love is just child's play.
My love is cupids arrow,
Shot with no thought
Through the air.
For once,
His arrow landed on someone
Who makes me feel safe.
Hair follicles raise,
And not in the bad way.
I'm not scared,
I'm excited,
And in awe,
And full of desire.
I twirl orange sugar
between my fingers,
Would you like to taste?

Sugar coats the bowl
Pass the pipe
Candy cigarettes
Sweet n ripe
breeding my sweetheart
For early death
Heart in my hands
Voice rough like strep
Liquor and tongues
Shoved down my throat
Flowers and vines,
pulled tight as a rope
Sugar coats the bowl so
Pass the pipe

My lips are raw and bleeding
From gnawing away at them
in worry
This isn't worry for me,
This is worry for you.
Worry for how I can't help
When it seems to be needed most.

My lips are raw and bleeding
It's stinging
Not for me
But for you.

Bees follow me
Buzzing insistently
In my ear
As my world fades to black.

I'm fainting
Not for me,
But for you.

I teeter
On the brink of a river,
Tip toed and unbalanced
To reach your lips.

White water waves,
Crash in my chest
Heart unsettling
the calm of the water,
As I reach up to grip my
small hands,
Into the back of your jacket.

Despite this,
You don't throw me off.
My affections for you,
Grew easily
From the calm you provided
With your soft voice
And sturdy figure,
To the craving of attention.

I don't know when the Feelings came to be what they are,
I only noticed
When I caught myself,
Staring half lidded at your smile
My own cheeks taut with a grin.

I didn't know,
That I was lonely.

I suppose
I was used to restless nights,
Insomnia stealing away
My dreams
And twisting them into
Morbid nightmares.
I was accustomed to
Waking up alone,
And afraid.

I didn't expect,
To be held.
I never asked for affection
To carry me across
In my wicker crib on the river,
But I am being cradled
And underneath my
red flushed cheeks,
I'm grateful.

Because despite me
Acting as if I love independence
I am not functional on my own.
And it's hard to admit,
But I am not functional
With most people.
So, it was odd,
When as soon as i started
Talking to you,
I was sleeping by 9pm
And eating full meals,
And smiling through stress.

It was odd,
But not unwelcome.

My feet skim
Against cold water,
And Ive almost drowned
Far too many times,
And yet
I'm not afraid of swimming.

I'm not afraid of falling,
From a rope swing
Into deep amorous gazes
I'm nervous
And hesitant
But oddly, not afraid.

I thought I was afraid.

But now that I'm here,
On the tips of my toes,
No muscle memory at this height,
I'm not afraid
To fall.

Your name is burned
Into my retinas
Every time I close my tired eyes
In a futile attempt to rest my
Racing mind
I see you.
I stared straight at the sun for too long,
You gave me warmth and I thought
If I looked long enough
I would glow the way you do.
The moon passed over you
And you stopped smiling.
You stopped talking to me
And you stopped loving me.
Eclipse,
And you left me.

Your touches are soft
like the brushing of a petal against my leg,
plants reaching over the street but never bothering me.
Yellow and purple fills my vision,
the vivid colors staining my lips with adoration.
I bite away at the skin to collect the remnants of pollen, and I feel reborn. Flowers fill my arms, my allergies don't seem to mind.

Your skin was cold
The last time you touched me.
Grasping desperately
At the silky stubble
Of your shaved head,
I lunged forward for anything
Any hint of who you used to be.
It hurts that you changed,
That I noticed
And said nothing
that you blamed me
And called me desperate.
It hurts that I gave you
My body, mind
And time
It hurts that you
Wasted it.

I miss you
You haven't left yet
But I can feel your presence leaking out of the sides of my box
My safety
My comfort

I miss you
You haven't left yet
But my chest feels empty stretching out to reach you
My safety
My comfort

I miss you
You haven't left yet
But you've left me
My safety
My comfort.

You are the sun and I'm melting,
Thigh fat sweating into the hot paved roads
Forehead dripping and hair
Matted to my skin
You are the sun and I can't see,
So let me sit here for a moment
And regain the feeling in my legs
Before you
Pull me up
And blind me with a smile
Baby I didn't know it hurt
Cause I'm too focused on the glint of your teeth
Your plush lips shake
And so do my knees
Darling you are the sun
And on this summer day
I'm sunbathing

Your hand comes around
To cup the fat of my thigh,
Pulling me against your figure
And I feel like an angel,
Brought to kneel before You
Wings sprout from my sore back,
And for once my body feels bare
In a way,
That does not scare me

warmth spreads
From my anxious chest
Up to my drying cheeks
letting the salt water simmer
At a comforting heat.
I'm glad you're here,
To make sure I don't freeze myself to death.

fear climbs from inside out
Freezing me despite my warm clothes
I can't breathe
And the only one
Who can break the ice
Is you

People often describe love
As insomnia,
Staying up till 3am just to talk
But for me,
Love is falling asleep easily
And waking up before my alarm
For the sole reason
of wanting to be awake

I sleep to pass time
because she keeps telling me that
"Time heals wounds"
But it's not just time,
It is the emotion i feel over time,
The grief I experience
And the stages I go through.
Time heals wounds,
But how long?
I don't know if I can wait,
And I sure as hell
cant sleep through it
Everything hurts.
And I am so
Tired.

I need to stop basing my worth
Around one person,
Stop letting my mind
Revolve around them,
And stop allowing their personality
To consume me.
I keep growing too attached,
They hang the stars in the sky
And I look at them as if
They are all I can see.
They ARE all I can see,
I go blind with adoration
And my vision is fogged by
Heated breaths between kisses.
I need to stop letting these kisses
Define me,
They sculpt me
Build me up only to
Let me fall
These people keep leaving,
And yet again
I am a victim of identity theft.

When it comes to boys
I’m always attracted to
Rare smiles, brighter than the fluorescent lighting of a hospital
Painful.
I’m drawn to boys who will
Love me intensely, rubbing alcohol into my wounds
And leaving me bare
And clean,
And stinging.

When it comes to boys,
I trust too easy
Time after time they break it and
I still leave my young heart in their calloused hands,
I still sign the consent form
And watch the scalpel split my chest
I let them take and take and take
Until there’s no more blood left to give.

When it comes to boys,
I let them observe me
Plastic crinkling as their fingers move
Against my cold skin,
I let them touch me
Because I want to be touched
But maybe not by them.

When it comes to boys
I spill my guts,
To please them
And every ******* time,
They let their veins bulge from their
Slender arms,
Teasing me with the idea
That they would let me pull out
Each strand,
They never let me.
They steal each *****, each breath
And they never give me a single vessel.

Every boy I’ve ever kissed,
Has bit into me
As if I am theirs to devour
They swallow me whole,
And when it comes to boys
I am so Gullible
“It says I love you on the ceiling”
And I look up
When it comes to boys
I believe them,
Even when the lie detector
Drowns out every note
Of the songs I’ve written for them

The songs I’ve written for them,
Tear my fingers open
With every unheard strum
And still

When it comes to boys
I forgive them
Even when they
Unplug my life support
And watch me as I flatline.l

I'm drowning in fabric,
Thick thighs no match
For your heavy knit.
Swallow me whole,
See if my body fits.

you said you wanted to be in love this fall
So why did you leave right as it begun?
As the temperature drops
So does my heart
And for the first time in my life
I'm dreading the change in seasons
I hate summer,
But at least you were here for it
I feel sick to my stomach
At the thought of Halloween
Because you made plans with me
And now I have nothing.

Blue shines through
translucent skin
In lines and thumping fluid,
Stains your sleeves
And the tape that holds my
Phone together.
The tape that holds my
Head together.
Blue shines though
Translucent skin,
It's a boy!

large hands
Envelop mine,
fingers lacing gently
And reassuring my existence.
The pressure
will never be too much,
Even if you squeeze
Until my bones shatter,
I don't need them.
I turn to goo around you anyway.