last night i dreamt i kissed a boy

i don't remember who he was,
or his eyes or his hair

but i remember his lips,
i learned the pattern of his stubble
and the warmth of his kiss

i remember his body.
he was thin, lanky even.
i could feel his ribs under my fingertips.

i remember his breath.
feeling his lips curl into a smile,
the feeling of sticky, sleepy kisses
when all you hear is the other one breathing.

and i remember his hands.
long, rough fingers in my hair,
the way sunlight wraps around you
and cannot let you go long after it escapes,
and our noses pressing together.

i don't know if i was myself.
i don't remember being a boy or a girl.
my lips felt his stubble, not my own,
i learned the beat of his heart
but i couldn't hear my own,
i know he was there
but i don't see myself.

i only see him.

i was so close to saying i only wanted a girl,
that her softness and strength
would be all i need.

and that is still true.

but i cannot forget the roughness of a boy,
the tenderness that leaks through
in his smile,
pushing his dreams into my body through my lips.

both are their own kind of unique.
i cannot say i love one, but not the other,
or that there isn't a huge spectrum of in-betweens,
all i can say is that i dreamt of a boy,

and that
the dreams he planted there
need to escape.

i'm so tired
but a tired that sleep cannot fix

i wish i could sleep all day and all night
so i wouldn't have to think

but i've been having nightmares.

i'm doing everything at once and yet nothing at all

"tell me if something is keeping you
from being the best student you can be"

how about i don't

because your mind isn't considered a disease

especially if you're an honors kid.

why is the thought "i want to go home"
the only thing in my head
when i'm in my bed?

when i'm sick
or feel like dying
all i want is to go home

it's been the same cry since i was young
begging for the comfort of home

but where is home?

i feel it's somewhere in the galaxies
where i cannot quite reach,
a heaven, perhaps,
a warm, inviting place
that i can only imagine
being full of love.

*i just want to go home

am i insane that i want a label for this
thing living in my mind

i can't enjoy food
without making it a numbers game
carbs and calories, carbs and calories
not too much meat but keep protein up
fats are okay as long as it's not oil
and you know the exact caloric value
measure every bite
weigh everything
round up
add it up twice just in case
you were wrong the first time

i'm not even close to underweight

but i can't stand without getting faint


they tell me it's my bipolar acting up

but do you know how many times
someone has looked at me and said
"you're not my usual type,
i usually go for the really tiny ones"

god, i'm making it sound like it's worse
than it is, i'm teenage girl
trying to be dramatic, right?

but why can't i look at a photo of myself
without wanting to cry

it gnaws on my brain rabidly,
with its razor-like teeth

what is it?
i don't know

all i know is that it makes my breath catch in my throat
as if it's being held there by taloned claws,
my heart beating as though it's being used as a drum

and this...this thing
haunts my dreams

it causes nightmares
of losing everyone i love

it also takes my will to live
and smashes it between its palms,
so that my mind is whirling

but is void of the ability or motivation to take action

what is this creature?
how can i defeat it?
surely this is not a part of me

but it seems like
no matter how much ice i press to my skin
no matter how much control i have
no matter what medication i'm on,

it returns

and in returning,

steals my mind

i'm sorry
what am i sorry for?
only God knows

but i would like to know
why
you can hold a beautiful girl
so lovingly between your fingertips
when but a year ago
it was me

you never loved me
i was there to satisfy your appetite
and now whenever i come over
i panic and cannot breathe,
as if you ****** the air out of my lungs
all those months ago

you held me like you loved me
i loved you
but you just thought we would be friends
with a little extra on the side

or how about the one before that,
never meeting in person
but giving myself away
the first chance i got?

it wasn't until he told my best friend
that landing in the hospital was karma
for me being a stupid *****
and then telling me
i was still on his "bucket list"
that i realized
who he was.

or even before that,
a beautiful boy.
seven months
i mistreated him
i broke him into pieces
which can never be healed
but i still remember how cold i felt
lying there afterwards

and the most recent one
didn't even want to play,
but i somehow won in the end
i wanted to feel loved
but i didn't know how or when
to say no

i'm not saying any of this is the fault
of these people

it's actually all mine

i played to get something i wanted

and i regret it now
and wish i was still clean
like pure snow

and i'm sorry

i'm sorry for playing with fire
i'm sorry for being afraid to say no
i'm sorry for wanting to feel loved
i'm sorry for using my body
to feel something

i still freeze up when i'm scared.

what is
one bite less?
what is two
in the grand scheme of things

i can't seem to stop,
yet i'm finding solace in it

he tells me
aim for 1200,
but what does he know?

i'm getting where i need to be
and nobody, living or dead
will stop me.

it's not that i don't want to

i just can't stop

not yet.