I can feel the oceans inside the skin under my eyes
I can feel the pain that tints my cheeks
I can feel the unsettling feeling of being lost
I can feel everything
but I understand nothing,
I feel lost
like I'm trapped under water
with a thin sheet of ice above me
and I'm trying to breathe
but it hurts
because my lungs are restricted by my blood
my roots making me sink even deeper
roots that have implanted me in the depths of the ocean
by faith
not by me
I kick with my feet and throw my weak fists in the bubbles created  by my deep breaths
and I try to scream but it echoes inside my lungs
its as if my body knows I'm already drowning
'there is no use', its as if it understands why no one should hear those screams
its like my body knows that I don't want to live in it
sometimes I feel like
when I kiss you
my hands tremble
and I sink deeper
I look into your eyes
I scream into my lungs
I should love you, why do I not love you?
why is my heart mistaken?
why am I still trapped under a label?
If I cant feel am I still human?

I'm walking like I'm trying to find something
a mother who lost her child
my own heart in my throat beating
and my soul slowly shaking
and i want to scream but no voice comes out
as if with a loud frequency i can get myself knocked down
i walked hurriedly like i was looking for something
i was looking for myself
life treated me like it was a filled dinner table
with no chair for me
i stayed an outsider to this world like i had no family
life gave me pain
i swallowed it till my throat had my heart in captivity
im a lost child
the oceans ran through my veins
salty , making its way
to my heart and lungs
an ocean of pain , my tears
come out of my eyes like a tsunami
building up inside me
and nothing could save me
no human or feeling could keep me
sane and ordinary
people look at my sad expression
"you make me sad " they say to me
like i can't make myself even sadder

life looks like a painting from up here
the clouds beneath my feet
beauty at its finest is what nature creates
everything is constructed perfectly
like a building everything is in place
away from all the hurt and pain
my heart flutters away
into the sea of clouds and rain
no matter how emotionally drained
humanity can be
nature will always be nice to me , truthful to me
a perfectly drawn masterpiece
a view from outside my window
we are so tiny and minimal
to the life we encounter
everything is different from up here
everything is pretty from my window
the earth as one no matter how separated
the air is clear rather than polluted
everything seems evenly distributed
pressure is weighing down on me
i can feel the force pulling me
but the air that pushes me
is the one that keeps me going
its only thing taking me away , allowing me to move on .
Water and land look like a spread thin sheet of paper
how we as humans belong to something greater
the world we live in so peaceful
yet our minds so pain driven and self centred

my eyes covered with a sheet of earth
the knife cutting edges of falling leaves
the night , the beauty and the sound of trees
magical how we , a simple spec of dust in the universe
floating aimlessly
we breathe the air made of stars
drink from lakes made of our skies tears
nothing is holding me down
im a piece of paper floating around
in our universe we drown
the planets and stars , trees and woods
shallow waters and high cliffs
nothing would've gotten me prepared for this

coldness wraps my body and scoops me up in a tight hug
the feeling of nails scratching on metal , run up and down my skin
unchaining my self up from the monster hosting my head
like a disease has taken over my entire body - a parasite
i try to conquer my fears
but these tears , running down my cheeks tell their own story
so i don’t fight back and listen to the ocean on my face
trying to understand why its so hard for me to live in this place
my tears ventured into different places,  traveled the universe and beyond
looking for something or someone they could call home
they try to come out of my eyes because they can no longer hold on
they build up then fall down
waterfalls then create a stream
lumps building up in my throat , i can’t speak
but these tears they like to form their own way of speech

am i a failure ?
indecisiveness is the blood that runs in my veins
not good enough is a label on my brain
in between clouds on a plane ,
yet i feel crushed beneath the surface of the earth
and i try not to feel too much or think too much
but like an invisible ghost my own brain haunts me
i try to close my eyes and drift away like the aircraft I'm in
but my thoughts pull me harshly down like gravity
I'm now a crashing airplane
sending down flames and pain , I'm crying
my tears are the ocean i crash into
and my soul is the island nearby
watching myself crash and not being able to do anything about it
silent and lost in its own forest , my soul watched me from afar
my screams , my sirens begging for it to help
I'm falling into the water in slow motion yet everything seems to happen so fast
thinking if i would ever float to the surface
I'm still drowning , in my own tears and blood
slowly i lose my ability to breathe
but my beating heart is not stopping
i hit the ocean floor , a loud thud that  created a crater
now sand is surrounding me
i open my eyes but i can't see , the giant ocean and world in front of me
on the ocean floor helplessly laying
no hope no dreams no goals just a blank space of feelings
thoughts scream into my head and i mute them dead
i wake up on a shore ready to fly again
where will life take me after all this hurt and misery
will i drown in the salty water of my eyes
or explode on a town full of people
will i fall and be the fault of the peoples' pain
or will i safely reach land
my engines ignite , i regain back my sight
its time to see the world with my own eyes
its the time to live not trying to survive

everything is hovering around me , making me feel dizzy
but there you are on the edge of this room standing still
i can fall apart so easily , but i'll smile for your heart
my tears can make a river next to your home , go outside , take a look maybe you'll find a piece of me .
i'll carve my heart into an ocean , so when your lost in the ocean of my thoughts ,you will find a way to sail  right back to me .

i feel like a bird with 2 broken wings
a knife twisted in my heart
cutting through my soul's strings
broken and shattered with no armour i stand
my pieces can't be put together
I'm no puzzle or spelling bee letters
shattered glass sits on the floor with my reflection torn apart with it
like every piece of me lies beneath my feet
within my reach
but I'm too weak
i can't pick up any piece
my heart still broken with only stitches to fix
i lay down my heart to the broken things list
where i had laid my soul once and my thoughts once
now my heart belongs there
where it hopefully will be repaired
im so scared of the life i will have to face
im an exploding star turning into a black hole
taking the life out of every light like a machine
like I'm made of steel
and i feel like every time i try to touch the light i consume it ,
break it and break every inch of me too
thats what a super massive black hole would do
I'm just like a monster
i still feel used
my eyes are tired of crying
they burn like the fire inside me
my tears had run out like the ocean that once ran through me
i lay down wishing for help
crying out , looking for a friend

i am not you , i am not everything you think i am .
i am not exactly who everyone thinks i am
im not my gender , its the gender that occupy me
im not my race and society
im not you
gravity that held us together suddenly was too strong that it consumed itself
pulled too strong that it pulled itself apart
now we are floating in space with nothing but vacuum between us
the universe ripped apart in half to be something for me and you
an ornament in our skies but we did not get lucky
because the universe tore itself apart too much that it couldn’t hold itself back ,
because the black hole was holding it hostage

showed us who we truly are
apart from each other we were floating into our decisions and self consciousness
thrown into our own mind so suddenly ,
im not who you are anymore
I’m the perfect intersection between day and night
when the weather is just right
I’m the summer nights we will never get to spend together
curled up with friends
I’m the moonlight of a full moon strong and shining
i am the plot of a good book
im a comfortable sweater you would never throw away
I’m the mug you fill your warm tea with
I’m the little thing that is so impactful but yet so beautiful
im not a part of you
neither are you a part of me
any more