If you think
that you know me
you're probably
wrong
I don't
say                              
a lot                
of things.

1.** that i know you can't always be there for me
and sometimes you can't even be there for yourself
but sometimes
it hurts because
while trying to help build you up
i'm my own construction worker as well
and building two things up at once
....
rarely goes well.

2. that i know that you care about me
more than you show it
but i sometimes wish...
that maybe
...
maybe
you showed it
just a little more.

3. that i don't always know
what you need
but i will always try and help you
even sometimes
at my own
expense.

4. i need you to know
that you are way more important to me
than you can probably imagine
and that when you're feeling small you can remember
that you matter
to at least one soul.

5. that you are not alone in your battles
and that i take the "no soldier left behind" thing
very seriously.

6. that even though i am beyond confused
at where we stand at any given moment
i'll stand here with you.

7. that the times you need me most
i will be there
even if you can't do the same.

8. that you are worth it
all of it
every
last
bit

9. that i love you
in whatever form you want to take it
or if you want to take it at all

I am an ocean
Restless, vast, constantly moving
Rarely ever
Settled
Wave after wave
Crashing constantly
Even in my stillness I'm unsettled

So much living within
Beneath the surface
I am bursting with life
Waiting to be explored
Theres much I have yet
To even discover

Danger lies within
Ready to be stirred
Be cautious
My heart, the eye of the storm
Known to leave destruction in its wake

Somehow
You manage to calm the storms within
Storms turn less destructive and give life
To beauty
You awaken in me light and laughter
You are my blue sky, my ray of sunshine
Together we make a beautiful summer day.

once upon a fallen dream
i had forgotten how to scream
life is cold and infinitely mean
are things really as they seem?


trapped inside this empty cell
there is no way that i could tell
which way to go to escape this hell
what would happen if i fell?

tumbling out of control
my breath is taken from me, stole
where do i go to seize my soul
i need something to fill the hole

if I ever reach the light
will you even reveal my knight?
will my eyes ever regain their sight?
can i even win this fight?


such a cruel spiteful jailer
my stripes were sent to the tailor
wish this was just a movie trailer
face to face with my impaler

into the mirror i stare

my reflection i cannot bear

there’s someone with so much despair

and no one bothers to care

i lost the battle of life

bled out cause a kitchen knife

my mind was riddled with inner strife

my stiff body fell with lithe

cold and dead I lie

no one dares to cry

my soul is free to fly

and there’s not need to try

with such grace i was set free

it took dying for me to see

no longer trapped like a bumblebee

i have found the once lost key

the silence brings me comfort

i no longer have to suffer

your days on this foul earth are numbered

the truth will be uncovered

beauty once vain now is pure

happiness comes , this i ensure

for the plague of life, death is the cure

but to life you’ve become inure

you don’t have to sit through hell
NOBODY hears you when you yell
is there a reason for you to dwell
there is none that i can tell

peace will come if you give in
they say suicide is a sin
then you should proudly sin with a grin
go on, take those pills with gin

one after one i coach them
my pleasure is when they’re condemned
i tell them that death is their friend
but death isn’t even the end


such a clever one aren’t i?
wonder where you go when you die?
silly beings think that they shall fly
i enjoy watching them try

but he saves us from your reign

all of your efforts are in vain

because you have already been slain

Jesus Christ will always reign

Savior cradles me in his arms

i was once caged behind bars

but through him  i was set free

not bound by rules

i am safe with him for eternity

i was trapped with rules of verse

but my savior broke that curse

didn’t know what  i was worth

there was purpose for my birth

my sin through him was forgiven

now what is in store for me is unveiled

your instructions to get here are detailed

it’s simple just accept the gift

heal the hole, your God sized rift

ask him for his forgiveness

and he will rid you of your sickness

trust me, i’m an eyewitness.

Bold enough to speak my mind
but i've let you cross the line
i didn't speak up soon enough
but i also spoke to soon
maybe this friendship
was only meant to last til noon.

I have learned that
Some people will never
Own up to their actions
They live in their own world
In which they believe they played the part perfectly
You can’t play the role if you don’t show up to the set
You’ve been written out of my life and yet you keep trying to cast yourself the same role
Over and over again
And it makes me wonder if you know
How a no-call-no-show really affects the director
And are you really that good at acting?
Or do you really not know how your actions impacted the story?
This wasn’t a normal play and you didn’t have an understudy
So I was left trying to find people to fill your role
Now the story has moved on without you
And you pretend as if you’ve been a part this whole time
The cast has changed a lot throughout the years
And now you want to jump right back in
Without even knowing how the story has developed in your absence
So why
Should I write you back in?
If you won’t own up
To the part you played in the character development that happened
As a result of your absence
You had one of the only roles that I had no choice in casting
But you had a choice, and you clearly didn’t want the part
Now you get to pretend
That you won an Oscar, you should get a standing ovation
But you haven’t played that part in years
If I replayed the last few acts of the story you would not be even a minor character, but I think you said a couple lines in the beginning.

I shouldn't have cared
but you weren't there
I searched into the crowd
but you were nowhere to be found
and I even reminded you
I don't even know why I bothered
to believe you would come
because you've never been there before
my bad, I'll remember that ...
next time.

Becoming brave I walk tall
Not afraid to stumble or fall
Dauntless I will walk the streets
To appease the wanderlust of my aching feet
No idea where I'll go
Or what the adventure will sow
Fear has no reign over me
Like a bird, now I am free
Explorer of the world we know
Like a flower my soul will grow
My only guide the moon, and sun
I'll break out into an all-out run
Sprinting past the fields of green
I will barely ever be seen
Disappeared into the night
Still a child of the moonlight.

never have i had so great a time
all so lovely
each brings something different to the group
all equally odd
you brighten up my life
each a different ray of sunshine
slightly dysfunctional
laughter is a promise
there in times of need
so valuable
the definition of awesome

apathy
sometimes
i can't bring myself to care
how you feel
because i don't
sometimes i just like watching
extreme emotions
does that make me a sadist?
i go through periods of extreme emotion
and periods of no feeling at all
often times it just depends on
the time of the month
but mostly i feel nothing
and sometimes that's terrible
it's never effective when it's convenient for me
it comes and goes
at it's will
apathy
sometimes i beg
just to feel something at all
void
and then the littlest of emotions
seems extreme
sometimes
i argue with you
even though i don't care
because i know anybody else would be angry
maybe i'm ******* up
misophonia
the sound of chewing
or breathing loud
brings out
spurts of emotion
cringe
glare
angry
but usually
there's nothing
so when i do feel
it's overwhelming
crying is a big deal
sometimes i can make myself
cry
sometimes i pretend to feel
apathy
but only when i'm actually thinking
mindlessly reading
or watching a movie
emotions on the page
or on the screen
i can suddenly feel again

what are you afraid of?
what shakes you with fright?
are you scared of the monsters?
who go bump in the night?
are you scared of tight spaces?
scared of not going places?
do you ever fear you'll lose someone?
you'll wake up one day and they'll just be gone?
i want to know what scares you
so i know when to hold your hand
i've told you what scares me
what fills my heart with fear
something like bumble bee
like not having a clue on what I want to make as a career
you know that writing scares me
you know that i can't stop
but you don't know a couple things
like how it scares me that you make my stomach flop
i never used to be so scared of feeling this way
i promise you that once i was really rather brave
it scares me that you might leave
that you might not even care
that maybe one day you'll get bored
and i'll search but you won't be there.

And I wish that I could write you off
as easily as I feel you do to me
but all I seem to be able to do
is write ABOUT you.

this lack of communication
is leaving me wondering even more
it's not even that we're dancing
around the subject
we're at a stalemate
silence
i would rather the alternative
because at least then i would have
noise to distract me from
the bustle of my busy mind
running in every which direction
trying to find
where we stand
we weren't standing
when you kissed me
we were on your floor
listening to records
reading comics
and then everything stopped
when you kissed me,
all except my mind
which was racing
and my heart which was pounding
wondering if you kissed me
just because you were intoxicated
or because being intoxicated gave you
the little bit of courage needed
to close the gap between my lips and yours
or in that moment was there clarity?
because it really isn't clear to me
and i guess in a bit we'll see
where we stand
for now i sit in
the chaos of my curious mind
wishing i had even a clue
of where to go
from here.

I want your warmth
so come
let's cuddle
until we beat the cold
and darling with you
i want to grow old
we can lay by the fire
reading together
and i couldn't think of anything better.

Every time I think I've found
a new poet to love
they're taken.

It seems so easy to lose yourself
In so many different ways
You can lose yourself
In a book
In writing
In a hobby
Or you can lose yourself
To your guilt
To meaningless time *****
To the media
No longer do I want to lose myself
In things that don't fill me
With love
With light
With joy
I want to ignite
To write
To be passionate
Not passive
I do not want to be a passive participant in life
Distracted by the lighting of my phone
So easy to miss out when
You're worrying about everything you might miss out on through a screen

you have big dreams
i'm just living
compared to you
i'm insignificant
what good can i bring the world
except a smile
and a poem
but what good is that at the end of the day
what lives can my words save?
i can't help
but feel helpless
where do i have to go in life
i just feel lost
need a compass
maybe you can give me a map
or a gps
where do i go from here
the Cheshire cat would say it doesn't matter
as long as i get somewhere
i would beg to differ
give me a tour guide
to take me through my life
because i'm feeling lost
and it's making me cross
but we're all mad here
and maybe madness is driving this fear
i don't want to get stuck
so wish me luck
when you leave me for your big dreams
i'll be bursting at the seams
or maybe that's just how it seems
why does art feel like it's so unimportant
it's all i can do, i'll draw you a portrait
i guess you could say that it helps life's endeavor
but there are people in my position who can do it much better
so i sit here
sorry for myself
my  BIG dreams are for my book
to be on a shelf
the book i haven't finished
because it's all that i have
and i feel my dreams diminished
i don't know who i am.

tonight the shadows ate the moon
i sat there in awe as it was slowly consumed
little by little the brightness was devoured
and behind the shadows, the moon never cowered
the blood moon shined
as the sun and moon aligned
and the moonlight becomes you
you too are consumed
eyes bright and full of wonder
the cold wind makes you shudder
make a wish as the last sliver disappears .
let the music of the night fill your ears

I want to be loved by a poet
because only poets know how
to steal your heart with words
a poet can capture your soul
within one simple poem
but can two poets coexist?

*can a poet love a poet?

tears ebb their way gently out of my eyes
and trace a pattern on my cheek
leading to my lips
filling every crack that chapstick couldn't fix
the salty taste it leaves
still doesn't rid me of this bad taste in my mouth
sadness never tasted sweet anyways
my lips are still chapped
so i'll brush my teeth and rinse my mouth
desperately trying to rid of this aftertaste
i put on chapstick because one day
i'll cry and at least the cracks in my lips
will be fixed

we are constantly in a game of chicken
trying to get across how we feel
it's easier when the feelings are written
but saying them aloud is much more real
i might say something kind of flirty
in hopes that you might flirt back
but i always worry
maybe i have feelings that you lack
maybe we're just both hinting around
trying to get each others' attention
but we avoid what might be profound
oh and did i mention
i have a few things i wanted to tell you
maybe i'll tell you later
actually they're a bit overdue
but i've given you many-an-indicator
i pretty much adore you
as if you couldn't tell
yes, yes it is true
i know exactly how it all befell

you must have no clue
because i am only interested in you
sometimes you keep me up late
and I wonder how long i can wait
i'm bursting at the seams
i'm trying not to tell you, but that's not what my heart screams
can i just give you a hint
i want you to know, but i would rather you didn't
the ending of your name is n
and i consider you a good friend
but that's not your real name
your first name ends in an a
and this is where things start getting messy
my heart starts getting heavy
if i don't tell you i will regret
my feelings i should confess
i wish i could take off your mask
and i can
i know i can but some little insecurity
inside of me is telling me not to
why am i letting fear control me
i've talked to you
ABOUT you
isn't that just silly
bet you didn't know
i am waiting till december and that's as far as i can go
fifty four days till i'm free
of two different captivities
but maybe i can't wait that long
should i tell you soon
i wish you could answer this
i'm sure my friends are sick
of hearing about you.

i still remember lots of things about you
our first kiss
was in my bathroom
in the dark
we bumped noses.

(never) in my life
(have) i been organized
(i)'ve always
(found comfort in) clutter
favoring (a room)
(with) collections of curiosities
than one with (clear surfaces).

and if i were to compare you to anything
it would be to how i like my coffee:
strong enough to wake me up
when nothing else will  do the trick
sweet enough to remind me
that there is still magic
but most importantly i want you
warm and pressed gently
against my lips.

i like collecting snowflakes
on my eyelashes.

what has my life become
studying and cursing the sun
melting in the desert heat
dragging my tired feet
prying open my sleepy eyes
desperately trying to be wise
laughing with friends at odd hours
singing and dancing in the shower
running only on caffeine
my desk is constantly unclean
missing home
hair uncombed
bus to work
in the library i lurk
book after book
intentions mistook
ukulele jamming
before-quiz cramming
praising God
looking odd
hair color changes with my mood
wishing for a change in food
longing for the mountains
missing my church in Fountain
finding my place in the world
becoming more woman than girl.

i forget sometimes
that i have nothing to prove to you
nevertheless i catch myself trying
maybe i should set random reminders
on my phone
that help me remember
that you don't matter
how many times do i have to be reminded?
parasites like you
try and feed off girls with a little meat on their bones
and maybe that's why you didn't stay
i don't have enough meat to satiate your hunger
i've got enough to feed off of for a little
but you're not a very intimidating parasite
you just got under my skin
maybe i'm a narcissist
and i just want everyone to love me
or maybe i'm stupid
and i was hoping that somebody would be you
because you didn't appear to be a parasite
i was hoping for a symbiotic relationship
there was no chemistry there
my hypothesis was a bust
and that's not an experiment that i would like to replicate
i got the science all wrong
in sociology  we're learning how to ask better "sociological questions"
they're not supposed to focus on the individual
so maybe i'd ask
"What in our culture makes it seem socially acceptable for males to be complete tools to their female counterparts?"
oh but in English we're learning how to argue
my claim would be: I think he's an *******
and then what would follow are
reasons
grounds
warrant
and backing
all of which i have against you
college has taught me valuable things
like it's not society's fault you're a *****
you just are.

i'm a colorful person
i have a very colorful soul
i have eyes as blue as oceans
and boots as yellow as gold
hair that changes like the weather
an aura that's like a rainbow
and whenever we're together
i'm sure that my face glows.

i'm really bad
at confrontation
not at all like my mom
especially when it's face to face
it makes me nervous even to just call you
so how i'm going to tell you
i
don't
know
i'm panicking because what if you
forget about me between  
now
and
then
and i know that i will be
okay
but i don't want to lose
you
because i feel like if nothing happens
now
we'll go back to being
strangers
but i don't think it will be
like it usually is
this time
you won't
come
back
so please hold on
so
please
hold
on.

I warned myself
Not to let a person
Feel like a home
But I let down my walls
And built up new ones with you
Reconstructing what I thought love was
Should have brought a hard hat
Probably hit my head when I fell
For you
You've got me feeling kind of silly
Feeling kind of light headed
But never faint hearted
You keep my heart
And my stomach
Full.

people seem to approach me
in a matter where I am their....
prey
their is no such thing as "civil" war and so they
back me into a corner
defenseless and unsuspecting
of course i'm going to fall in the
hole
or step on the landmine
but if you expect me to get out
or get up
I'm going to need a helping hand
i don't see things from the same perspective
you're looking down on me
in a pit you pushed me into
and i'm looking up at you
trying to apologize
and get out
of this deep
dark
hole.

25 more days in captivation
44 until i'm actually free
graduation can't come any sooner
I want to know if  you're waiting for me

when I give you the letter
liberation
no longer ****** by curiosity

when i give you the letter will things change?
or will they be how they've always been?

too many nights
spent alone
too many weekends
wasted at home
i need something new
i need an adventure
my heart is thirsty
be my quencher
so take my hand
and lead me somewhere
show me something
and nothing can compare
take me somewhere thrilling
adrenaline pumping
or bone chilling
there is no other person
that i'd rather be with
not much to say
you just gotta believe it
just being with you
is an adventure itself
better than reading that book on the shelf

i would like to dance with (you)
i have (never) been good at dancing
I (considered) taking lessons
but (my) time never allowed it
the music persuades  my (feelings)
(how) does it make you feel?
i warn you, i am (clumsy)
(of) course i'm a little nervous
it might take (me) a few times
(sorry) if i step on your feet
grace is not something (i) posses
i (thought) i should let you know
(i) have never slow danced before
because i have never found someone i thought (mattered) enough
to dance with.

people bastardize the dandelion
and say its just a nasty ****
but it brightens up your yard
so with you, i plead
do not fret about the dandelions
when they overtake your land
their wispy little seeds
are really wishes in your hand
how many dandelion bouquets
will it take
for you to see
that little yellow flower
is best
if just
let
be.

unaware,oblivious
you're constantly talking
talking is not required
kiss me

it's your birthday
and i didn't even think about you once today
it's your birthday
and i didn't even remember
i forgot
like you forgot
me
and my birthday
didn't remember till someone else
told me
and it occurred to me today
that i don't think about you
not even on special occasions
I.E :your birthday.

i'm a blanket thief
i have horrid bed head
i talk in my sleep
and i probably snore too
good luck.

Sometimes you wake me up early
to ignore the cold
and embrace your warmth
you interrupt my life
and i just have to tune in
and listen
i want to be used by you
no distractions
i want to live for the cause
no excuses
and yet i still fail to realize
that my days are numbered
limited time
the people around me are struggling
but my comfort zone and i aren't done snuggling
push my comfort zone away
i'm here to live for your name
Hallelujah i cry out
you wipe away my fear and doubt
i'm standing on the ledge
now all i need to do is jump
because compared to you, nothing else in all creation
can trump
sometimes i get lost and confused
i put myself first
i end up bruised
that kind of sinful nature
is what brought along the hearse
there is nothing I can do
to break this dreadful curse
but in Jesus' name I'm saved
so now I'll live in Reverse.

Feeling indefinite
feelings indefinite
my feelings aren't definite
i'm feeling definite?
definitely in love with you?
but it isn't definite..
i don't know if that's how you define it
i am indefinite
searching for definite
definition: clearly stated or decided; not vague or doubtful
definitely trying to define it
i have love for you
but whether or not i'm in love with you
is indefinite.

There's nothing quite like
Your first family dog
You bring him home as a puppy
And he is rambunctious and playful
He tugs at your ponytail and nips at your ankles
Always seems to find trouble
And then he gets older, he still likes to chase squirrels
Thinks he's the biggest baddest dog in town
He will always protect your family from the evil mastermind ( also known as the mailman)
Will always provide love and comfort
And is forever happy to see you
Especially if you have doggy ice cream or a banana ( but really he's not picky he'll eat anything other than lettuce)
There's nothing quite like
How a dog becomes family
From the moment you bring him home
He is filled with love and you are filled with love for him
You begin to make memories and then
Eventually it's hard to recall
Memories made without him
Through the good and the bad he was always by your side
There's nothing quite like
The heartbreak that happens
When your dog dies
When you lose a part of your family
Just thinking about the next time you go home
He won't be there to greet you with a wagging tail
There's nothing quite like dogs.

I have the face of a  Porcelain Doll
or so I'm told
but unlike Porcelain Dolls
my face continues to grow old

I have been told I'm a beautiful girl
but beauty fades with time
so don't fall in love with beauty
but fall in love with rhyme.

calling me a child
is a little bit childish?

it's good to know
that you give me respect
that my feelings matter?
not even a spec
i moved away
and now i'm left in the dust
it's good to know that i was just a product
of your lust
i didn't really matter
but that's what you led me to believe
i see what you did there
she's just a replacement for me
because i was convenient
because i was there
and now that i'm gone you don't care
so you move on to the next girl
who happens to be my friend
let's see how this story unfolds
but for you and i this is the end
apparently it was over as soon as i left
but you didn't have the ***** to tell me
i won't allow any time theft
you wasted my time
and i can't get that back
i'll forgive you of your crime
and handle this with grace
I wonder if the next time you see me
if you'll be able to look me in the face.

(Do you) know what you mean to me
I don't know how to explain it, you just make me (feel) happy
Things aren't (the same) as they used to be
(I) don't know what to do
So I'll just sit here and (hope)
I'll wait  for you to make the first move (so) I don't have to
(but) you won't do it
(if) I had the courage
(not) like a mouse
(that's) so weak
I would have told you
but I don't and that's (okay) ,okay?

and even though we speak in the same language
we are worlds apart
and how i wish that i
could be the one
to warm your tired heart
i wish my words could chill your bones
but maybe our paths
aren't meant to intertwine
but your words tear me limb from limb
they are the ocean that i'm sinking in
and i THOUGHT that i knew how to swim
but your ocean is violent: grim.

you still make me tremble
even after all this time
talking to you makes me shake
i was on solid ground
and you're an earthquake
now it's just the aftershock
i honestly thought that you forgot.