i can't tell if you're gone for good this time
or just testing my patience
that's how it is with you
you give me just enough to want to hold on to
but not enough to actually hold
all i have is shreds of the paper in your binding
enough to piece together some things
but not enough to tell the full story
they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder
they are wrong.

you have left an imprint
on my heart
and no matter how hard i try
to forget you
like you did me
little things remind me of you
they keep you just a phone call away
a three minute walk from my front door to yours
the snow on the ground reminds me
of your promise to have a snowball fight
and my promise that i would surely win
it's hard to forget someone when
all the memories you made
were close to home
i want to move far away
i'm suffocating under the pressure
of the constant reminders
because all around the neighborhood
are reminders of you
but it seems that the story of us
is one you have forgotten
there are no memories
but you're everywhere to me
and it's getting hard to see
i need time to
breathe
i'm gasping for air
desperately trying to push them away
but i'm drowning
and home never felt more oppressive
and the reminders make me feel
obsessive
but is it really too much
to ask you to remember that i exist?

normally i'd expect
a
"hello"
or a
"how are you doing?"
but from you
i have learned even that
is too much
some people you just have to learn
not to expect
anything from
because your expectations
will only lead to                  disappointment
there's no need to be disappointed
if you expect
nothing
so i have given up on you
don't feel the need to apologize,
i don't expect much
especially
from
**someone like you

don't get too attached to me
i'll distance
myself


from




you

                        up
my guard is          

my strongest soldiers are just watching
waiting to tear
y  o   u
                                              a  p  a  r  t

so­ don't get to attached to me
because i won't ever feel the same
there is a barrier intact now
that barrier that only seems to crumble
when |he| is around
he will always be a mystery to me
and maybe
that's what gets me
he's the book i want to read
but he's unattainable
i've read merely a few chapters and i'm hooked
but the library wanted him back
i could no longer read him
late
my book overdue
and i knew that date would come
they never marked it in ink
but it was etched in my bones
i could only renew
for so long
and then eventually his pages were no longer mine
my borrowed time with him was over
a late fee lingers over my heart
but every now and then
i borrow him again
i steal glances
but lately, i can't seem to read but page at a time
i've left plenty of books half-read
and had no problem with it
but he is encrypted in my binding
his name written on the pages of my heart
and i can't seem to put him down
i too, am a book
and i realize that we are separated by genre
he's in science fiction
and i'm  historical fiction
once, i read a book that combined the two,
it was beautiful
and maybe i was hoping
we too(two)
could be
beautiful.

and i am no longer
underneath your spell
i feel numb
but it's hard to tell
will this last?
or will i ease back in
or is my pain just masked
i can't tell because  of how long it's been
how long has it been?
long enough, that's for sure
i have long since felt abandoned
i have long since been taken in
but i don't know how to feel
without your spell i am numb
will i resist or easily succumb?
i am reminded that even though
it might provide pain
emotions are beautiful
it might be nice to feel again

this is my slogan
can i make it true?

Reasons to give you up:
1. i don't think that you could ever give me
what i **need
and i don't ask for much
2. you make time for the people
that you care about
3. if i forget about you
time will heal my battle wounds
and they won't be ripped back open
4. there are plenty of people
who want my time
(I just don't want theirs)
5. i'm not very patient
and weeks
feel like years
6. you probably couldn't feel the same
7. i was foolish to try

Reasons to wait:
1. you have my heart
2. your smile
3. your laugh
4. your passion
5. the way that you look at me
when you think i don't notice
6. the truth in your eyes
7. even after all this time
you still captivate me

can somebody give me a tie breaker?

and you make time
for the things that you want to do
you make time for the people
you care about
even on your busiest of days
if you cared
you would make time
but my time with you
has run out
there is no longer
any time for me
in your day

and even though we speak in the same language
we are worlds apart
and how i wish that i
could be the one
to warm your tired heart
i wish my words could chill your bones
but maybe our paths
aren't meant to intertwine
but your words tear me limb from limb
they are the ocean that i'm sinking in
and i THOUGHT that i knew how to swim
but your ocean is violent: grim.

now as i walk these familiar halls
i am a stranger
and the feeling i have is odd
it's like i'm out of place
a puzzle piece that doesn't belong
walking through these halls
has never felt so wrong
it's like there's an ever going song
and i am a note in the wrong key
it would sound better if i would just
leave
and soon enough it will be over
but i found out what i already knew
these hallways are strange now
i shouldn't be here.

It was only a matter of time
before you forgot about me again
have I ever meant anything to you?
or am I just a disposable friend?
and try as I might
I'm not good at playing pretend
how much time will it take
for this broken heart to mend?
i gave you my all
in everything i wrote
and all the rest of my words
are now caught in my throat
your silence is chilling
will you lend me your coat?
for now i make my own warmth
i won't try and share yours
forgive me for trying
to break through closed doors
the look in your eyes
took me further than the shores
i know you're an ocean
there's more to you than i see
my boat capsized
you threw me out to the sea
and somehow i think i knew
we could never be.

And somehow
i will strip myself of you
i will remove your name
from my lips
i will no longer speak your name
i will remove your name
from my heart
i will have no attachments to you
and it might take a while
because it's been a long time
but somehow
i
will rid myself of you
but i'm not saying that when someone else speaks your name
i won't still smile
or if i see you around i won't say hi
but i'm stripping myself of you
no longer will i be the one to try
i'm stripping myself of
you

Two am sleep habits are tough to break
"I'll go to bed early" I say
Yet here I am
Awake
The witching hour has yet to come
And I'll never wake up before the sun.

The cure to 3 am sadness
tylenol pm at 10.

Three am sadness,
This is new
I'm not usually up past two
My eyes are swollen
Tears betray me
Tossing and turning
My eyes are burning
And while I might not seem broken
I leave plenty of things unspoken
All my ghosts have come out to play
Haunting, teasing, taunting me today.

i am
nothing
but
a mess
in all senses of the word
clumsy and awkward
not beautiful
or graceful
not the kind of girl
that people write about
i'm the girl who never has anything fully
together
procrastinator
with a slight lisp
clothes slightly wrinkled
never get enough sleep
sharp enough to make you laugh
but not enough to capture your soul
i am the laundry you dropped behind the washer
loved but forgotten and worn
i can't take your breath away
or make your heart skip a beat
i'm not the kind of girl who is etched into your bones
not the kind of girl who you might call home
and if i manage to capture your heart
i'll never capture it fully
because i'm the kind of girl who never has
anything fully
together.

Why didn't I just open my eyes?
Because how much you care
is a reflection of your time
and you used to give me the
time of day
but somehow I seem to have faded away
you don't care
at least not anymore
because there's no time for me
in your day
and I guess...
i guess that's OKAY
because things happen
and friends
become strangers
and maybe we were never meant to be more than that
maybe we were destined to be
strangers.

I don't want you (wrapped around my finger).

please don't lie to me
don't tell me you're going to do something
and not do it
please prove me wrong
because now
i'm seeing that you're probably the same
same guy
different name
same crap
different day
but it's not supposed to be this way
so please
prove me wrong.

what is it
that I am even holding onto
anymore?

sometimes i forget that i'm letting go
because when falling away from you
i sometimes grab on again
and i try climbing back up
to where i was
but i keep slipping farther
and the rope burn only gets worse
my hands are bleeding
but my stubbornness won't let me
simply let go
not without a fight
because i can't let anything just be
easy.

i did my time
and now i am free
i can fly far away
with my un-clipped wings
i am no longer caged
i am free to roam
less time will be spent
lingering at home

forgetting you,
are you forgetting me too?
or do little things
still remind you of me
because i am reminded
constantly
do you look for me
in crowds of people?
hoping that maybe,
we might cross paths?
because i'm no good at forgetting
i just keep thinking about the past
i miss our long conversations
and how easily you made me laugh
but now it feels like
we're not even friends
this time things are different
this time there's less effort
and i'm trying to not try
but i don't want to say
goodbye
i've never been good
at letting go
so maybe i need a push.

but I'll be okay.

i am finally getting used to
the absence
of
you

chasing the sun

i broke out in a run

i'm in a full out sprint

i'm in pursuit of the wind

the sun went away

the sky has turned gray

rain pours out of clouds

all there is is now

i have to be brave

break out of my chains

now is where it begins

now is where it ends

how are you?

i love to read
because I can wrap myself
in the security of
someone else's story
i can envelop myself in the warmth
of the characters who become
friends
and when the book ends
i feel
saudade
a nostalgic longing to be near again
to something
or someone
that is distant,
or
that has been loved and then
lost;
"The love that remains"
and that is the best fit definition
i could find
because that feeling feels so
indescribable
but characters become so real
they become friends
and family
and you can't help but feel
after the story is over
*and then the process repeats.

sometimes i run my mouth
just to hear myself talk
sometimes i say things i don't mean
just to see if you were ever listening
and i promise you this
my mouth will be the death of me
awaken me with a kiss
the wicked witch put a spell on me
and if i do something bad
my mouth is sure to tell on me
because sometimes i can't feel
but i say something anyways
just to fill the air
just to let you know
i'm still
there
and sometimes i get scared that if i don't talk
you'll forget me
so i'm sorry if any of the words i say
are empty
i have this horrid fear of being left
and forgotten
it's a silly fear
but it makes me feel rotten
so every once in a while
let me know that you care
because anxiety gets the best of me
and then it takes the rest of me
and that is when i feel
and it's terrible and you can't imagine
how hard it hits
but i can tell you that it hurts
but it's an easy fix.

at the end of the day
if we piled up all the excuses made
would they be more than what
we've actually done?
because all the excuses we make take up
the majority of our lives
we hide in fear
until we realize
we're not living
but we're alive
is that enough?
not for me
and maybe i'll have to go it alone
in none of you is bravery shown
and sitting there isn't getting you
anywhere
but to be fair i've spent my fair share
of time in a comfy chair
but it's time to get outside
time to breathe in life
adventure is calling me
and i won't betray it
that's cowardly
i'm going to leave you far behind
but i warned you
maybe this isn't goodbye
there might still be time to catch up
but my dizzy dreamer head is thirsty enough
that i might be farther gone than you thought
and maybe i'm wrong maybe you better not.

if all i need to do is move on
then why does it feel so....
wrong
i hope it doesn't take too
long
because my fragile strength is
gone
i'm exhausted by everything this month
everything is getting to be
much
I'm just ready to be
done
done with so many things on my
plate
they all need to just go
away

brave
i stood tall
silly
i let down walls
i was too busy
to guard my heart
too busy writing to think
about art
i forgot the basics
how do i breathe
but i can stand
on my own two feet
wobbly from getting up
i forgot how to walk
why did i fumble
i should have known better
but i clumsily stumble
in your direction
but you don't catch me
though it's not cold rejection
i missed because i had no compass
i didn't have a map
and honestly who was i kidding
i never had a chance.

At the end of the day
at least i tried
i'm more than okay
i gave it a shot
and maybe i missed my target
but what was i aiming for?i forgot
and everything will be alright
i will  let this  go
i will let you go
now it's over
i'm finally done
and it's hard to decide if
my battle was won
but now it's over
it's a little bittersweet
i'll have to find a new path
for my wandering feet.

come on skinny love
just last the year
can we last
will we last
the year
or will this be
our last year
please
pretty please
hold on
hold tight
we're strong
we can last
we can last
the year
say it's not so
this won't be our
last year.

can you see
how much i've grown
since i've known you
not just in height
but as a person
can you see
how much i've grown?
because i can
and i stand taller now
than i did before
but you've grown too
maybe not in height
but as a person
you grew
and i grew
to love you.

i like collecting snowflakes
on my eyelashes.

and slowly i'll drift
away from you
with each passing day
they say
that absence makes the heart grow fonder
but sometimes absence makes you forget
forget the smiles shared
and the moments you got lost in
forget the poems i wrote
and the time spent wishing just
for one moment
i could call you mine
not like my property,
but mine
and i'll forget what color your eyes are
and how your laugh made me feel warm
and i'll forget who drew me that picture
i'll forget how your arms felt around me
i'll forget all the things you were so passionate about
and the things you didn't like
i'll forget where we met
and all the fun we had that summer
and the letter that i wrote you
i'll forget your smell and your thoughts about politics
i'll forget which music was your favorite
and all the little things that made you tick
but i bet you'll forget me too
you'll forget my love of puns
or how I'm a bibliophile
you won't remember my laugh
or my smile
or how I cannot dance
you'll forget what color my eyes are
and  my yellow rain boots
you'll forget about my novel
and my love of poetry
i'll forget about you
and you'll forget about me
we'll go in different directions
totally different paths
i'll be on a plane to Wales
and you'll be on a plane to Italy
and maybe i'll see you in the airport someday
maybe i'll recognize your voice
maybe i'll remember how i should have tried
maybe i made the wrong choice
will it really be that easy to forget you
i don't think there's a chance at that
will it be easy to forget me?
or did i make a big impact?

I want your warmth
so come
let's cuddle
until we beat the cold
and darling with you
i want to grow old
we can lay by the fire
reading together
and i couldn't think of anything better.

bibliophile
because i like watching
my collection compile
the feeling of a book
is one i can't explain
it's happiness, excitement
a thrill for my brain
books make for wonderful friends
because the next book starts when the first one ends
and there's a giant supply
a list of things to read
a list so big, i couldn't possibly complete
books are the perfect gift
because a piece of you is always in it
it warms my soul
a smile of gold
because of what in my hands
i hold
because a book is much more
than words on a page
it's part of a writer's soul captured
but not caged
because writing is like bleeding
and that's why i love reading
and so when you give me
your favorite book
it's not something lightly took
because a piece of you
is somewhere in there.

mondays
recovering from
busy sundays
trying to function
barely able to speak
a couple more days
left in the school week

you're my serendipity
i found you
not on purpose
but i found you
and you're wonderful
**** are you wonderful
i've waited for what seems
like a thousand years
but really it's only been one
but every day without you
feels like an eternity alone

apathy
sometimes
i can't bring myself to care
how you feel
because i don't
sometimes i just like watching
extreme emotions
does that make me a sadist?
i go through periods of extreme emotion
and periods of no feeling at all
often times it just depends on
the time of the month
but mostly i feel nothing
and sometimes that's terrible
it's never effective when it's convenient for me
it comes and goes
at it's will
apathy
sometimes i beg
just to feel something at all
void
and then the littlest of emotions
seems extreme
sometimes
i argue with you
even though i don't care
because i know anybody else would be angry
maybe i'm ******* up
misophonia
the sound of chewing
or breathing loud
brings out
spurts of emotion
cringe
glare
angry
but usually
there's nothing
so when i do feel
it's overwhelming
crying is a big deal
sometimes i can make myself
cry
sometimes i pretend to feel
apathy
but only when i'm actually thinking
mindlessly reading
or watching a movie
emotions on the page
or on the screen
i can suddenly feel again

alone
praying for someone
anyone
to knock on the door
even if i can't hear it at first
alone
my only friends are the books
that i can barely read
because i'm practically
blind
and the tv i can barely hear
because i'm almost totally
deaf
new illnesses developing everyday
i'm getting
old
if only someone would come by
somebody
i've got three kids
three
one of them told me happy birthday
this year
one
grandkids
how many now?
six
but what were their names
pictures
don't get to see them often
but i see them in
pictures
new ones
i haven't gotten anything
new
but one
who was that again?
my granddaughter
what was her name
the pretty one
with the pink hair
alysia
i show that picture
to the folks around here
i love looking at it
pictures
are better than
nothing.

i'm really bad
at confrontation
not at all like my mom
especially when it's face to face
it makes me nervous even to just call you
so how i'm going to tell you
i
don't
know
i'm panicking because what if you
forget about me between  
now
and
then
and i know that i will be
okay
but i don't want to lose
you
because i feel like if nothing happens
now
we'll go back to being
strangers
but i don't think it will be
like it usually is
this time
you won't
come
back
so please hold on
so
please
hold
on.

i can no longer draw
i don't have enough patience to put you in awe
it kills me sometimes
because i want to
so badly
but everything i draw
turns out badly, sadly
i get so frustrated
why doesn't anything look right
what happened there
what an awful sight
how do i fix this
why do i care
so i just erase all the blurred lines
and tell the sketchbook my goodbyes

you're so cool
because you got high
IN SCHOOL
your friends think you're fun
because you do stupid stuff
but really you're DUMB
who get's high during school?
an idiot, a dunce, a fool
why would you take that chance
admin is going to make you dance.

I hope you know
that I'm not
trapped
I have
options
There are many different paths
that I can take
and I don't have to take them
with you
I'm moving on
with
or without
you.

Can you tell me
if it's time to let go?

calling me a child
is a little bit childish?