i watch you watch her
i hear you compliment her
i walk beside you as you hold hands with her
i see the way you smile when you talk to her
i see that little sparkle that’s in your eye get a little brighter when she enters the room
i wish you saw me the way you used to
i wish i was still the one who makes you smile like that.
i wish i was the one who made that subtle but oh so distinctive sparkle in your eye get brighter
after all, i am the only one who notices it.
after all i am the one who was always and is still here for you through anything.
after all i am the one who will stick around
after all i am the one who will never be able to look at you in any other way than perfect
after all i am the one who will always look for you in a crowded room.
after all i am the one who is sure about how i feel and what i want and well,
what i want
is you

a lot of people ask me why i smoke. it’s not that i want to be cool or i want “street cred”. it’s the feeling of numbness i’ve wanted to burn out of my life since the beginning. it’s the feeling of near suffocation. the feeling the smoke or vapor leaves behind in my lungs and in the back of my throat. it’s the feeling of being able to feel something that i’m so addicted to. i’m not addicted to nicotine or cannabis. i’m addicted to the feeling it’s leaves behind on my soul.

there were so many red flags but i ignored all of them
i was blinded by the light and the love you gave off
you told me you wanted to keep our “thing” a secret
that should have been the first and second sign
1. you called it a “thing” not a relationship and
2. you wanted to keep it “our thing”
you said “people get in the way. they break things. they push people apart”
that may be true but a real bond can get past that
if you really cared about me you wouldn’t care what other people would say
i sure didn’t
but i guess you weren’t that type of person
~
the night yo convinced me to come out to your house was the best
we sat on your roof at 3 am and
we got tipsy off of your dads beer
that was the beginning of the big part that ***** played in our “thing”
you kissed me that night
it wasn’t the first time but it felt different
that was when i started to realize i loved you
we fell asleep with my head on your chest and your arm around my shoulder
still on your roof, right above your bedroom
when we woke up, we rushed down stairs before your parents woke up
you stole their keys and drove me home
neither of us cares that you didn’t have your lisence
you borrowed me a sweatshirt that morning
i loved that it smelt like you
little did i know that that would be the first thing i would trough at you through my bedroom window
~
one month
we were together for one month
that day/night was epic
a true milestone for our “thing”
we went to a local park and
sat on the jungle gym and stared at the stars
hand in hand
you brought a six pack(which was typical) and a bottle of captain morgan
after about an hour of sitting there, taking shots and laughing at ourselves
you got up and lifted me up into your arms
almost effortlessly
i rapped my arms around your neck and my legs around your waist
we just stood there for a good 10 minutes
starring at eachother
the you started to kiss me slow and lower me on to the floor of the jungle gym
the night took off from there and that’s when i blacked out
the next morning i woke up in your bed wearing just your sweatshirt
my head was pounding and i felt like i was going to *****
i didn’t remember much of what happened the night before
put it was painfully obvious of what happen
i was in an empty bed
i wondered were you were
you walked in seconds later with a smile on your face
you looked at me and smiled bigger
i had no expression except confusion
that was my biggest “first” if you really want to call it that
and i didn’t remember it
i didn’t really care though
it didn’t matter much to me ever
you sat down on the bed and asked how i was feeling
i said fine than laid back down on your lap
the rest of the day we stayed in bed and watched movies
i was sure then
that i loved you
~
fast forward to two months after that day
school was starting again soon
you told me you loved me 3 days before our 3 month adversary
i said it back
and then
things started to become rocky for us
we had a lot of drunk nights
we made a lot of drunk mistakes
we had been together for 3 months and you still called us a “thing”
needless to say it bothered me
that day
the worst day for our “thing”
i got a text from one of the girls that i used to be friends with
she explained all of it and
apologized for the whole thing
she genuinely regretted it
i threw my phone across my bed and
curled up into a ball like shape, and cried
i balled
my best friend came over and listened to me rant filled with uncontrollable sobs and tears
she left
i waited for you
i couldn’t cry anymore
it was impossible for me to have more tears
i just waiting
you walked up to my house and came in
i didn’t say a word
your stuff was up in my room in a neat pile
you didn’t know it was there
but it was
the screaming didn’t start till you asked me what’s wrong
“i’ll tell you what’s wrong. you slept with her. three days after you told me you loved me. three days after you slept with me. how could you. i’ve loved yo for so long. i thought you loved me too”
that pretty much all i said to you
i just repeated it over and over in a different order
you stormed out the back door
i ran up to my room and
threw all your trash out the window at you
starting with you sweatshirt
then your phone cord
then your hat
then your sunglasses
and lastly the small plastic key chain you gave me when you first met me
and that was it
we were done
~
i saw you at school sometimes
not often
then you moved
i cared
but i acted like i didn’t
it hurt
you moved on quickly
2 weeks to be exact
it started to kick in
i wasn’t enough for you
so you ******* the first girl you could find
i wasn’t enough
you didn’t want me anymore
i kept replaying our fight over and over
it got really bad
not just because of you
but that’s for a different story
that led to the night i almost over dosed on pain killers
not enough to hospitalize
but enough to make me sick
everyone was worried but i didn’t care
i just wanted to die
you came back to our small town for a couple days
you saw me
you saw how bad i was doing
you didn’t do anything
our “thing” meant nothing to you
clearly
but here i am
almost one year later
1:33 am
and i’m writing about you
your probably in your new town and new house sitting on your roof getting tipsy off of your dads beers with some other girl.
i hate you
but i still love you
all thanks to our “thing”

~~~~~~{TRIGGER WARNING}~~~~~~

This girl
Torn,
Beaten up,
Sad,
Lonely,
Didn’t know much about love.
She was so used to being ignored.
This boy
Loved,
Known by everyone,
Kind,
Wished he’d never gotten all the attention.

The boy noticed the girl,
Asked her her name
No answer.
She’s so used to the quiet
So used to no one addressing to her
his words just passed her ears.
The only sound she heard was the clock
Tick- tick-
He asks again, this time a bit louder
Not being rude
She answers, very softly
Willow
Before he could say his name, she replies with I know
He thinks that name is really pretty
He wonders how he’s never noticed her before

These two built a friendship
One the girl never had before
She started to feel happy for once.
Unknowingly, this was a bet
She finds out
She finds out that this boy was rude,
Inconsiderate,
Just an overall nasty person.
Before she liked the boy
But this boy ended up breaking her more
Shattering her heart like a piece of ceramic.
The trust that was once found,
Now lost in the lies

She realizes why she never had any friends
It was because of the fear of something like this.
She goes back to the girl everyone saw her as
Weeping Willow
This time more depressed,
Lonely,
Sad,
Beaten up,
Torn.
These people drove her insane
She told that boy everything,
He told everyone else everything.
Those secrets being exposed hurt
She was overall hurt.

She feels empty,
Overwhelmed,
Mentally exhausted.
It came to the point where she couldn’t handle it,
This wasn’t any old joke,
These kids never knew her,
They never took the time to know her
It took just one person to find out everything for everyone.
Her world collapsed within not even a month.

She walked over to a tree,
Climbed the tree,
There was an unknown object in her hand.
She could only think about her insanity,
Other people’s insanity,
And what was in her hand.
She can’t think anymore,
Her mind took over,
The unknown object is a rope,
She’s on airplane mode,
Her mind tells her to tie it
2 places
She counts down to three…
1….
She can’t think,
It’s too late.
2….
Everything is flashing before her.
3.
The story of Weeping Willow.

you asked me what beauty is the other day.
i told you i couldn’t think of anything.
that was a lie.
what do i think beauty is?
beauty is you.
beauty is us.
beauty is what we could be.
god i wish i could hold your hand when we walk down the hallway.
i wish i could tell you exactly how i felt when you look me in the eye.
i wish you could tell me exactly how you felt.
but none of that can happen and it’s tearing me apart piece by piece.
sometimes i wonder if i can see what you feel if i look deep enough in your eyes.
but i never get the chance to look long enough.
god how i wish i could stare into your beautiful pale blue eyes forever.
i’ve never seen a thing more mesmerizing in my life.
i love the way you give me so much crap. but in a loving way.
i love how you and me could be at each others throats but still find something to laugh about.
i love the way your not afraid to share stuff with me.
i love the way you think.
i love the way you talk with me.
i love the way you act with me.
this has definitely steered out of controlled but i guess that’s what happens when i think of you.
i fall into a rabbit hole of thought, wonder, and wishing.
so yea i’ll admit it.
i think you are beautiful.
undeniably,
incredibly,
immensely beautiful.
your beauty astounds me.
it leaves me breathless.
it leaves me helplessly gasping for air in the back of my mind.
you leave me in an abyss of my own thought.
i can barley describe the feeling i get when i see you.
i can just feel the beauty radiating off of you.
i can feel my heart skip a beat when i see the little sparkle in your eyes.
i can feel myself stopping in my
tracks when i see your gorgeous face.
i only wish you could read this and know that this is how i feel about you.
i only wish you could know what beauty is to me.

We met at the crossroads
Blind in love
You had a beautiful mask
Like an angel from above

You asked for my soul
I gave it up
And with a shake of a hand
I was out of luck

I did your deed
But you struck me down
Watched me suffer
Without a frown

We stood there together
Side by side
You swept me up
I couldn’t deny

I loved you dearly
with all my heart
But now I wish
We were apart

You’ve beaten me senseless
Through me around
All with a smile
You’ve watched me drown

I’m an emotionless mess
A true work of art
How can i put up with this
“Until death do us part”

Now I’m here
In the pits of hell
Broken down
You beat me well

Ill never get out
Ill be here for life
Living with the devil
I call my wife

i don’t know how much more of this i can take.
there’s not much left of me i’m about to break.
days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months and months feel like years.
i’m falling apart and i can’t hold back the tears.
you broke me in half and walked away.
how could i think you were the one who was gonna stay.
you left me in pieces when you knew my pain.
but you stoped caring and it made me go insane.
you told you loved me and that would ever end. but i’m sitting alone crying wanting to be dead

I abet your behavior
Without hesitation
I was awarded with love
Increasing temptation

I watched you claim
Your souls devine
The way you work
Shivered my spine

As i hold you hand
****** and bruised
You told me you loved me
Your devilish deed excused

I gave you my heart
You gave me yours
You treat me like royalty
My love for you pours

We now work together
Business partners if you will
You told me everything I need to know
You taught me *******

They say we’re going to hell
But love, we’re already there
We are always content
Living in each others care

I’ll be here forever
I’ll never get out
However I’m perfectly happy with that
My love you is devout

Our work will continue
Till our dying day
I love you forever and always
So come what may