people seem to approach me
in a matter where I am their....
prey
their is no such thing as "civil" war and so they
back me into a corner
defenseless and unsuspecting
of course i'm going to fall in the
hole
or step on the landmine
but if you expect me to get out
or get up
I'm going to need a helping hand
i don't see things from the same perspective
you're looking down on me
in a pit you pushed me into
and i'm looking up at you
trying to apologize
and get out
of this deep
dark
hole.

independence
the freedom to try anything
once
freedom to fall flat on my ****
and knowing I have only myself
to lift me up again
on my own
experiencing the world
head first
not afraid to crack my head
and just bleed
explorer of the world
and of myself
finding beauty in things
that normally wouldn't
be considered beautiful
finding beauty in
myself
...
finding                        

  myself.


interdependence
community, fellowship
providing love for everyone
meeting people's needs
knowing we can't
do it all on our own

i am becoming content
with

silence
in a world where silence
is often very

disquieting


i am becoming content
with silence
in a world that demands
to be heard


i am content
being silent
sometimes it is nice
just to sit back
and listen

i am content
in your silence
because words
are not always
necessary

the world is filled with so much noise
and not all of it is worth listening to

can you be content in silence?
can you be content being silent?
are you content with my silence?

as i sit here in silence i ask
these questions
but i receive no answers



only silence.

when i leave my hometown
i leave pieces of myself behind
leaving home is bittersweet
i've made so many memories
I'm leaving all the landmarks for
those memories behind
sometimes i wish time didn't go so fast
i cannot hit rewind
there are a multitude of landmarks
that remind me of you
like when we went to cross the creek
and you lost my shoe
in my new beginning
those reminders will not exist
i'll be 828 miles away
from where we first kissed
and even after all this time
these memories still dig deep
someone once said that there is never
the same kind of love twice
i wonder which version of my love
you keep
part of me will always love you
so leaving home is hard
it's time to move on in life
to pull a different card
i wonder if you ever think of me
i guess i'll never know
but when i visit home i'll always think of you
and so
i'll keep you in my memories
and somewhere in my heart
there will always be a place for you
no matter how long we've been apart
and i couldn't tell you why
i feel the way i do
i just think that you should know
i will always love you.

when you're crazy                            I'm trying to reach out to you
the whole world                                              
revolves around                                                  
you  
and
the constant noise in your head                       You won't listen
assures you time                                        I try and reassure you time
and time again                                                     and time again       
that pushing away                                                  that I'm here
everyone that cares about you                     I care about you
is the best option                        sometimes the best option is to lose  
there is no "plan B"                                            and make a "plan B"
the only thing to do is fight                         you don't have to fight me
i'm not so sure if i'm                                    i'm not so sure why you do this
crazy                                                       ­               you're being crazy
narcissistic,                                             ­                and narcissistic
or both                                
refuse to back down                                    you refuse to back down
fight or flight?                                           i don't want to fight with you
pride on the line?                                is not our friendship worth more?
fight                                                     ­                  stop fighting me
even if i know i'm wrong                      it's okay to be wrong sometimes
fight                                                 ­                             i'm tired
with all of the people i love                  of fighting with someone i love
tear them apart because                               of you tearing me apart
it's better that, than me                        is losing people really better than
feeling                                                    ­                           feeling
guilty.                                                          ­                     *guilty?

frustrated with the way
the words aren't flowing like they used to
so quick and easy
knew exactly what i was feeling
but now it seems life is
complicated
words don't flow freely
because all my words are eaten
by essays
there's no creative liberty
in apa format
can't express to you my frustrations
because there isn't a peer reviewed
article  
about how i'm feeling
and the woes of word count bind me
it seems i've found myself a captive
can't escape the jail that confines me
because the rubric is the compass that
guides me
and i'm at a stalemate with myself.

the worst part about being                              inadequate
is                 ­                                                         finding out
you weren't enough
when                                                      ­             it’s too late
to fix the problem
you                                                             ­          didn't know
existed

i can see past your serpent smile
deeply embedded in you is poison
and there will be no venomous victory here
i will not be your charmer
or your prey
the colors of your skin briefly baffled me
i thought i saw beauty
but i remembered the warnings once uttered to me
i am an animal of curiosity
but i unlike the cat
won't let it **** me

tears ebb their way gently out of my eyes
and trace a pattern on my cheek
leading to my lips
filling every crack that chapstick couldn't fix
the salty taste it leaves
still doesn't rid me of this bad taste in my mouth
sadness never tasted sweet anyways
my lips are still chapped
so i'll brush my teeth and rinse my mouth
desperately trying to rid of this aftertaste
i put on chapstick because one day
i'll cry and at least the cracks in my lips
will be fixed

i forget sometimes
that i have nothing to prove to you
nevertheless i catch myself trying
maybe i should set random reminders
on my phone
that help me remember
that you don't matter
how many times do i have to be reminded?
parasites like you
try and feed off girls with a little meat on their bones
and maybe that's why you didn't stay
i don't have enough meat to satiate your hunger
i've got enough to feed off of for a little
but you're not a very intimidating parasite
you just got under my skin
maybe i'm a narcissist
and i just want everyone to love me
or maybe i'm stupid
and i was hoping that somebody would be you
because you didn't appear to be a parasite
i was hoping for a symbiotic relationship
there was no chemistry there
my hypothesis was a bust
and that's not an experiment that i would like to replicate
i got the science all wrong
in sociology  we're learning how to ask better "sociological questions"
they're not supposed to focus on the individual
so maybe i'd ask
"What in our culture makes it seem socially acceptable for males to be complete tools to their female counterparts?"
oh but in English we're learning how to argue
my claim would be: I think he's an *******
and then what would follow are
reasons
grounds
warrant
and backing
all of which i have against you
college has taught me valuable things
like it's not society's fault you're a *****
you just are.

I can't seem to let go
of the idea of you
and logic went out the window
back when i first met you
on that warm summer day
not to say you aren't worth my time
but i know just know that you would waste it
still i am hopelessly fixated on you
even through the long periods
of not talking
the silence deafening for me
but undetected for you
and i know you  don't
ever think about me
because if you did
i wouldn't be here
alone
stuck
on
you
frustrated because i put in more effort
than i ever should have
it wasn't exactly a waste of time
but i didn't gain much
somehow i always knew
this is just
my
luck
and i can't bring myself to just call it quits
but i don't want to feel this anymore
some stupid hopeful part of me
wrote my heart on the back of math homework
and got nothing
in return
and you never wrote anything back
so i don't have any pages to burn.

Sometimes I get in a rut
and writing becomes a chore
i forget the feeling of release
that writing brings to my core
i need that escape from my every day routine
because not writing for me
is like forgetting how to breathe
busyness has been my excuse
but i have kept in feelings
that need to be let loose
stress is gnawing on my soul
i'm ready for the weather to be cold
ready for the Christmas season
i'm coming up with countless reasons
for why i want to go back
so many i lost track
friends and family wait at home
church
release from work
but i know here is where i belong
anywhere else would be wrong
i can beat the
heat
with God no one can
defeat
me.

everything is okay
little to complain
about
simple annoyances
but an abundance to be thankful for
good books to read
music to lure me to
sleep
grades to be proud of
paycheck
food in my belly
clothes on my
back
but i still want to go back
home
things here to explore
people i try and
ignore
wish i didn't depend on the bus
not something to really
trust
want to adventure
time taken up
work till late
is it worth what i get
paid
sleep is
hard to come by
these days
don't want to lose hours
with friends
waiting for long work shifts to
end
making the most
of my time
want every second to
count
don't want to spend seconds counting
change
want things to change
counting the days
till i'm home again
back with good
friends
making some here
refuse to let friends back home
disappear
like most people do
i'm stubborn like that.

what has my life become
studying and cursing the sun
melting in the desert heat
dragging my tired feet
prying open my sleepy eyes
desperately trying to be wise
laughing with friends at odd hours
singing and dancing in the shower
running only on caffeine
my desk is constantly unclean
missing home
hair uncombed
bus to work
in the library i lurk
book after book
intentions mistook
ukulele jamming
before-quiz cramming
praising God
looking odd
hair color changes with my mood
wishing for a change in food
longing for the mountains
missing my church in Fountain
finding my place in the world
becoming more woman than girl.

and somehow i'm still feeling raw
the wounds should have already been healed
still feeling the effects of your claw
and the layers of me are being peeled
you stripped me of feelings
sliced open old wounds
but on the outside
it looks just like a bruise
can we trust what we see?
is it all what it seems?
because you appeared friendly
but you can't see venom
you just feel it when it's injected
and you poisoned me
my mind is infected
sometimes silence
cuts deeper than words
and i would love to pretend
that it was truth i had heard
but a lie was all
that you sloppily slurred
it was what you deemed i deserved
apparently you didn't find in me what you wanted
but nevertheless with my feelings you taunted
i was just another game played
until you saw
your new found prey.

trying to hold it together
but i'm ultimately falling apart
how do you hold back your tears?
when something is breaking your heart?

i want you to fall in love
with the way i talk to movies
like they're going to hear me
fall in love
with all my little quirks
like the way that i hold a book
or the way that i've read that same book
  five times
fall in love with the way i can't dance
but i always dance at the grocery store
fall in love with my yellow rubber boots
and how when i wear them
it's usually not raining
fall in love with my bad hand writing
and laugh at how it's been the same
since the third grade
fall in love with the way
that i get so into my tv shows
and how the characters become my friends
fall in love with the way i write
even though in college
i mostly write essays
they say that it's the little things that count
so        
         would
                    you
                            fall
                                      in love
                                                    with
all the little things about                     me?

i would like to dance with (you)
i have (never) been good at dancing
I (considered) taking lessons
but (my) time never allowed it
the music persuades  my (feelings)
(how) does it make you feel?
i warn you, i am (clumsy)
(of) course i'm a little nervous
it might take (me) a few times
(sorry) if i step on your feet
grace is not something (i) posses
i (thought) i should let you know
(i) have never slow danced before
because i have never found someone i thought (mattered) enough
to dance with.

i'm dying to address
the thing we're ignoring
i'm holding my tongue
but my mind is warring
a battle with myself
to outwardly express
feelings put on a shelf
i'm feeling distressed
i want to be civil
but i want you to know
the affects of your fickle affection
that melted like snow
because i used to think
highly of you
now you're just another guy
that i thought i knew.

it's good to know
that you give me respect
that my feelings matter?
not even a spec
i moved away
and now i'm left in the dust
it's good to know that i was just a product
of your lust
i didn't really matter
but that's what you led me to believe
i see what you did there
she's just a replacement for me
because i was convenient
because i was there
and now that i'm gone you don't care
so you move on to the next girl
who happens to be my friend
let's see how this story unfolds
but for you and i this is the end
apparently it was over as soon as i left
but you didn't have the ***** to tell me
i won't allow any time theft
you wasted my time
and i can't get that back
i'll forgive you of your crime
and handle this with grace
I wonder if the next time you see me
if you'll be able to look me in the face.

lately i need music
to lull me to sleep
beautiful melodies
lure me into dreams
silence doesn't cut it
in silence my mind screams
it seems silence is louder
than i can manage
so i put in my head phones
and music acts as a bandage.

writing essays is an art form
writing poetry is easy
no real requirements
as sloppy as you'd like
the sloppier the better
emotion shines through
no word count to limit you
no punctuation required
you are free to write what you want
not restricted by a prompt
i would rather write poetry
but it seems with essays, i am swamped.

They say home is where the heart is
I think they're right
But they don't tell you
that you don't just feel the hole it leaves
When you're alone at night
Home is not a hole that can be filled easily
And the constant little reminders really get to me
Like looking at the hills
Where mountains ought to be
I left my heart in Colorado
With my friends and family
There I had my first kiss
And I learned how to read
Learned to ride a bike
And how to climb a tree
A lifetime of memories
Eight hundred miles away
I guess you can say
I'm feeling  a bit homesick today.

I want to get lost in you
to pick a vein and follow the path
praying that it leads to your heart
but if it doesn't i'll travel the depths of you
searching for the right path
and if I end up in your stomach
maybe i'll give you butterflies
I don't want to end up in your lungs
because breath is too easily spent
do I take your breath away?
but maybe i'll find myself among your thoughts
and become the song you can't get out of your head
but I would rather dwell in your heart
and give life to every part of you
but if I find myself in your fingertips
I hope the words you write will be about me
I have never been great with directions
an adventurer willing to take the risk of getting lost
and should I ever find myself on your lips
I hope it's with a kiss

never have i had so great a time
all so lovely
each brings something different to the group
all equally odd
you brighten up my life
each a different ray of sunshine
slightly dysfunctional
laughter is a promise
there in times of need
so valuable
the definition of awesome

once upon a time i was a little girl
a girl with her head in the clouds
mind a-whirl
a dizzy-day dreamer
not in tune with reality
but constantly seeing the magic of fantasy
imagination was my escape
i lived in a world where my parents didn't fight
and  my dad wasn't always gone
my mom wasn't always mad at him for BEING gone
imagined that he never put those holes in the wall
with his hands
and then his head
he never yelled at my mom
in my head we were a happy family
like the people on tv
but what did I know
just a kid in denial
the reality is
my dad was never there
my dad was too high on ****
to care
and my mom, bless her soul
was trying to uphold
a family of six
four of us kids
and an adult who acted like one
so i forgive her for screaming
and i thank her for leaving...
him
the divorce was a blessing
we needed an escape from the yelling
one that imagination couldn't always provide
and my mom and i never really got along
we had a rocky relationship
there was always something wrong
i was always misunderstood
and because i didn't know how to communicate my pain
i used my wrists
and cut my veins
it's not that i really wanted to die
i just couldn't think of the words i wanted to write
so i struggled with myself and i used my body as my journal
i wasn't ready to face the dragons
of self-image and self-hatred
not ready to grow up early and be emotionally stripped naked
i wasn't a damsel in distress
but i wasn't ready to face a beast
but what i figured out
is that i am not alone
there are people all around me
and a God up on his throne
and God has helped me most of all
he has chased and pursued me
he reached out his hand and helped me to see
the love for me he has is greater than my struggles
i lean him in times of need
and he comforts me in troubles
all my pain was wiped away
by the ocean of his grace
and it still befuddles me today
he gave up his son for me
a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
not deserving of his love
but his grace will ALWAYS be enough.

Sometimes you wake me up early
to ignore the cold
and embrace your warmth
you interrupt my life
and i just have to tune in
and listen
i want to be used by you
no distractions
i want to live for the cause
no excuses
and yet i still fail to realize
that my days are numbered
limited time
the people around me are struggling
but my comfort zone and i aren't done snuggling
push my comfort zone away
i'm here to live for your name
Hallelujah i cry out
you wipe away my fear and doubt
i'm standing on the ledge
now all i need to do is jump
because compared to you, nothing else in all creation
can trump
sometimes i get lost and confused
i put myself first
i end up bruised
that kind of sinful nature
is what brought along the hearse
there is nothing I can do
to break this dreadful curse
but in Jesus' name I'm saved
so now I'll live in Reverse.

Becoming brave I walk tall
Not afraid to stumble or fall
Dauntless I will walk the streets
To appease the wanderlust of my aching feet
No idea where I'll go
Or what the adventure will sow
Fear has no reign over me
Like a bird, now I am free
Explorer of the world we know
Like a flower my soul will grow
My only guide the moon, and sun
I'll break out into an all-out run
Sprinting past the fields of green
I will barely ever be seen
Disappeared into the night
Still a child of the moonlight.

I'd say you're my cup of tea
but I don't drink tea very often
maybe you're my cup of joe
you give me that spark of energy
that i need to get through the day

i am a restless spirit
everyday i crave adventure more
caged is no way for a bird to live
every freedom granted makes
me yearn for another open door
what sounds like song to you
is actually a cry for help
still feeling trapped
is this my home?
maybe i'm not even a bird
i'm a lioness on the prowl
bold and daring
dangerous
always hungry for more
adventure
or maybe i am just a girl
just a writer
trying to find my place in the world.

Fake
You put on a pretty face for everyone else
But you have showed me underneath the mask
Should I be grateful for that?
Because you unload on me
Everything
Constantly irritated
You're always a loaded gun
And our friendship is like Russian Roulette
I never know if or when you're going to blow my head off
Fake
Pretending like everything is okay
But ripping my head off when no one else is around
How long am I supposed to go along
With the act?
We have our good moments
and those are really good
but most of the time
you are a bull ready to charge

And I wish that I could write you off
as easily as I feel you do to me
but all I seem to be able to do
is write ABOUT you.

I can still feel
the phantom trace of your lips
against mine
and I am all too familiar with
the way your hand fits around mine
and nobody else fits just like you
and I am reminded of you when I stare up
at the moon
It makes me smile to think that maybe
you're looking up at it too
you are my night sky and calm ocean
i could get lost in those starry eyes
listening to the cool lull of the waves of your voice
i was the wind listening and watching
waiting for your next move
and like the night sky you disappear
and at times you went silent and that is when my heart
was the quietest
I was just a cool breeze
but when you talked you could hear my heart roaring loud,
trying to build a storm up in you
trying to shake up the ocean
being the wind isn't easy
not everybody hears my call
and sometimes I feel like you're a part of that crowd.

tonight the shadows ate the moon
i sat there in awe as it was slowly consumed
little by little the brightness was devoured
and behind the shadows, the moon never cowered
the blood moon shined
as the sun and moon aligned
and the moonlight becomes you
you too are consumed
eyes bright and full of wonder
the cold wind makes you shudder
make a wish as the last sliver disappears .
let the music of the night fill your ears

Your name hurts
six letters have the power
to make my heart ache
and I have tried everything
to make the pain stop
repetition
repetition
repetition
but it doesn't work
and usually the more you repeat things
the less they mean
but with your name it doesn't work
sometimes I get used to the pain
it is just a lull that I learned to ignore
but then someone speaks your name
and it resonates through my veins
and sinks into my bones
your name is carved into my brain
and when i hear it what follows is
usually pain
pain that follows the fond memories
and the knowledge that you're not there
you consumed me and left me with no air
and so here i am trying to breathe
then you come back and air fills my lungs
breathing becomes easier when you're around.

I am completely fascinated
with how two people
once so entangled in each other's lives
are now strangers
and there wasn't really a reason why
it just kind of happened
it's a pain in the ****
people are always coming and going
passing each other by
life isn't a race
besides...
none of us make it out alive.

I just wanted you to know
Who I am
I am:up till 3
allergic to dariy
A space case sometimes
Obsessed with the color yellow
In love with music
Living near trains
Someone who dances grocery store
loud
And quiet
a social butterfly
And extremely shy
So passionate
Sorry for my smelly feet
Always wearing yellow rain boots
bad at shaving my legs
unorganized
A sleep talker
A church goer
In love with God
Sometimes selfish
Someone who usually has good intentions
Going to tell you what you need to hear
The dork who sing along to songs in musicals
A natural blond.

you make me want to puke
i used to think you were a duke
now i know that you are ******
you are just a big fat poopie
you smell just like my dog
and you're only attractive through fog
and from far away
but dang that ugly face
what did i ever see in you
you're a stinky pile of poo
I thought you gave me butterflies, but it was just that taco bell I had for lunch.

Bold enough to speak my mind
but i've let you cross the line
i didn't speak up soon enough
but i also spoke to soon
maybe this friendship
was only meant to last til noon.

and I doubt that I'll ever be the same
because after I met you
everything has changed
and there has been some laughter
as much as there is pain
but since i met you
i doubt i'll ever be the same
you changed the way i saw the world
you changed the way i felt it
because everything was foggy
and then you wiped the glass
and now i can't stop seeing you
in every reflection
your face is everywhere i go
in my brain there's a collection
of memories i made with you
and now i can't go to the park
without looking for your face
because being there without you
just makes me feel out of place
i don't regret letting you in
trust me when i say
I would do it all again.

it's hard to care about education
when it's just drilled in our head as memorization
the system doesn't work when the yearn to learn isn't there
students mindlessly attending, but none of them care
testing is shoved straight down their throats
and the homework is piling and it's sinking their boats
so take note because things need to change
and priorities need to be arranged
i understand that teachers need to be paid
but the salary they are making is hardly okay
it's hard to learn when they have no passion
it seems like loving your job, has gone out of fashion
teachers are concerned about how much they earn
and that is why they try and get kids to learn
but if the teaching isn't genuine
our work is hardly benevolent
so reconsider how things are run
i miss the times when learning was FUN
but now curriculum is strict
and it pretty much constricts
our ability to care
because we are forced to be there
so how about not wasting our time
because learning without passion is a serious crime
and it isn't just the rankings that are suffering.

you still make me tremble
even after all this time
talking to you makes me shake
i was on solid ground
and you're an earthquake
now it's just the aftershock
i honestly thought that you forgot.

how deep is deep enough?
how far will I sink?
will i touch the bottom before my lungs
have no oxygen left to drink?
will i just dissipate into the water?
they say 70% of the earth is made up of the ocean
and I too have 70%
I think I'll blend in nicely

once upon a fallen dream
i had forgotten how to scream
life is cold and infinitely mean
are things really as they seem?


trapped inside this empty cell
there is no way that i could tell
which way to go to escape this hell
what would happen if i fell?

tumbling out of control
my breath is taken from me, stole
where do i go to seize my soul
i need something to fill the hole

if I ever reach the light
will you even reveal my knight?
will my eyes ever regain their sight?
can i even win this fight?


such a cruel spiteful jailer
my stripes were sent to the tailor
wish this was just a movie trailer
face to face with my impaler

into the mirror i stare

my reflection i cannot bear

there’s someone with so much despair

and no one bothers to care

i lost the battle of life

bled out cause a kitchen knife

my mind was riddled with inner strife

my stiff body fell with lithe

cold and dead I lie

no one dares to cry

my soul is free to fly

and there’s not need to try

with such grace i was set free

it took dying for me to see

no longer trapped like a bumblebee

i have found the once lost key

the silence brings me comfort

i no longer have to suffer

your days on this foul earth are numbered

the truth will be uncovered

beauty once vain now is pure

happiness comes , this i ensure

for the plague of life, death is the cure

but to life you’ve become inure

you don’t have to sit through hell
NOBODY hears you when you yell
is there a reason for you to dwell
there is none that i can tell

peace will come if you give in
they say suicide is a sin
then you should proudly sin with a grin
go on, take those pills with gin

one after one i coach them
my pleasure is when they’re condemned
i tell them that death is their friend
but death isn’t even the end


such a clever one aren’t i?
wonder where you go when you die?
silly beings think that they shall fly
i enjoy watching them try

but he saves us from your reign

all of your efforts are in vain

because you have already been slain

Jesus Christ will always reign

Savior cradles me in his arms

i was once caged behind bars

but through him  i was set free

not bound by rules

i am safe with him for eternity

i was trapped with rules of verse

but my savior broke that curse

didn’t know what  i was worth

there was purpose for my birth

my sin through him was forgiven

now what is in store for me is unveiled

your instructions to get here are detailed

it’s simple just accept the gift

heal the hole, your God sized rift

ask him for his forgiveness

and he will rid you of your sickness

trust me, i’m an eyewitness.

things seem to lose their meaning after a while
but not you
i guess i lied
in the letter i wrote you
maybe i can't
push my feelings aside
it's easier when you're absent
because then i forget
but when you come back
the progress i had made
gets thrown away
the rewind button gets pressed
and i can tell you're not impressed
because who am i anyways?

weird
is looking at someone you've know your whole life
and realizing that they are a stranger
hurt
is realizing that maybe they didn't want you to know them
confused
is wondering how easily the person you knew was replaced
curious
is wanting to know who this new person is

it would seem
that i am at war with myself
half of me wants to leave you behind
the other half knows that isn't quite right
because I don't want to be someone
who walks away too easily
i am a fighter
but half of me is defeated
say something i'm giving up on you
but i won't give up on us
who would i be if i left when
times got rough?
it just feels like i have a lot of love
and i'm not sure it's worth it
not that you're not worth it
but maybe i'm not
not worth
a second
of your time.

i fear that i have met my soul mate
and he has not met his
thousands of miles away and yet
by his words alone
i am sure
and my soul mate is not the man i claim to love
he is a stranger
walking down foreign streets
with scars on his heart that look similar to mine
but he only faintly knows my name
and i doubt he could pronounce it
that's the trouble with poets
they can capture your heart from miles away
behind a computer screen
i fear that i have met my soul mate
and he
has not met
his.