tonight the shadows ate the moon
i sat there in awe as it was slowly consumed
little by little the brightness was devoured
and behind the shadows, the moon never cowered
the blood moon shined
as the sun and moon aligned
and the moonlight becomes you
you too are consumed
eyes bright and full of wonder
the cold wind makes you shudder
make a wish as the last sliver disappears .
let the music of the night fill your ears

They say home is where the heart is
I think they're right
But they don't tell you
that you don't just feel the hole it leaves
When you're alone at night
Home is not a hole that can be filled easily
And the constant little reminders really get to me
Like looking at the hills
Where mountains ought to be
I left my heart in Colorado
With my friends and family
There I had my first kiss
And I learned how to read
Learned to ride a bike
And how to climb a tree
A lifetime of memories
Eight hundred miles away
I guess you can say
I'm feeling  a bit homesick today.

My words now
Seem only
Adequate
But I cannot seem to adequately
Put into words
What I want to say.

mondays
recovering from
busy sundays
trying to function
barely able to speak
a couple more days
left in the school week

you have left an imprint
on my heart
and no matter how hard i try
to forget you
like you did me
little things remind me of you
they keep you just a phone call away
a three minute walk from my front door to yours
the snow on the ground reminds me
of your promise to have a snowball fight
and my promise that i would surely win
it's hard to forget someone when
all the memories you made
were close to home
i want to move far away
i'm suffocating under the pressure
of the constant reminders
because all around the neighborhood
are reminders of you
but it seems that the story of us
is one you have forgotten
there are no memories
but you're everywhere to me
and it's getting hard to see
i need time to
breathe
i'm gasping for air
desperately trying to push them away
but i'm drowning
and home never felt more oppressive
and the reminders make me feel
obsessive
but is it really too much
to ask you to remember that i exist?

being in a relationship
sometimes feels like
being looked at through a telescope
neither of you knows much about one another
and through the telescope
you see the wonder and the beauty
it's the first stage of discovery
discovery only leads to more curiosity
so you dive deeper
it becomes more like
being looked at under a microscope
all the little pieces of you
are being examined
you do your best
to display only the beautiful parts of yourself
on the slides,
but you can't control what someone else sees
and sometimes until you're closely examined
you don't know you have a disease
and the more slides that are shown under the microscope
the more you discover
the more you know
and that gives you the power to change
to take medicine
because being in a relationship
should inspire you to be
the best version of yourself
and together
you can heal each other
stop the spread of disease
and see even more beauty
under the microscope
than you did through the telescope
and the next time you look through
that telescope you will be even more beautiful
than the last.

once upon a time i was a little girl
a girl with her head in the clouds
mind a-whirl
a dizzy-day dreamer
not in tune with reality
but constantly seeing the magic of fantasy
imagination was my escape
i lived in a world where my parents didn't fight
and  my dad wasn't always gone
my mom wasn't always mad at him for BEING gone
imagined that he never put those holes in the wall
with his hands
and then his head
he never yelled at my mom
in my head we were a happy family
like the people on tv
but what did I know
just a kid in denial
the reality is
my dad was never there
my dad was too high on ****
to care
and my mom, bless her soul
was trying to uphold
a family of six
four of us kids
and an adult who acted like one
so i forgive her for screaming
and i thank her for leaving...
him
the divorce was a blessing
we needed an escape from the yelling
one that imagination couldn't always provide
and my mom and i never really got along
we had a rocky relationship
there was always something wrong
i was always misunderstood
and because i didn't know how to communicate my pain
i used my wrists
and cut my veins
it's not that i really wanted to die
i just couldn't think of the words i wanted to write
so i struggled with myself and i used my body as my journal
i wasn't ready to face the dragons
of self-image and self-hatred
not ready to grow up early and be emotionally stripped naked
i wasn't a damsel in distress
but i wasn't ready to face a beast
but what i figured out
is that i am not alone
there are people all around me
and a God up on his throne
and God has helped me most of all
he has chased and pursued me
he reached out his hand and helped me to see
the love for me he has is greater than my struggles
i lean him in times of need
and he comforts me in troubles
all my pain was wiped away
by the ocean of his grace
and it still befuddles me today
he gave up his son for me
a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
not deserving of his love
but his grace will ALWAYS be enough.

people always say
that a girl's first love
should be her father
what happens when
her father chooses something
else to be the focus of his love
instead of her?
she learns from his absence.
as kids, we pick up on everything
constantly learning
watching your every move
i learned things
from watching you
some i wish i hadn't
some i'm glad i have
i learned that i accept
the love that i think i deserve
since i learned how to receive love
from you
that i often accept way less
than i deserve
i also learned patience and
how to love people just to love them
not expecting anything in return
i learned that people make time
for what truly matters to them
if you can't spare the time
then you don't really care
i understand that actions have consequences
and that
you don't seem to realize that your actions
have consequences
that sometimes
the consequences affect me
or my brother
through watching you i have learned
that you can't make someone care about you
it's a waste of breath to try
that sometimes you deserve more love
than someone is willing to offer you
even if that someone is your father
you see, when i was little
i always called myself a "daddy's girl"
i clung to you when you were around
because you weren't around much
a lot of people are devastated
when their parents
get divorced
i cannot say that i felt the same way
your absence wasn't anything
i wasn't already familiar with
i would never miss the temper
you directed towards my mom
while you've been out
playing the blame game
pretending that your decisions don't
affect anyone else's lives
i have been watching with child-like eyes
learning for the most part
what not to do
you were the cause
my life was the effect
i learned that parents are supposed to
be the adults
sometimes they act like children
the most important lesson
that you never taught me
is that sometimes people
don't deserve the love you give them
but you give it to them anyways
not because of anything they have done
for you
simply because
so thank you
for all the life lessons
for helping me develop character
i might not have otherwise acquired
thank you for helping me realize
that i can stand up for myself
even to you
that doesn't mean
i don't still love you
even though
i learned all of these things in spite of you
i still always love you.

apathy
sometimes
i can't bring myself to care
how you feel
because i don't
sometimes i just like watching
extreme emotions
does that make me a sadist?
i go through periods of extreme emotion
and periods of no feeling at all
often times it just depends on
the time of the month
but mostly i feel nothing
and sometimes that's terrible
it's never effective when it's convenient for me
it comes and goes
at it's will
apathy
sometimes i beg
just to feel something at all
void
and then the littlest of emotions
seems extreme
sometimes
i argue with you
even though i don't care
because i know anybody else would be angry
maybe i'm ******* up
misophonia
the sound of chewing
or breathing loud
brings out
spurts of emotion
cringe
glare
angry
but usually
there's nothing
so when i do feel
it's overwhelming
crying is a big deal
sometimes i can make myself
cry
sometimes i pretend to feel
apathy
but only when i'm actually thinking
mindlessly reading
or watching a movie
emotions on the page
or on the screen
i can suddenly feel again

we are constantly in a game of chicken
trying to get across how we feel
it's easier when the feelings are written
but saying them aloud is much more real
i might say something kind of flirty
in hopes that you might flirt back
but i always worry
maybe i have feelings that you lack
maybe we're just both hinting around
trying to get each others' attention
but we avoid what might be profound
oh and did i mention
i have a few things i wanted to tell you
maybe i'll tell you later
actually they're a bit overdue
but i've given you many-an-indicator
i pretty much adore you
as if you couldn't tell
yes, yes it is true
i know exactly how it all befell

Monday starts the week
Wake up early, barely sleep
Class after class drags on
Then at last you go home
What awaits you tomorrow is a mystery
Today is tomorrow's history
If today was hell let's make tomorrow better
Smile and write yourself a letter
Remember to laugh
And not dwell in the past
Because only you can make this Monday better than the last.

Your name hurts
six letters have the power
to make my heart ache
and I have tried everything
to make the pain stop
repetition
repetition
repetition
but it doesn't work
and usually the more you repeat things
the less they mean
but with your name it doesn't work
sometimes I get used to the pain
it is just a lull that I learned to ignore
but then someone speaks your name
and it resonates through my veins
and sinks into my bones
your name is carved into my brain
and when i hear it what follows is
usually pain
pain that follows the fond memories
and the knowledge that you're not there
you consumed me and left me with no air
and so here i am trying to breathe
then you come back and air fills my lungs
breathing becomes easier when you're around.

i put a lot of effort into people
who put way too little effort into me
maybe i learned this from childhood
i thought i was a daddy's girl
but now i realize
i clung to my dad
when he was around
because he wasn't around much
i put way too much effort
into people
who put minimal effort into me
and i'm working on letting go
because yes
i want to be the person who
will cross oceans for someone
who wouldn't cross a puddle for me
because that is how you make the world
a brighter place
but it can be
unbearable
feeling like
you are never
anybody's
priority

Too often are we obsessed
with nesting,
making homes
out of other people
rather than ourselves
we make ourselves cozy
within the confines of the walls
they had to let down in order to welcome us in
we lace ourselves in between their fingers ,
hoping that we might also find ourselves
imbedded in their heart
we embrace the richness of their voice
as if it were a lullaby drowning out
the voice in our own heads
a person was never meant
to be made into a home
just trying to find their own way
in their uneasy bones
people are
fickle homes
with restless minds
and tired bones
i am learning to make a home
within myself
to clean the dust off of the blinds
that shield my eyes
and see the world a little clearer
it is time to clean out the attic of my mind
to paint my skin a different color
because I have always wanted my home
to be as colorful as i feel
i will explore the depths
of my own temple
and build in myself
a strong foundation
because the foolish man built
his house on the sand,
the foolish man also
made a home, out of a man.

and slowly i'll drift
away from you
with each passing day
they say
that absence makes the heart grow fonder
but sometimes absence makes you forget
forget the smiles shared
and the moments you got lost in
forget the poems i wrote
and the time spent wishing just
for one moment
i could call you mine
not like my property,
but mine
and i'll forget what color your eyes are
and how your laugh made me feel warm
and i'll forget who drew me that picture
i'll forget how your arms felt around me
i'll forget all the things you were so passionate about
and the things you didn't like
i'll forget where we met
and all the fun we had that summer
and the letter that i wrote you
i'll forget your smell and your thoughts about politics
i'll forget which music was your favorite
and all the little things that made you tick
but i bet you'll forget me too
you'll forget my love of puns
or how I'm a bibliophile
you won't remember my laugh
or my smile
or how I cannot dance
you'll forget what color my eyes are
and  my yellow rain boots
you'll forget about my novel
and my love of poetry
i'll forget about you
and you'll forget about me
we'll go in different directions
totally different paths
i'll be on a plane to Wales
and you'll be on a plane to Italy
and maybe i'll see you in the airport someday
maybe i'll recognize your voice
maybe i'll remember how i should have tried
maybe i made the wrong choice
will it really be that easy to forget you
i don't think there's a chance at that
will it be easy to forget me?
or did i make a big impact?

you still make me tremble
even after all this time
talking to you makes me shake
i was on solid ground
and you're an earthquake
now it's just the aftershock
i honestly thought that you forgot.

God is teaching me
how to not be so
reactive
that it is okay
to walk away
without explanation
that i don't have to
explain myself
to anyone
because he already knows my heart
completely
he is teaching me
to let go
of the things of this world
and hold on tight
to my relationship with him
and not my relationships
with others
because i feed off of
the energy of the people
i surround myself with
and i don't always
surround myself
with positive people
he has taught me that
if i feed off of people
instead of him
that i will always
be left feeling hungry
so this is my surrender.

alone
praying for someone
anyone
to knock on the door
even if i can't hear it at first
alone
my only friends are the books
that i can barely read
because i'm practically
blind
and the tv i can barely hear
because i'm almost totally
deaf
new illnesses developing everyday
i'm getting
old
if only someone would come by
somebody
i've got three kids
three
one of them told me happy birthday
this year
one
grandkids
how many now?
six
but what were their names
pictures
don't get to see them often
but i see them in
pictures
new ones
i haven't gotten anything
new
but one
who was that again?
my granddaughter
what was her name
the pretty one
with the pink hair
alysia
i show that picture
to the folks around here
i love looking at it
pictures
are better than
nothing.

with facebook
comes lack of
privacy
your whole life
is out there
for the whole world to see.

it's good to know
that you give me respect
that my feelings matter?
not even a spec
i moved away
and now i'm left in the dust
it's good to know that i was just a product
of your lust
i didn't really matter
but that's what you led me to believe
i see what you did there
she's just a replacement for me
because i was convenient
because i was there
and now that i'm gone you don't care
so you move on to the next girl
who happens to be my friend
let's see how this story unfolds
but for you and i this is the end
apparently it was over as soon as i left
but you didn't have the ***** to tell me
i won't allow any time theft
you wasted my time
and i can't get that back
i'll forgive you of your crime
and handle this with grace
I wonder if the next time you see me
if you'll be able to look me in the face.

Feeling indefinite
feelings indefinite
my feelings aren't definite
i'm feeling definite?
definitely in love with you?
but it isn't definite..
i don't know if that's how you define it
i am indefinite
searching for definite
definition: clearly stated or decided; not vague or doubtful
definitely trying to define it
i have love for you
but whether or not i'm in love with you
is indefinite.

i don't regret
meeting anyone that i've met
anyone that i have loved
i will not forget
they have broadened my playlist
introduced me to all different styles
i have come to appreciate my playlist
that has been growing for a while
someone introduced me to indie
someone else what they played in the 60's
and Mr. current listens to classic
appreciative of music without lyrics
i've never known what to listen to
i grew up on rock and roll
so thank you to all those i've loved and will love
you have deeply affected my soul.

i found an old picture of us
i swear it's perfection
i wish that i could recapture that moment
we were happy together
can we be like that again?
i would love nothing more
than to be in your arms
to kiss your lovely face
but later i guess
not now
we can still be happy
from afar
i love your hugs
but they don't last long enough
how long is long enough
i just want things to escalate
but not quickly
at a steady pace
first you'll hold my hand
then you'll peck my cheek
and so on??
sometimes you talk too much
and i want to kiss you so you'll shut up
sometimes silence is enough
i'm comfortable with you

tears ebb their way gently out of my eyes
and trace a pattern on my cheek
leading to my lips
filling every crack that chapstick couldn't fix
the salty taste it leaves
still doesn't rid me of this bad taste in my mouth
sadness never tasted sweet anyways
my lips are still chapped
so i'll brush my teeth and rinse my mouth
desperately trying to rid of this aftertaste
i put on chapstick because one day
i'll cry and at least the cracks in my lips
will be fixed

It's odd how we so often become  (strangers)
We reunite and then disappear (again)
How do we always come back to (this)
it's been quite a bit of (time) since I have seen you
How long before I (will) see you again
(You) have not a clue, do you?
I'm scared that maybe you'll (leave)
but if you leave, (for) how long?
they say (good) things come to those who wait
(please) don't go too far
I (don't) want to be strangers again.

you're so cool
because you got high
IN SCHOOL
your friends think you're fun
because you do stupid stuff
but really you're DUMB
who get's high during school?
an idiot, a dunce, a fool
why would you take that chance
admin is going to make you dance.

In the cargo its cramped and small
People range from short to tall
the smell of death evades the air
Nazis loading people with seeming-less care

Separation,Deprivation
Wheels turning, stomachs churning
the taste of fear,sweat and tears
What I have lived for through countless time.

Mortifying sights to see
family memories
ringing in my bleeding ears
Triggering my deepest fears

Sun rays shining through barbed wires
too much time spent in death cars
when will i escape this hell
captivating feelings held

Trapped and caged like a jailbird
Loaded and treated worse than a cattle heard
intense heat keeps us beat
disease and death among me creeps

Bodies close
too close for comfort
but that is least of my worries

Where is this place they are taking me
will I survive or will they break me
emaciated,hunger kills
I'm still alive 'cause my strong will

Sweat dripping down my cheek
the thirst and hunger turn me weak
dust and dirt caked upon us all
the horrendous taste of death still  crawls.

Sometimes I like to think
about the future
i can't keep my thoughts succinct
next year
Will I be with you?
i want you near
Will you kiss me
as we leave each morning
will you love me
even as I'm snoring

would you take me to meet your mom?
I would let you meet my dad
would we snuggle next to the fire place
read and drink hot cocoa?  
Or will I be lacking your embrace

a future without you in it
is really hard to picture
maybe I shouldn't think like that
because what if your opinion differs
because what if you leave?
I don;t want to be strangers again

I don't want to forget
the feeling of your arms wrapped around me
I don't want to forget
your laugh,
or the things you say, or do
that make me laugh
I don't want to forget
how you frustrate me sometimes
or the color of your eyes
But if that happens
I guess I'll survive
But I'm stuck on you now
I'm so, so, so stuck

you're my serendipity
i found you
not on purpose
but i found you
and you're wonderful
**** are you wonderful
i've waited for what seems
like a thousand years
but really it's only been one
but every day without you
feels like an eternity alone

sometimes i forget that i'm letting go
because when falling away from you
i sometimes grab on again
and i try climbing back up
to where i was
but i keep slipping farther
and the rope burn only gets worse
my hands are bleeding
but my stubbornness won't let me
simply let go
not without a fight
because i can't let anything just be
easy.

now as i walk these familiar halls
i am a stranger
and the feeling i have is odd
it's like i'm out of place
a puzzle piece that doesn't belong
walking through these halls
has never felt so wrong
it's like there's an ever going song
and i am a note in the wrong key
it would sound better if i would just
leave
and soon enough it will be over
but i found out what i already knew
these hallways are strange now
i shouldn't be here.

it’s not that you give me butterflies
cause that’s just not quite it
i don’t believe in butterflies anymore
they pass away too fast
don’t have a word
trying to explain
searching my brain
i’m drawing a blank
it’s not like we talk “Cute” to each other
that’s just not quite it
it’s like we’re best friends
talking till the day ends
it’s weird how suddenly
you became important to me
you went from “not-excactly-nothing”
to “someone-who-means-something”
this isn’t really cheesy
which may not be as pleasing
but it’s just how i’m feeling
i don’t know what that means in all honesty
i don’t know what you think of me
i don’t know if i mean anything
i don’t know who i am to you
why does any of that matter?
i guess I just like you
whatever that means
and if you don’t like me back
it’s still cool beans
i just really enjoy knowing you
and this is my way of showing you
talking to you brightens my day
you bring a smile to my face
i hope that somehow
i make your days better
that i somehow help your endeavor
i don’t want to say you’re different
don’t want to jinx myself
but somehow i feel different
it’s really bizarre
i don’t even know what i mean
i can only hope that you do
its not giddy infatuation
i just really like you

people always say that you are
what you eat
i lost my appetite
a while back
does that mean that
i'm nothing?
or maybe "you are what you eat" means
you are
what you experience
you are the people
you choose to surround yourself with
and the people who
surround themselves with you
you are your favorite song
your favorite book
your favorite poem
you are musical metaphors
the shows that fascinate you
and the characters that steal your heart
people like to say that
nobody is unique
but everyone eats differently
so how could that be?
my question still remains
if i have lost my appetite
for life
then what am i?
if i take in
only what i can choke down
only what others force down my throat
then what am i?
if you are what you eat
then i am withering
away
to
nothing.

independence
the freedom to try anything
once
freedom to fall flat on my ****
and knowing I have only myself
to lift me up again
on my own
experiencing the world
head first
not afraid to crack my head
and just bleed
explorer of the world
and of myself
finding beauty in things
that normally wouldn't
be considered beautiful
finding beauty in
myself
...
finding                        

  myself.


interdependence
community, fellowship
providing love for everyone
meeting people's needs
knowing we can't
do it all on our own

you make me want to puke
i used to think you were a duke
now i know that you are ******
you are just a big fat poopie
you smell just like my dog
and you're only attractive through fog
and from far away
but dang that ugly face
what did i ever see in you
you're a stinky pile of poo
I thought you gave me butterflies, but it was just that taco bell I had for lunch.

brave
i stood tall
silly
i let down walls
i was too busy
to guard my heart
too busy writing to think
about art
i forgot the basics
how do i breathe
but i can stand
on my own two feet
wobbly from getting up
i forgot how to walk
why did i fumble
i should have known better
but i clumsily stumble
in your direction
but you don't catch me
though it's not cold rejection
i missed because i had no compass
i didn't have a map
and honestly who was i kidding
i never had a chance.

too many nights
spent alone
too many weekends
wasted at home
i need something new
i need an adventure
my heart is thirsty
be my quencher
so take my hand
and lead me somewhere
show me something
and nothing can compare
take me somewhere thrilling
adrenaline pumping
or bone chilling
there is no other person
that i'd rather be with
not much to say
you just gotta believe it
just being with you
is an adventure itself
better than reading that book on the shelf

normally i'd expect
a
"hello"
or a
"how are you doing?"
but from you
i have learned even that
is too much
some people you just have to learn
not to expect
anything from
because your expectations
will only lead to                  disappointment
there's no need to be disappointed
if you expect
nothing
so i have given up on you
don't feel the need to apologize,
i don't expect much
especially
from
**someone like you

and we all just want to be
the subject of someone else's  poetry
someone else's endless fascination
to be compared to the ocean,
so mysterious and beautiful
because
for some reason
it would be enough
if you
were the person
that they think about
at four a.m. when
sleep escapes them
the reason that they sing
in the shower
we all are hungry
for weighty words
that fulfill our craving
to be loved
we want to be
stripped naked by
the rawness
of their metaphors
we  fall in love
not with others
but
with the way
we want others
to fall in love
with
us.

i'm a blanket thief
i have horrid bed head
i talk in my sleep
and i probably snore too
good luck.

I just wanted you to know
Who I am
I am:up till 3
allergic to dariy
A space case sometimes
Obsessed with the color yellow
In love with music
Living near trains
Someone who dances grocery store
loud
And quiet
a social butterfly
And extremely shy
So passionate
Sorry for my smelly feet
Always wearing yellow rain boots
bad at shaving my legs
unorganized
A sleep talker
A church goer
In love with God
Sometimes selfish
Someone who usually has good intentions
Going to tell you what you need to hear
The dork who sing along to songs in musicals
A natural blond.

but I'll be okay.

and somehow i'm still feeling raw
the wounds should have already been healed
still feeling the effects of your claw
and the layers of me are being peeled
you stripped me of feelings
sliced open old wounds
but on the outside
it looks just like a bruise
can we trust what we see?
is it all what it seems?
because you appeared friendly
but you can't see venom
you just feel it when it's injected
and you poisoned me
my mind is infected
sometimes silence
cuts deeper than words
and i would love to pretend
that it was truth i had heard
but a lie was all
that you sloppily slurred
it was what you deemed i deserved
apparently you didn't find in me what you wanted
but nevertheless with my feelings you taunted
i was just another game played
until you saw
your new found prey.

you must have no clue
because i am only interested in you
sometimes you keep me up late
and I wonder how long i can wait
i'm bursting at the seams
i'm trying not to tell you, but that's not what my heart screams
can i just give you a hint
i want you to know, but i would rather you didn't
the ending of your name is n
and i consider you a good friend
but that's not your real name
your first name ends in an a
and this is where things start getting messy
my heart starts getting heavy
if i don't tell you i will regret
my feelings i should confess
i wish i could take off your mask
and i can
i know i can but some little insecurity
inside of me is telling me not to
why am i letting fear control me
i've talked to you
ABOUT you
isn't that just silly
bet you didn't know
i am waiting till december and that's as far as i can go
fifty four days till i'm free
of two different captivities
but maybe i can't wait that long
should i tell you soon
i wish you could answer this
i'm sure my friends are sick
of hearing about you.

at the end of the day
if we piled up all the excuses made
would they be more than what
we've actually done?
because all the excuses we make take up
the majority of our lives
we hide in fear
until we realize
we're not living
but we're alive
is that enough?
not for me
and maybe i'll have to go it alone
in none of you is bravery shown
and sitting there isn't getting you
anywhere
but to be fair i've spent my fair share
of time in a comfy chair
but it's time to get outside
time to breathe in life
adventure is calling me
and i won't betray it
that's cowardly
i'm going to leave you far behind
but i warned you
maybe this isn't goodbye
there might still be time to catch up
but my dizzy dreamer head is thirsty enough
that i might be farther gone than you thought
and maybe i'm wrong maybe you better not.

take my hand
i'll take you somewhere new
we'll go on an adventure
just us two
we'll laugh and joke
**** and tease
new feelings we'll evoke
we'll dance
pretending we know how
stepping on each others feet
giving everything a chance
sleep underneath the stars
huddling together for warmth
nothing could bother us because the world is ours
we are free to roam
free to explore
take my hand let's go
there's no time to "be bored"

I saw someone today who reminded me of you

they were sitting with a girl

drinking tea

having fun

laughing

I got really sad

because that could have been you

and I realized that

for the past year

I found that I can't see me with anyone else

I tried

to flirt with attractive boys

but



I





just





didn't





feel





anything



no tingly happiness

just

nothing

but with you

your name pops up

on my screen

and

it's you

I just immerse

with happiness

maybe

I'm

obsessed

that's such an ugly word

sometimes I try and convince myself

that I don't have feelings for you

I'm just lonely

but it's not true

because sometimes it works

and then you laugh

and I realize it can't be true

i'm pretty good at lying to

myself

i practice all

the time

but then

then you come along again

and ******

i falter

and my porcelain strength shatters

i live a messy

messy life.